Starting over again

I've been doing really badly and I have a few ideas WHY.

Number one, I realized that this "love" I feel for C3 is exactly what I've been doing for many years: creating feelings of love for a male friend/acquaintance who does not like me while simultaneously beating myself up for not being good enough for him. This creates a romantic relationship (in my mind) that at the same time prevents me/keeps me safely away from having a romantic relationship with someone else (a real one in which the feelings are mutual). Now why do I do that? I have to admit the crush feelings are like a drug, an opiate numbing my emotional pain. But it's a terrible, pointless cycle which leaves me feeling worthless about myself. At the end of it all I'm literally starving for lack of love. Starving for love leads to overeating.

Number two, if I do not eat properly, I have no chance of eating properly. That is to say, unhealthy eating creates a starvation of my brain. I can't think normally, I can't eat normally, I can't feel normally, I can't relate normally, I can't function normally. Then it all begins again! When will I learn? Well I have learned.

Finally, I can't do this alone. I can't get better without professional and emotional help and support. I can get some emotional support but but I don't have any money, so how can I get professional support?

I love my cats, I hate my life

I just got home. I am sitting here with my cats. It is the first time all day I have felt love. They love me so much, they love me no matter what.

I am crying and it feels so good. It feels so good to cry.

I hurt. I really hurt.

I am angry at other people but I am angry at myself. I need to get angry at myself to change. There is a whole world out there for me.

I've really been struggling, struggling to find answers as to who I am and what I do... and why I do things I don't need to do and why I don't do things I need to do.

I am looking for the answers to so many questions. I don't know what is right and how to feel.

I need to start thinking practically. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...

God help me.