Moving forward

My birthday is in a few days. 32 years old. Wow. I'm so old.

There is one good thing about getting older. I'm getting more mature. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I feel like doing the things I didn't do before.

I'm finally taking care of my bills and my credit and doing an actual budget. This is a huge step for me because it was one of the most irresponsible and immature parts of my life - always living like only today mattered.

I finally feel like I want to be a grownup. For so long I used to always wish I could be a kid again, I wished I could go back in time and "start over." But my life is really not so bad. In fact I have a lot to be grateful for.

I feel, more than I have in the past, that I am ready to move on from an eating disorder. It doesn't fit me anymore. The problem is that it is very ingrained in who I am in my habits. The last time I didn't have any kind of eating problem, I was abiout 7 years old.

I really feel calmer and less anxious about who I am. Happy Bithrday to me.

what is the deal

I'm growing up. I've made a few smart decisions this week and suddenly I feel much older and wiser.

it's soooo late, I can barely keep my eyes open or think straight, but I just feel so positive and wanted to post. My life is pretty good if I let it be.

I am realizing that the things I do because they are easy - procrastinate, be a slob, avoid studying or paying bills, not to mention binge and purge - are no longer "working" for me. I say "working" because they are self-destructive habits that I subconsciously employ for some purpose. Well they are no longer serving their purpose. Fuckers.

time to catch some zzzzs. I don't know why but I feel lucky, despite my problems. I am really pretty cool.

juiced

I think I'm going to do a juice fast... I feel like crap after eating so much crap. I guess I will do my standard apple juice fast for three days. I just feel nasty right now. I need to stop drinking all sugar and soda again. It's just poison. I only drink diet soda but I think it is even more poisonous. Aspartame is evil.

I'm kind of nervous because I hurt my back a little somehow. Maybe I just slept on it wrong. It feels like muscle pain...

I'm really serious about the Lap-Band. I'm trying to get everything arranged so I can apply for a loan. I still have about $1,500 in bills to pay off from my back surgery. Did I mention how much I hate insurance?

love to everybody