I feel great! By some miracle I was able to get out of bed this morning after only three hours of sleep. I was staying up late watching South Park episodes I'd already seen. Actually it is a miracle that I woke up because I turned off my alarm apparantly at 7:20, because I only remember waking up suddenly at 7:55. I was able to get to my 8:30 class by 8:45 (she takes roll at 8:50, yeehaw!) and we even had a quiz. Phew. By the way I can't have another unexcused absence in this class, because I already have two and you fail if you have three...
I tried to take a nap around lunchtime but I couldn't fall asleep...
ok so I have some questions to answer from my audience (aka guest book commentators)...
Question #1 comes from Emily! "What kinds of emotions came up for you when you watched the show? Did it encourage you to overcome your ED?"
This show didn't bring up that many emotions, because I didn't identify much with the girl. Actually I never usually identify with women I see on shows like these. I was able to separate myself from her because of our differences and thought the cliched "Oh I'm not like THAT." Like these women on both CSI (fiction) and Intervention (reality) both had anorexia. Meanwhile I'm not "good enough" or "strong enough" to be anorexic. (I put that in quotes because I know that's silly, but I still feel that way!) And they also used laxatives, which I don't. I suppose I would use laxatives, as gross as they are, if they actually worked but they don't so why bother.
Actually I saw a previous episode of Intervention that had a bulimic who was not anorexic. But she was married with kids already, so I couldn't identify with her because "I'm not like THAT." I supposed I would have to see someone exactly in my situation before I could identify.
I also suppose I don't have that many emotions about bulimia. It just is. I mean it's an issue obviously, but I never, ever, ever cry over it. I suppose I'm pretty disconnected from it... maybe I need to connect to it somehow to really recover.
Ok question #2 comes from Esperanza! It's about my Crushy Crush Crush, aka C3. "What you need to ask yourself is: is this guy good enough for me? Is he stable enough? Secure enough? Smart enough and stong enough to handel a woman like me?"
Yes, he totally has his act together. He is smarter than me and just the sweetest, cheeriest, most generous guy I know. He's basically perfect and very successful. Of course nobody is perfect I realize, and the only question is if he's perfect for me. I don't meet that many guys I like so he's definitely magnified in my world. For sure he loves, loves, loves me as a friend. I think he doesn't like me because I don't have my crap together, and I'm not pretty enough or feminine enough. I don't want to analyze him to death (what if he one day finds this site? ahhhh!) because I recognize that it's not healthy. He's a great person but regardless, the problem is I see him as unattainable until I Finally Lose Weight(TM). So in that way he is exactly the same as all the others. The perfect guy is part of the success package I believe I will get when I Finally Lose Weight.
I don't know how I can make losing weight NOT the most important thing in my life. I need to get rid of the desperation I feel surrounding it. Why can't I just approach nutrition and weight loss from a scientific and logical perspective, instead of an emotional one?
well I guess this is a pretty good blog entry... thanks for those questions.
I rode the bike for 30 min today super slowly... I don't have enough energy after three hours of sleep. Also I ate really well too, except for some peanut M&Ms... my eternal foe!
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