no guilt...

it's funny, I don't feel any guilt for eating like crap the past few days. I know it won't continue when I get home. I don't WANT to eat junk food... my body just wants it because it's what I've been eating and it's what's available to me!

If I go home and immediately start eating better, maybe I don't really have any emotional attachment to food. I was eating compulsively because I was craving food because I was undernourished (because I had been eating junk to begin with).

I'm going to skip all the way to the health food store. Yippee!!!!

yuck yuck yuck

I've been eating junk food and I can't believe how nasty I felt. I went from having quite a bit of energy on Saturday to being dead and sluggish on Sunday with a terrible headache. I felt tired, cranky and constantly wishing I could take a nap. Not only that, instead of wanting less junk food, I wanted more! The more you eat it, the more you PHYSICALLY need it.

It's really interesting looking at this from a physical logical standpoint instead of an emotional one. I can see the necessity behind the binges now. Wow.

I can't wait to get out of here... It's really hard being around all this junk food. But at the same time, it's reinforcing my theories.

four more days and I go home!

Happy Birthday to me! (plus Chernobyl pee)

wow, yesterday this blog turned ONE YEAR OLD!!!!! I started it on a whim on Dec. 22, 2005. I can't believe how time has flown by... and fortunately I finally am moving ahead.

I'm still doing great! I cannot believe how much energy I have and how easy it has been to go to sleep and wake up. Unfortunately the last few days have been hectic... I've been snacking on lots of chocolate and other treats. (Still no soda, though!) But I've noticed myself feeling kind of crappy and nauseous. And not only that, the more junk I eat the more I crave it. Right now I'm at the airport and I just ate at Sbarro... yuck! I did have some steamed vegetables to go with the pizza, but still, I feel so sick! I WANT MY ORGANIC SOUP!!!! Oh I dropped some hints and got a gift certificate for the local health food store from my boss for $75! Yay!!!!!! I'm so stoked.

Ok so I cannot get this book idea out of my head. I have a lot of ideas. The first part is to write it of course, duh. But does anyone have any experience with the publishing industry?

So I started taking a daily vitamin a few days ago, and my pee is radioactive yellow. It freaked me out at first but I googled it and it's because of the vitamin B2.

Oh also someone gave me a really cool pedometer they weren't using... It's really nice and automatically resets at midnight, plus it remembers the past five days. Today I've had 6,287 so far. I've been trying to get to 10,000... yesterday I was close, 9486!!

it's suddenly hard to blog...

I'm so welling. (I meant to write "I'm doing so well" just now, but it came out as "I'm so welling." I like that expression so I'll keep it.) But I've been avoiding blogging and I realized it's because I'm so afraid it will all go poof and disapppear and I'll be back where I was, stuck, driving in circles with no way out.

This is what I'm afraid to write, lest it go away: I'm getting better. Bulimia is leaving me and this time it is for real. I am finally physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and nutritionally able to let it go.

Holy shit. My heart is pounding just writing those words.

The thing is, I'm not on a "perfect" streak either. You know, when you're fresh out of the gate on a new diet and you're doing fantastic and sticking to it to the letter... I'm just kind of trying things. I've had a few cookies at the office, a piece of fudge at the mall. But it was all very small amounts. See I have been eating so well and often that I'm never hungry. Before, I would be starving and as soon as I tasted one piece of chocolate, I would need to eat everything around me. I've even binged and purged a couple times, and it was not the same. It didn't feel right. I thought about why it happened and it was pretty easy to figure out. The first time, I let myself go too long without food, and the second time, because I had no other plans and I got caught up in the excitement of it. The next day was the same thing, I had no plans, so I made plans to go to the movies... by myself!! Since I had that to look forward to, I had no desire to think about food.

How am I doing this? For the first time in almost 20 years, I am not on a diet.
I'm eating whenever I want. I am never letting myself get to the point where I'm starving, and it's not because I've been eating a lot. It is the quality of the food and not the quantity I've been eating. I am not drinking diet soda, I am not eating fat-free pudding or low-fat yogurt. No more products with aspartame or artificial whatever. I'm telling you, it's poisonous. I'm eating organic food and it tastes good. I stopped drinking top water - I'm even using filtered water to make noodles and rice.

I can fall asleep at night at a normal time. When I get up in the morning, I don't have to drag myself out of bed. Even if I happened to stay up late the night before, I can STILL get up. Of course I want to stay in bed, but I do get up like a normal person. Before, I would be so dead in the morning it was like I couldn't physically get up. I have so much energy throughout the day. I WANT to do things.

I don't even know how to explain it except I'm happy. And the thing is what I did is so simple and easy. Stop dieting. I am more convinced than ever that bulimia is a PHYSICAL disorder and not a mental "problem." Yes, mental problems and learned behavior accompany it. However, simply willing myself to stop and "change" is as impossible as willing myself to fly.

I am sorry I have felt so bad about myself for so many years because I am a great person. For so long I have felt like a complete loser. I was guilty and ashamed and that is no longer the case. Is it possible I found a "cure"? I don't know that what is working for me will work for everyone. Is it possible this advice is already out there and I just ignored it? I swear, nobody ever explained it to me in a way that made sense.

I hope that, wherever you are, you are all welling too. But if you're not, please know that you are physically sick, and for this you have no reason to be ashamed. Stand up, keep trying and find your own cure.

aspartame can kiss my ass

Sorry I haven't updated lately... I'll write a longer post tomorrow!

Anyway I'm doing really well... holy shit, REALLY well! I think I owe it all to going organic. I can honestly say I never, ever want to taste Diet Coke again. The thought of having anything with ASSpartame makes me sick. I haven't been perfect but it's been surprisingly easy. I'll write all the details later.

To those who asked about the cleanse, google "gallbladder flush" or "liver cleanse" and you'll get lots of info about how to do it. Some cleanses are longer than others - I chose one that was shorter, because I figured it would be easier to stick to. You can find it here: Gallbladder Cleanse

I'm actually thinking of doing it again in a week. They say it takes a couple times to get all of them out. Even though drinking that oil was nasty, it is definitely worth it.

I need to go to sleep now. I have been doing fantastic with my sleep. I actually sleep like a normal person. Part of me is afraid this won't last, but I have never felt so optimistic about recovery as I do right now.

Ho ho ho... Green Giant

OK despite all the disgustingness of drinking that nasty half cup of olive oil (oh my stomach still curdles remembering!), it was evidentally worth it. Today I got a visit from what looked like peas floating in the toilet! They are of different sizes and shapes but most are the size of one or two peas, except for one that was the size of a large marble! Ewww. They are all green, which apparantly indicates a healthy liver, while black ones mean the liver is sick.

I thought about saving them to take a pic but it was just too nasty. (In response to Michelle's comment, let me remind you these are not kidney stones... the place the stones come from is identical on men and women!). So you will just have to trust me that this cleanse works. If any of you have suffered pain in your right side after eating, try it.

I heard of a suggestion that you should think of three good things that happened every day, so I am trying to do that each night. It really has made me smile to remember and it is not hard to think of things, even when I'm just staying at home and resting. Yay to the power of positive thinking.

eww eww eww eww (repeat 1000 times)

I think I've finally found a way to permanently ruin my appetite. Like I mentioned I am doing this gallbladder cleanse, and I made it through three days of drinking just apple juice and water. Tonight (the third night) I had to drink a half cup of pure olive oil. Oh god just remembering makes me nauseous... Plus I still taste the olive oil. It was so disgusting, oh so nasty. I calculated it and it is more than 100 grams of fat!!!!!! Barf. Then I had to follow it with a 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice (that actually tasted good at first but ewww too) and then go to bed and lay on my right side for 5 hours. I have to put a pillow under my hips to slant so it's impossible to sleep. Also I feel totally gross and nauseous.

All I have to say is I had better see results tomorrow! If you want to see what gallstones look like, here is a link to the page of the cleanse I did with photos.

Yesterday's blog got a good comment from Lee, about my body being out of whack:

it occurred to me that your body (and brain) are trying to tell you something's out-of-wack nutritionally. The more I read of your posts, the less inclined I am toward believing this is strictly an ED issue. This sounds less like an inability to control your food intake and more as if a part of your brain literally believes you are starving.

This is a really good point, and something I've heard before, but now that I want to get better I really need to address it. Just as I've been pampering my back lately, I need to pamper my body nutritionally...

PS eww gross eww gross eww gross

Detox rocks

So I'm taking the next week off to rest my back. I started resting on Wednesday and it's already much better! I have hardly any pain, except when I drove to the store. I think with a few more days it will really heal.

So while I am off my feet I decided to do this thing called a gallbladder flush. Remember how I had recurring stomach pains and had to go on that BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast)? Anyway for this flush for three days you drink nothing but organic apple juice and distilled water (up to one gallon of both each day). Then on the evening of the third day you drink some oil and some lemon juice and lay on your right side.

Anyway I started that yesterday and it's been going alright. I had to go to the health food store for the real apple juice. I noticed the food seems to be higher quality, and I spent a lot more time looking at everything. Also the store is close enough that I can walk to it if I only need a few things.

I googled "organic" and "eating disorder" and came up with something interesting:

A 1993 study, published in Biological Psychiatry by Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Northeastern Ohio Universities College of Medicine, Ralph G. Walton, M.D. shows: "Administration of this substance [aspartame], has also been associated with aggression and bingeing." An evolving view in modern psychiatry is that although depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, impulse control disorders and eating disorders have been viewed as separate entities, they should be viewed as a continuum of disorders - all involving some degree of dysregulation of serotonin. "I believe there is overwhelming evidence that aspartame contributes to this dysregulation," said Dr. Walton.

