Ho ho ho... Green Giant

OK despite all the disgustingness of drinking that nasty half cup of olive oil (oh my stomach still curdles remembering!), it was evidentally worth it. Today I got a visit from what looked like peas floating in the toilet! They are of different sizes and shapes but most are the size of one or two peas, except for one that was the size of a large marble! Ewww. They are all green, which apparantly indicates a healthy liver, while black ones mean the liver is sick.

I thought about saving them to take a pic but it was just too nasty. (In response to Michelle's comment, let me remind you these are not kidney stones... the place the stones come from is identical on men and women!). So you will just have to trust me that this cleanse works. If any of you have suffered pain in your right side after eating, try it.

I heard of a suggestion that you should think of three good things that happened every day, so I am trying to do that each night. It really has made me smile to remember and it is not hard to think of things, even when I'm just staying at home and resting. Yay to the power of positive thinking.

eww eww eww eww (repeat 1000 times)

I think I've finally found a way to permanently ruin my appetite. Like I mentioned I am doing this gallbladder cleanse, and I made it through three days of drinking just apple juice and water. Tonight (the third night) I had to drink a half cup of pure olive oil. Oh god just remembering makes me nauseous... Plus I still taste the olive oil. It was so disgusting, oh so nasty. I calculated it and it is more than 100 grams of fat!!!!!! Barf. Then I had to follow it with a 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice (that actually tasted good at first but ewww too) and then go to bed and lay on my right side for 5 hours. I have to put a pillow under my hips to slant so it's impossible to sleep. Also I feel totally gross and nauseous.

All I have to say is I had better see results tomorrow! If you want to see what gallstones look like, here is a link to the page of the cleanse I did with photos.

Yesterday's blog got a good comment from Lee, about my body being out of whack:

it occurred to me that your body (and brain) are trying to tell you something's out-of-wack nutritionally. The more I read of your posts, the less inclined I am toward believing this is strictly an ED issue. This sounds less like an inability to control your food intake and more as if a part of your brain literally believes you are starving.

This is a really good point, and something I've heard before, but now that I want to get better I really need to address it. Just as I've been pampering my back lately, I need to pamper my body nutritionally...

PS eww gross eww gross eww gross

Detox rocks

So I'm taking the next week off to rest my back. I started resting on Wednesday and it's already much better! I have hardly any pain, except when I drove to the store. I think with a few more days it will really heal.

So while I am off my feet I decided to do this thing called a gallbladder flush. Remember how I had recurring stomach pains and had to go on that BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast)? Anyway for this flush for three days you drink nothing but organic apple juice and distilled water (up to one gallon of both each day). Then on the evening of the third day you drink some oil and some lemon juice and lay on your right side.

Anyway I started that yesterday and it's been going alright. I had to go to the health food store for the real apple juice. I noticed the food seems to be higher quality, and I spent a lot more time looking at everything. Also the store is close enough that I can walk to it if I only need a few things.

I googled "organic" and "eating disorder" and came up with something interesting:

A 1993 study, published in Biological Psychiatry by Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Northeastern Ohio Universities College of Medicine, Ralph G. Walton, M.D. shows: "Administration of this substance [aspartame], has also been associated with aggression and bingeing." An evolving view in modern psychiatry is that although depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, impulse control disorders and eating disorders have been viewed as separate entities, they should be viewed as a continuum of disorders - all involving some degree of dysregulation of serotonin. "I believe there is overwhelming evidence that aspartame contributes to this dysregulation," said Dr. Walton.

I looked up asparatame and it seems to be quite nasty. Unfortunately is in my most favorite drinks, Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Coke.

So it got me to thinking... what if all my food is full of poisons and my depression is related? I've decided to try to shop for organic food only and avoid Walmart at all costs except for bulk items like paper towels etc. It's worth a shot...

Everything happens for a reason

I really do believe that.

I think this back injury happened to force me to wake up and realize how I (mis)treat my body. I abuse the shit out of it so it makes sense that something, somewhere is going to go wrong.

