test grade

I got a 74 on my exam. I thought maybe I got an 80. It was not too hard but considering it was my third time showing up to class and I only started studying at 2 am, it's not so bad.

But the best part is that I checked the class statistics, and somebody got like a 35!! Someone else also got a 74, and then was one score in the 80s and the rest were As. So perhaps he wasn't lecturing just me. Maybe somebody else has not been showing up either. I really hope that is the case, because if I'm the only one who hasn't been showing up then I'm sure the other students will think I'm the loser with the lowest grade.

forgiveness

(Did any of you see that movie, "Just Friends" with Amy Smart and Ryan Reynolds? I can't stand Ryan Reynolds and I could have written a funnier script, but the best part was the Jessica Simpson-ish no-talent pop star character. Hilarious! Anyone she had this song called "Forgiveness" that was such a riot. I had to mention that as soon I wrote the subject for this post.)

I am realizing I have to forgive myself for what I've done if I have any chance of moving forward.

This is what I need to forgive myself for...

1. being hopelessly single
2. being fat
3. being broke
4. being in debt/bad credit
5. living where I live
6. not having a degree yet
7. having stretch marks from being a fat kid
8. having a messy room/car/office
9. being depressed
10. being all these things at almost 30!!!!

I found this great poem on the SF forum. They have a forum called "The Other Side" where people who have actually recovered post.

I am ME, I am not my ED!

I stood before the Mirror...
gazing,imagining,percieving.
I looked into my eyes,
And they were dead.

I thought about myself
but only saw bulimia
I thought about my personality
but only saw bulimia

Bulimia said to me:
I can make you beautiful
I gazed into the mirror again,
No, I didnt look beautiful.

Bulimia said to me:
You will be so popular
I gazed into the mirror again
And saw the hospital bed behind me

Bulimia said to me:
You will be so happy
I gazed into the mirror
And saw my medication in a cup

Bulimia said to me:
Let me join you
I can become you
And you can become me!

I gazed into the mirror
And thought about the tears,
about my helpless friends,
and angry family.

I gazed into the mirror,
feeling more alone than before
sitting on my bed
in a lonely hospital room.

I gazed into the mirror,
And suddenly I cracked
A fire lit inside
And I decided to fight back.

I said to bulimia:
You promised me beauty,
Bulimia looked shocked
And all I got was paler

I said to bulimia:
You promised me popularity
Bulimia looked scared
And all I got was a turned back

I said to bulimia:
You promised me happiness
Bulimia recoiled in horror
And all I got were these tears on my cheeks.

I said to bulimia:
You said we'd join together
Bulimia nooded knowingly
But there was only you, and no more me!

I turned away from the mirror
refusing to look anymore
Bulimia stayed in the mirror
And I walked out the door.

Today I decided
To leave it all behind
I am no longer Bulimia
Instead I am ME!

this is stupid

every day I "start over" so it seems. What a waste. When I read the support message boards about people in my same situation, stuck in the same cycle, the first thing that comes to mind is empathy, and the second is practicality: YOU and ONLY YOU can stop it so why are you continuing this thing you know is ruining your life?

So why do I ignore that same concept when it comes to myself? I just let it control me. I'm not a crackhead but I act just as badly.

I slept in way late yesterday and stayed up all last night to study for my exam. I also made an amazing batch of chocolate chip muffins and b/p on them of course. I don't know why. Today in class the teacher lectured "us" majorly about people who are not attending class. I put "us" in quotes because I'm sure he was talking about me specifically, considering there are only seven students in the class and they all seem to be eager-beaver goody-goodies. So it's the end of the second week and I only came three times... oops. Anyway, I felt appropriately ashamed and will come every day for the next two weeks. I do have an appt with the cardiologist on Tuesday so I will have to miss part of that time.

I read that there is a rumor going around that Paris Hilton is bulimic. I'm guessing Paris Hilton is the most discussed topic in the blogosphere, so this will be her one and only chance to get mentioned in my blog. Paris, if you're reading this, 1) get help and 2) send me money.

Tomorrow I will really try to get better

Today I found out a friend of mine got engaged... I imagine she will get married this summer. I must look good for that, which means, I must start exercising!

My goal for tomorrow is to walk.

I will not delete this blog

I want to delete this blog because I'm scared I will stop posting in it and it will become one more thing I failed at keeping up.

However I am asking myself to keep it up even if I'm the only one who ever sees it.

I made a positive step today. I ate... (drumroll)... a BANANA! I have a love/hate relationship with bananas. I know they are especially healthy for me (high in potassium), so eating a banana goes against my subconscious desire to not be good to myself. I actually don't mind eating them, but they go bad SO quickly. I usually end up throwing away all the bananas I buy. I prefer food that comes in wrappers, boxes or cans. I bought it at a little store I walked by and then ate it within an hour. I'm sure it would have been bad by tonight.

Last night I slept about 6 hours. That's not too bad except I went to bed really late and overslept by about an hour. Today I felt like a loser in class because it's only my second time going (hah) in a week. I had to be in a group project and of course I had nothing to contribute. This one guy was a jerk to me though when I tried to contribute. Pretentious prick. I don't know his name but I shall never forgive him. I'm going to study my ass off because we have a test on Friday. I have to get my butt in gear.

