real committment to change

I was just reading a great blog by Michelle Hope and the entry from nearly one year ago is the announcement of her intentions to quit:

After 14 years of pretty intense bulimia, I'm giving it up. I don't say that lightly. I'm extremely addicted and feel I really need and depend on it to help me cope and keep me going through this life. But, recently I've realized I really need to stop...I've officially committed to the journey of recovery. And, it's scary as hell.

I think I am not officially committed and that is why I can't stop. It's like something I just say I will do, "yeah yeah I'll stop... tomorrow" yet it's not really real to me, you know?

Today was another waste, I went to sleep after my last entry and slept for 12 hours, and then followed that by stuffing myself and b/p twice. You know what, I will not write b/p anymore. I binged and purged twice. Ouch, that hurts to write. It's so shameful to write those words.

I need to go to a therapist. I need professional help.

Anyway I like this blog. I am reading her thoughts from exactly one year ago and I'm thinking, where do I want to be in one year? Do I want to be in the same place I am now? The same place I was one, two, three, four years ago? No. I want to be a different person. I want to be a recovered person, able to articulate how I rebuilt myself. To do that I need committment. I would like to make a statement like the one above, but I don't think it would be genuine. I really need to think and examine and open up my mind to all the thoughts that scare me...

goddamn it

I think I went almost a week without b/p. Tonight (well last night, look at the goddamn clock) I made myself b/p on a whole large pizza. I don't know why. I only have like $50 to my name and yet I blew half of it on pizza and soda??? (Why do I say "I made myself" as though I am somehow innocent amidst my complete and obvious guilt?).

I don't know why I can't stop. I don't know why... I want to exercise so much, but I don't. I don't understand.

I am going to be 30 in September. I told a friend that I am going to kill myself if I am not thin by then. I don't know if I was serious. I guess I feel that if I put enough pressure on me, that I absolutely HAVE to lose weight or else I will die, then I will. I need something to force me to stop because I am helpless to stop on my own. I think probably I will die from this somehow. What is the point of being alive when I'm so depressed all the time, I'm wasting all my intelligence and talent and potential because I am weak and unable to control myself around food. I wish I was at least an alcoholic or a drug addict, I think it would be less embarrassing and easier to admit. At least drugs can make you "heroin chic." There's no trendy "bulimia bloat" now is there?

I don't have any faith in counseling. The counselor I saw at my school clinic was very nice but she was fatter than me... so I could not be fully honest about how much I despise myself for being fat and how worthless it makes me to society because I did not want to hurt her feelings.

Well this is a depressing post. How is all this negative thinking helping me? It's not. I want to go on crying but I won't. I'm going to start over yet AGAIN. It's 6 am and I will make myself start my day and go through one whole day without fucking up. I WILL TRY AGAIN!

(By the way, this blog will have swearing. I need to express my pain and words like "goddamn mother fucking shit son of a bitch" are sometimes the right words to do just that.)

GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING BULIMIA I HATE YOU!

another bad day

I need to look like the girl in this ad...

I started off at least by going for a walk shortly after my last post! Then I went to class at 8:30 and came home and had some eggs for breakfast at 9:30. Then I made the terrible decision to lay down for ONE hour. I set my alarm for 11 a.m. Next thing I know it was 6 p.m. Oops.

Well it sucks but...

I will try again tomorrow.

I can't do anything else but try again.

I'm going to take some Exedrin PM to help me sleep. Maybe I can get up at a decent hour.

I need to work out, I need to lose weight. I feel like these are the only things that matter. Why can't I exercise? I really don't mind it. In fact I love the way it makes me feel. So why don't I do it? I guess I am just a lazy, lazy person and until I change this I am doomed to be fat.

what the hell is wrong with me

I am completely ruining my life and this bullshit recovery that is supposedly around the corner. I am all ready to change and so inspired to get better and start working out and sleeping and eating normally and everything regular people do. And yet here I am at 5 am, having slept yesterday until 6 pm because I was up until 3 am for two days in a row. WHY am I so lost... I'm ready to change and not be this way, but it's like I'm fighting myself. It seems like I'm subconsciously digging in my heels and resisting the very thing I truly want and need to do.

