Why am I unhappy?
I don't just mean now, with my stress and pre-op diet and all. I mean for years and years I have never truly been happy. Why? Because I'm starving for love.
Three times in my life I have uprooted myself to be with guys who are nothing more than flirtatious friends, derailing my life to spend years on each. At the slightest glimmer of love I respond like a starving person to cracker crumbs, inhaling them and desperately hoping for more. I get by on crumbs of love. Do you know what it has done to me inside each time I am ignored by these men. I have escaped the pain by living in an imaginary universe where it is me and him... All I want is for him to love me. Of course in my fantasy I have that perfect body and have never been fat, or depressed, or a slob, or a failure. This fantasy is all intertwined into a giant magic marshmallow that hugs me on the inside.
Contributing to my recent stress is the mounting realization that Current Him will never truly love me. Many times I have tried to tell myself it's not going to happen, but just as quickly as I do, I snap that thought away from my mind as though it were my hand touching a boiling hot stove. Or I'll tell myself I'm over him and decide to cheerfully go about my day without the schmuck. That lasts about 45 minutes before the love fantasy comes back in, numbing my hurt like emotional painkillers. The more I hurt, the stronger I dream. Combine that with the embarrassment and shame I feel for having this secret sick crush from afar, as I look with horror at the date and realize just how many years it has consumed me.
This is a big giant wad of poo.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Stretched Thin...
I started my two-week pre-op diet Saturday. I am supposed to lose 5 percent of my body weight by eating about 800-900 calories a day. The first two days were OK but today I was so, so, hungry. I didn't cheat but I just felt so panicked by the hunger. For the past year I have eaten exactly what I wanted and I haven't been hungry at all. But now by Nov. 21 I have to be down 13 lbs or they won't do the surgery.
Right now I am under massive stress from five sources: my first job, my second job, my classes, my back pain and now this diet. I did something I never do: cry. I came home in the middle of the day and cried for about an hour about what a mess my life is and why I am in this situation. And then I slept for an hour after and felt much better.
Right now I have to work harder than I ever had in my life. That scares me. I'm scared of hard work. I don't hate hard work, I am just scared. I get behind in things and then dig myself into a hole and then I just get so overwhelmed I lose all ability to function.
is there a name for that?
Right now I am under massive stress from five sources: my first job, my second job, my classes, my back pain and now this diet. I did something I never do: cry. I came home in the middle of the day and cried for about an hour about what a mess my life is and why I am in this situation. And then I slept for an hour after and felt much better.
Right now I have to work harder than I ever had in my life. That scares me. I'm scared of hard work. I don't hate hard work, I am just scared. I get behind in things and then dig myself into a hole and then I just get so overwhelmed I lose all ability to function.
is there a name for that?
Sunday, November 02, 2008
A giant weight off my chest (and ass)
Guess who is getting Lap Band surgery in three weeks... :-) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
I can't effing believe it. I'm so excited. I've been working on this seriously for the past month or so, and ever since it set in that it's finally GOING TO HAPPEN, my eating habits have completely changed. Once I stopped worrying about the fact that I really need to lose weight, I stopped worrying about food. And I totally stopped bingeing.
All my anxiety about food has disappeared. I have been eating whatever I want, which hasn't been the most healthy, but it's not stuffing my face either.
I need to lose a lot of weight but I know the Lap Band is going to be there to help me feel full after a few bites. For the first time in my life that means no more diet frustration and failure.... No more panic at the feeling of hunger.
everyone I've told has been really supportive... hope you guys are too. I know this is going to work, which is not only exciting but very scary at the same time. Where will I be able to be without my food problems?
I can't effing believe it. I'm so excited. I've been working on this seriously for the past month or so, and ever since it set in that it's finally GOING TO HAPPEN, my eating habits have completely changed. Once I stopped worrying about the fact that I really need to lose weight, I stopped worrying about food. And I totally stopped bingeing.
All my anxiety about food has disappeared. I have been eating whatever I want, which hasn't been the most healthy, but it's not stuffing my face either.
I need to lose a lot of weight but I know the Lap Band is going to be there to help me feel full after a few bites. For the first time in my life that means no more diet frustration and failure.... No more panic at the feeling of hunger.
everyone I've told has been really supportive... hope you guys are too. I know this is going to work, which is not only exciting but very scary at the same time. Where will I be able to be without my food problems?
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