I'm going to write down everything I eat in this thing.
Right now I feel like CRAP!!!!!!!!! ugh ugh ugh I feel so nauseous. Gee I wonder why... let's look at what I put in my system today.
9:30 am: breakfast of one Reeses' Fast Break (I think that is what it's called) and one Hershey's Fast Break, washed down with Mtn Dew. Oh my god it was disgusting.
4:30 pm: Subway - six inch roast beef with two cookies and diet soda
8:30 pm: dinner of salad, this casserole thing, and two glasses of red wine. Pumpkin bread for dessert.
1:30 am to 2:30 am: binge on chocolate chips (half a bag) and chocolate chip muffins (four fresh from the oven... meaning I have 8 left to binge on tomorrow, hooray a reason to wake up in the morning!). It sucked because my milk had gone bad (though it said it was good through 12-30.... lying bastards) and I had to wash it down with water! I threw up as much as I could and the relief was amazing though not total because I still feel really sick. I'm all out of pepto though. I was watching the X-Files, I think from season one because Scully had really bushy outbrows. Now tomorrow when I smell the muffins I will be reminded of the X-Files, and the next time I watch the X-Files I will be reminded of chocolate chip muffins.
The pictures of me from Christmas are just terrible. I am so depressed... I'm trying to find motivation to get healthy and it's hard. The only thing i can really think about is that I can't die when I'm fat or else that is how everybody will remember me and that's not the real me. I think I always feel so detached from everything because in my head I'm not living my "real" life (aka the life thin Amanda would lead).
I am thinking of putting one of my ugly pictures as my laptop wallpaper so I will see it wherever I go. I don't understand why I don't realize I am so fat when I look in the mirror. I always look the same to me, and I always think I look way better than the photos eventually reveal. I've tried that wallpaper trick before and it never works.
love from the toilet...
I forgot to add my daily affirmation, so here it is:
I deserve to get better because there is a world of opportunity out there waiting for me to go out and get it
2 comments:
Hi Mandy. You and me are very much alike. Well there´s an ocean between us (i´m swedish) and our age is not perfectly equal but... Still, your thoughts are like echoes of those created in my head. I´ve been prognosed bulimia for three years now. Maybe that´s not much, but this disease doesn´t really change in time, does it? You just keep on "wasteing" life time in same disgusting way, waking up on mondays with an "ok, this week i´ll manage it", going to bed on sundays with a whole week of bad memories and strenuous receipts... Anyway. I guess you get lots of "God, I didn´t think anyone else in this world felt this way I do", so therefor i think my presens here might just feel boring to you. Yet I want to comment one tiny thing in this note. You´re saying that the last thing you want to do now, is to die. That´s one of, what I feel, my strangest thoughts too..!! It is so embarrissing to realize that you actually fear doing stuff just because if something happens to you, your fat, exuberanced, celulite stuffed body will be floating in the coffin. (no matter if you fit in a size 0 or not... One still feel that way.) I would never commit suicide (but.. the reason for it is ludicrous!).
Many spelling errors in this text (probably you know how it feels like never doing things good enough too. :P ). Hopefully you´ll keep on wrighting this blog, I find it so very emotionally profitable -a place where you can accept yourself for a while, since you´re not alone in the dark reading your words. All love and good luck wishes with your struggle! Keep on make those bids for balance and inner peace. :) Thank you. Molly
OMG we are all the same, hahahahaha :D
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