I will eat a banana tomorrow too - that's my goal.

what am I thinking

I don't know why I'm doing this blog. Blogs are for CNN correspondents and 16-year-old girls in love with the cast of the OC. It's not like anyone is reading it either. I don't know how I would advertise this blog. Actually I posted about it in the Something Fishy message board (a great place) and the URL was deleted by the moderator, hah.

I guess the point would be to use this blog as some kind of therapy to get better, but I don't know that I am actually interested in getting better. I don't seem to be interested. I really feel like I have nothing left to give towards this concept called recovery. I don't know what a life is outside of an eating disorder. I think I am my eating disorder and my eating disorder is me. (As a great man once sang, "If you are what you eat then in my case I'll be sweet.")

Ok, so to summarize: I know I'm fat, I know I hate being fat, I know b/p is making me unhealthy and keeping me fat, and I know the only way to be happy is to stop b/p. Yet I can't stop or I won't stop. Why am I doing this to myself? Am I stupid? On the contrary I'm very smart (at least that is what they say).

I just keep going in circles. It's time to get back on the expressway to starting over yet again. Will tomorrow be different? Only I have the power to make it different. I don't believe that I can.

my daily affirmation

I deserve to get better because the real me is much prettier than I look now (shallow but true)

mo fo me

I'm going to write down everything I eat in this thing.

Right now I feel like CRAP!!!!!!!!! ugh ugh ugh I feel so nauseous. Gee I wonder why... let's look at what I put in my system today.

9:30 am: breakfast of one Reeses' Fast Break (I think that is what it's called) and one Hershey's Fast Break, washed down with Mtn Dew. Oh my god it was disgusting.

4:30 pm: Subway - six inch roast beef with two cookies and diet soda

8:30 pm: dinner of salad, this casserole thing, and two glasses of red wine. Pumpkin bread for dessert.

1:30 am to 2:30 am: binge on chocolate chips (half a bag) and chocolate chip muffins (four fresh from the oven... meaning I have 8 left to binge on tomorrow, hooray a reason to wake up in the morning!). It sucked because my milk had gone bad (though it said it was good through 12-30.... lying bastards) and I had to wash it down with water! I threw up as much as I could and the relief was amazing though not total because I still feel really sick. I'm all out of pepto though. I was watching the X-Files, I think from season one because Scully had really bushy outbrows. Now tomorrow when I smell the muffins I will be reminded of the X-Files, and the next time I watch the X-Files I will be reminded of chocolate chip muffins.

The pictures of me from Christmas are just terrible. I am so depressed... I'm trying to find motivation to get healthy and it's hard. The only thing i can really think about is that I can't die when I'm fat or else that is how everybody will remember me and that's not the real me. I think I always feel so detached from everything because in my head I'm not living my "real" life (aka the life thin Amanda would lead).

I am thinking of putting one of my ugly pictures as my laptop wallpaper so I will see it wherever I go. I don't understand why I don't realize I am so fat when I look in the mirror. I always look the same to me, and I always think I look way better than the photos eventually reveal. I've tried that wallpaper trick before and it never works.

love from the toilet...

I forgot to add my daily affirmation, so here it is:

I deserve to get better because there is a world of opportunity out there waiting for me to go out and get it

Happy Festivus

I had a nice Christmas..... except I ate so much. I ate like a pig. I wanted to take the rest of the cake I made home and eat it too but didn't... I drank a lot too but didn't even get buzzed... (hmmm.... probably because I ate so much!).

I did nice makeup but my goodness I am so fat. I took a pic with my crush and it's just terrible, not a keeper at all. I need to start exercising asap.

On the Fishy MB there is a thread about how whether or not purging actually works in terms of preventing calories from being absorbed... they are saying it doesn't, and that the longer you have been bulimic the quicker you digest food you eat. That makes sense because this sure used to work, it doesn't anymore.

I need some Daily Affirmations... Every day I will write a reason why I deserve to get better.

I deserve to get better because...
I'm good enough
I'm smart enough
and doggone it, people like me!

Trying a new attitude on for 2006

The year is almost over, and I feel like I didn't accomplish much. I need to change my life completely or I won't have a life pretty soon. My body is starting to fall apart and I need to get my act together. I'm not waiting until Jan. 1, 2006, to start eating healthy and taking care of myself. I will try to eat OK for the next few days and maybe even take a walk. And then, once Christmas is over, I will try to get myself on a little schedule.

I almost weighed myself tonight but I didn't. I bet it is around 200. I am usually between 185-190, but I've been b/p so much lately. I don't know how people b/p to keep their weight down - it always makes mine creep up. My dream is to be 110. Hah! But it seems like everytime I start eating healthy, exercising and losing weight, something happens and I go back to the b/p.

I will start weighing myself once a week though starting after Christmas...

I don't even know who I'm talking to right now. This blog is public but nobody knows about it. I think it will be therapeutic for me. I keep my own journal in a Word document and that helps, but I want to try something different.

Happy Holidays

bulimia is hell

Even when I want to do better I can't... Just a week ago I vowed that I was going to get better right away! That lasted about five minutes. I've been half-heartedly binging and purging all week long.

I've really been depressed this week. Today I felt a cramp and then I remembered, it's almost period time again. I'm going to start taking Seasonale again. It's awesome and really helps with the PMS. It's so expensive though - $120 for three months. That's why I stopped taking it, but hey, it will be worth it if it can change my life.

I feel disgustingly fat. Probably because I am, duh!

Bulimia blows

Check back soon for more content about how much it sucks and why I need to get better