A glimpse of the other side

I got my LAP-BAND almost three weeks ago.

I've lost 20 lbs in one month, which includes the pre-op diet for two weeks.

The pre-op diet was hell. I was starving and could eat only 750 calories a day. It was torturous BUT I DID IT.

The first week after being banded I was hardly hungry. A little broth and I was full. It was AMAZING! For the first time in my life, or as long as I can remember, I DID NOT THINK OR CARE OR OBSESS OR FEEL ABOUT FOOD. It was just, oh, I have to eat something. My mind was so clear.

For me, hunger is the enemy. It's always been the enemy with me.

The hunger has come back a little bit, but not so much where I am even thinking about bingeing. It is a different kind of hunger.

After about six weeks I can get the band filled, or tightened. Right now it is just on, but it's not really restricting my eating all that much. When they get it tightened just right, then I should hopefully feel like I did that first week.

I know that within a year I should be at my ideal weight. It is very exciting to know that, but also it's a bit scary. The most exciting part is knowing I can be happy with how I look on the outside. Maybe not perfect, but good enough that I feel it's worthwhile to do my hair, or makeup, or put on nice clothes. I've put on makeup twice in the past six months, and one of the times was to get my pre-operation photos taken!

I look at Fantasy Man Him and I am reminded again how much time I've wasted in my life. I have not been living but merely suffering as I fail to meet his expectations of perfection. I look at him and think, this man is not right for me at all. The more I come to know myself, the more I understand that. And I also remind myself that trying to live up to this WRONG PERSON has contributed enormously to my unhappiness and low self-worth. I'm not even going to write that maybe I have pegged him wrong and he will be right for me one day, as tempting as it is to still dream of that. Fucker.

I'm sure there are some people who think getting the Lap-Band was wrong, but I don't care. I know it was right for me. I am not some underweight anorexic but severely overweight - I need to lose at least 100 lbs. I needed this physical intervention as I gained more and more weight. It's not going to be easy, but I know that it will make it easier than it would have been.

love from me

Sometimes it feels good to cry

Why am I unhappy?

I don't just mean now, with my stress and pre-op diet and all. I mean for years and years I have never truly been happy. Why? Because I'm starving for love.

Three times in my life I have uprooted myself to be with guys who are nothing more than flirtatious friends, derailing my life to spend years on each. At the slightest glimmer of love I respond like a starving person to cracker crumbs, inhaling them and desperately hoping for more. I get by on crumbs of love. Do you know what it has done to me inside each time I am ignored by these men. I have escaped the pain by living in an imaginary universe where it is me and him... All I want is for him to love me. Of course in my fantasy I have that perfect body and have never been fat, or depressed, or a slob, or a failure. This fantasy is all intertwined into a giant magic marshmallow that hugs me on the inside.

Contributing to my recent stress is the mounting realization that Current Him will never truly love me. Many times I have tried to tell myself it's not going to happen, but just as quickly as I do, I snap that thought away from my mind as though it were my hand touching a boiling hot stove. Or I'll tell myself I'm over him and decide to cheerfully go about my day without the schmuck. That lasts about 45 minutes before the love fantasy comes back in, numbing my hurt like emotional painkillers. The more I hurt, the stronger I dream. Combine that with the embarrassment and shame I feel for having this secret sick crush from afar, as I look with horror at the date and realize just how many years it has consumed me.

This is a big giant wad of poo.

Stretched Thin...

I started my two-week pre-op diet Saturday. I am supposed to lose 5 percent of my body weight by eating about 800-900 calories a day. The first two days were OK but today I was so, so, hungry. I didn't cheat but I just felt so panicked by the hunger. For the past year I have eaten exactly what I wanted and I haven't been hungry at all. But now by Nov. 21 I have to be down 13 lbs or they won't do the surgery.

Right now I am under massive stress from five sources: my first job, my second job, my classes, my back pain and now this diet. I did something I never do: cry. I came home in the middle of the day and cried for about an hour about what a mess my life is and why I am in this situation. And then I slept for an hour after and felt much better.

Right now I have to work harder than I ever had in my life. That scares me. I'm scared of hard work. I don't hate hard work, I am just scared. I get behind in things and then dig myself into a hole and then I just get so overwhelmed I lose all ability to function.

is there a name for that?

A giant weight off my chest (and ass)

Guess who is getting Lap Band surgery in three weeks... :-) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I can't effing believe it. I'm so excited. I've been working on this seriously for the past month or so, and ever since it set in that it's finally GOING TO HAPPEN, my eating habits have completely changed. Once I stopped worrying about the fact that I really need to lose weight, I stopped worrying about food. And I totally stopped bingeing.