I just don't know why I am this way. Part of the reason I wanted to start this blog because I thought I would be all inspiring to the world by documenting my recovery. Well I'm sucking and the worst part is I don't get it.

what is it going to take to change?

I'm sad.

well I am staying up all night and I will try to go through the day and be tired by the time I should go to bed tonight.

had to say it was a good day

I slept about 6 hours last night... tonight I will sleep soundly. However I had a very happy day. I don't know why it was so happy... it just was.

I am still sniffling but it's almost gone. I hope I can exercise tomorrow. I NEED TO EXERCISE!

On the SF board a girl posted about wishing she had someone to take care of her and dote on her... I feel the same way. I wish I had someone to take care of me and guide me through the day. I wish I had someone to put me to bed at night and gently wake me up eight hours later. I wish I had someone who wasn't too busy to remember to serve me a good breakfast, and have a healthy snack or meal ready for me every two and a half hours. If I had this person or WAS this person, I wouldn't forget to eat and then suddenly realize I'm ravenous and go running to the nearest Chinese food buffet. Why do I want someone to do these things? Where is Mrs. Garrett, Mr. Belvedere or Charles to be in charge of me? I feel like such an irresponsibile loser that I struggle to do these tedious tasks like... properly feed myself.

An item from today's Regurgitated Headlines has to do with a new movie being shown at Sundance called "Thin" about four eating disorder patients in Florida. I'm sure it will be very uplifting and inspiring... NOT! It's not based on someone's Very Special script but is a documentary, so it's guaranteed to be a horrifying dreary piece of very real life. I think all the patients are anorexics who happen to throw up, but we'll have to wait till it's on HBO this spring to see if there are any bodacious bulimics.

You know maybe one day I will write a feel-good comedy about bulimia. EDs are tragic but at the same time they are 1% ludicrously hilarious, don't you think? I bet Lindsay "I never said what I said to that journalist who has it all on tape" Lohan would beat down the casting agent's door to be in that movie.

I weighed 193 again today, after weighing 191.5 yesterday. Then my scale said something it never did before: LO. I think I need a new battery unless it's to be continued and it spells SER tomorrow...

By the way, I have had 43 visitors. I think only about 1/3 are me!

dammit

Today was a terrible day... I didn't go to sleep until 4 am last night and decided to ditch the gym, ditch class and sleep until 2 pm. So of course I'm stuck awake right now. Why can't I just do what I set out to do?

They say it takes 21 days to either start or stop a habit. So, for the next 21 days, I'm challenging myself to go to bed at a good hour and get up early and live a full day. I really want to do that.

Today I ate pretty well, except for some crack balls at work and caramel popcorn after dinner.

I feel terrible.

a good day

I relaxed this weekend, but I cleaned today! I finally started on my messy room and made some good progress. Tomorrow I really feel I will be able to get up early and go to the gym before class. I am so happy I am only taking one class this semester... I think it will help me be less stressed and feeling a lot less anxiety.

I didn't work on my memoirs this weekend... I tried reading "Wasted" again by Marya Hornbacher, but I can't get into it. I never got very far last time. She is a good writer but I just can't relate to it, oddly enough.

By the way, I weighed again on my broken scale and it said 193, which is about right I think! I would be so happy if I can just get below 180, because I haven't been under there in a long time.

Time to watch Celebrity Fit Club!

yesterday's blog

This was from last night, but blogger was down and I couldn't post.

I started writing my memoirs. Doesn't that sound hilarious? Hee, hee. It certainly sounds odd but I think it will be extremely therapeutic. I jotted down a bunch of notes and then I went totally blank for like 10 minutes. Then I just started writing again and I realized, wow, even though I'm a good writer, it's still hard. Shock. I really need to just write more and more and continually challenge myself to be a better writer. I'm going to start by not only writing more, but reading more as well. I need to read some new authors desperately. I have tons of books so I usually read my favorites over and over. It's time to start with some new authors and new styles. Please give me some suggestions of your favorites.

