it's funny, I don't feel any guilt for eating like crap the past few days. I know it won't continue when I get home. I don't WANT to eat junk food... my body just wants it because it's what I've been eating and it's what's available to me!
If I go home and immediately start eating better, maybe I don't really have any emotional attachment to food. I was eating compulsively because I was craving food because I was undernourished (because I had been eating junk to begin with).
I'm going to skip all the way to the health food store. Yippee!!!!
Thursday, December 28, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
yuck yuck yuck
I've been eating junk food and I can't believe how nasty I felt. I went from having quite a bit of energy on Saturday to being dead and sluggish on Sunday with a terrible headache. I felt tired, cranky and constantly wishing I could take a nap. Not only that, instead of wanting less junk food, I wanted more! The more you eat it, the more you PHYSICALLY need it.
It's really interesting looking at this from a physical logical standpoint instead of an emotional one. I can see the necessity behind the binges now. Wow.
I can't wait to get out of here... It's really hard being around all this junk food. But at the same time, it's reinforcing my theories.
four more days and I go home!
It's really interesting looking at this from a physical logical standpoint instead of an emotional one. I can see the necessity behind the binges now. Wow.
I can't wait to get out of here... It's really hard being around all this junk food. But at the same time, it's reinforcing my theories.
four more days and I go home!
Saturday, December 23, 2006
Happy Birthday to me! (plus Chernobyl pee)
wow, yesterday this blog turned ONE YEAR OLD!!!!! I started it on a whim on Dec. 22, 2005. I can't believe how time has flown by... and fortunately I finally am moving ahead.I'm still doing great! I cannot believe how much energy I have and how easy it has been to go to sleep and wake up. Unfortunately the last few days have been hectic... I've been snacking on lots of chocolate and other treats. (Still no soda, though!) But I've noticed myself feeling kind of crappy and nauseous. And not only that, the more junk I eat the more I crave it. Right now I'm at the airport and I just ate at Sbarro... yuck! I did have some steamed vegetables to go with the pizza, but still, I feel so sick! I WANT MY ORGANIC SOUP!!!! Oh I dropped some hints and got a gift certificate for the local health food store from my boss for $75! Yay!!!!!! I'm so stoked.
Ok so I cannot get this book idea out of my head. I have a lot of ideas. The first part is to write it of course, duh. But does anyone have any experience with the publishing industry?
So I started taking a daily vitamin a few days ago, and my pee is radioactive yellow. It freaked me out at first but I googled it and it's because of the vitamin B2.
Oh also someone gave me a really cool pedometer they weren't using... It's really nice and automatically resets at midnight, plus it remembers the past five days. Today I've had 6,287 so far. I've been trying to get to 10,000... yesterday I was close, 9486!!
Monday, December 18, 2006
it's suddenly hard to blog...
I'm so welling. (I meant to write "I'm doing so well" just now, but it came out as "I'm so welling." I like that expression so I'll keep it.) But I've been avoiding blogging and I realized it's because I'm so afraid it will all go poof and disapppear and I'll be back where I was, stuck, driving in circles with no way out.
This is what I'm afraid to write, lest it go away: I'm getting better. Bulimia is leaving me and this time it is for real. I am finally physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and nutritionally able to let it go.
Holy shit. My heart is pounding just writing those words.
The thing is, I'm not on a "perfect" streak either. You know, when you're fresh out of the gate on a new diet and you're doing fantastic and sticking to it to the letter... I'm just kind of trying things. I've had a few cookies at the office, a piece of fudge at the mall. But it was all very small amounts. See I have been eating so well and often that I'm never hungry. Before, I would be starving and as soon as I tasted one piece of chocolate, I would need to eat everything around me. I've even binged and purged a couple times, and it was not the same. It didn't feel right. I thought about why it happened and it was pretty easy to figure out. The first time, I let myself go too long without food, and the second time, because I had no other plans and I got caught up in the excitement of it. The next day was the same thing, I had no plans, so I made plans to go to the movies... by myself!! Since I had that to look forward to, I had no desire to think about food.
How am I doing this? For the first time in almost 20 years, I am not on a diet.
I'm eating whenever I want. I am never letting myself get to the point where I'm starving, and it's not because I've been eating a lot. It is the quality of the food and not the quantity I've been eating. I am not drinking diet soda, I am not eating fat-free pudding or low-fat yogurt. No more products with aspartame or artificial whatever. I'm telling you, it's poisonous. I'm eating organic food and it tastes good. I stopped drinking top water - I'm even using filtered water to make noodles and rice.
I can fall asleep at night at a normal time. When I get up in the morning, I don't have to drag myself out of bed. Even if I happened to stay up late the night before, I can STILL get up. Of course I want to stay in bed, but I do get up like a normal person. Before, I would be so dead in the morning it was like I couldn't physically get up. I have so much energy throughout the day. I WANT to do things.
I don't even know how to explain it except I'm happy. And the thing is what I did is so simple and easy. Stop dieting. I am more convinced than ever that bulimia is a PHYSICAL disorder and not a mental "problem." Yes, mental problems and learned behavior accompany it. However, simply willing myself to stop and "change" is as impossible as willing myself to fly.