All my anxiety about food has disappeared. I have been eating whatever I want, which hasn't been the most healthy, but it's not stuffing my face either.

I need to lose a lot of weight but I know the Lap Band is going to be there to help me feel full after a few bites. For the first time in my life that means no more diet frustration and failure.... No more panic at the feeling of hunger.

everyone I've told has been really supportive... hope you guys are too. I know this is going to work, which is not only exciting but very scary at the same time. Where will I be able to be without my food problems?

do you have to hit rock bottom before you get better?

It seems like I every time I hit "rock bottom," I bounce. I vow to get better and I have a surge of improvement, only to eventually fall back on my crappy habits.

I am actually doing better for real. You know, I have been making my bed every day. It seems like such a small thing but it is a major step for a slob like me.

I need to go back on the Ambien ASAP. I stopped taking it for a few weeks when I jarred my back and got a refill on the hydrocodone. They recommended not mixing those so I had to choose and went with the pain-free insomnia.

I am still working toward the Lap Band.... I'm praying I can do it this fall. I am so big but looking forward to the Lap Band keeps me from being depressed.

lots o' love

I'm doing amazing

The past few weeks have been so incredibly hard. I committed myself to changing my life and working my ass off. I'm working two jobs and taking four classes. So I CANNOT stay up late because I cannot sleep late anymore if I can make it through.

I wasn't able to sleep though, no matter how much I tried. I was dragging myself around and could barely keep my eyes open in class. I took some notes in class that I will post on here about how awful I was feeling. Then I started getting restless leg syndrome really badly and it was driving me insane at night, making the insomnia worse, and it even started spreading to my upper arms during the day. It was the grossest feeling. I went to the doctor about it and he prescribed some Ambien and VOILA!!!!!!!!! AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

I have been able to sleep when I want to and I wake up refreshed! So much so that I don't even need to drink tons of caffeine anymore. I feel like a normal person.

I will post more later... love to all

kicking my own ass

I'm doing well, how about that?

I'm very very tired of struggling through things. Like I wrote before, the easy outs are no longer working for me in any way. It is time I put my intelligence to good use to solve the problems I have created. Before, my intelligence was working against me, finding the paths through the easy outs.

I'm smart
I'm awesome
I'm beautiful on this inside
underneath all this crap I've done to myself, I'm beautiful on the outside too

I hope you are all well and using your intelligence to help you, not hurt you...

Moving forward

My birthday is in a few days. 32 years old. Wow. I'm so old.

There is one good thing about getting older. I'm getting more mature. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I feel like doing the things I didn't do before.

I'm finally taking care of my bills and my credit and doing an actual budget. This is a huge step for me because it was one of the most irresponsible and immature parts of my life - always living like only today mattered.

I finally feel like I want to be a grownup. For so long I used to always wish I could be a kid again, I wished I could go back in time and "start over." But my life is really not so bad. In fact I have a lot to be grateful for.

I feel, more than I have in the past, that I am ready to move on from an eating disorder. It doesn't fit me anymore. The problem is that it is very ingrained in who I am in my habits. The last time I didn't have any kind of eating problem, I was abiout 7 years old.

I really feel calmer and less anxious about who I am. Happy Bithrday to me.

what is the deal

I'm growing up. I've made a few smart decisions this week and suddenly I feel much older and wiser.

it's soooo late, I can barely keep my eyes open or think straight, but I just feel so positive and wanted to post. My life is pretty good if I let it be.

I am realizing that the things I do because they are easy - procrastinate, be a slob, avoid studying or paying bills, not to mention binge and purge - are no longer "working" for me. I say "working" because they are self-destructive habits that I subconsciously employ for some purpose. Well they are no longer serving their purpose. Fuckers.

time to catch some zzzzs. I don't know why but I feel lucky, despite my problems. I am really pretty cool.

juiced

I think I'm going to do a juice fast... I feel like crap after eating so much crap. I guess I will do my standard apple juice fast for three days. I just feel nasty right now. I need to stop drinking all sugar and soda again. It's just poison. I only drink diet soda but I think it is even more poisonous. Aspartame is evil.

I'm kind of nervous because I hurt my back a little somehow. Maybe I just slept on it wrong. It feels like muscle pain...

I'm really serious about the Lap-Band. I'm trying to get everything arranged so I can apply for a loan. I still have about $1,500 in bills to pay off from my back surgery. Did I mention how much I hate insurance?

love to everybody

amazing what one little pill can do...

well four of them anyway.

