hello children!

So I was thinking today about how I always beat myself up for not having the strength and willpower to stop eating, to get better and to basically do the things I want to do. Maybe it's not that I can't find the strength inside myself. Maybe what I really need is the courage to move forward. So it's not that I can't do it, but that I am just stalling, too afraid. Have I thought this all before? Sometimes I think I am plagiarizing from myself.

Anyway it reminds me of one of my very favorites South Park episodes... titled, "You Got Fucked in the Ass!" when Chef informs the dance crew that they suck.

You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. Wait a minute... you have the soul, but you don't have the heart. Hold on a second... you have both the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent.

I'm still looking for more answers as to HOW (see my last post) if anyone has any.

so what's next

I just don't know what to do next. I've searched inside myself, I know who I am and who I want to be, blah blah, and I'm ready to change my life. But I don't know HOW. Maybe it's not so complicated? Is there a list of instructions on what to do next, or is it just "Next Step: Change and live happily ever after."

If anyone has any pointers about where to go from here, I'd like to hear them. I'm so dreadfully stuck, like Winnie the Pooh in the door to Rabbit's house.

the darkness

I've been having a really hard time holding on lately, but my mind never stops. I'm always forced to examine and reexamine myself. It's a hard time because what I want for myself is not necessarily what others want or expect of me. In fact I've been realizing lately that nobody even knows me or what I'm really like. I pour my heart out onto these pages for Internet strangers to read. My real-life "friends" either don't have time for me or more likely, don't care to know the real me, this me. People want to hear how everything is great. Have you noticed that people will come up to you and say, "So how's your dying grandma/cousin/gardener/gardener's grandma's cousin/etc doing?" but they won't ask, "So how are you doing with your eating disorder?" People like to hear that everything is fine. Well fuck those people.

I've been thinking about who I am and how 2006 Me is not the same person as 2002 Me, which was the last time I made a big change in my life. That girl thought her future was set. But 2006 Me needs more from her future. I have goals that I now don't just WANT to accomplish, but that I NEED to accomplish. I was meant to accomplish them. Those new dreams are replacing old dreams. It is very hard and sad to say goodbye to dreams that (like that pair of size 8 Gap jeans I bought on sale) never fit me.

I love these lyrics - from Pacing the Cage by Jimmy Buffett

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend

more later...

I am not hungry

but I want to binge. I want to go to 7-11 and buy up as many of their donuts as possible, even though they probably have been sitting out for nearly a day now.

But I'm not going to... at least not this one time. I made myself ask, how much will be enough? and there isn't an answer. Even every donut left at every 7-11 in a 10 mile radius won't be enough - I'd still be hungry (emotionally).

I'm cooking a Healthy Choice dinner instead because I think I am actually a bit hungry. It's about 250 calories.

I am so lonely and bored. Did I mention this lately?

I'm so depressed

I'm going for a walk now.

I feel like I have a broken heart... for no real reason.

thanks for the feedback

I love getting messages from blog readers. You guys have the best perspective and understand so much more than the people I know in person... I really need to start an ED support group.

Why do I feel like such a loser because I can't "stop" eating? It is what goes through my head all day long: "how can I stop eating... why can't I stop eating... what if I could just stop eating... I need to stop eating." I ignore the voice and overeat to rebel, and the voice gets louder. Yet I don't listen to the voice... only let it berate me. I know it's stupid and impossible but I still do it.

Tonight I went for a walk. It wasn't very long, just about 25 minutes. It didn't lift me up but made me tired. I should try to go every night. I saw fireflies tonight :-)

time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping... into the future

It's another new month. Looking back I don't know if I'm even a teensiest bit better than when I started this blog. I'm different, older and wiser, but am I better?

I went to Borders tonight. There sure are a lot of books out there. It really got me thinking how I need to write my book. I have to get better first.

It's a few months until my birthday. 30. I am really feeling stressed about it and what that will mean. I think this is going to be a very hard summer.

PS I'm lonely

I didn't mean to sound like a brat

...or that I was saying looks were the only thing that matter to me. Of course that's not true at all!

I had a pretty good day today. I was not very hungry. I really thought to myself: what I will accomplish by bingeing, and more specifically, what will it take to make me satisfied? How much is enough? The answer is that it's never enough. There's always more food to be eaten. I can eat nonstop for the rest of my life and there will still be more food.

I cannot sleep. I am so stressed out... well, I will blog more later. Thank you for all the support. I am so happy people like to read my thoughts.