it's suddenly hard to blog...

I'm so welling. (I meant to write "I'm doing so well" just now, but it came out as "I'm so welling." I like that expression so I'll keep it.) But I've been avoiding blogging and I realized it's because I'm so afraid it will all go poof and disapppear and I'll be back where I was, stuck, driving in circles with no way out.

This is what I'm afraid to write, lest it go away: I'm getting better. Bulimia is leaving me and this time it is for real. I am finally physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and nutritionally able to let it go.

Holy shit. My heart is pounding just writing those words.

The thing is, I'm not on a "perfect" streak either. You know, when you're fresh out of the gate on a new diet and you're doing fantastic and sticking to it to the letter... I'm just kind of trying things. I've had a few cookies at the office, a piece of fudge at the mall. But it was all very small amounts. See I have been eating so well and often that I'm never hungry. Before, I would be starving and as soon as I tasted one piece of chocolate, I would need to eat everything around me. I've even binged and purged a couple times, and it was not the same. It didn't feel right. I thought about why it happened and it was pretty easy to figure out. The first time, I let myself go too long without food, and the second time, because I had no other plans and I got caught up in the excitement of it. The next day was the same thing, I had no plans, so I made plans to go to the movies... by myself!! Since I had that to look forward to, I had no desire to think about food.

How am I doing this? For the first time in almost 20 years, I am not on a diet.
I'm eating whenever I want. I am never letting myself get to the point where I'm starving, and it's not because I've been eating a lot. It is the quality of the food and not the quantity I've been eating. I am not drinking diet soda, I am not eating fat-free pudding or low-fat yogurt. No more products with aspartame or artificial whatever. I'm telling you, it's poisonous. I'm eating organic food and it tastes good. I stopped drinking top water - I'm even using filtered water to make noodles and rice.

I can fall asleep at night at a normal time. When I get up in the morning, I don't have to drag myself out of bed. Even if I happened to stay up late the night before, I can STILL get up. Of course I want to stay in bed, but I do get up like a normal person. Before, I would be so dead in the morning it was like I couldn't physically get up. I have so much energy throughout the day. I WANT to do things.

I don't even know how to explain it except I'm happy. And the thing is what I did is so simple and easy. Stop dieting. I am more convinced than ever that bulimia is a PHYSICAL disorder and not a mental "problem." Yes, mental problems and learned behavior accompany it. However, simply willing myself to stop and "change" is as impossible as willing myself to fly.

I am sorry I have felt so bad about myself for so many years because I am a great person. For so long I have felt like a complete loser. I was guilty and ashamed and that is no longer the case. Is it possible I found a "cure"? I don't know that what is working for me will work for everyone. Is it possible this advice is already out there and I just ignored it? I swear, nobody ever explained it to me in a way that made sense.

I hope that, wherever you are, you are all welling too. But if you're not, please know that you are physically sick, and for this you have no reason to be ashamed. Stand up, keep trying and find your own cure.