Why am I unhappy?
I don't just mean now, with my stress and pre-op diet and all. I mean for years and years I have never truly been happy. Why? Because I'm starving for love.
Three times in my life I have uprooted myself to be with guys who are nothing more than flirtatious friends, derailing my life to spend years on each. At the slightest glimmer of love I respond like a starving person to cracker crumbs, inhaling them and desperately hoping for more. I get by on crumbs of love. Do you know what it has done to me inside each time I am ignored by these men. I have escaped the pain by living in an imaginary universe where it is me and him... All I want is for him to love me. Of course in my fantasy I have that perfect body and have never been fat, or depressed, or a slob, or a failure. This fantasy is all intertwined into a giant magic marshmallow that hugs me on the inside.
Contributing to my recent stress is the mounting realization that Current Him will never truly love me. Many times I have tried to tell myself it's not going to happen, but just as quickly as I do, I snap that thought away from my mind as though it were my hand touching a boiling hot stove. Or I'll tell myself I'm over him and decide to cheerfully go about my day without the schmuck. That lasts about 45 minutes before the love fantasy comes back in, numbing my hurt like emotional painkillers. The more I hurt, the stronger I dream. Combine that with the embarrassment and shame I feel for having this secret sick crush from afar, as I look with horror at the date and realize just how many years it has consumed me.
This is a big giant wad of poo.
5 comments:
wow...I can completely relate to this. I always have this "yearning" for someone to love me the way I love them. And of course it's usually someone I cannot have, someone who is totally unattainable. I then I feel depressed and I go boozing, or I eat a bunch of junk food and puke...men are so confusing...
Love is the best kind of distraction.
I wish I had someone to love and love me back. :(
"men are so confusing'
Females are worse.
<3
Mandy,
I found your blog this evening while surfing a bit... funny... I am 31, and started using anorexia/bulimia as a way to cope with my stress since I was about 16 years old. I still have problems today... Bulimia is the major problem... Then someties I can go a day or 2 without eating anything. I am so affraid... I am married to an amazing man... I want to have kids... but this monster takes over my life constantly... I am fed up. I try and try... but I can never seem to get myself to try hard enough to make it stop. I wonder sometimes if my life will always be like this... or will I wind up dead before even knowing. I don't know why I am writting to you... I think just... what I read did something to me and it felt good to find someone that knows what I know and feels what I feel. I'd love to talk more... maybe it was some sort of fate that I wound up commenting on your blog. Who knows... maybe it means that it's time for change... and maybe we needed to find one another in order to make that change happen... hope to hear from you.
mod85@hotmail.com
When I was 17 I came out of an abusive relationship which I stayed in just to feel loved. Leaving that situation I became bulimic. That is when I really started hating myself. I moved to NY though and eventually had "my issues" managed. The abundance of men in New York and their general interest in you for what you offer overall rather than just fulfilling some sex object role was quite satisfying. Unfortunately their love is also quite fleeting. So stupidly, I moved to Miami a year and a half ago. I think NO WHERE else in the country is there such an unrealistic expectation of women and their appearances. The men here are loosers and assholes and are only interested in how you look and how many women they can F@%* sadly, I have once again turned to purging in hopes to be thin. I am moving out of my highrise condo just so I can afford the lipo that I feel might help me get over the "fat girl syndrome" I too am in finals, end of year stuff and am planning a trip home for the holidays. I have been so disgusted with myself, depressed, irrational and unable to concentrate I have failed at least one of my classes. I feel for you, but at the same time envy you because at least you have men with which you can aspire to love, here if you dont give it up on the first date they will never call you again and if you do give it up, they'll stop calling you anyway by the third. I hope my trip home will get me through this. I fucking hate miami!
You are so good at describing me and how I feel.
"At the slightest glimmer of love I respond like a starving person to cracker crumbs, inhaling them and desperately hoping for more." Yep.
"Of course in my fantasy I have that perfect body" True.
"This fantasy is all intertwined into a giant magic marshmallow that hugs me on the inside." I love this picture you have painted :) It's so true.
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