After 14 years of pretty intense bulimia, I'm giving it up. I don't say that lightly. I'm extremely addicted and feel I really need and depend on it to help me cope and keep me going through this life. But, recently I've realized I really need to stop...I've officially committed to the journey of recovery. And, it's scary as hell.
I think I am not officially committed and that is why I can't stop. It's like something I just say I will do, "yeah yeah I'll stop... tomorrow" yet it's not really real to me, you know?
Today was another waste, I went to sleep after my last entry and slept for 12 hours, and then followed that by stuffing myself and b/p twice. You know what, I will not write b/p anymore. I binged and purged twice. Ouch, that hurts to write. It's so shameful to write those words.
I need to go to a therapist. I need professional help.
Anyway I like this blog. I am reading her thoughts from exactly one year ago and I'm thinking, where do I want to be in one year? Do I want to be in the same place I am now? The same place I was one, two, three, four years ago? No. I want to be a different person. I want to be a recovered person, able to articulate how I rebuilt myself. To do that I need committment. I would like to make a statement like the one above, but I don't think it would be genuine. I really need to think and examine and open up my mind to all the thoughts that scare me...
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