I'm happy

So I went to class even though I didn't want to, can you believe it? :-) It wasn't as hard as the last step class, but I'm still pretty beat right now... We had to do a lot of lunges, in fact we had to walk around the room in a circle, with every step a lunge. Ouch I am going to feel that tomorrow. The hardest part of the step classes for me is when I have to completely hop up and over or hop across the length of the step.

I am really enjoying working out with my good attitude, and not weighing myself at all. I am not even tempted. I like feeling like an athlete. I think I am going to try the eliptical tomorrow and test my endurance.

I had oatmeal for dinner tonight. I need to get back on track and get some healthy salad for dinner.

I don't want to go to step class tonight but I will make myself go anyway

so no time to type now. :-)

short entry...

I am so stiff and tired today. I could barely move. I didn't exercise but I ate well. I am exhausted... time for bed. zzzzzzzzzzz

search?hl=en&q=bulimia+is+good

so I occasionally check out my sitemeter to look at the referring pages, to see how people are finding my blog. Tonight I discovered someone googled "bulimia is good." I googled it and one of my entries called "The Bulimia Blog: Good day I think" came up near the top. Isn't that odd that someone would be looking for "bulimia is good"? What was this person looking for, perhaps some new research that reveals bulimia grows new brain cells, makes hair shiny and cures bird flu? Were they disappointed to discover my good day was thus because I avoided bulimic behavior? Hmph. Well if you haven't figured it out by now, bulimia is bad. Maybe I will change the name of this blog to Bulimia Sucks Ass to avoid confusion.

Today I drove two hours to see a friend of mine and hung out with her all day... I didn't exercise of course and I ate a lot of junk food. But, it's just one day and tomorrow I will exercise again. I'm really sore by the way. I can hardly lift my arms. Score!

I'm very tired now. Fortunately the drive home went fast. I thought a lot about C3 and how much he sucks. I think I deserve someone who is dying to kiss me, don't you?

I added two more recovery blogs: Emily and Esperanza. They have been leaving me some sweet notes of encouragement. Please visit their sites and send some love their way.

TGIF

Today was a good day. I worked out and ate well. I also took the stairs twice today... first five flights with my heavy backpack and then three flights later. I can't believe how hard stairs are to climb. I think that is the ultimate litmus test to check what kind of shape you're in.

I did a ball class at the gym this afternoon. It was strength and conditioning with a big rubber ball and medicine ball and some weights too. It was not too much cardio so it wasn't too hard for me, even though I am such a klutz. I thought I looked just slightly thinner than yesterday in the big mirror, but it could be just what I was wearing.

By the way I am tempted to weigh myself but I don't think I will for awhile. For some reason I don't really care what I weigh because I can see how I look in the mirror.

Anyway then I did 25 min on the bike... Not too intense at all because I am SOOOOO sore. It hurts to walk, but yet that feels great.

I did kind of feel like crap tonight because I had this freakout that my crushy crush crush (C3 for short) was possibly on a date tonight. I don't have any real knowledge that he was, but still the idea of it really hurts. I can't believe I am so insecure to let that upset me. It's so stupid because it is just a crush but I think I really count on the happy feeling it gives me to fill up that part of my life. One very small note though is that in the midst of this panic about what he was up to, my thoughts were of course 1) "lose weight lose weight lose weight" but then I thought "hey dumbass why don't you just tell him how you feel so you can forget him if he doesn't like you." I have never considered such a thing before because, even though he is a good friend and I know I would not lose his friendship by telling him that, the idea of rejection is just SO terrifying. I think everybody has had traumatic events in their life and looking back, the times involving rejection and loneliness were the most traumatic for me. So that is very unusual for me to have that pop in my head and I think it is a sign of... gasp... maturity.

Tomorrow I will see a great friend I have not seen in a few months. It is sad that I am thinking about how I am fatter than I was the last time she saw me. But so what... I am thinking about the future now. It sounds strange to say I'm still growing up at my age, but I guess we never stop growing up.

stepping up

I went to step class again tonight and I nearly dropped dead. This was a different class with a different instructor. The one on Tuesday had more work with other equipment (medicine ball, weights, weight bar, etc) whereas this one was just nonstop cardio. I also put the step bench on one row of steps to make it a bit harder, and it was so intense. The class was so fast and I was lost half the time. If it was too complicated I would just stop and do the basic step up and down.