I looked up asparatame and it seems to be quite nasty. Unfortunately is in my most favorite drinks, Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Coke.

So it got me to thinking... what if all my food is full of poisons and my depression is related? I've decided to try to shop for organic food only and avoid Walmart at all costs except for bulk items like paper towels etc. It's worth a shot...

Everything happens for a reason

I really do believe that.

I think this back injury happened to force me to wake up and realize how I (mis)treat my body. I abuse the shit out of it so it makes sense that something, somewhere is going to go wrong.

I've also learned from my inability to cope with the situation. I can barely keep it together under normal conditions because my eating disorder is such an attention whore. I keep it together, barely. But add one more major stressor and it's total meltdown.

I've also learned that with some of my friends, I was trying to "fit" them. I need to find friends who fit me - fortunately I do have a few, and today I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to have them.

It makes me feel both good and sad to read the comments I get here... when people write to say they identify with me. That feels good, like there is someone out there holding my hand even I can't see them. But it makes me sad to know that just like me, they are another person lost and suffering on their own.

And then I get mad and I think, we have to change this. We have to make it so people know bulimia is not a sentence they've been forced to serve for a crime they may or may not have committed. Bulimia and depression are not personality defects, or a sign of a bad or weak person. I hate it when people make me feel like that. Fuck them.

And then I realize that I like to feel that anger, that pissed off feeling that is not guilt. It means there is still a fighter inside me, a tough person who still can turn this thing around whenever she is ready.

I want to get better and I want to take you all with me.

still depressed

...so depressed I don't have the creativity to think of something clever as a title. I have no energy. It took me days just to write this entry.

I've been completely immobile because my back is still sprained, plus now I'm having problems with my hips. It hurts to walk.

I wish I could run and exercise. I can't believe how much I took my health for granted.

...still bingeing and purging of course because it gets my endorphins up, at least temporarily.

I'm not exactly sad, just depressed. I don't really care about much of anything. I wish I could cry but I'm taking too much Prozac, though it's not really working well.

I have more to write and explain but I'm done typing now.

Prozac Poop Out

This is the real term they use for when Prozac suddenly and mysteriously stops working for a patient, and what I'm going through right now. It just stopped working for no reason except it wanted to. I know it's not working because not only am I constantly hungry, I do feel depressed and lethargic, AND horny as hell! (If anyone has had the same experience as I with antidepressants, you'll know feeling randy is not a common occurrence when you're popping the happy pills.)

So my back injury... I think it's related. I read that people with depression are more likely to have back problems, and that the depression lowers your pain inhibitors or something so you are feeling the pain more than another person. I actually have an excuse not to exercise - my doctor said to even avoid walking as much as possible. Right now my best friend is the heating pad. Aaaah relief...

But still the bulimia continues. Every night I swear it's over.... but then the next day I'll be off on some food hunt, my mind blocking out that promise to stop. If some brain cell tries to stand up and think "hey hello you know you don't want to do this" the other brain cells jump on it and kick it until it dies. Those brain cells must be bigger and stronger and meaner because they always make that little thought go away quickly and easily.

By the way my appetite is more proof that the Prozac isn't working... Not only am I hungry but I have CRAVINGS like you wouldn't believe. In the past two weeks I've had to hunt down (not in any particular order) pancakes and french toast (twice), Thai food, Indian food (that was tonight) and movie theater hot dogs -- all after dreaming about them for days. What the fuck, brain?!

Anyway in my remorseful moments I've been making some efforts... First I found out that there is a really good treatment center about two hours from here, that happens to be on my PPO provider's network! Yay! I called them and they have a waiting list that goes into next year. Awww.

My next idea was a day treatment plan - I did that once five years ago for about a month (before I left like a fucktard, thinking I was cured). There is one offered at a hospital about 30 min away. I called and asked if they offered support for eating disorders and they said yes. Yay! Wow, I was so excited. I went there and met with their intake person. She said that, contrary to what I was told on the phone, they don't really specialize with eating disorders but are mostly for people who are suffering from depression and/or substance abuse, and the average stay is about a week. Not only that, no food is provided. And not only THAT, but my insurance only pays for 60% of it and it's almost $300 a day!!!! Without meals and only going to 3:30...

So today I called and left a message for a psychologist in my town who specializes in ED. She used to work at the university health center before she went into private practice... (ca-ching) I had called her before like two years ago and found out she didn't take insurance and she did not operate on a sliding scale (ca-ching, ca-ching!) But now I think I will have to come up with the money somehow, because I am running out of options. I am killing myself with food - I am up to 215 people!!!!!!!!!! Help me.

God why can't I cure myself??? It would be so cheap!!!!!!

this sucks

I'm doing terrible.

I hurt my back again really badly and this time I can barely walk. I'm really becoming depressed.

I am gaining about 2-3 lbs per week, no lie. I now weigh 213!!! Ahhh! Maybe I could have weight loss surgery.

I'm so depressed........ I'm taking my medication but still I feel very depressed.

a tad mad and sad... but mostly glad

So anyway I wanted to bring up how on Tuesday I had a meeting with my boss about all this stuff that was going on (aka my wanting to quit, lack of motivation, etc). I had felt much better anyway because I had slept it all off Monday night and had decided to change my attitude before I talked with him anyway.

Anyway he basically told me that nobody at work likes me anymore! He said "everybody used to like you, in fact everybody who meets you likes you a lot at first, but then they start to resent you" because I miss too much work and sleep too much. Can you believe that? I was pretty shocked to hear that but I've been thinking about it the past few days.

And you know what? FUCK THEM! Fuck them up the ass with cactus plants. I seriously don't even WORK with most of them. It's a small company so they know if I'm not there, but if I didn't go to work for a month straight it would have no effect on their work load, their hours, their pay, etc. Our jobs are totally different and require completely different skills. Additionally, their work is mostly manual labor and requires little to no education or training. I could learn to do what they do in one day. In fact, people learn it in one day. My job involves about 500 skills requiring research, technology and software knowledge and they could never learn how to do it in 10 years. Also, they get paid by the hour, and I know for a fact that they screw around instead of working and fudge their time cards.

Anyway that's not the point. The point is, my boss is the only one I really need to worry about liking me and feel bad about disappointing. He understands my situation, he knows about my bulimia and depression and is endlessly patient. I feel bad about letting him down for so long and I have. However I don't owe my coworkers (I'm talking about the ones I don't actually work with) jack shit.

I used to really care what these people though because some of them I thought were my friends. However, I think they have shown themselves to be not true friends. Seriously, who am I hurting by living a depressed and disordered life? ME! I am literally killing myself. And they are resentful? Give me a fucking break. Talk about petty.

The point is... there are people in life who are your true friends. One day when I am better, and I WILL get better, I will be able to thank a few people for standing by me and supporting me through it all. My boss for one.

As I was sitting here thinking about all these people, I felt such a feeling of happiness come over me. I realized that despite the petty people, I have a group of people who do NOT make me feel like crap. They know me and my shortcomings, and even if I drive them crazy or disappoint them, they still make me feel good when I am around them. I am so grateful for that and these people. It feels me with warmth.


But the main thing to realize is... you don't owe anyone anything! You owe it all to yourself first. The whole world is out living their lives and even if people are disappointed in you or worried by your behavior, you shouldn't care if you are not worried about YOURSELF. Bulimia is caused by and thrives on low self-esteem. It is the epitome of low self-esteem to be worrying about other people's thoughts and feelings about how you abuse yourself physically and mentally. Think about that for awhile - it's ludicrous!

Anyway I don't care anymore about those fucktards and it feels so good. And at the same time, it does make me see how there are people who DO have a right to complain about my not working hard, e.g., the people I actually work with. I feel bad about that and want to try to make amends.

I need to write a book. Do you guys think any of this stuff I spew is actually helpful? It's helpful to me at least.

break on through

I didn't sleep at all on Sunday night and was super stressed out all day Monday. You know when you're sleep deprived and it's kind of like a dream? I was really mad and resentful... but the weirdest thing happened. I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling fantastic. All my anger was gone and I didn't care anymore! It was like everything came into focus. I see now I was stubbornly refusing to fix my problems and change. Changing my life was absolutely not going to happen. Now I feel like like it is absolutely not NOT going to happen!

I was spending so much time thinking about what people think about me and being accepted... being good enough. And resenting everybody for my unhappiness. When I woke up... all that was gone! I don't care what people think! I totally don't care!

How did this happen? I don't know except I'm guessing I blew an overloaded fuse. I really think you do have to let go, but I don't know how to tell you guys to do that. I think you have to start caring less about other people and allow yourself to imagine life without them. You realize other people are living their lives and you are not and what that truly means.

Ok, I also think the combo of uninterrupted Prozac and Seasonale is having its impact. You can't heal a broken bone without a cast to stabilize it.

you know you haven't blogged in awhile when...

when blogger asks you for your username/password. Sorry.

Someone awhile back posted a really good comment. They asked something like, why is it that you binge? What are you missing in your life? Is it lack of activity?

I have decided that yes, of late it is definitely lack of activity. My life is currently so dull that food is literally THE most exciting thing that can happen to me.

School and work keep me busy and challenged, but it's not exciting. I don't have any close friends nearby. I would like to be dating someone, but I'm trapped in this fat cycle instead. I haven't even bothered to put on makeup or make my hair look nice in months.

