Mind of Mand-i-a

I got a nice blog comment yesterday about how I'm so funny. It's true... I'm hysterical. I wish I had more friends who appreciated my sense of humor. Cuz gosh darn it, I'm funny.

I have a hard time being quiet in class... still. Growing up, I remember one kid used to tell me for years that I would end up a comedian. Other kids used to tell me to shut up. If you weren't popular, you weren't allowed to be a class clown. They didn't want to see you or hear you.

I'm watching X-Files. That show is awesome. I would like to have a standing list on this site of things that are officially deemed awesome.

I'm going to write that I've been tentatively doing great the past few days. As soon as I went back on the Prozac and Seasonable, it's been a huge improvement. I'm still hungry a lot but it's not a desire to binge.

One of my favorite lines from my favorite musician is "If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." I feel like I can use my writing to explore bulimia, not just mine but it as a whole.

My birthday is in a week. I will have to change the "about" thing to say I am 30. How can I be 30? That doesn't make sense. Me being 30 is freakier than any X-Files premise.

P.S. The most awesome thing of all may be hot men with English accents. I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 finally. Too bad you can't go to the concession stand and order a small popcorn, medium Diet Coke and a large dildo. Holy hell! Hot hot hot! I shall write a Shakespearian sonnet about how Orlando and I should get it on 500 times. Get thee to Mandy!

pot of gold at the end of the (reading) rainbow

I started reading "Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery" by Lindsey Hall & Leigh Cohn again. It is the only book about bulimia I've ever read that actually makes sense. I got it about two years ago.

Anyway I just started reading it again... In the back there is a two-week guide to stop bingeing. The whole idea fills me with immediate... FEAR. I just can't imagine giving up bulimia. I mean, say it's gone and I don't have an eating disorder. What the fuck will I do then? Who will I be then?

I still want to binge. I'm so bored. I guess I will just sit here and read and have more deep thoughts.

Little Miss Bulimic

I started school this past week.... I think it will be a good semester. I am really excited about my classes because they are pretty interesting. I've still been compulsively bingeing/purging. I am so fat, 205. I feel terrible. I look like such a slob, always wearing t-shirts and sweats. I was walking across campus this morning and I just felt terrible about myself. As in, don't I have any pride in my appearance? In taking care of myself? I hope the weather will cool down soon and I'll feel like going for walks at night. I always do my best thinking and head-clearing when I walk. It's been so hot, like 95 degrees at 11:00 p.m.

Tonight I went to see a great movie, Little Miss Sunshine. It was so simple and yet so funny and uplifting... Everybody go see it!

I will post again soon... more deep thoughts from Jack Mandy.

I'm kinda doing better

Well I got my period, and the storm has passed. It was terrible the past few days... no matter how much I ate, I couldn't be full. I absolutely cannnot live without Seasonale... it's just so freaking expensive!!!

I had a lot of interesting thoughts... but I'm too tired to remember them now. I'll post again tomorrow.

I'm sucking

I'm really doing badly. I am dreaming of a treatment center. There is a really good one about two hours away.

My head hurts.

Prozac nation

I've come to realize recently that I'm not taking the Prozac as consistently as I should be. I usually take it like every other day and not the same time every day. So I've recommitted to taking it every night. However I was chatting with Beth (who kicks ass by the way) and she was telling me about Cymbalta... so I googled Cymbalta and bulimia and found this super awesome site:

Remedy Find: Bulimia

Everybody go on there and talk about what works for you and what doesn't work for you! We need to help each other out with our first hand experiences because let's face it, what the doctors do is pretty much trial and error.

I did a real work out today at the gym for the first time in a long time... 20 min on the eliptical machine. Awesome! Then I came home and cleaned. Awesome! I ate a healthy and satisfying dinner. Awesome! Then I cooked about 100 lbs of this macaroni, chili and spaghetti sauce concoction. I suck at life! Seriously lately it's like I cannot feel full until I've binged and purged repeatedly. The more I try to get better, the worse I get. Maybe it's like quicksand... struggle and you sink faster, stop struggling and you'll float to the surface.

For my birthday, I would like an all-expense paid stay at a treatment facility. I wonder if they have ones where you can bring your pets? They should make a Carnival cruise ship for ED recovery. You don't get off the boat until you're better. That would kick ass.

Anyway I'm thinking I'm going to look into Cymbalta. The thing about Prozac is that it works great at first and then it stops working. I don't understand this. Is Cymbalta better? Ugh a new medication... I feel like such a freak.

Thanks for the supportive messages... it means so much to me.

I'm stuck, stuck, stuck!

I started working out again and I'm trying to do everything right. I'm eating regularly and not letting myself starve.

But at the same time I can't stop bingeing... I don't know why. The more I try not to the more I do it.

I'm so tired of this. I keep waiting to snap out of it but I never do.