This time I wore my glasses and I could see myself in the mirror. I was blind and now I see: I look terrible. I felt like a whale in that class, though of course I don't care what the other people think about me. It is so odd because I know I've gained weight since the fall, but I always look the same to myself regardless. Only in pictures can I see how I look realistically, and I don't take pictures that often. But in the big mirror I could see myself I think because I had so many other people to compare myself to. It felt like a punch in the face because I looked so bad, but I don't want to feel bad so I can just move forward.

Anyway the class was so hard and frustrating but it's ok because it was my first one. 30 min in I almost quit but I stuck with it. Fortunately it was only 45 min of step and then we did stretching and abs... I was still kind of pumped up so I rode the bike for 35 min at a moderate pace.

I was sooo hungry and during the class my mind was wandering to Chinese food buffet, can you believe it? I went straight to Subway and got something decent yet quick for dinner.

I hope for another good day tomorrow. I love the feeling of working out. It was really what I was missing.

PS I added another blog to my list of links: Mata Hari Mom. She has had her ED for 20 years! Please support her recovery effort too.

sore = good!

today I'm really sore, but it feels great! I did 40 min on the stationary bike, alternating 5 min easy/5 min hard.

This morning after school ended at 9:30 I really wanted to go home and go back to sleep, but I didn't. I survived. I did drink a ton of Diet Mountain Dew today though...

I'm so tired...... zzzzzzzz. I will sleep well tonight.

I will try to do a good workout tomorrow. Maybe I can fit a class at the gym in too.

I ate OK pretty well today too. I pigged out on crackers mid morning so I skipped lunch and had soup around 5 pm. Then I had steamed vegetables for dinner...

did I mention I'm tired? good night...

I did it!

I exercised!!! And real exercise too - I did a one-hour step class at the gym. Wow it felt great. The instructor kept us moving the whole time. It's been years since I did step. I didn't do some of the more advanced moves that required hopping because I'm so uncoordinated.

Still I love how I feel now... just awesome. I hope I can do a one-hour class a few times a week. There is a ball class at 6 am tomorrow but I don't know if I'll be dead in the morning. I'm already sore in my left leg because yesterday I slipped on the ice outside like a dork.

I want to say thank you to the kind soul who left a message in my blog yesterday. I was having a terrible day and my eating was out of control. I was planning on bingeing for dinner because my day was already "ruined" by a big lunch. Then I read the message that said "You've got the right attitude, and that's the hardest part. You're going to succeed." It was like a slap to the face. It really made me feel good. Well, I felt terrible at first because my attitude at that time was the wrong one. But then I suddenly felt good because I realized I do have the power to succeed if I want to. So I went out and signed up for the gym again.

well I will post again soon. thanks for being there anonymous and non-anonymous blog visitors.

under pressure

I'm sorry I haven't felt like writing in the past few days. I haven't been doing well at all with eating. I keep eating things I don't want to eat, and not exercising when I truly feel like doing it. I did a bit of thinking today about why I am so stuck (besides the obvious that trying to recover from this shit is hard as hell anyway).

I realized some of the problem in moving forward is that I've put myself under a lot of pressure to lose weight for these fancy events in April (brother's wedding, etc). So each day is not just a new day, it's one day closer to the big event where I must look good. I have to find two different flattering dresses. I wanted to lose like 25 lbs. and I still feel like I can if I work out like, 2 hours a day and eat 1,000 calories a day. But each day that I don't do that is a big colossal failure and then the guilt sets in and panic begins to rise... This is not a healthy approach to start in on recovery.

Well I can't get rid of this pressure entirely because the events are happening no matter what, and the dress shopping will eventually have to commence as well. So the only thing I can do is try to deal with it in a healthy way and not in an ED way. I accept that it's not realistic for me to try to lose 25 lbs in 8 weeks, as much as it breaks my heart to give up this dream which finds fulfillment around the corner. It is realistic for me to try to do some sort of exercise five days a week, but isn't that realistic for the rest of my life?

I don't know, I just wrote that I accept it's not realistic, but that's not really true. When I wrote exercise five days a week my mind started in on its calculations of how much weight I can lose... I just want to be thin! ok ok deep breath, calm down... I need to start working out but NOT for this or any event. No April deadline looming. Just so I can move towards feeling good about myself.

ok I feel better already.

Happy Excessive Calorie Intake Day

I can't stop eating. Today I ate sugar cookies, chocolates, and cupcakes with red frosting that stained my teeth a lovely fluorescent pink. Oh and I had a hamburger and fries for lunch.