I'm still sick but it's been downgraded to just a cold. I still don't have much of an appetite. So why oh why did I binge and purge TWICE today? First was on Chinese food for lunch and then later on about 5,000 crack balls. I didn't even want to! I can't believe how programmed it really is into my behavior. What a waste.

Well I will start my exercise program soon. Hooray!

PS I love him again... because I talked to him a few times today. He makes me happy.

crappity crap crap crap

I feel so dizzy. I slept almost all day yesterday thanks to Nyquil. Now I feel positively drunk and dizzy and blah... I have nothing worthwhile to say. I'm still hacking and sniffing but I feel better, despite the dizziness.

I did manage to get up yesterday to go to class in the freezing, freezing, freezing cold. Like the semester, the battle for my soul has begun. So far the Methodists are winning - they were smartly giving away free hot chocolate and apple cider, compared to the inedibile pamphlets offered by Christians on Campus (whatever demomination they are). I'm waiting for the religious sect that gives away Diet Mountain Dew... the Dew Disciples I will call them.

I postponed my appt today with the counselor because I'm sick. I like having lost my voice because people are sympathetic. Whenever I say I'm sick, I have a sneaking suspicion that people suspect me of faking. But since I sound like crap, everyone I talk to says "hope you feel better soon."

Today I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup from Subway with one million crackers and a whole bunch of crack balls at work (see picture).

I'm going to post more about the asshole I'm in love with. He's an asshole purely because he doesn't love me. That is his only crime. He is the sweetest, kindest, smartest and most gentle person I have ever met, and therefore I am sure he will never love me. I don't deserve him to love me, and I obsess over this fact almost as much as I obsess over him in general. But lately my love has been fading because of his lack of attention. I think that's actually quite healthy.

I forgot to mention I met a fantastic man the other day at the vet. Well I didn't really meet him as much as I saw him and petted his puppy a whole bunch. This guy had a very different look than most guys around here, ie, he looked intelligent and like he might be interested in something besides football. I don't think he looked me in the eye once however. I hate being invisible.

Speaking of, I need to start working out. I think tomorrow morning is too soon, unless I wake up completely cured.

I stumbled across another bulimia blog tonight. Actually, it's the blog of a bestselling author, and she is publically admitting to struggling with bulimia:

Post baby, I wrote a novel featuring a bulimic alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic, but I am a bulimic. Even so, I did not admit it to the many readers who asked. I could not bring myself to believe it. Fat women didn't have eating disorders, did they? I was more willing to admit I'd slept with a woman in college and based the lesbian character's love scenes on that than I was able to confess to having an eating disorder.

Read the whole thing at: Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez: La Queen Sucia

drunk on nyquil

I'm about to zonk out again from my latest dose of nyquil.... I just thought I would post to say for a good time, do a google image search for drunk.

I'm totally typing under the influence. You know what, I am such an attention whore. Today someone who saw my picture (not the blurry one I posted here, somewhere else) told me I was gorgeous. And that is the very best thing about today.

I took him off my buddy list.... he can see me but I can't see him. So now I won't be tempted to write him and try to chat. He doesn't love me, and that's OK. There's someone out there for me.

I'm asleep now.

frog in the blog

I've totally lost my voice and my throat hurts like hell! I am going to get some more soup. I wish I was home so I could have make myself some hot tea...

Tomorrow is the first day of school. I'm only taking one class this semester because I had such a terrible time last semester. I have a morning class on M,W, F. I was planning to start working out before my first class starts at 8:30. I don't think that will happen tomorrow...

Ooo I did a good thing today. I called the health center at school and made an appointment with the counselor I've seen off and on for the past two years. I want to start an eating disorder support group at our school (the biggest in the state and they don't have one, can you believe it??). It's also my personal belief that I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome from being teased as a fat child. I'm really serious. I think this totally traumatized me and my entire outlook. Could this be what is preventing me from moving on and getting in shape? I also decided to start writing my "memoirs" to see what I can remember about this period.

