So anyway I wanted to bring up how on Tuesday I had a meeting with my boss about all this stuff that was going on (aka my wanting to quit, lack of motivation, etc). I had felt much better anyway because I had slept it all off Monday night and had decided to change my attitude before I talked with him anyway.Anyway he basically told me that nobody at work likes me anymore! He said "everybody used to like you, in fact everybody who meets you likes you a lot at first, but then they start to resent you" because I miss too much work and sleep too much. Can you believe that? I was pretty shocked to hear that but I've been thinking about it the past few days.
And you know what? FUCK THEM! Fuck them up the ass with cactus plants. I seriously don't even WORK with most of them. It's a small company so they know if I'm not there, but if I didn't go to work for a month straight it would have no effect on their work load, their hours, their pay, etc. Our jobs are totally different and require completely different skills. Additionally, their work is mostly manual labor and requires little to no education or training. I could learn to do what they do in one day. In fact, people learn it in one day. My job involves about 500 skills requiring research, technology and software knowledge and they could never learn how to do it in 10 years. Also, they get paid by the hour, and I know for a fact that they screw around instead of working and fudge their time cards.
Anyway that's not the point. The point is, my boss is the only one I really need to worry about liking me and feel bad about disappointing. He understands my situation, he knows about my bulimia and depression and is endlessly patient. I feel bad about letting him down for so long and I have. However I don't owe my coworkers (I'm talking about the ones I don't actually work with) jack shit.
I used to really care what these people though because some of them I thought were my friends. However, I think they have shown themselves to be not true friends. Seriously, who am I hurting by living a depressed and disordered life? ME! I am literally killing myself. And they are resentful? Give me a fucking break. Talk about petty.
The point is... there are people in life who are your true friends. One day when I am better, and I WILL get better, I will be able to thank a few people for standing by me and supporting me through it all. My boss for one.
As I was sitting here thinking about all these people, I felt such a feeling of happiness come over me. I realized that despite the petty people, I have a group of people who do NOT make me feel like crap. They know me and my shortcomings, and even if I drive them crazy or disappoint them, they still make me feel good when I am around them. I am so grateful for that and these people. It feels me with warmth.
But the main thing to realize is... you don't owe anyone anything! You owe it all to yourself first. The whole world is out living their lives and even if people are disappointed in you or worried by your behavior, you shouldn't care if you are not worried about YOURSELF. Bulimia is caused by and thrives on low self-esteem. It is the epitome of low self-esteem to be worrying about other people's thoughts and feelings about how you abuse yourself physically and mentally. Think about that for awhile - it's ludicrous!
Anyway I don't care anymore about those fucktards and it feels so good. And at the same time, it does make me see how there are people who DO have a right to complain about my not working hard, e.g., the people I actually work with. I feel bad about that and want to try to make amends.
I need to write a book. Do you guys think any of this stuff I spew is actually helpful? It's helpful to me at least.
5 comments:
Hey Mandy - I went through a very tough work period as well a couple weeks ago, where a few people got really mad at me, and "everyone" was talking about me. Unlike you, however, I allowed it to derail me completely! After about a week of feeling absolutely horrible about myself, I finally did some serious work on removing the OLD, CHILDHOOD irrational beliefs that got brought up and that overwhelmed me when I learned that people were seriously and irreversably pissed at me.
I'll be much stronger when this happens again in the future. But, I have to say that I really admire your attitude through all of this. You continue to keep a good head and good, rational, reasonable expectations about it all. I'm super impressed with you.
And, yes, your writing is helpful to people. And, yes, you should keep on writing, and yes, perhaps someday write a book if your heart is in it.
Love and respect always,
Michelle
Mandy.
OK first off I love the expression FUCKTARD..made me laugh! Secondly, of course you should write a book. I think that is a great idea. and good for you for not letting people push you around:)
Esp
You don't need to care what you're coworkers think. Just know that whatever your mistakes are, they only hold you back, and I'm sure you're boss can see that. Anyone else is probably too bored and can butt out.
That last part was soo right and completely helpful, about bulimia originating from and thriving on low self esteem. Maybe the self esteem wouldn't be so low if we weren't so constantly so concerned with how other people regard us. I know that creates huge anxiety in me and holds me back.
You are somehow persistent enough to continue your job and school. The problem has got to be finding a better outlet for your frustration. Or a more enjoyable outlet for it than eating. That is what I'm still needing, but I think you will find something if you keep looking!
You shouldn't take the words your boss offers you to heart. You really don't know what the other workers feel about you -- the ones you describe as less than you because of their job title and less intellect required than your job --. Your intellect at this time is not thinking you out of your depression or bulimia. Those workers may be struggling with battles as you are or maybe even worse.
Your perception is very ill right now as anyone with a food disorder. I know how manipulative us bulimics can get, seeing that everyone is out to get us. Our perceptions run dark, and you know, self pity gets us no where in the end. Resentment will be the ultimate end, just beware of this.
Many times when other people piss us off it is because there is deep truth in it. Take what you want and leave the rest, but don't hold onto it. In the end it is destroying your existance.
I pray that you will allow your soul to evolve, and give yourself a chance to be the beautiful person you were born to be. You sound like you have a lot of fight in you, this is a very good thing. Learning to direct it in the correct fashion is the challenge.
May Peace be with you.
I agree with SoberChick. And if you DO want to write a book someday, you should probably try to make yourself a little more likeable and not make comments about how you are so much better and more capable than uneducated others.
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