Stuck like a bug in a rug.

I got an email from Google that my blog would be frozen in time if I didn't agree to sign in and upgrade or something by May 31... so at about 11:30 pm PST I finally logged in and everything seems salvaged.

Obviously I haven't posted in a long time. I don't binge and purge anymore but I still struggle. Lately I've been struggling with overeating and self-sabotage. I'm repeatedly gaining and losing the same 15 lbs. My anxiety level is off the charts lately, leading to insomnia and major stress. I went to sleep around midnight but woke up again at 3 am and have been wide awake ever since. This sucks but I'm going to use the opportunity to vent.

Twice in the past month I've been to psychiatrists for help and neither could/would help me. One of my major issues is ADHD and good luck getting treatment for that as an adult. The first psychiatrist said he did not treat ADHD, basically implying he did not believe in it, even though I told the receptionist exactly what I wanted to be seen for at the time of the appointment! I had to pay a $30 copay so I was not happy. I was so distraught I started bawling when I left.

The second psychiatrist was worse. First, it was in an old building and I had to go into the basement to use the bathroom. Fine, but her waiting room was dirty and she had plastic chairs! Like patio chairs. Her receptionist was very weird and he used his cell phone to take calls since he didn't have a real phone. It was very amateur. They charged me $110, which is $80 more than the copay, with no explanation except that the insurance company said I had not met my deductible. I only had $40 on me and had to make arrangements to pay the rest the next day (since that was payday). The shady receptionist wanted to know when and where he could meet me the next day to get the rest of the money! It was surreal. The psychiatrist was very young (looked about 25) and Indian but had a very plane-Jane American name. Trust me, I don't have a problem with non-American doctors but I think she changed her name to sound more American, another reason I found her suspect. I told her I felt like I needed help from both a psychiatrist and therapist, and asked her if she could refer me to a therapist. I described my incredible anxiety and problems and the trouble my lack of organization is causing my life and she did not seem interested in the least. The whole time, a grand 15 minutes, she typed the symptoms into her computer instead of looking at me. She was very cold from start to finish.

She said she didn't prescribe medication for ADHD without a diagnosis done through testing. Fine, I can understand that. Of course she doesn't do testing so she said her assistant would have to email me the list of people who do because they did not have a printer! (He never emailed me by the way.) She prescribed me Vistaril for anxiety. It does nothing. She called Ambien "a bad drug" and prescribed me 150 mg or Trazadone to help me sleep. Apparently Trazadone is not approved for insomnia but when it is, it is started at 25 to 50 mg. The 150 mg was terrible. I could not wake up the next day at all, I was barely able to call in to work. I slept for about 20 straight hours and felt like I was in a coma. By the way, she never referred me to a therapist either, which was one of the first things I asked about!

That was a month ago. One thing I did is get back on the Seasonale (birth control that gives you only four periods a year), because I had a particularly bad episode of PMS. So that is one positive thing. But still, I have been so anxious. I can't get anything done. My debt is out of control. My apartment is a giant mess. I have stuff everywhere. It's so bad that the kitchen sink is leaking but I'm too embarrassed to call maintenance.

Plus I've been making some particularly bad decisions in other ways. I've been hanging around with a coworker who is a trainwreck himself, an alcoholic who is probably bipolar. He's actually very intelligent but acts like a complete fool when he starts spouting off, and can be very obnoxious. He is gorgeous and I'm very physically attracted to him, which is clouding my judgement. He has had so many DUIs that his license was suspended but he drives around anyway, probably drunk still. He takes painkillers to get high and who knows what else he does. He comes from a very unfortunate family situation, and I can see the good in him. I want to help him. But I know I can't, and I know I should not be associating with him. I'm 35 now and I need a good man. But where to find one?

Anyway enough is enough. I feel absolutely stuck and it's time to move forward. First thing tomorrow I am going to make an appointment for therapy. I just feel miserable and I know I deserve better.

I feel better after this vent.

Back, but bulimia free!

I'm sorry if I have abandoned my readers in the last few years. Bulimia is not a part of my life anymore. It's like a cancerous tumor has been cut out of my body.

I'm not perfect and I still have eating problems, but they seem to be much more "normal." I overeat sometimes and sometimes I wish I could just throw it up to have that relief. But I just go on.

However, I continue to get so many comments here from you guys who are still struggling. I would like to keep posting.

One other struggle I have right now is stopping my addiction to diet soda. I think it causes all kinds of problems. I would like to ask, how many of you drink diet soda daily?

what would you do if...

What if you woke up one day, and your bulimia was gone?
What would you do with your life?
How would you fill your days?

I see so many comments still from those of you who are suffering. Bulimia is a constant hell. Even if you can get away from it for a week or an hour or a minute, it comes back to suck your soul.