I don't have strep throat because I'm coughing too much and don't have a fever. It's bronchitis for sure which means they can't do anything about it, g'dang it. I will buy more Nyquil and sleep nicely tonight.

We have two items in today's bulimia news, which I will call Regurgitated Headlines from now on (cuz I'm clever like that). The first one is that New Zealand school girls are throwing up in groups. Apparantly one school has become extremely strict about monitoring its students' eating habits:

Nelson College for Girls had the worst incidence of students with eating disorders in the South Island and last year developed a rigid programme to deal with the problem, he said.
Girls were allowed at school only if their parents signed a form saying their child had eaten breakfast, and students had to leave school if they did not eat lunch, he said.

The other item is a bit cheerier. Felicity Huffman won a "Best Actress" Golden Globe last night for her role in TransAmerica! Felicity, who is the wife of William H. Macy and the kickass Lynette on Desperate Housewives and she is a former ED sufferer, as she said in one interview:

I suffered from bulimia and eventually it turned into anorexia. I never thought anyone would want me or accept me the way I was.

However, she evidently got better and looked gorgeous last night accepting her award. You go girl!

screwed by soup

Have you ever the terrible experience of opening up a can of your very favorite soup to discover you accidentally bought the wrong kind? That happened to me tonight. I hadn't eaten all day because of this cold and was really looking forward to the chicken noodle by Healthy Choice... but I had accidentally bought and opened garden vegetable. I have a few other cans of loser soup that have been in the back of the cupboard since I noticed they were the wrong kind, but I wasn't paying attention today. And the worst part was that the soup was really bad because it was infected with green beans! I had to eat some chocolate covered popcorn to get rid of the taste.

I didn't walk. I'm all achy and sick. Maybe tomorrow.

good drive, bad back

I drove and drove today...

My back is killing me now. However I did a lot of good thinking... I did eat at McDonalds though... It was not even worth it because the fries were cold and the McNuggets too dry. Damn you Ronald!

I love driving so much. If all my plans fail I will go to truck driving school. (As Kramer said, There's nothing sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a big rig.) I kept forgetting which exits I needed to look out for so I would think of it as a weight. Like, "I will never weigh 429 lbs. I can't imagine what it would be like to weigh 429 lbs." and presto I would have it memorized. See, I still have it memorized hours later!

well tomorrow I will walk if my cold is not much worse...

Edited to add: I have now had TWO comments from visitors. Amazing I am!

sick and tired but yet I feel better

I am getting sick. I have such a sore throat and am losing my voice.

but other than that I had a pretty good day. I drove and drove and drove and drove.... seven hours in all! I went to see Jason Mraz in concert. He is so funny. I cried twice because his voice and songs are so beautiful... It was worth driving seven hours... he inspires me so much. Some of his fans are scary/obnoxious, but most just seemed to adore him (like yours truly).

I didn't eat dinner. I have no appetite... I think it's the cold. Also my back hurts so much from all that driving. (But still, worth it!)

I will do lots more thinking on the way home.

this sucks

I'm so fat. I ate about 10 lbs of caramel, chocolate and cheese popcorn. My throat is starting to hurt, it feels like I was allergic to something I ate...

Why can't I bring myself to work out? I'm feeling depressed.... it's time for the downward slide to PMS again. I really need to get on the Seasonale. I don't have the $120 to pay for it yet.

I am sad.

I'm blue

I am suffering from unrequited love. I love someone who doesn't love me back and never will. At least it seems this is the case. I keep hoping it will change when I lose weight, but again, I can't do accomplish this superhuman feat. My heart is broken when I think about how he doesn't care, and he's one of my best friends so I can't just ignore him. I know I have to lose weight for myself, but it still hurts to think about him eventually finding someone else. I don't know necessarily that he is even right for me and I've never told him how I feel, but I just feel rejected already. Of course he couldn't like me - I'm too ugly, too much of a failure, blah blah.