I don't know why I'm rebelling against myself. I feel like crap. I think my teeth are going to jump out of my skull while I sleep tonight out of shock from the ridiculous amount of sugar I've consumed today. And for what?

However my crushy crush crush did give me chocolates and an e-card. I gave him candy too and he looked so happy when he saw it and he hugged me. I need a boyfriend but I know I can't find one until I lose weight. Am I being fatalistic or is that a big fat slice of reality pie?

By the way, today I had a burning desire to go to the gym and I DID NOT GO. Instead I ate more. What is wrong with me exactly... is it something besides an eating disorder? Do I have chronic laziness syndrome? Acute compulsive slothiness?

someone please tell me how to fix myself...

forward, and collectively defeat this bourgeois disorder!

trying yet again after a terrible weekend. I binged and purged like five times. Oh I want to write how I couldn't help it... but that's not so. It's just so easy to do, and change is so hard. I keep forgetting all the great things I've realized since I've started this journal because they haven't stuck yet. I need to remind myself of them every day. Maybe I will reread this whole thing every single morning as a refresher course.

On a good note, even though my sleeping has sucked, I have been waking up bright and early to go to class MWF. This is simply unheard of. I'm telling you, I would go once a week if they did not take attendance. I got a good grade on my paper too. I threw in some leftist opinions because I've suspected my professor of being a communist for some time - I got a 96! Today he actually said all workers are oppressed under capitalism.

well that is it for today, I will post more tomorrow.

terrible day, yet again

today was a terrible day. I couldn't stop eating. I got a refill on my Prozac so that should help. I keep forgetting that I really have to take it or else I start craving food like crazy...

I need to exercise. I am so fat. I want to walk across the country.

I feel terrible

today was a good day somewhat, I controlled myself around lots of tempting food but only because I saw myself in the mirror and I look terrible. Just terrible! I know I shouldn't say it but I need to lose weight so much. I'm so tired of looking this way but I don't seem to have the strength to get out there and exercise...

I think I'm sliding into my PMS downward spiral... I want chocolate.

good day I think

I ate well today, but I'm still struggling with my sleeping. Forcing myself to get up for that 8:30 class has been teaching me some good discipline.

Still no exercise. I don't know why I can't start.

more later...

zzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry but I'm not in the mood to write much. I had a long day today and yesterday... Today I ate tons of M&Ms but otherwise not too bad. Yesterday I ate a bunch of cinnamon sticks from a pizza place... I don't know what you call them but I swear they were the best thing I ever ate. I freaked out and threw some up because I was so afraid of how many calories were in it.

I want my pecon dust covered ice cream sundae...

nothing else to report.

I want to exercise but I can't get motivated. I don't know why.

doing OK

what is this, day 6? Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was quite lazy. Last night I had same the desire to binge on the ice cream smothered in pecan dust, but it was much weaker. I can't figure out where the binge idea comes from: my stomach or my mind. I think it comes from my mind.

I got a comment saying it seems like I am doing really well, and I think that is true. This is hoky but I think I am doing better because I'm starting to feel the love I have around me from my friends. I'm really great at loving other people but not so great at grasping that people love me in return. I have some people who know my problems and they like me for me. And I finally, finally, finally understand that my crush loves me, even if he just loves me as a friend. He really does love me that way for sure and it's real love that is not in my head.

By the way I almost had crack balls this morning but I didn't.

Day 4: a good day

Today was a GOOD day! I really was pumped after posting last night. I made myself stay up and I did not go to sleep all day. I got a lot of things done and spent time at an event I really enjoyed. I felt very happy. Unfortunately, I did have Chinese food for lunch but it was not really a binge... I had it at the food court, so it was not even the good kind of Chinese food. However I ate too much and I wanted to purge, especially because there was a Cold Stone Creamery right there too and it looked really good... but I did not. I lived with the discomfort in my stomach.

I am still so full, I did not have any dinner, just a yogurt at 10 pm. If you haven't tried Yoplait Whips! Key Lime Pie, drop what you are doing and go get some. It's so damn good and I'm outraged that there is no decent image out there on the web for me to spruce up this entry. Why has nobody created a web site devoted to Yoplait Whips! Key Lime Pie, with a full photo gallery I could browse for that perfect pic to post here? Oh cruel world...

