I don't know why I'm doing this blog. Blogs are for CNN correspondents and 16-year-old girls in love with the cast of the OC. It's not like anyone is reading it either. I don't know how I would advertise this blog. Actually I posted about it in the Something Fishy message board (a great place) and the URL was deleted by the moderator, hah.
I guess the point would be to use this blog as some kind of therapy to get better, but I don't know that I am actually interested in getting better. I don't seem to be interested. I really feel like I have nothing left to give towards this concept called recovery. I don't know what a life is outside of an eating disorder. I think I am my eating disorder and my eating disorder is me. (As a great man once sang, "If you are what you eat then in my case I'll be sweet.")
Ok, so to summarize: I know I'm fat, I know I hate being fat, I know b/p is making me unhealthy and keeping me fat, and I know the only way to be happy is to stop b/p. Yet I can't stop or I won't stop. Why am I doing this to myself? Am I stupid? On the contrary I'm very smart (at least that is what they say).
I just keep going in circles. It's time to get back on the expressway to starting over yet again. Will tomorrow be different? Only I have the power to make it different. I don't believe that I can.
my daily affirmation
I deserve to get better because the real me is much prettier than I look now (shallow but true)
2 comments:
Hi!
I have just found your blog. I do not know what to say ... Don't want to tell you all sweet lies about happiness and about excepting yourself ... I am a bulimic person, too. I am so fed up with that fact, but I am cought in this cycle, like everyone else with this problem. I don't know why I am writing this. It's pointless, meaningless - whatever.
Today is just one more day of agony and full of promises i will change my life. Sometimes. Not yet today, but maybe tomorrow ... I am going to read all your posts in your blog, I think it's a great blog with honest words.
I started at the very beginning, so I am moving forward and I hope you were getting better through all this time ... Oh, I feel so strange. I don't even know if you'll see this. But anyway ... This is a therapy for me :)
And - you can email me if you want to /me blushes
Spela
I just discovered this blog and decided it would be better to start at the beginning and I completely understand how you were feeling at this time
Insidebulimia.blogspot
-B
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