Today was kind of a good day in that I again almost binged on Chinese buffet just because I want it so badly, but I decided against it. I wanted to go but I felt guilty about spending the money, since I'm really broke lately, plus I was feeling bad after again eating sugar cookies at the office. Plus I had peanut M&Ms - chocolate-covered crack balls. I had another frozen meal and some salad for dindin.

I didn't exercise today. I feel like a blob. Oh and I ate a large sandwich at Quiznos. I am a blob!

Check out this blog I found - this chick and I have the same birthday. http://mixedup.diaryland.com/

bulimia on the rise in South Africa... and in my bathroom!

I read an article that says some black South African women are starting to develop bulimia as they ditch traditional African beauty standards of fuller figures being idealized:

Eleven per cent of the students had "significant concerns about their body shape" or were identified as "possible cases of (the eating disorder) bulimia nervosa."

"These data indicate that there are signs of more realism concerning weight status among black female students. However, there are also signs of assimilation of Western cultural norms concerning body shape, eating attitudes and weight management," says the 1999 study, published two years later in the South African Journal of Psychology.

Similar trends have been noticed in the United States, where improved living standards have also come with psychological baggage, said Karen Charlton, a researcher at the Medical Research Council.

"In the United States the increase in eating disorders amongst Afro-Americans has been attributed to a rise in affluence and social status," said Charlton.

Today I ate my weight in sugar cookies at work. Why is it I feel like all the snacks I eat at work should be calorie-free simply because they're free? I went quite a few hours but I had to throw it up later, just because I felt so sick. It was such a relief. Then I wanted to go binge at the Chinese buffet but decided against it! yay! I was so tempted and I tried to talk myself out of it. But since the weather was so bleeping cold I didn't want to go out again, and that influenced my decision to stay home. I had a South Beach Diet frozen dinner which was really good... I told myself I had to have that, and if I still wanted to go to the restaurant after that I could. I ate slowly and drank a lot of water and then I really did feel full.

I have very little energy. It is one of those cases where I need to work out to have more energy, but I don't have energy to work out in the first place.

I need to remind myself that I MUST lose weight and I MUST get in shape this spring. There can be no more of these stupid slipups!

That quote feature rocks. I should splash up this blog with images but I'm too lazy right now.

good day today

I had a good day today except that I had three big sugar cookies! I also went to Starbucks for a frappuccino but they were all out :-( But I had more delicious salad for dinner... yummy! Who knew salad could taste so good? I have put corn, peas, kidney beans, tomatoes and chicken on top of lettuce with light raspberry vinagrette dressing.

I didn't exercise though... I watched Celebrity Fit Club 3 tonight... wow I love that show and I hate reality TV. It inspires me to go out and sweat.

h2overboard

I forgot to mention I'm trying to drink lots of water to fill myself up. Somehow I need to feel full or else I get anxious.

By the way I wrote "feel fool" instead and had to fix it...

I would like to be thin. Wouldn't it be so ironic if I cured myself of bulimia with anorexia? Of course that would never happen... how DO anorexics do it? That is the million dollar question.

too much dinner

I'm so full... I made a salad and it was pretty good but I ate too much, too fast. I have this desire to stuff myself full of food so I figure I will try stuffing myself full of healthy food and see how that goes. I did the same thing earlier with carrots. I bought some carrots sliced like potato chips and they are really good.

I think my scale is broken so I don't know if I will be weighing myself much. I was 192 and then I moved the scale and I was 186.

I was planning on going for a walk tonight but I am so stuffed that I can't move... it will be midnight before I can move again.