By the way when I was at the mall I tried on some formal dresses. I have two events in April I need two dresses for. There was hardly any selection at all, but I did fit into one size 16. I could almost fit into a 12 in another style but my boobs are so big that it wouldn't zip all the way up... damn you boobzillas!

well more later. I really did have a good day and I'm going to sleep before 12 tonight.

well well well... day 3

Today was not such a good day. I slept until 7 pm. So much for going to class and having a productive day.

However... the day was not a total waste. I wanted to binge very badly tonight and am feeling very angry with myself that I did not, can you believe it? It's not exactly anger... I guess I feel like bingeing would be such a great idea and such an enjoyable thing to do and why am I cruelly denying myself the pleasure of not doing it? I know that sounds silly, but I can't explain it. You see, someone gave me a big bag of pecan dust that I discovered is UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLY amazing on ice cream. I really wanted to go to the store tonight and get some chocolately ice cream and melt it a little bit and cover it with the pecans, some hot fudge and whipped cream. Sorry I'm writing about the delicious details but don't you see my dilemma, what I'm facing here? The temptation is killing me. I want it! Yummy yummy! But... I did not go and get it. The reason I did not is that I know this has to stop. I want to go to get some and eat it all... but I can't. I feel like willpower is a muscle and I just exercised mine.

I was also angry tonight because of my psycho roommate, who truly is a psycho idiot. I took that anger and I said to myself, "you know what, he is a loser for life. You, on the other hand, are only acting like a loser. You need to show him and everybody that you are not, and what you are really made of."

I hope I can get up early tomorrow. I want to move forward and get things done this weekend. I am no longer sick so I don't have any excuses.

This was a very hard post to make by the way. I have missed two classes so far and we are only allowed three absences. If I oversleep once now, I will fail the course. I don't have any choice but to change my ways.

it is 4 am and I can't sleep

I cannot sleep for three reasons:

1. I woke up late
2. I drank a Diet Coke at 9 pm
3. I think I am addicted to Exedrin PM after two days

I am so annoyed at myself. I wanted to go to step class at 6 am before my class. That is not happening. Well I can't correct it, I can only choose to NOT sleep in and NOT go back to sleep after class. I really want to fix this fucked up schedule of mine! I want to be a normal person and not nocturnal!

OMG I just yawned... hooray! I have to get up in 3 hours :-(

day two: very hard

Today was very hard. I didn't wake up until 11 am but I did not sleep well. My psycho Russian roommates were arguing until 2 am, at which point one of them shattered a glass table top! At least they shut up then (after making even more noise by vacuuming it up).

Anyway I ate a piece of chocolate cake today AND I had crack balls! That is not so good, but the good thing is I did not binge and purge like I totally wanted to for dinner. I was grocery shopping and hungry for dinner and I suddenly wanted Chinese sooo badly. I decided I was going to go to the Chinese buffet after but instead I pulled over and went to Subway. I bought good food at the store but I needed something right then. I guess I should look at it as a good thing. Also I did ride the bike for 25 minutes...

I am going to sleep now. It is past my bedtime. I will post more tomorrow. Goodnight.

day one part deux

I EXERCISED!

I walked to work and back today and rode the stationary bike (slowly) for 30 min. Hooray! It's a start.

Tonight when I came home I was soooo hungry. I almost went and binged tonight but I didn't. I wanted Chinese food soooo badly... but I went to Subway instead. I really was this close, and the only thing that stopped me was that I knew I would have to come on here and write that I messed up DAY ONE!

Michelle Hope mentioned me in her blog and I had a whole bunch of new visitors today from her site. My popularity is on the rise!

today is day 1

So today is the first day of my attempt at a 21-day streak of keeping to a good schedule. (They say 21 days is how long it takes to create a habit.) On Sunday night I didn't sleep at all, and even though I was totally exhausted, I did not fall asleep Monday night until 4 am! And I had to get up at 9! So last night I fell asleep at 6 pm and slept until midnight, and then slept again from 1 am to 8 am.

I feel really good. I hope to make it 21 days. This afternoon I will walk to work and back (1 mile each way) and then tomorrow I really hope to make it to the gym! I need to start working out so I can FEEL GOOD.

I need to try to speed up my metabolism, and getting on a consistent sleep schedule will help a lot.

So will I make it to Feb. 21? stay tuned!

I have to get back to writing my memoirs. I haven't written any after that first day. I'm going to call it "A Million Reeses' Pieces."