I've also learned from my inability to cope with the situation. I can barely keep it together under normal conditions because my eating disorder is such an attention whore. I keep it together, barely. But add one more major stressor and it's total meltdown.

I've also learned that with some of my friends, I was trying to "fit" them. I need to find friends who fit me - fortunately I do have a few, and today I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to have them.

It makes me feel both good and sad to read the comments I get here... when people write to say they identify with me. That feels good, like there is someone out there holding my hand even I can't see them. But it makes me sad to know that just like me, they are another person lost and suffering on their own.

And then I get mad and I think, we have to change this. We have to make it so people know bulimia is not a sentence they've been forced to serve for a crime they may or may not have committed. Bulimia and depression are not personality defects, or a sign of a bad or weak person. I hate it when people make me feel like that. Fuck them.

And then I realize that I like to feel that anger, that pissed off feeling that is not guilt. It means there is still a fighter inside me, a tough person who still can turn this thing around whenever she is ready.

I want to get better and I want to take you all with me.

still depressed

...so depressed I don't have the creativity to think of something clever as a title. I have no energy. It took me days just to write this entry.

I've been completely immobile because my back is still sprained, plus now I'm having problems with my hips. It hurts to walk.

I wish I could run and exercise. I can't believe how much I took my health for granted.

...still bingeing and purging of course because it gets my endorphins up, at least temporarily.

I'm not exactly sad, just depressed. I don't really care about much of anything. I wish I could cry but I'm taking too much Prozac, though it's not really working well.

I have more to write and explain but I'm done typing now.

Prozac Poop Out

This is the real term they use for when Prozac suddenly and mysteriously stops working for a patient, and what I'm going through right now. It just stopped working for no reason except it wanted to. I know it's not working because not only am I constantly hungry, I do feel depressed and lethargic, AND horny as hell! (If anyone has had the same experience as I with antidepressants, you'll know feeling randy is not a common occurrence when you're popping the happy pills.)

So my back injury... I think it's related. I read that people with depression are more likely to have back problems, and that the depression lowers your pain inhibitors or something so you are feeling the pain more than another person. I actually have an excuse not to exercise - my doctor said to even avoid walking as much as possible. Right now my best friend is the heating pad. Aaaah relief...

But still the bulimia continues. Every night I swear it's over.... but then the next day I'll be off on some food hunt, my mind blocking out that promise to stop. If some brain cell tries to stand up and think "hey hello you know you don't want to do this" the other brain cells jump on it and kick it until it dies. Those brain cells must be bigger and stronger and meaner because they always make that little thought go away quickly and easily.

By the way my appetite is more proof that the Prozac isn't working... Not only am I hungry but I have CRAVINGS like you wouldn't believe. In the past two weeks I've had to hunt down (not in any particular order) pancakes and french toast (twice), Thai food, Indian food (that was tonight) and movie theater hot dogs -- all after dreaming about them for days. What the fuck, brain?!

Anyway in my remorseful moments I've been making some efforts... First I found out that there is a really good treatment center about two hours from here, that happens to be on my PPO provider's network! Yay! I called them and they have a waiting list that goes into next year. Awww.

My next idea was a day treatment plan - I did that once five years ago for about a month (before I left like a fucktard, thinking I was cured). There is one offered at a hospital about 30 min away. I called and asked if they offered support for eating disorders and they said yes. Yay! Wow, I was so excited. I went there and met with their intake person. She said that, contrary to what I was told on the phone, they don't really specialize with eating disorders but are mostly for people who are suffering from depression and/or substance abuse, and the average stay is about a week. Not only that, no food is provided. And not only THAT, but my insurance only pays for 60% of it and it's almost $300 a day!!!! Without meals and only going to 3:30...

So today I called and left a message for a psychologist in my town who specializes in ED. She used to work at the university health center before she went into private practice... (ca-ching) I had called her before like two years ago and found out she didn't take insurance and she did not operate on a sliding scale (ca-ching, ca-ching!) But now I think I will have to come up with the money somehow, because I am running out of options. I am killing myself with food - I am up to 215 people!!!!!!!!!! Help me.

God why can't I cure myself??? It would be so cheap!!!!!!