So what do I do to create excitement in an otherwise dull existance?

I would really like to make exercise exciting and appealing. How do I do that?

I'm actually doing well

My life has been going so normal that I forgot to blog!!!!

Now that I'm back on Prozac and Seasonale, life is good. I started working out again and I haven't binged lately.

I don't know what's "wrong" with me because everything is going right! Well that's not true. I am still extremely tired and want to sleep allllllll the time.

I'm super ugly and super fat unfortunately. But I can't do anything about it except do what I have been doing - exercise and eat right.

love,
me

thirtysomething

I'm 30! I don't even know what to write. I think I've written everything already about being inspired to get better and make a new start, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe it's just time to get better. I guess I've waited long enough, don't you think?

Mind of Mand-i-a

I got a nice blog comment yesterday about how I'm so funny. It's true... I'm hysterical. I wish I had more friends who appreciated my sense of humor. Cuz gosh darn it, I'm funny.

I have a hard time being quiet in class... still. Growing up, I remember one kid used to tell me for years that I would end up a comedian. Other kids used to tell me to shut up. If you weren't popular, you weren't allowed to be a class clown. They didn't want to see you or hear you.

I'm watching X-Files. That show is awesome. I would like to have a standing list on this site of things that are officially deemed awesome.

I'm going to write that I've been tentatively doing great the past few days. As soon as I went back on the Prozac and Seasonable, it's been a huge improvement. I'm still hungry a lot but it's not a desire to binge.

One of my favorite lines from my favorite musician is "If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." I feel like I can use my writing to explore bulimia, not just mine but it as a whole.

My birthday is in a week. I will have to change the "about" thing to say I am 30. How can I be 30? That doesn't make sense. Me being 30 is freakier than any X-Files premise.

P.S. The most awesome thing of all may be hot men with English accents. I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 finally. Too bad you can't go to the concession stand and order a small popcorn, medium Diet Coke and a large dildo. Holy hell! Hot hot hot! I shall write a Shakespearian sonnet about how Orlando and I should get it on 500 times. Get thee to Mandy!

pot of gold at the end of the (reading) rainbow

I started reading "Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery" by Lindsey Hall & Leigh Cohn again. It is the only book about bulimia I've ever read that actually makes sense. I got it about two years ago.

Anyway I just started reading it again... In the back there is a two-week guide to stop bingeing. The whole idea fills me with immediate... FEAR. I just can't imagine giving up bulimia. I mean, say it's gone and I don't have an eating disorder. What the fuck will I do then? Who will I be then?

I still want to binge. I'm so bored. I guess I will just sit here and read and have more deep thoughts.

Little Miss Bulimic

I started school this past week.... I think it will be a good semester. I am really excited about my classes because they are pretty interesting. I've still been compulsively bingeing/purging. I am so fat, 205. I feel terrible. I look like such a slob, always wearing t-shirts and sweats. I was walking across campus this morning and I just felt terrible about myself. As in, don't I have any pride in my appearance? In taking care of myself? I hope the weather will cool down soon and I'll feel like going for walks at night. I always do my best thinking and head-clearing when I walk. It's been so hot, like 95 degrees at 11:00 p.m.

Tonight I went to see a great movie, Little Miss Sunshine. It was so simple and yet so funny and uplifting... Everybody go see it!

I will post again soon... more deep thoughts from Jack Mandy.

I'm kinda doing better

Well I got my period, and the storm has passed. It was terrible the past few days... no matter how much I ate, I couldn't be full. I absolutely cannnot live without Seasonale... it's just so freaking expensive!!!

I had a lot of interesting thoughts... but I'm too tired to remember them now. I'll post again tomorrow.

I'm sucking

I'm really doing badly. I am dreaming of a treatment center. There is a really good one about two hours away.

My head hurts.

Prozac nation

I've come to realize recently that I'm not taking the Prozac as consistently as I should be. I usually take it like every other day and not the same time every day. So I've recommitted to taking it every night. However I was chatting with Beth (who kicks ass by the way) and she was telling me about Cymbalta... so I googled Cymbalta and bulimia and found this super awesome site:

Remedy Find: Bulimia

Everybody go on there and talk about what works for you and what doesn't work for you! We need to help each other out with our first hand experiences because let's face it, what the doctors do is pretty much trial and error.

I did a real work out today at the gym for the first time in a long time... 20 min on the eliptical machine. Awesome! Then I came home and cleaned. Awesome! I ate a healthy and satisfying dinner. Awesome! Then I cooked about 100 lbs of this macaroni, chili and spaghetti sauce concoction. I suck at life! Seriously lately it's like I cannot feel full until I've binged and purged repeatedly. The more I try to get better, the worse I get. Maybe it's like quicksand... struggle and you sink faster, stop struggling and you'll float to the surface.

For my birthday, I would like an all-expense paid stay at a treatment facility. I wonder if they have ones where you can bring your pets? They should make a Carnival cruise ship for ED recovery. You don't get off the boat until you're better. That would kick ass.

Anyway I'm thinking I'm going to look into Cymbalta. The thing about Prozac is that it works great at first and then it stops working. I don't understand this. Is Cymbalta better? Ugh a new medication... I feel like such a freak.

Thanks for the supportive messages... it means so much to me.

I'm stuck, stuck, stuck!

I started working out again and I'm trying to do everything right. I'm eating regularly and not letting myself starve.

But at the same time I can't stop bingeing... I don't know why. The more I try not to the more I do it.

I'm so tired of this. I keep waiting to snap out of it but I never do.

crunch time

sorry I haven't been posting... it's the last week of my summer school course and I'm working triple overtime to pass it. I've been awake forever and a year.

I keep thinking about my book, my purpose and all that. I am still serious about it. I need to write a book for myself, even if it sucks ass and never gets published.

My broken is brain.

it's time for a big fat freak out

I decided to weigh myself this morning just to check. 203... 203... 203... What the hell? I have not been over 200 in like three years.

I want to work out so much but I have absolutely no energy... this heat wave is killing me!!! It's like 110 every day. It's 90 even at midnight.

Not only that but the person staying with me left to go home this morning. She was just here visiting for a few months. Now I am living by myself again which means I will be BORED and LONELY and I will COOK and BAKE and BINGE and PURGE in a never ending cycle of wasted time and money.

I don't know what to do. I'm so exhausted.

bulimia is good... at ruining your life

I saw that you've had bulimia for quite awhile. Have you had any really bad side effects?

To answer this question, I've decided to do a rundown of what bulimia does to your body as found on www.helpguide.org and whether or not I've experienced it. Actually these are called complications and not side effects.

* an imbalance in electrolytes...CHECK
* inflammation of the esophagus, salivary glands, and jaw...CHECK
* problems with teeth, gums, and lips...CHECK
* chronic irregular bowel movements due to abusive laxatives...NO
* feelings of shame and guilt...CHECK
* depression...CHECK
* low self-esteem...CHECK
* damaged family and social relationships...CHECK

I've had all of these except for the laxative ones b/c I've never abused those.

Would you like to see my teeth? I can probably spit them out and mail them to you. I don't have dental insurance and can't afford to see a dentist.

flavored water rocks my socks off!!!

Have you tried any fruit-flavored waters? They are SOOOO yummy! I am hooked on Dasani Raspberry. The weather resembles the surface of the sun and I'm REALLY trying to avoid diet soda in the afternoons... and I don't like drinking regular water when I'm not working out or eating. I'm so glad modern technology allows them to flavor water in this excellent manner. It's so COLD and refreshing and takes away my thirsties!

It also has ZERO calories which means it's probably full of something that will cause cancer. You'd think it would have like, 5 calories. However, my thirst is quenched and I'm not up all night.

Anyway I'm having a good week. I've had two good days of eating. I wish it were cooler so I could at least go for a walk, but it's seriously an oven out, even at midnight.

I'm sleepy... and it's only 12:15 am! yay for caffeine-free afternoons!

I've decided to come out of the closet

No I'm not gay (though that would probably be easier to admit on national television). I've been invited on a talk show to talk about being bulimic. I hesitated for about 10 seconds and then I decided to go for it! What the hell, why not? Most people around me either know I have some sort of eating problem (or suspect it) anyway.

The show is called the Dr. Keith Ablow show and it is coming out in syndication this fall. I haven't spoken with him yet but I've heard and read positive things about him. Unlike Dr. Phil, he is a real psychiatrist. He is interested in helping people and not putting on a freak show. I did an interview with someone else at the show about my life story. I have a feeling that this could definitely be a turning point in my life (if I allow it).

I was contacted about this by Michelle Hope, who some of you may know from her blog. She is trying to find other people willing to go on the show with us. Is anyone else out there interested in going on the show? We need more people to make it happen.

Personally, I'm tired of hiding and being ashamed and feeling alone in this. There are millions of strugglers yet we all feel alone. How can this be? It's because we're all hiding in our own closets, where nobody can see what we do and judge us, but also nobody can reach in and help us either.

We need to come out in the open. Think of the famous people who have had the balls to come out and admit their bulimia. Princess Diana, Paula Abdul, Felicity Huffman, Elton John and most recently Katharine McPhee from American Idol. They are 100,000 times more in the public eye than any of us, and this admission hardly ruined them.

Remember how I talked about needing courage and not strength to recover? We need to be courageous in our fight to escape this disorder.

Contact me or Michelle Hope if you want to be on the show or at least are considering it.

Dr. Keith Ablow Show

Vive la revolución!!!

hello children!