So what would you like to do with your life that you're not able to do now?

This is where I am, I have lots of things I thought I would do. I'm doing some of them but still struggle. Mainly I struggle with boredom and bad habits that need to go. I still have self-destructive tendencies that are threatening my life. Not like they're going to kill me, but they are threatening my chances of living a happy, healthy, normal life. A life I want and need.

I wish I could cure you all.

11 months bulimia free, are you effing kidding me?

I can't believe I'm writing these words... Since November 2008, the soul-sucking disease known as bulimia nervosa has not been a part of my life.

I wish I could describe to you the elation I feel each day, the happiness I have in every moment. Not that life is perfect. Over the past 11 months, there have been times I've been down, I've been exhausted, I've been sobbing, or even times I've been overeating, but yet it's like night and day from my previous life.

I don't know how I could call it a life even... it was death.

I'm not saying I'm cured. If my Lap-Band was taken out, I think I would return to bingeing and purging withing weeks if not days. There have been times it's gotten loose or I've gotten used to the tension and I've been able to overeat. Even though I was only able to eat a fraction of what I used to, the same old euphoria accompanied my overeating. But I've learned that's the sign it's time for the band to be tightened again. (I've had it tightened or filled three times.) And as soon as it is, voila, my interest in overeating disappears. It's literally a switch that is being shut off in my brain somehow: my brain is able to understand it's full.

I haven't lost a ton of weight yet but I'm on my way. I'm down almost 40 lbs and have about 100 to go. It's been slow but I think that's good.

I still get so many comments on this blog from people out there who are suffering, most alone. I wish I could help you. Not all of you may be overweight or even interested in Lap-Band, but I hope you can learn from my experience. Bulimia and overeating are are NOT mental or psychological disorders. They are signs of a physical sickness, something out of whack with the brain and digestive system. I'm sure there are different causes but the problem is the same.

People with eating disorders, YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ILL. You are not weak with no self control. You are not too lazy to stick to a diet. You are not a freak. Maybe you have problems relating to other people, can't balance your check book and can't dance, but none of those changes the very real facts: You have a medical disease and you need medical treatment.

I want to write a book to tell my story and share this very real truth with the world.

Please take care of yourselves, and start demanding the best possible health care and treatment out there.

love,
Amanda

A new chapter

I'm working on my book proposal and query... if anyone knows a great literary agent, please let me know. I've picked a few I am going to send my query to but would love some suggestions.

Life is amazing. Even with life's struggles like work and school, every day I'm happier and healthier than the day before.

Fuck you, bulimia - I'm done with you forever. You can do it too - do whatever it takes to get rid of it so you can begin living. My path isn't for everyone but is worth considering if you are where I was.

Finally, bulimia free

I'm free from the evil soul-sucking cancer known as bulimia.

I can't remember the last time I threw up. I've had a few spit ups ("productive burps" in LapBand talk) but throwing up is no longer a part of my life. Bingeing is no longer a part of my life. I did have two cookies two days ago and got a sugar rush off it, but it was like 1 percent of a full binge.

After 24 years of abnormal, unhealthy eating, I can finally say: I eat like a normal person. I can take food or leave it. There was cake at the office the other day and I had no interest in it. Before, I would have taken a large piece, snuck another later and then been totally preoccupied the whole day wondering how much more cake was left and when I could go get some more unnoticed.

To say I'm happy is the understatement of the century. I simply am living life to the fullest. It's amazing how free I am now to truly live my life. My mind is sharp and I can think about the things I need to talk about.

Maybe LapBand isn't going to work for everybody, but my experience PROVES that this disease is PHYSICAL. It is NOT a mental weakness! My bulimia was cured not by therapy, willpower, medication, a new diet or self-help books. It was cured by a medical procedure that changed my stomach. My stomach always thinks I'm full, and therefore, my brain no longer thinks I'm starving. It stopped sending out the signals to eat, eat, eat and fill up that stomach.

Life is amazing. I am so happy to be alive.

Everybody keep reminding yourself that what you're dealing with is a medical problem, not a mental one. Good luck and love to you all.

A new year, a new me

I am doing very well, still adjusting to this band. I had my first fill (tightening) on Thursday. Since then I've only been able to eat a small amount of food slowly. It's truly a different world for me, where throwing up will not be a part.

This blog needs to morph alongside me as I live a new life with my gastric band. I think I will expand the blog outward to a different kind of site that offers help and support for people with bulimia. What do you think?

I would love to hear some suggestions on creating a site that can help struggling bulimics. A place for news on bulimia and treatment. I know there are many bulimia blogs, and listing every blog would be a service. Maybe a message board too.

What do you think?