I had a bunch of profound thoughts earlier today but I forgot what they were. Maybe just that I need to eat healthy food, very often so I never get hungry... I'm going to start going to the gym at school too because it's free... I would like to try going three times a week, in the morning. Can you imagine if I could actually do it, how I would look at the end of the semester?

on the Something-Fishy board someone was talking about Lindsay Lohan and how having an eating disorder is becoming a celebrity "trend." I think celebrities are just in the spotlight more than the average people are, and so whatever they do gets attention, but to say it's a celebrity trend to is to ignore the problem as a whole. I hear things about certain jobs or sports being blamed for eating disorders (such as modeling, gymnastics, figure skating, etc) and it makes me kind of mad, because there are so many of us suffering who have never been models or athletes, or celebrities for that matter. For every suffering A list celebrity, there are a million other sufferers you'll never hear of.

in other words, our society as a whole is suffering, and celebrities and athletes are not immune to the problems of society.

tired, ate too much, but no binge

I'm exhausted, I'm about to fall asleep and I only woke up 12 hours ago. Anyway I ate too much today... I had about five of those magically delicious Ferrero Rocher hazelnut chocolate things at work. Mmm mmm good! Then I had nice sandwich/baked Lays combo at Subway and was feeling groovy when I decided to go buy two cookies. And since they are 50 cents each but three for a $1.25, I decided to "save money" and buy three, which I promptly stuffed in my face. Ugh ugh I have felt like crap ever since... and then I went and bought nearly $60 of healthyish food at the grocery store... I wanted to toss my cookies but didn't because I reminded myself how it was too late to do any good in terms of getting rid of the calories. Then a few hours later I was hungry again and had a frozen South Beach Diet dinner... they are really good by the way. It put me in the mood for Chinese and I almost went out to the buffet (favorite binge zone) but didn't. I talked myself out of it.... good for me.

I walked to work and back today. I don't know why I'm so dead... I feel like my legs are made out of lead instead of just a lot of fat.

Tomorrow I will walk again... OMG I'm so tired.

zzzzzzzz

iheartlohan

I haven't updated in awhile...

First off, I weighed myself a few days ago and I was 188, and then I weighed myself two days ago and I was 185. I think that's too low actually because I was around 190 and then ate like a pig during the holidays.

I just got back from a short walk, about 40 minutes. It was very nice and I did lots of thinking. I mainly thought about how important it is for me to be thin and how all these people who say looks don't matter are full of utter shit. I cannot be happy unless I am thin - is that a disease if I lose weight in a healthy way?

I ate too much today but I didn't binge. I ate three pieces of Russian chocolate - I hate Russian chocolate since it's so bitter, but I kept taking another piece in hope the next kind would be better. I gave up after three kinds... and then this evening I had a frappuccino! I have not had one in a long time.

Today's bulimia news is that Lindsay Lohan is admitting she was bulimic and that is the truth about why she got so skinny.

Ooooh ooooh I'm so excited, the Tyra Banks show is a repeat of the one where she wears the fat suit undercover... I wanted to see that one for months... I just randomly checked the TV guide and there it was. I saw the highlight where she cries about how mean people were to the fat her...

I'll post later.

hunger

So far I've had a good day. I woke up at 8 am and had a good breakfast with eggs... I had a turkey sandwich and chips for lunch.

I'm writing because I'm afraid I'm going to binge for no reason tonight. I need to look at the big picture. It will make a difference if I binge. It will make a difference if I don't binge. I need to eat a healthy dinner... ahhh why is something so simple seem so hard.

I guess I need to have a snack now and that is why I am suddenly spazzing about food. I will eat a hard boiled egg - protein will keep me full!

Happy New Year!

It's a new year and I've been catching up on sleep.... I slept soooo much on Friday, Saturday and Sunday (no wonder I'm awake at 4:30 am).

I am thinking about why I want to get better. If bulimia worked I think I would do it forever... but it doesn't work anymore. I would be like, ok b/p one more time won't make a difference, I'll start a diet/workout tomorrow. But it's not a neutral action, it makes me gain weight. And if my dream is to be thin then... I have to stop this.

I would like to be in good shape and have energy. I would like to drink lots of water and eat lots of fruit and vegetables. I would like to not have stomach aches. I would like to sleep normal hours and not be tired. I don't think this is too much to ask, is it?

Anyway I will also go back to therapy because I want to find out why something that seems so simple is so impossible for me...