So I was thinking today about how I always beat myself up for not having the strength and willpower to stop eating, to get better and to basically do the things I want to do. Maybe it's not that I can't find the strength inside myself. Maybe what I really need is the courage to move forward. So it's not that I can't do it, but that I am just stalling, too afraid. Have I thought this all before? Sometimes I think I am plagiarizing from myself.

Anyway it reminds me of one of my very favorites South Park episodes... titled, "You Got Fucked in the Ass!" when Chef informs the dance crew that they suck.

You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. Wait a minute... you have the soul, but you don't have the heart. Hold on a second... you have both the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent.

I'm still looking for more answers as to HOW (see my last post) if anyone has any.

so what's next

I just don't know what to do next. I've searched inside myself, I know who I am and who I want to be, blah blah, and I'm ready to change my life. But I don't know HOW. Maybe it's not so complicated? Is there a list of instructions on what to do next, or is it just "Next Step: Change and live happily ever after."

If anyone has any pointers about where to go from here, I'd like to hear them. I'm so dreadfully stuck, like Winnie the Pooh in the door to Rabbit's house.

the darkness

I've been having a really hard time holding on lately, but my mind never stops. I'm always forced to examine and reexamine myself. It's a hard time because what I want for myself is not necessarily what others want or expect of me. In fact I've been realizing lately that nobody even knows me or what I'm really like. I pour my heart out onto these pages for Internet strangers to read. My real-life "friends" either don't have time for me or more likely, don't care to know the real me, this me. People want to hear how everything is great. Have you noticed that people will come up to you and say, "So how's your dying grandma/cousin/gardener/gardener's grandma's cousin/etc doing?" but they won't ask, "So how are you doing with your eating disorder?" People like to hear that everything is fine. Well fuck those people.

I've been thinking about who I am and how 2006 Me is not the same person as 2002 Me, which was the last time I made a big change in my life. That girl thought her future was set. But 2006 Me needs more from her future. I have goals that I now don't just WANT to accomplish, but that I NEED to accomplish. I was meant to accomplish them. Those new dreams are replacing old dreams. It is very hard and sad to say goodbye to dreams that (like that pair of size 8 Gap jeans I bought on sale) never fit me.

I love these lyrics - from Pacing the Cage by Jimmy Buffett

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend

more later...

I am not hungry

but I want to binge. I want to go to 7-11 and buy up as many of their donuts as possible, even though they probably have been sitting out for nearly a day now.

But I'm not going to... at least not this one time. I made myself ask, how much will be enough? and there isn't an answer. Even every donut left at every 7-11 in a 10 mile radius won't be enough - I'd still be hungry (emotionally).

I'm cooking a Healthy Choice dinner instead because I think I am actually a bit hungry. It's about 250 calories.

I am so lonely and bored. Did I mention this lately?

I'm so depressed

I'm going for a walk now.

I feel like I have a broken heart... for no real reason.

thanks for the feedback

I love getting messages from blog readers. You guys have the best perspective and understand so much more than the people I know in person... I really need to start an ED support group.

Why do I feel like such a loser because I can't "stop" eating? It is what goes through my head all day long: "how can I stop eating... why can't I stop eating... what if I could just stop eating... I need to stop eating." I ignore the voice and overeat to rebel, and the voice gets louder. Yet I don't listen to the voice... only let it berate me. I know it's stupid and impossible but I still do it.

Tonight I went for a walk. It wasn't very long, just about 25 minutes. It didn't lift me up but made me tired. I should try to go every night. I saw fireflies tonight :-)

time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping... into the future

It's another new month. Looking back I don't know if I'm even a teensiest bit better than when I started this blog. I'm different, older and wiser, but am I better?

I went to Borders tonight. There sure are a lot of books out there. It really got me thinking how I need to write my book. I have to get better first.

It's a few months until my birthday. 30. I am really feeling stressed about it and what that will mean. I think this is going to be a very hard summer.

PS I'm lonely

I didn't mean to sound like a brat

...or that I was saying looks were the only thing that matter to me. Of course that's not true at all!

I had a pretty good day today. I was not very hungry. I really thought to myself: what I will accomplish by bingeing, and more specifically, what will it take to make me satisfied? How much is enough? The answer is that it's never enough. There's always more food to be eaten. I can eat nonstop for the rest of my life and there will still be more food.

I cannot sleep. I am so stressed out... well, I will blog more later. Thank you for all the support. I am so happy people like to read my thoughts.

looks do matter motherfuckers

The most important thing is that I lose weight. That is it. That is the key to my happiness and anyone who says differently doesn't know me or is full of shit. I'm tired of hearing "oh looks don't matter" from hypocrites who judge people on their looks. They may not realize they're doing it, but they do it just the same, and I've seen it.

We're supposed to have this PC, granola outlook on life where looks don't matter. People tell their children that, friends tell friends that. Well it's not doing anybody any good to pretend fantasy is reality. Looks DO matter. People should tell their children, "The world will judge you on your looks so take care of your appearance."

I'm not saying looks are the ONLY thing that matter. You absolutely have to have something to back them up - talent, personality, heart, etc. But if you're fat or ugly, you're not going to get the same shot or same treatment an attractive person will get. You'll be at a disadvantage.

Yesterday in my class we had a speaker who is a local TV reporter. She looks about 30 but is only 23. She is an absolute twig, just tiny. I'm talking size 0 tiny. She said she lost 25 lbs because she had to look the part. She also had to relax and press her hair (she's black). She said "yes, some people think I'm a sellout but I'm doing what I love, I'm able to tell the stories that need to be told, and to get here I HAD to make sacrifices and change myself." She said also that the lifespan of her career in front of the cameras will be another 10-15 years, tops. People don't want to hear these things, but it's reality.

I don't think I'm a shallow person for wanting to be thin or even saying outright that I will never be happy until I lose weight. Losing weight WILL be a success story for me. I'm just tired of caring about all these other things and other people when my happiness is not dependent on any of those things or people.

If I didn't care how I looked or how much I weighed then I could recover from bulimia in one second. But I have to factor in my desire to lose weight at the same time. In fact I am going to use it as motivation to recover, because I know that I can never lose weight living this way. The bulimia cycle is not a path to thinness and will only keep me fat and miserable.

Have I said all this stuff before? I don't remember...

I've been doing crappy

blah blah blah blah blah blah... that is how I feel. It's not depression it's just... I don't know what's wrong with me except it feels a bit like PMS. I'm still taking the Seasonale so I don't knnow what's up with that. Maybe it's a period anyway. I've been having cramps, insatiable hunger, feeling pissed off AND I got a cold sore (which means mega hormones).

I shouldn't make excuses. I want to get better and find a different life. I know I have the strength to do it somewhere. Thank you to those who write here that they believe in me... it gives me the strength.

what's wrong with me

I've been doing terribly. Totally destructive and out of control. Why? I don't know. I think it was a combination of forgetting to take the Prozac for about a week and this bland BRAT diet. Bad combination.

I just have to try again.

Tomorrow I willl see the nutritionist. I will have to confess I've been doing terribly.

I'm sorry.

you'll never guess what :-)

The professor allowed me to take the final :-) The teacher's assistant emailed me on Sunday and said the professor was a very nice and understanding person. I can't believe it. Anyway I took it this morning! I got a B on it, which means I should get a C in the class. (I got a D on the first test, an A on the second test, an A on all four papers but like a D average on my quizzes... oops). Wow.

I'm happy I don't have to retake the class, but I'm also happy that I had time to freak out and examine myself. It was really a breakthrough for me to realize how I was not in control, and to contrast that to how fucking pissed off I was a few weeks ago by something work related that was out of my control went wrong. I had a great couple of days, I really feel strong.

everything happens for a reason

today was a remarkably good day. After the shock of last night, it sunk in slowly today that this ridiculous mistake I made can serve a bigger purpose. I'm not an idiot, so the fact that I would do something so stupid shows me that I am not in control of my life. Bulimia is in control of my life, still. And it's in charge because I let it be in charge.

At first I was hoping that there would be some miracle and the professor's assistant would email me back (I sent her some frantic emails) and say it was ok, that I could take the final next week or just write five papers or something. But I never heard from her... and I realized that I didn't deserve to get a second chance. The way I acted was so irresponsible and so inappropriate at the university level that I don't even deserve a response. Virago left me a comment suggesting I level with the professor about my problem, mentioning how she has always found the school to be so supportive when she's explained her health situation...then she added "i could even take advantage of it too much sometimes." Well I don't want to take advantage of it anymore, because I definitely have in the past. In the past three years, I've turned in doctor's notes to three professors saying I have a medical problem and to please consider that in my final grade. (And it "worked" two out of the three times, I got As in the class when my point total was actually a C.) Well I don't want to do that because that is just crap. I don't want a doctor's note for an excuse, I don't want any excuse. I want to be me and do what I am capable of, and that is A-level work!

Tonight I also went to C3's commencement. (Of course he graduated with "highest distinction" summa cum laude whatever because he's Mr. Perfect.) It was terrific and helped me form this epiphany. Well first off I felt a little bit sad afterwards because I don't feel close to him at all and I'm not in any way talking romantically. I feel like we have so much in common that we should be great, close friends and we are such great surface friends but there is just something not connecting. But that's that and I can't force a friendship, so, onto the main point. The keynote speaker mentioned going after your dreams, pursuing your goals, etc about a million times. It occurred to me that my only dream is to be thin. My only goal is to be thin. How empty my life is, how devoid of direction. Dreams of writing a book or a screenplay are inside me somewhere, but I don't give them any attention. I once had the dream of being a veterinarian but I never went forward with it because it got buried by the dream of being thin. I dream about what it will be like to be thin and how amazing that will be, because then everybody will love me and I will be so beautiful and so happy. That is my only dream and goal in life. I think something called logic is now knocking on my head saying, "Hello! McFly?!" What a ridiculous waste of a brain and life and soul.