After this terrible weekend of out of control eating, I took Prozac again for the first time in a week or so, full dose. Within 24 hours everything was "normal" - I had no desire to binge or stuff myself with food. Out of habit I ate much but it didn't quite work in that it wasn't that exciting. There was no binge high, and it was like what is the point of ever doing this?

I say everything was "normal" in quotes because it was so dramatically different than the previous few days... All I wanted to doing was binge on food and play with myself! Hah! But almost overnight I had no interest. I only had kind of an anxious feeling because I felt like I didn't have anything to do.

I've probably explained this all before but Prozac doesn't last long term for me. It stops working for me after awhile... the term the doctor told me is Prozac Poopout. It will just stop working - that is why I'm at the maximum dose because now the minimum amount has no effect whatsoever. After it stops working, to get the full effect again I have to stop taking it for awhile, let it leave my system and then start again. And it works. Dramatically. It's basically a cure, I don't know how else I could explain how drastically it changed my desires and behaviors. Obviously the food obsession and horniness are serotonin related and the Prozac stops both. This has to prove it is a medical problem with my brain, if a pill changes it.

What am I supposed to do?

can't stop eating, what else is new

I can't stop eating... I'm constantly hungry.

I think I will soon be 300 lbs. Someone shoot me (or harpoon me).

Of course I haven't been taking the Prozac to control the hunger. I hate this disease or disorder or whatever you want to call it.

this shit blows

Oh wait, there is something new under the sun. Well not really... I drank tonight and last night! I usually never drink. I don't really like it. Doesn't do much for me. But last night and tonight I purposely drank more to get drunk. I was just thinking how socially acceptable it is to be an alcoholic. Well not acceptable but how common versus people with eating disorders. Aren't they kind of the same?

Stuck halfway up the mountain

Why do I think the Lap-Band will take all my problems away? I guess I am tired of being hungry all the time.

I really am hungry all the time. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my stomach hurts so much from the hunger. That can't be normal. It's like the fatter I get, the more my body needs to eat to feed each fat cell. Fuck you fat cells.

My foot is better in the boot. It doesn't hurt at all no matter how much I walk. Without it I can't walk without limping. It's a stress fracture by the way and not a clean break like the urgent care doctor said. I guess I will start riding the bike again.

I am a bit tipsy. I had two alcoholic drinks tonight with friends. Drinking makes me sad. What is that they say, it is heartbreaking to love so someone you can't be with who is far from you, but even more heartbreaking to love someone right next to you that you can't be with? Well if they don't say that, they should say something like that because it's true.

nite nite

One step forward, two steps back

I've been doing well lately with eating, thanks to the Prozac. However I haven't been exercising over the past few weeks because my left foot has really been hurting... well guess what - it's fractured!!!!

I didn't do anything to it either except walk on it a lot. Actually my right foot starting hurting a lot, and so I was limping a lot onto my left foot, and then my left foot really starting hurting. It swelled up so I got it x-rayed and it's a clean fracture. So now I am limping again on my right foot and it's really hurting again too! Can you imagine if I have two broken feet?

And it's all because I'm so overweight. I'm sure of it. What else would cause it? It makes me so furious. I'm stuck at this weight. How am I supposed to exercise now?

I am almost crying writing this and I almost never cry, especially on the Prozac. This situation is just becoming hopeless. I need weight loss surgery and I know it would be successful, but my insurance refuses to pay for it and I don't have money either.

I don't know what to do.

This just in: Change is hard

Well I am improving but it's not quite as easy as I imagine it will be. After exercising the first few days last week I didn't do anything! I ate OK I suppose but I've had a few slipups. I know it's time to change and I've got to rearrange and move my heart to what I'm gonna be (sha na na na na na na, sha na na na na na!) but it's SO damn hard.

My sleep is still beyond fucked up. That is really hurting my weight loss, I know. If you don't sleep enough or consistently your body can't metabolize worth shit. One person I know takes Lunesta and loves it. Yesterday (Monday) I slept till 5 p.m. 5! I was awake until about 4 a.m. I think... so I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm drinking a bunch of Diet Mountain Dew right now to try to make it through the day and then go to bed at a normal hour.

I'm really stressed about my weight. Nothing fits. I don't hate myself though. It's just shocking me when I see pictures. I don't know why, when I look in the mirror, I look half the size I really am. Only in photos can I see the real me and it's just AWFUL.

signed,
sad me

Yay for me

I exercised again on Tuesday - I walked and rode the bike. I also did 10 minutes on the elliptical, but my back didn't feel too good afterward and I think it could be from that. My back has been pain-free now for months so any kind of feeling there freaks me out a bit.

I will continue with walking. I also need to get some new shoes. Did I mention my shin splints? Oy vey.

