this sucks

I'm doing terrible.

I hurt my back again really badly and this time I can barely walk. I'm really becoming depressed.

I am gaining about 2-3 lbs per week, no lie. I now weigh 213!!! Ahhh! Maybe I could have weight loss surgery.

I'm so depressed........ I'm taking my medication but still I feel very depressed.

a tad mad and sad... but mostly glad

So anyway I wanted to bring up how on Tuesday I had a meeting with my boss about all this stuff that was going on (aka my wanting to quit, lack of motivation, etc). I had felt much better anyway because I had slept it all off Monday night and had decided to change my attitude before I talked with him anyway.

Anyway he basically told me that nobody at work likes me anymore! He said "everybody used to like you, in fact everybody who meets you likes you a lot at first, but then they start to resent you" because I miss too much work and sleep too much. Can you believe that? I was pretty shocked to hear that but I've been thinking about it the past few days.

And you know what? FUCK THEM! Fuck them up the ass with cactus plants. I seriously don't even WORK with most of them. It's a small company so they know if I'm not there, but if I didn't go to work for a month straight it would have no effect on their work load, their hours, their pay, etc. Our jobs are totally different and require completely different skills. Additionally, their work is mostly manual labor and requires little to no education or training. I could learn to do what they do in one day. In fact, people learn it in one day. My job involves about 500 skills requiring research, technology and software knowledge and they could never learn how to do it in 10 years. Also, they get paid by the hour, and I know for a fact that they screw around instead of working and fudge their time cards.

Anyway that's not the point. The point is, my boss is the only one I really need to worry about liking me and feel bad about disappointing. He understands my situation, he knows about my bulimia and depression and is endlessly patient. I feel bad about letting him down for so long and I have. However I don't owe my coworkers (I'm talking about the ones I don't actually work with) jack shit.

I used to really care what these people though because some of them I thought were my friends. However, I think they have shown themselves to be not true friends. Seriously, who am I hurting by living a depressed and disordered life? ME! I am literally killing myself. And they are resentful? Give me a fucking break. Talk about petty.

The point is... there are people in life who are your true friends. One day when I am better, and I WILL get better, I will be able to thank a few people for standing by me and supporting me through it all. My boss for one.

As I was sitting here thinking about all these people, I felt such a feeling of happiness come over me. I realized that despite the petty people, I have a group of people who do NOT make me feel like crap. They know me and my shortcomings, and even if I drive them crazy or disappoint them, they still make me feel good when I am around them. I am so grateful for that and these people. It feels me with warmth.


But the main thing to realize is... you don't owe anyone anything! You owe it all to yourself first. The whole world is out living their lives and even if people are disappointed in you or worried by your behavior, you shouldn't care if you are not worried about YOURSELF. Bulimia is caused by and thrives on low self-esteem. It is the epitome of low self-esteem to be worrying about other people's thoughts and feelings about how you abuse yourself physically and mentally. Think about that for awhile - it's ludicrous!

Anyway I don't care anymore about those fucktards and it feels so good. And at the same time, it does make me see how there are people who DO have a right to complain about my not working hard, e.g., the people I actually work with. I feel bad about that and want to try to make amends.

I need to write a book. Do you guys think any of this stuff I spew is actually helpful? It's helpful to me at least.

break on through

I didn't sleep at all on Sunday night and was super stressed out all day Monday. You know when you're sleep deprived and it's kind of like a dream? I was really mad and resentful... but the weirdest thing happened. I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling fantastic. All my anger was gone and I didn't care anymore! It was like everything came into focus. I see now I was stubbornly refusing to fix my problems and change. Changing my life was absolutely not going to happen. Now I feel like like it is absolutely not NOT going to happen!

I was spending so much time thinking about what people think about me and being accepted... being good enough. And resenting everybody for my unhappiness. When I woke up... all that was gone! I don't care what people think! I totally don't care!

How did this happen? I don't know except I'm guessing I blew an overloaded fuse. I really think you do have to let go, but I don't know how to tell you guys to do that. I think you have to start caring less about other people and allow yourself to imagine life without them. You realize other people are living their lives and you are not and what that truly means.

Ok, I also think the combo of uninterrupted Prozac and Seasonale is having its impact. You can't heal a broken bone without a cast to stabilize it.

you know you haven't blogged in awhile when...

when blogger asks you for your username/password. Sorry.

Someone awhile back posted a really good comment. They asked something like, why is it that you binge? What are you missing in your life? Is it lack of activity?

I have decided that yes, of late it is definitely lack of activity. My life is currently so dull that food is literally THE most exciting thing that can happen to me.

School and work keep me busy and challenged, but it's not exciting. I don't have any close friends nearby. I would like to be dating someone, but I'm trapped in this fat cycle instead. I haven't even bothered to put on makeup or make my hair look nice in months.

So what do I do to create excitement in an otherwise dull existance?

I would really like to make exercise exciting and appealing. How do I do that?