I still feel very guilty and embarrassed, but what can I do about it. So I enrolled for the same class next semester. Fortunately there were a few spots left. And it's only once a week in the evenings instead of three times a week at 8:30 am! So hopefully it won't be bad.

I'm doing ok with this BRAT diet the last few day. I have not really cheated, except to put ketchup on my white rice. A quart of steamed white rice from the Chinese food place is only 80 cents, a lot less than the $6.50 I paid for my favorite house special fried rice.

I still feel a lot of pressure to lose weight. I saw some new pictures of me (whole body) from two weeks ago and I cannot believe that that is me. I do not feel like I look like that. I don't understand why I can't accurately judge my reflection! It's only in pictures that I can see myself.

You know what, I also have a new dream. I want to do something to help people with eating disorders. I don't know what I can do. I want to start a support group at school if I can.

I'm a total complete MORON

so I've been studying for Friday's final exam for the past few hours... I stopped to check the syllabus really quick to make sure I was reading all the right chapters. Then it jumped out at me:

May 11 FINAL EXAM, 10:30 A.M. - 12:30 P.M.

Yes... May 11 as in THURSDAY as in TODAY as in I fucking missed it because I didn't know it was going on.

I don't know how I can be so stupid. I don't know what I'm going to do.

MUCH MUCH better!

I'm doing much better, thank god. I don't know what changed. Everything just seemed to pass! Hooray!

thanks for the support and wishes... I am feeling better. I can't remember if I wrote about the BRAT diet. It's bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. The doctor put me on it because I'm having a lot of stomach problems. They think it is my gallbladder. All I know is, if I eat anything else besides those foods, I feel totally sick.

I'm sadly excited about this gallbladder thing. I really love having a "real" sickness I can talk about to people, isn't that pathetic? Plus I feel like I might have a chance of sticking with a healthy eating plan if it's doctor ordered.

untitled

I'm not doing any better. In fact I'm doing worse. I feel like I'm falling into deep depression. I don't even care about C3 anymore.

I just don't know how to fix myself...

so upset

I'm so upset because I got chewed out by my boss about last week when I threw a fit. I know that I am right and the whole thing makes me sick. I want to quit and move home but I don't have any money.

It's terrible to admit this, but the only thing that calms me down is to myself "remember that the only thing that matters to you is to be thin, so don't worry about this crap and move on with losing weight." It's like a morphine drip for my pain.

pigging out!

I've been such a pig the past few days... I go home in two days and then I will attempt to start over for the 10,000 time. I forgot my Seasonale :-(

This is random but have you ever had this weird disgusting feeling come over you after you touch your breasts? I started getting this feeling when I was first going through puberty... the feeling would come over me when I was drying off after my shower. It's like these waves of grossness that roll through my body and make me feel totally sick and disgusting... I used to try to sing or do something to distract myself to avoid "the feeling." Fortunately it stopped... only rarely do I get the feeling, but I got it just now and I think it's because I'm not wearing a bra. Ewww.

The nutritionist wants me to keep a journal. I will start Tuesday.

hanging in there

this has been a terrible week, massive stress. I feel like quitting my job and moving away. Fortunately I am going home for a few days and will be back. It is just the break I need to put everything in perspective.

The meeting with the nutritionist was great - she is awesome. I'll post more about it later. time for bed, 24 hours of this hell week to go.

xoxo

I need to cry but I can't

I'm so frustrated and stressed out at work because of these idiots I had to work with this week... The worst thing is that I bet these people make twice my salary and they can't get anything right. It's almost comical. My work is 1000 times better than theirs. I want to ask them if they have any openings at their company because I want to apply and kick all their sorry asses. We're under huge stress with this big event and everybody is stretched to the limit, and I have to deal with these dumbasses. The worst part is that I did original flawless work and they tried to "fix it" and totally fucked it up.

I wanted to throw a whiny fit at C3 just now. I was telling him the situation about these morons and how upset I was about it and how I couldn't believe it, and he didn't even say anything, he just stared at his computer and started talking about what he was working on at that very moment. He's such a man.

and I'm really, really fat. I just look and feel terrible. I saw a pic of myself from 10 days ago. I look like a very fat person. I swear there is a huge difference between 180 and 190. It looks like I've gained 30 lbs instead of 10.

I really need to cry and feel like crying, but I can't. You can't cry on Prozac. It dries up your tears before they can form.

Mandy sad.

A million little steps

tomorrow is my appt with the nutritionist... I hope meeting with her will help, even though I've met with plenty of nutrionists before.

I just got a suggestion to look at OA (Overeaters Anonymous)... I looked it up and there are a few meetings in my area. I guess I can try it though I don't know if I believe in the whole 12-step concept. However I think I can use all the help I can get... it seems like the more I want to change, the more I resist all my efforts to change. It's driving me insane.

I've been watching the X-Files on TNT for the past three hours. I should go to bed but there's another yet one on... I want to be Mrs. Mulder. Did you guys know Chris Carter wrote the B.R.A.T. Patrol back in the day? I guess I'm still preoccupied... with 1985.

I can't be accountable to myself

I was thinking about how I can't imagine myself actually losing weight on my own. I need to have a nutritionist or a psychologist or somebody who I can report to on a weekly or even monthly basis. I just can't be accountable to myself... I can do lots of work if I know other people are expecting it and need it, but I can't do shit for me. Why is that?

I feel like crap. You know how some women get phantom pregnancies? Well I think I'm having a phantom period. I have been super bitchy irritable the past few days, and I have had a lot of cramps. I keep thinking I'm bleeding but then I check and nada. What the hell? I will ask my roommates and see if they are having their period and making my uterus jealous.

It's one week away from the big event dressy up thing... actually two dressy up things. Remember how I had been planning on losing 25 lbs? Hah that didn't happen. Well I'm not going to beat myself up. It's just another weekend and it will be over before I know it. I need to start again and this time I need to believe I can do it. I hope the nutritionist will help.

I want to work out. I just am so overwhelmed by the whole concept. I need to know I can do it.

blogging again...

I haven't felt much like blogging lately - I've been so busy. I've also been kind of lost and stuck. So today I went to see the psychologist I saw before. She said I really seemed ready to move forward and she recommended I see the nutritionist. She thinks it will help if I work with someone to set up a really good, realistic nutrition plan, and to have someone to "report" to about how I have been eating.

I had a bit of PMS angry bitchiness and some cramps, but no sign of a period. I remember when I went on Seasonale before, the second month I had a 30-day period. Yes a whole month of a period! I hope that doesn't happen again but even so it's worth it.

Yay pharmaceuticals!

hope everyone is well...

ehhh

I only slept 3 hours last night. I am really rebelling against myself. I'm too tired to explain what I mean right now though...

I've decided I absolutely can't have any sugar anymore. Even the slightest bit sets me off. I really am like a crack whore. I'm a snack whore. I was really out of control the past two days... but I think I snapped out of it.

I love apples. I tried to be extra healthy and buy some nice organic apples from the health food store but it turns out they weren't nearly as yummy as the Walmart apples which you know are totally genetically modified and farmed out of a petri dish by underage underpaid workers.

I love not having my period. Seasonale is the greatest thing ever. I've noticed my skin has been crappy lately, and I think it's the pills. I'm also so damn horny! I should go out and buy a vibrator but it would feel like I was totally giving up on ever finding a man. Actually really I don't have a spare $100 or whatever vibrators cost. Maybe I should stage a celebrity benefit to raise money. VibeAID 2006.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

After one week, I'm allergic to cake

Yuck! This afternoon at work I had a piece of cake (ok it was more like three, but they were little mini squares, all three together are what *I* would have cut as one piece) and I feel so sick now. It is just too much sugar! It was carrot cake which I didn't used to like, but OMG it was so good. It has cream cheese frosting and it was just amazing. EXCEPT for now I feel totally sick, even two hours later. Gross!

I guess it's a good sign that my body is rejecting it. I did really well this past week! I've been eating small meals regularly! (I love you, frozen meals!) I don't have tons of energy but that's OK.

I really want to go eat like 10 more pieces of cake. It's just sitting there. It will go into the refrigerator and then after a week it'll be tossed out.

Also today I bought a formal dress for that upcoming event... it is a size 12. I have the exact same dress in a different color and fabric from a year ago, and it was a size 14! So I am happy. The 12 is a bit snug but it will be OK in 3 weeks time... if I don't eat the rest of the cake.

loo loo loo I've got some apples... loo loo loo you've got some too

Last night I ate a real dinner so I only did the apple fast for like a day and a half, but I felt like that was enough. I didn't have a big dinner just a Weight Watchers frozen dinner... I love the diet frozen dinners. They are so good, and quick and easy. Whenever I make spaghetti I end up eating all of it... like six servings at once.

I'm also drinking tons of water to feel full. I stopped drinking Diet Mountain Dew constantly. I only have some in the morning to give me a caffeine boost.

anyway the apple thing rules... I'm going to try to eat at least two a day for snacks. Oh by the way... there is CAKE at the office! Yes delicious birthday sheet cake! It's sitting in the fridge and there's more than half of it left... I didn't have any. I know I couldn't have just one piece. One bite and it would turn into a binge. It's all or nothing for me...