I've been eating OK. The Prozac immediately kills my cravings when I go on it. Unfortunately it doesn't last.

I think I'm going to expand this site this summer. Make it more of a portal. What do you think?

exercised again!

Already I feel better and more upbeat emotionally. My feet are killing me with blisters... ouch.... and I have shin splints just from walking! I used to get them when I ran but now it's just from walking because I'm so out of shape. I have to stop every once in awhile because the pain is so bad.

Oh well despite that it's still enjoyable. I have a pretty good attitude about it because it's so nice to be able to exercise at all. My back is not hurting at all, knock on wood.

eating is already better too though I'm back on the Prozac and that is like 70 percent of eating well for me.

it begins AGAIN

Well here I go again: I'm starting today to eat healthy and exercise. This is probably my 10,000 attempt at this but what else can I do? I am massive, and I don't mean that in a delusional eating disorder view. I'm around 250 lbs. I've never been this big and it's scary. Not only is it scary how instantly I got this big when I stopped working out, but it's scary to be this size. Sometime just standing up and walking across the room leaves me winded. Ugh!!! That's what I'm talking about: scary.

So today I started walking. Actually on Saturday night I walked to the movies, which is 1.3 miles there and back. Today I walked to work, which is about 1 mile away. I'm already getting blisters. My back doesn't hurt at all, but my knees and feet do.

I feel like working out a LOT but it is frustrating how out of shape I am. Today I will also ride the bike.

I don't know how to feel. My size is very depressing. I saw a picture of myself and it was frightening how massive I am. I almost cried. But at the same time I'm hopeful because I have all summer to enjoy getting back into shape. I haven't been working out because I've had a second job (which involved sitting at the computer snacking) but now that's over for the summer and I have more time.

I also started taking Prozac again which I hope will help me stop bingeing.

I still want to get the Lap-Band by the way. But I think I need to lose 25-50 lbs on my own first, or else I will have really saggy skin. I really have a fat stomach and I never really had that before. It's awful.

you can only do your best

I haven't been doing my best... Why is it I keep forgetting that binging is a waste of time and harmful to my goal of losing weight? I keep excusing this behavior and saying I'll stop tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

just once I would like to do my best...

love to your all

tired and tired of it

I'm stuck

I can't stop eating

I'm getting fatter and fatter...

I think I have diabetes too. I've never been so fat, I've never been so unhealthy, I've never felt so sick.

Yet I still can't stop.

I was going to write I don't know how to stop but I guess that's not true. I've stopped before. You just have to do it. I just can't I guess. I guess the only thing to do is try again... try or die.

I exercised!!!!

Well I finally have some news to post. I haven't posted because I haven't really had any updates. Sorry for sucking.

The news is that I exercised! Really for the first time since my surgery... three months ago!!! Hah! Well I've tried walking and riding the bike before and it really hurt my back. The last time I tried riding the bike was about three weeks ago I think... I could only ride for about five minutes because it started really hurting. But today I rode the bike for one straight hour and it didn't hurt at all!!! Then I came home and cleaned a bunch, including shampooing the carpet. It hurt slightly but not much after that.

I don't know what to say. I feel like it's already been said.

I am massively fat... I've never been so fat. I'm still trying to get the Lap Band but in the meantime I've got to start moving. I feel like I'll never be able to lose this much weight. I know that is stupid, but it's just hard to start.

I love you all... hope you are doing fantastic.

What do you think it's like...

to have a life that does not revolve around your weight and food? What do those people think about?

I didn't post my bulimic hell yet. I will soon. It was truly terrible.

I have never been so fat in my life. I am just not me. I never look in the mirror... it's just awful. I want Lap-Band so badly. Does anyone have piles of money where you can help me get it? I can't believe my insurance "excludes" it... how convenient.

I am sorry for all of you out there who struggle and hurt. I wish I could erase this ridiculous demon from existence.

Bulimia hell

What do those two words mean to you? What is your definition of bulimia hell? Tell me and then I will post the situation that defines it for me.

To a girl who wrote me...

This is what I replied to a 17-year-old Australian girl who wrote me asking for help:

Please seek help as soon as you can... get away from bulimia. It will take over your life and get worse and worse. It is called an eating "disorder" for a reason. Your body will become more and more screwed up over time - your eating and sleeping habits will become completely bizarre, and it will be hard to break this.

Please talk to your doctor or nurse or psychiatrist.... I recommend going on Prozac - it helps a LOT with the desire to binge.

-----------------

I wonder if I should start an advice column? Maybe I should write myself anonymously and maybe I'll actually take my own advice?????