I am sorry I have felt so bad about myself for so many years because I am a great person. For so long I have felt like a complete loser. I was guilty and ashamed and that is no longer the case. Is it possible I found a "cure"? I don't know that what is working for me will work for everyone. Is it possible this advice is already out there and I just ignored it? I swear, nobody ever explained it to me in a way that made sense.
I hope that, wherever you are, you are all welling too. But if you're not, please know that you are physically sick, and for this you have no reason to be ashamed. Stand up, keep trying and find your own cure.
This is what I'm afraid to write, lest it go away: I'm getting better. Bulimia is leaving me and this time it is for real. I am finally physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and nutritionally able to let it go.
Holy shit. My heart is pounding just writing those words.
The thing is, I'm not on a "perfect" streak either. You know, when you're fresh out of the gate on a new diet and you're doing fantastic and sticking to it to the letter... I'm just kind of trying things. I've had a few cookies at the office, a piece of fudge at the mall. But it was all very small amounts. See I have been eating so well and often that I'm never hungry. Before, I would be starving and as soon as I tasted one piece of chocolate, I would need to eat everything around me. I've even binged and purged a couple times, and it was not the same. It didn't feel right. I thought about why it happened and it was pretty easy to figure out. The first time, I let myself go too long without food, and the second time, because I had no other plans and I got caught up in the excitement of it. The next day was the same thing, I had no plans, so I made plans to go to the movies... by myself!! Since I had that to look forward to, I had no desire to think about food.
How am I doing this? For the first time in almost 20 years, I am not on a diet.
I'm eating whenever I want. I am never letting myself get to the point where I'm starving, and it's not because I've been eating a lot. It is the quality of the food and not the quantity I've been eating. I am not drinking diet soda, I am not eating fat-free pudding or low-fat yogurt. No more products with aspartame or artificial whatever. I'm telling you, it's poisonous. I'm eating organic food and it tastes good. I stopped drinking top water - I'm even using filtered water to make noodles and rice.
I can fall asleep at night at a normal time. When I get up in the morning, I don't have to drag myself out of bed. Even if I happened to stay up late the night before, I can STILL get up. Of course I want to stay in bed, but I do get up like a normal person. Before, I would be so dead in the morning it was like I couldn't physically get up. I have so much energy throughout the day. I WANT to do things.
I don't even know how to explain it except I'm happy. And the thing is what I did is so simple and easy. Stop dieting. I am more convinced than ever that bulimia is a PHYSICAL disorder and not a mental "problem." Yes, mental problems and learned behavior accompany it. However, simply willing myself to stop and "change" is as impossible as willing myself to fly.
I am sorry I have felt so bad about myself for so many years because I am a great person. For so long I have felt like a complete loser. I was guilty and ashamed and that is no longer the case. Is it possible I found a "cure"? I don't know that what is working for me will work for everyone. Is it possible this advice is already out there and I just ignored it? I swear, nobody ever explained it to me in a way that made sense.
I hope that, wherever you are, you are all welling too. But if you're not, please know that you are physically sick, and for this you have no reason to be ashamed. Stand up, keep trying and find your own cure.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
aspartame can kiss my ass
Sorry I haven't updated lately... I'll write a longer post tomorrow!
Anyway I'm doing really well... holy shit, REALLY well! I think I owe it all to going organic. I can honestly say I never, ever want to taste Diet Coke again. The thought of having anything with ASSpartame makes me sick. I haven't been perfect but it's been surprisingly easy. I'll write all the details later.
To those who asked about the cleanse, google "gallbladder flush" or "liver cleanse" and you'll get lots of info about how to do it. Some cleanses are longer than others - I chose one that was shorter, because I figured it would be easier to stick to. You can find it here: Gallbladder Cleanse
I'm actually thinking of doing it again in a week. They say it takes a couple times to get all of them out. Even though drinking that oil was nasty, it is definitely worth it.
I need to go to sleep now. I have been doing fantastic with my sleep. I actually sleep like a normal person. Part of me is afraid this won't last, but I have never felt so optimistic about recovery as I do right now.
Anyway I'm doing really well... holy shit, REALLY well! I think I owe it all to going organic. I can honestly say I never, ever want to taste Diet Coke again. The thought of having anything with ASSpartame makes me sick. I haven't been perfect but it's been surprisingly easy. I'll write all the details later.
To those who asked about the cleanse, google "gallbladder flush" or "liver cleanse" and you'll get lots of info about how to do it. Some cleanses are longer than others - I chose one that was shorter, because I figured it would be easier to stick to. You can find it here: Gallbladder Cleanse
I'm actually thinking of doing it again in a week. They say it takes a couple times to get all of them out. Even though drinking that oil was nasty, it is definitely worth it.
I need to go to sleep now. I have been doing fantastic with my sleep. I actually sleep like a normal person. Part of me is afraid this won't last, but I have never felt so optimistic about recovery as I do right now.
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