Making Apples Out of Nothing At All

I love the apple fast! Even though yesterday didn't really count, since I had a real breakfast. I did really well though, I had made this pumpkin bread and gave one away, and the other one I put in the freezer. When I took it out of the tin last night a part of it broke off and stayed in the tin... but I took the piece out and put it back with the loaf even though I wanted to eat it so badly... It was super yummy and full of chocolate chips too and I did eat a few crumbs but that's ok. I also ate put some reduced fat peanut butter on apple slices later.... OMG it was so good!

I'm listening to Air Supply. I don't think they get enough credit for how much they rule.

don't shoot me but... I'm fasting

I'm doing an apple fast where I eat only apples for three days. Years ago I actually signed up for a medical weight loss with a friend and the first thing the doctor had us do was do an apple fast. It's not so hard because apples have pectin which makes you feel full. Then when it's done you're hardly hungry at all and it's easier to eat small meals.

Well I feel terrible today. I stayed up studying for my exam the whole night. I think I did OK, much better than my last exam, but after the test I looked up three of the answers I wasn't sure about and I got them all wrong! dammit! and then I was so beat that I went back to bed and missed work... boss called and I ignored the call and went back to sleep. I feel great about myself... not.

To answer the question left by Disoriented... no, I don't think this terribleness of mine has to do with my crush. At least, not directly. This morning when I came home from school I was lying in bed and my head was spinning because I was so exhausted, and I thought about him and how much I DON'T like him. How is it that after all these years of friendship I do not feel close to him at all. When I was laying there I started getting angry and thinking how I want to confront him that I WISH he could be the man I needed. But he cannot and it's not my failure but his. I shouldn't be so mean to him because he is so so so so sweet and gentle, but I don't feel close to him. He is happy 24-7 but never lets his guard down and is never emotionally vulnerable like people are from time to time... but again it's not his fault. I have just built him up into this god and I am just tired of it all. And when I was laying there thinking this I was thinking how I'm goddamn starving for love and affection and this could be contributing to my overeating. I actually almost cried thinking this... and I never cry over myself. Sad movies, yes, but no tears for real life.

By the way I look terrible and feel terrible. I should have weighed myself this morning just to see. The good thing is that I don't have my period! Yay Seasonale!

I'm doing terrible

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stop eating. I've been totally out of control with binging and purging... And I have to hide because I threw up so hard I broke a bunch of blood vessels around my eyes.

I feel like I'm going crazy. What is the reason for this? I think I need therapy. I really don't know why I'm doing this to myself when it's the last thing I want. I just can't stop...

Sharapova wins in straight sets

I don't know what's wrong with me... but I don't care! because does it matter why? I've been in such a funk, not wanting to work out and eating everything in sight. I've also been feeling sorry for myself a bit. Today C3 was showing me photos on his computer and in his photo directory, I saw a folder of pics of sexy tennis babe Maria Sharapova!!! No wonder! There is no way he could think I'm attractive if that is his ideal woman. Well I really felt bad for myself... for about 5 minutes.

I feel terrrrrrrible. So tired and bloated and just miserable. I wanted to order pizza tonight but I didn't... because enough! I have the power to stop this thing and be the person I want to be.

I will try to have a good weekend. I want to feel strong and energetic and good about myself.

but I learned something today...

well I had a bad weekend. I'm in a great mood and doing really well supposedly, yet I'm bingeing up a storm. I figured out why.... I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!! I need the excitement. I find myself looking forward to bingeing and getting all excited. I don't have any other exciting activities planned. I find myself actually looking forward to watching Law & Order and CSI reruns. How about if I plan on going to the gym instead? I need to find something else to entertain me. I need to try something that doesn't let me eat ice cream at the same time.

well at least I am trying to examine my behavior... I didn't want to post here but I made myself. I'm so exhausted. I mowed the lawn on Saturday for the first time this spring and I am so sore. It took me like 15 minutes of yanking to start the thing. Now my right arm is totally sore.

I need to find a hobby. I wish I had a dog.

bloggity blog blog

I feel great! By some miracle I was able to get out of bed this morning after only three hours of sleep. I was staying up late watching South Park episodes I'd already seen. Actually it is a miracle that I woke up because I turned off my alarm apparantly at 7:20, because I only remember waking up suddenly at 7:55. I was able to get to my 8:30 class by 8:45 (she takes roll at 8:50, yeehaw!) and we even had a quiz. Phew. By the way I can't have another unexcused absence in this class, because I already have two and you fail if you have three...

I tried to take a nap around lunchtime but I couldn't fall asleep...

ok so I have some questions to answer from my audience (aka guest book commentators)...

Question #1 comes from Emily! "What kinds of emotions came up for you when you watched the show? Did it encourage you to overcome your ED?"

This show didn't bring up that many emotions, because I didn't identify much with the girl. Actually I never usually identify with women I see on shows like these. I was able to separate myself from her because of our differences and thought the cliched "Oh I'm not like THAT." Like these women on both CSI (fiction) and Intervention (reality) both had anorexia. Meanwhile I'm not "good enough" or "strong enough" to be anorexic. (I put that in quotes because I know that's silly, but I still feel that way!) And they also used laxatives, which I don't. I suppose I would use laxatives, as gross as they are, if they actually worked but they don't so why bother.

Actually I saw a previous episode of Intervention that had a bulimic who was not anorexic. But she was married with kids already, so I couldn't identify with her because "I'm not like THAT." I supposed I would have to see someone exactly in my situation before I could identify.

I also suppose I don't have that many emotions about bulimia. It just is. I mean it's an issue obviously, but I never, ever, ever cry over it. I suppose I'm pretty disconnected from it... maybe I need to connect to it somehow to really recover.

Ok question #2 comes from Esperanza! It's about my Crushy Crush Crush, aka C3. "What you need to ask yourself is: is this guy good enough for me? Is he stable enough? Secure enough? Smart enough and stong enough to handel a woman like me?"

Yes, he totally has his act together. He is smarter than me and just the sweetest, cheeriest, most generous guy I know. He's basically perfect and very successful. Of course nobody is perfect I realize, and the only question is if he's perfect for me. I don't meet that many guys I like so he's definitely magnified in my world. For sure he loves, loves, loves me as a friend. I think he doesn't like me because I don't have my crap together, and I'm not pretty enough or feminine enough. I don't want to analyze him to death (what if he one day finds this site? ahhhh!) because I recognize that it's not healthy. He's a great person but regardless, the problem is I see him as unattainable until I Finally Lose Weight(TM). So in that way he is exactly the same as all the others. The perfect guy is part of the success package I believe I will get when I Finally Lose Weight.

I don't know how I can make losing weight NOT the most important thing in my life. I need to get rid of the desperation I feel surrounding it. Why can't I just approach nutrition and weight loss from a scientific and logical perspective, instead of an emotional one?

well I guess this is a pretty good blog entry... thanks for those questions.

I rode the bike for 30 min today super slowly... I don't have enough energy after three hours of sleep. Also I ate really well too, except for some peanut M&Ms... my eternal foe!

starting... slowly

Well I had a good day today and yesterday, kind of. I have no energy! I rode the bike for 20 min and that's it. But I feel committed to starting again.

I started taking the Seasonale on Sunday and I am so horny! I cannot get sex off my brain. I don't know why it's so bad. C3 is making me crazy. Whenever I talk to him I'm tempted to start rubbing him all over... His body is fantastic. Argh I need a boyfriend!

well I am going to go to bed early tonight and get up early in the morning. At least that is the plan!

thanks for the kick in the ass

I will start AGAIN tomorrow.

Today I picked up the Seasonale at the drug store and started it today too... It cost $145, can you believe it?! So damn expensive. But it should be worth it... I guess I'll know it is working when I don't have to clean my ear's anymore.

Tonight I watched that show "Intervention" on A&E. They had a girl who was bulimic and anorexic. She chewed and spit out her food. While that sounds like a "great" idea, I think I could not be satisfied that way.

And tonight I watched a CSI rerun and it featured this model who was anorexic and bulimic too. Wow what a theme for tonight.

By the way, the CSI and the Law & Order franchises are ruining my life. Law & Order has been my favorite show for years. That was OK because I hardly watch TV. Just Law & Order and the occasional HBO series like Sopranos or Sex & The City. But now Law & Order has expanded its reach with three spinoffs. I just got into CSI too. I have to catch up on all the years I've missed. It's on so many channels that I am sometimes forced to choose which show to watch based on the description. I think they need to have an all L&O and CSI cable network so I don't have to choose. I'm positively addicted to all these shows. Maybe I'll end up on Intervention...

I'll post later today how I do. I promise I will really try to make it a good day.

trying to find motivation again

I'm trying to find motivation to get better again. I don't know why, it seems like I forgot WHY I need to get better and why I can't keep doing this whole bulimia thing. Somebody remind me why I need to go to the gym and eat healthy.

I'm sorry, I'm tired, my brain is broken.

I need a kick in the ass to get started.

what a difference a day makes

I can't believe it... I woke up Thursday with so much energy and everything is great again. My period is gone and I'm a happy person. I need to get my ass back in the gym and work hard not because I was bad, but because I love working out and feeling like an athlete.

I would like to grow up now

I had a dream last night that I reunited with some friends from high school, including a guy that I had a huge crush on. I had such a crush on him that I was literally speechless whenever he was around, and I never once had a meaningful conversation with him. I have a dream every so often about him where we hang out now and he gets a chance to see I'm not a dork. It's not like I still wish I could be with him and I'm sure he's a total loser now anyway. I remember seeing his name in the paper a few years after high school for a DUI. But still it's always a really nice dream and I wake up feeling kind of wistful.

I think I need to act more like a grown up. For some reason I am afraid to be an adult, independent and standing on my own. I need bulimia for this reason. It lets me act like a child, immature and irresponsible. I think it's time to move forward.

Well my cramps are almost gone but I still feel very nauseous, especially because of how I've been sleeping (bad hours) and eating (everything in sight). I will try to do something meaningful today exercise-wise...

by the way C3 said he didn't know I was really sick. So I forgive him for not checking up on me I suppose...

picking up and trying again

someone posted that fucking up is part of the recovery process. Part of it. I have to believe that. I was so doing so great and I can do great again. I will try again... and not give up next time.

My stomach hurts so much right now. I don't want to hurt anymore. I have less than six months until I'm 30. I hate how fast time is going.

thanks for reading my blog.

I hate everything and everybody

well not really but it feels like that. I finally got my period and it hurts so bad. I won't be missing it once I start El Seasonale. And I got really sick on Sunday with some kind of stomach flu. I had to go to the urgent care and they gave me a shot that killed like a motherfucker. Usually shots don't hurt but this was a bitch! It is a terrible flu and the strange thing was that it made me throw up. It was strange because I haven't thrown up for real (ie, not self-induced) in like 10 years maybe. Oh my god, it was terrible! It hurt so bad and it was so scary and so disgusting! It was nothing like bulimic throwing up which is so much more controlled and "normal." Or maybe I'm just used to it. Anyway I wonder if non-bulimics think bulimics are crazy because they think we go through this terrible experience on purpose. Self-induced vomiting is not that attractive of course but it is NOTHING like this regular puking that you can't control.

Well I am very sad. It has been three days since I got the flu and C3 has not called or stopped by to see how I am doing. I am glad in a way because it shows me he is not my dream man like I thought. These eye openers happen for a reason.

but I'm sad anyway. I wish I had real love.

depressed

I'm depressed. I hope it goes away soon. I still have cramps but no period yet... I feel a bit better today though than I did yesterday and Thursday.

I am so happy I have a week off from school. Even though I'm only in one class, I really hate it. I had a paper due Friday at noon and guess what time I started it? 10:30. As in 10:30 AM and not PM the night before. Not only that, but I had to actually physically bring the paper to school. I am sure I got a bad grade but I don't even want to think about it right now. I will have to come back and kick ass the rest of the semester if I want to pass this class.

Anyway sorry I'm not spreading cheer... Hopefully this will be a good week. I plan to do some gardening which will be some good exercise.

love from me

salam alekum!

There is someone reading my blog from Saudia Arabia! I wonder if the person is Saudi or American or what? Please write and let me know. How eating disorders happen in different cultures fascinates me.

I love looking up who is reading this blog and the searches they used to find me. Some random recent searches include:

• "bulimia and frappuccino"
  
• "i am a bulimic who is too lazy to throw up"
  
• "drunk on nyquil"
  
• "My boobs are so big that"
  

I just loooove that that last one brings you to this sexy page! Woohoo!

I'm sorry I didn't post much this week but I've had computer probs. They're solved now... and I'm sorry to report I've been bingeing and purging up a storm. I just can't stop eating. I swear it is the PMS, I don't want to be full of excuses but this just has to be a serotonin thing.

To answer the question left in my comments, Seasonale is a birth control pill that lets you have only four periods a year (or none if you choose). There does not seem to be any medical benefit to having a period other than letting you know you're not pregnant. Some doctors believe that women are having too many periods throughout their lifetime now and it's not good for their bodies. I truly believe that too, because in earlier days women would be getting pregnant earlier and be pregnant or nursing constantly, and thus, only average one or two periods a year. Now women have 13 periods a year for decades and decades.

Anyway I took Seasonale a few years ago because my period pain was so severe they thought I had endometriosis. I really liked it and it really did work for me, but I stopped taking it because it was so expensive ($120 for three months' supply). I just thought I could fight through it if I was more careful but I can't take it anymore. Look at what a different person I am than I was 10 days ago.

By the way, do you know what it is odd, when I took Seasonale I never had any earwax. It literally stopped appearing. I couldn't find anything about it when I googled this, except for one thing that said a certain type of ear wax was related to a certain type of breast cancer. So maybe it is a hormonal/estrogen thing?

Someone also left me a comment asking if I ever thought about writing a book. Yes!!! I've made a few mentions of a book earlier. But you know, I first have to figure out how to fix myself. Who would buy a book that offers no solution or personal success story? Would you buy a book where every chapter was titled "I suck"?

never been so happy about cramps

but the quicker my fucking period comes the quicker it will go and I can go on the Seasonale. I saw the Seasonale commercial like four times today and it pisses me off. Not for any reason except that it pisses me off. I do think it's kind of creepy, all the white and then the random bright pink (Hey I just wrote "brink," a combo of bright and pink. I invented a new word. I rule!) to represent that your world would be much less covered in fuschia blood if you take these pills.

By the way I have pure hatred for every woman in feminine-product ads and commercials. I resent that their world is apparantly one big trampoline. I also hate that there is always a happy bouncy white woman, a happy bouncy black woman and a happy bouncy Asian and/or Latina woman. I guess the ad people want to drive the point home that the product works for all vaginas.... except for Eskimo vaginas. You never see them. They would be perfect for the ads, with all the white everywhere, don't you think?

So I've been eating so much. I am soooo, soooo, soooo hungry. It's like it's impossible to be full. I kept busy today, I didn't go to the gym but I did lots of cleaning so that makes me feel much better. Having a mess around really contributes to depression.

I looked for a nice appropriate Seasonale logo to go with this blog. I was not satisfied with any of the pictures and logos that came up when I image-googled "seasonale." However, this picture did come up. This is supposedly Dre. Sylvie Dodin, who is, according to the page, a female French gynecologist. However, I'm a little suspicious. I think I've stumbled across the Tootsie of gynecologists. When Dr. Dodin (sans e) discovered he was losing potential patients to female doctors, he put on a wig and some foundation and voila! Madame Dre. Dodin. I am extra satisfied with this explanation because I don't understand why any sane woman would choose to be a gynecologist.

I'm so happy I cleaned. It's so nice to go to bed when everything is nice and clean and the sheets are freshly washed...

well today sucked

Terrible day. I slept in until 3 pm! I'm a loser! Which means I have to stay up all night because I have a big article due tomorrow. And then I went to the Chinese buffet and binged and purged... I still feel so lethargic. I can't start the Seasonale until Sunday after my period starts... which will be pretty soon judging by the way I'm feeling. I'm tired of this crap. I was doing so well... I want to go back and exercise like last week but I have no energy. I feel like I fell down a hole.

someone shoot me...

blah

Definitely falling into PMS mode... I was so busy at work today I didn't get my prescription. I feel so lethargic and crappy. I managed to do like 25 min easy on the bike and then 15 min easy walking.

blah blah blah blah blah
look how I get... I need to get the Seasonale ASAP!!!!!!! It helped me so much before.

Fat Tuesday

Today didn't get off to a good start. I was so dead this morning that I couldn't get up, and slept until 11. Not good but I'm happy to say I think it's been awhile since I slept that late on a weekday. I also ate a bunch of junk, a few sugary cookies and pieces of a giant chocolate chip cookie thing. By the way, it made me feel sooooo sick when I ate it. Maybe it was just too sugary. I still had another piece later. Yuck!

Anyway I was really in a pissy mood tonight. I was annoyed about something at work, but I think I'm turning the corner into the second half of the month, aka, beeeotch PMS time. Tomorrow is payday so I will go refill my prescription to Seasonale so no more periods. I can't have this disruption.

Tonight after work I managed to go to the gym, though I only got 20 min in because it was closing. I had so much energy, it felt really good.

Anyway I'm really sore from those lunges, and my triceps are also really sore. And also I think I hurt my wrist doing push ups yesterday. I get this sharp pain down the side of my forearm when I try to bend it. I want to take a class tomorrow but I won't put any weight on my wrist.

This morning I was tempted to weigh myself, "just to see." But I really don't want to because I know it doesn't matter. I think in the past I have weighed myself as punishment, like, "If you see how fat you are, it will inspire you to eat better and work out." But that's never actually worked... it's just been a number that is stuck in my head.

I'm happy

So I went to class even though I didn't want to, can you believe it? :-) It wasn't as hard as the last step class, but I'm still pretty beat right now... We had to do a lot of lunges, in fact we had to walk around the room in a circle, with every step a lunge. Ouch I am going to feel that tomorrow. The hardest part of the step classes for me is when I have to completely hop up and over or hop across the length of the step.

I am really enjoying working out with my good attitude, and not weighing myself at all. I am not even tempted. I like feeling like an athlete. I think I am going to try the eliptical tomorrow and test my endurance.

I had oatmeal for dinner tonight. I need to get back on track and get some healthy salad for dinner.

I don't want to go to step class tonight but I will make myself go anyway

so no time to type now. :-)

short entry...

I am so stiff and tired today. I could barely move. I didn't exercise but I ate well. I am exhausted... time for bed. zzzzzzzzzzz

search?hl=en&q=bulimia+is+good

so I occasionally check out my sitemeter to look at the referring pages, to see how people are finding my blog. Tonight I discovered someone googled "bulimia is good." I googled it and one of my entries called "The Bulimia Blog: Good day I think" came up near the top. Isn't that odd that someone would be looking for "bulimia is good"? What was this person looking for, perhaps some new research that reveals bulimia grows new brain cells, makes hair shiny and cures bird flu? Were they disappointed to discover my good day was thus because I avoided bulimic behavior? Hmph. Well if you haven't figured it out by now, bulimia is bad. Maybe I will change the name of this blog to Bulimia Sucks Ass to avoid confusion.

Today I drove two hours to see a friend of mine and hung out with her all day... I didn't exercise of course and I ate a lot of junk food. But, it's just one day and tomorrow I will exercise again. I'm really sore by the way. I can hardly lift my arms. Score!

I'm very tired now. Fortunately the drive home went fast. I thought a lot about C3 and how much he sucks. I think I deserve someone who is dying to kiss me, don't you?

I added two more recovery blogs: Emily and Esperanza. They have been leaving me some sweet notes of encouragement. Please visit their sites and send some love their way.

TGIF

Today was a good day. I worked out and ate well. I also took the stairs twice today... first five flights with my heavy backpack and then three flights later. I can't believe how hard stairs are to climb. I think that is the ultimate litmus test to check what kind of shape you're in.

I did a ball class at the gym this afternoon. It was strength and conditioning with a big rubber ball and medicine ball and some weights too. It was not too much cardio so it wasn't too hard for me, even though I am such a klutz. I thought I looked just slightly thinner than yesterday in the big mirror, but it could be just what I was wearing.

By the way I am tempted to weigh myself but I don't think I will for awhile. For some reason I don't really care what I weigh because I can see how I look in the mirror.

Anyway then I did 25 min on the bike... Not too intense at all because I am SOOOOO sore. It hurts to walk, but yet that feels great.

I did kind of feel like crap tonight because I had this freakout that my crushy crush crush (C3 for short) was possibly on a date tonight. I don't have any real knowledge that he was, but still the idea of it really hurts. I can't believe I am so insecure to let that upset me. It's so stupid because it is just a crush but I think I really count on the happy feeling it gives me to fill up that part of my life. One very small note though is that in the midst of this panic about what he was up to, my thoughts were of course 1) "lose weight lose weight lose weight" but then I thought "hey dumbass why don't you just tell him how you feel so you can forget him if he doesn't like you." I have never considered such a thing before because, even though he is a good friend and I know I would not lose his friendship by telling him that, the idea of rejection is just SO terrifying. I think everybody has had traumatic events in their life and looking back, the times involving rejection and loneliness were the most traumatic for me. So that is very unusual for me to have that pop in my head and I think it is a sign of... gasp... maturity.

Tomorrow I will see a great friend I have not seen in a few months. It is sad that I am thinking about how I am fatter than I was the last time she saw me. But so what... I am thinking about the future now. It sounds strange to say I'm still growing up at my age, but I guess we never stop growing up.

stepping up

I went to step class again tonight and I nearly dropped dead. This was a different class with a different instructor. The one on Tuesday had more work with other equipment (medicine ball, weights, weight bar, etc) whereas this one was just nonstop cardio. I also put the step bench on one row of steps to make it a bit harder, and it was so intense. The class was so fast and I was lost half the time. If it was too complicated I would just stop and do the basic step up and down.

This time I wore my glasses and I could see myself in the mirror. I was blind and now I see: I look terrible. I felt like a whale in that class, though of course I don't care what the other people think about me. It is so odd because I know I've gained weight since the fall, but I always look the same to myself regardless. Only in pictures can I see how I look realistically, and I don't take pictures that often. But in the big mirror I could see myself I think because I had so many other people to compare myself to. It felt like a punch in the face because I looked so bad, but I don't want to feel bad so I can just move forward.

Anyway the class was so hard and frustrating but it's ok because it was my first one. 30 min in I almost quit but I stuck with it. Fortunately it was only 45 min of step and then we did stretching and abs... I was still kind of pumped up so I rode the bike for 35 min at a moderate pace.

I was sooo hungry and during the class my mind was wandering to Chinese food buffet, can you believe it? I went straight to Subway and got something decent yet quick for dinner.

I hope for another good day tomorrow. I love the feeling of working out. It was really what I was missing.

PS I added another blog to my list of links: Mata Hari Mom. She has had her ED for 20 years! Please support her recovery effort too.

sore = good!

today I'm really sore, but it feels great! I did 40 min on the stationary bike, alternating 5 min easy/5 min hard.

This morning after school ended at 9:30 I really wanted to go home and go back to sleep, but I didn't. I survived. I did drink a ton of Diet Mountain Dew today though...

I'm so tired...... zzzzzzzz. I will sleep well tonight.

I will try to do a good workout tomorrow. Maybe I can fit a class at the gym in too.

I ate OK pretty well today too. I pigged out on crackers mid morning so I skipped lunch and had soup around 5 pm. Then I had steamed vegetables for dinner...

did I mention I'm tired? good night...

I did it!

I exercised!!! And real exercise too - I did a one-hour step class at the gym. Wow it felt great. The instructor kept us moving the whole time. It's been years since I did step. I didn't do some of the more advanced moves that required hopping because I'm so uncoordinated.

Still I love how I feel now... just awesome. I hope I can do a one-hour class a few times a week. There is a ball class at 6 am tomorrow but I don't know if I'll be dead in the morning. I'm already sore in my left leg because yesterday I slipped on the ice outside like a dork.

I want to say thank you to the kind soul who left a message in my blog yesterday. I was having a terrible day and my eating was out of control. I was planning on bingeing for dinner because my day was already "ruined" by a big lunch. Then I read the message that said "You've got the right attitude, and that's the hardest part. You're going to succeed." It was like a slap to the face. It really made me feel good. Well, I felt terrible at first because my attitude at that time was the wrong one. But then I suddenly felt good because I realized I do have the power to succeed if I want to. So I went out and signed up for the gym again.

well I will post again soon. thanks for being there anonymous and non-anonymous blog visitors.

under pressure

I'm sorry I haven't felt like writing in the past few days. I haven't been doing well at all with eating. I keep eating things I don't want to eat, and not exercising when I truly feel like doing it. I did a bit of thinking today about why I am so stuck (besides the obvious that trying to recover from this shit is hard as hell anyway).

I realized some of the problem in moving forward is that I've put myself under a lot of pressure to lose weight for these fancy events in April (brother's wedding, etc). So each day is not just a new day, it's one day closer to the big event where I must look good. I have to find two different flattering dresses. I wanted to lose like 25 lbs. and I still feel like I can if I work out like, 2 hours a day and eat 1,000 calories a day. But each day that I don't do that is a big colossal failure and then the guilt sets in and panic begins to rise... This is not a healthy approach to start in on recovery.

Well I can't get rid of this pressure entirely because the events are happening no matter what, and the dress shopping will eventually have to commence as well. So the only thing I can do is try to deal with it in a healthy way and not in an ED way. I accept that it's not realistic for me to try to lose 25 lbs in 8 weeks, as much as it breaks my heart to give up this dream which finds fulfillment around the corner. It is realistic for me to try to do some sort of exercise five days a week, but isn't that realistic for the rest of my life?

I don't know, I just wrote that I accept it's not realistic, but that's not really true. When I wrote exercise five days a week my mind started in on its calculations of how much weight I can lose... I just want to be thin! ok ok deep breath, calm down... I need to start working out but NOT for this or any event. No April deadline looming. Just so I can move towards feeling good about myself.

ok I feel better already.

Happy Excessive Calorie Intake Day

I can't stop eating. Today I ate sugar cookies, chocolates, and cupcakes with red frosting that stained my teeth a lovely fluorescent pink. Oh and I had a hamburger and fries for lunch.

I don't know why I'm rebelling against myself. I feel like crap. I think my teeth are going to jump out of my skull while I sleep tonight out of shock from the ridiculous amount of sugar I've consumed today. And for what?

However my crushy crush crush did give me chocolates and an e-card. I gave him candy too and he looked so happy when he saw it and he hugged me. I need a boyfriend but I know I can't find one until I lose weight. Am I being fatalistic or is that a big fat slice of reality pie?

By the way, today I had a burning desire to go to the gym and I DID NOT GO. Instead I ate more. What is wrong with me exactly... is it something besides an eating disorder? Do I have chronic laziness syndrome? Acute compulsive slothiness?

someone please tell me how to fix myself...

forward, and collectively defeat this bourgeois disorder!

trying yet again after a terrible weekend. I binged and purged like five times. Oh I want to write how I couldn't help it... but that's not so. It's just so easy to do, and change is so hard. I keep forgetting all the great things I've realized since I've started this journal because they haven't stuck yet. I need to remind myself of them every day. Maybe I will reread this whole thing every single morning as a refresher course.

On a good note, even though my sleeping has sucked, I have been waking up bright and early to go to class MWF. This is simply unheard of. I'm telling you, I would go once a week if they did not take attendance. I got a good grade on my paper too. I threw in some leftist opinions because I've suspected my professor of being a communist for some time - I got a 96! Today he actually said all workers are oppressed under capitalism.

well that is it for today, I will post more tomorrow.

terrible day, yet again

today was a terrible day. I couldn't stop eating. I got a refill on my Prozac so that should help. I keep forgetting that I really have to take it or else I start craving food like crazy...

I need to exercise. I am so fat. I want to walk across the country.