Sharapova wins in straight sets

I don't know what's wrong with me... but I don't care! because does it matter why? I've been in such a funk, not wanting to work out and eating everything in sight. I've also been feeling sorry for myself a bit. Today C3 was showing me photos on his computer and in his photo directory, I saw a folder of pics of sexy tennis babe Maria Sharapova!!! No wonder! There is no way he could think I'm attractive if that is his ideal woman. Well I really felt bad for myself... for about 5 minutes.

I feel terrrrrrrible. So tired and bloated and just miserable. I wanted to order pizza tonight but I didn't... because enough! I have the power to stop this thing and be the person I want to be.

I will try to have a good weekend. I want to feel strong and energetic and good about myself.

but I learned something today...

well I had a bad weekend. I'm in a great mood and doing really well supposedly, yet I'm bingeing up a storm. I figured out why.... I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!! I need the excitement. I find myself looking forward to bingeing and getting all excited. I don't have any other exciting activities planned. I find myself actually looking forward to watching Law & Order and CSI reruns. How about if I plan on going to the gym instead? I need to find something else to entertain me. I need to try something that doesn't let me eat ice cream at the same time.

well at least I am trying to examine my behavior... I didn't want to post here but I made myself. I'm so exhausted. I mowed the lawn on Saturday for the first time this spring and I am so sore. It took me like 15 minutes of yanking to start the thing. Now my right arm is totally sore.

I need to find a hobby. I wish I had a dog.

bloggity blog blog

I feel great! By some miracle I was able to get out of bed this morning after only three hours of sleep. I was staying up late watching South Park episodes I'd already seen. Actually it is a miracle that I woke up because I turned off my alarm apparantly at 7:20, because I only remember waking up suddenly at 7:55. I was able to get to my 8:30 class by 8:45 (she takes roll at 8:50, yeehaw!) and we even had a quiz. Phew. By the way I can't have another unexcused absence in this class, because I already have two and you fail if you have three...

I tried to take a nap around lunchtime but I couldn't fall asleep...

ok so I have some questions to answer from my audience (aka guest book commentators)...

Question #1 comes from Emily! "What kinds of emotions came up for you when you watched the show? Did it encourage you to overcome your ED?"

This show didn't bring up that many emotions, because I didn't identify much with the girl. Actually I never usually identify with women I see on shows like these. I was able to separate myself from her because of our differences and thought the cliched "Oh I'm not like THAT." Like these women on both CSI (fiction) and Intervention (reality) both had anorexia. Meanwhile I'm not "good enough" or "strong enough" to be anorexic. (I put that in quotes because I know that's silly, but I still feel that way!) And they also used laxatives, which I don't. I suppose I would use laxatives, as gross as they are, if they actually worked but they don't so why bother.

Actually I saw a previous episode of Intervention that had a bulimic who was not anorexic. But she was married with kids already, so I couldn't identify with her because "I'm not like THAT." I supposed I would have to see someone exactly in my situation before I could identify.

I also suppose I don't have that many emotions about bulimia. It just is. I mean it's an issue obviously, but I never, ever, ever cry over it. I suppose I'm pretty disconnected from it... maybe I need to connect to it somehow to really recover.

Ok question #2 comes from Esperanza! It's about my Crushy Crush Crush, aka C3. "What you need to ask yourself is: is this guy good enough for me? Is he stable enough? Secure enough? Smart enough and stong enough to handel a woman like me?"

Yes, he totally has his act together. He is smarter than me and just the sweetest, cheeriest, most generous guy I know. He's basically perfect and very successful. Of course nobody is perfect I realize, and the only question is if he's perfect for me. I don't meet that many guys I like so he's definitely magnified in my world. For sure he loves, loves, loves me as a friend. I think he doesn't like me because I don't have my crap together, and I'm not pretty enough or feminine enough. I don't want to analyze him to death (what if he one day finds this site? ahhhh!) because I recognize that it's not healthy. He's a great person but regardless, the problem is I see him as unattainable until I Finally Lose Weight(TM). So in that way he is exactly the same as all the others. The perfect guy is part of the success package I believe I will get when I Finally Lose Weight.

I don't know how I can make losing weight NOT the most important thing in my life. I need to get rid of the desperation I feel surrounding it. Why can't I just approach nutrition and weight loss from a scientific and logical perspective, instead of an emotional one?

well I guess this is a pretty good blog entry... thanks for those questions.

I rode the bike for 30 min today super slowly... I don't have enough energy after three hours of sleep. Also I ate really well too, except for some peanut M&Ms... my eternal foe!

starting... slowly

Well I had a good day today and yesterday, kind of. I have no energy! I rode the bike for 20 min and that's it. But I feel committed to starting again.

I started taking the Seasonale on Sunday and I am so horny! I cannot get sex off my brain. I don't know why it's so bad. C3 is making me crazy. Whenever I talk to him I'm tempted to start rubbing him all over... His body is fantastic. Argh I need a boyfriend!

well I am going to go to bed early tonight and get up early in the morning. At least that is the plan!

thanks for the kick in the ass

I will start AGAIN tomorrow.

Today I picked up the Seasonale at the drug store and started it today too... It cost $145, can you believe it?! So damn expensive. But it should be worth it... I guess I'll know it is working when I don't have to clean my ear's anymore.

Tonight I watched that show "Intervention" on A&E. They had a girl who was bulimic and anorexic. She chewed and spit out her food. While that sounds like a "great" idea, I think I could not be satisfied that way.

And tonight I watched a CSI rerun and it featured this model who was anorexic and bulimic too. Wow what a theme for tonight.

By the way, the CSI and the Law & Order franchises are ruining my life. Law & Order has been my favorite show for years. That was OK because I hardly watch TV. Just Law & Order and the occasional HBO series like Sopranos or Sex & The City. But now Law & Order has expanded its reach with three spinoffs. I just got into CSI too. I have to catch up on all the years I've missed. It's on so many channels that I am sometimes forced to choose which show to watch based on the description. I think they need to have an all L&O and CSI cable network so I don't have to choose. I'm positively addicted to all these shows. Maybe I'll end up on Intervention...

I'll post later today how I do. I promise I will really try to make it a good day.

trying to find motivation again

I'm trying to find motivation to get better again. I don't know why, it seems like I forgot WHY I need to get better and why I can't keep doing this whole bulimia thing. Somebody remind me why I need to go to the gym and eat healthy.

I'm sorry, I'm tired, my brain is broken.

I need a kick in the ass to get started.

what a difference a day makes

I can't believe it... I woke up Thursday with so much energy and everything is great again. My period is gone and I'm a happy person. I need to get my ass back in the gym and work hard not because I was bad, but because I love working out and feeling like an athlete.

I would like to grow up now

I had a dream last night that I reunited with some friends from high school, including a guy that I had a huge crush on. I had such a crush on him that I was literally speechless whenever he was around, and I never once had a meaningful conversation with him. I have a dream every so often about him where we hang out now and he gets a chance to see I'm not a dork. It's not like I still wish I could be with him and I'm sure he's a total loser now anyway. I remember seeing his name in the paper a few years after high school for a DUI. But still it's always a really nice dream and I wake up feeling kind of wistful.

I think I need to act more like a grown up. For some reason I am afraid to be an adult, independent and standing on my own. I need bulimia for this reason. It lets me act like a child, immature and irresponsible. I think it's time to move forward.

Well my cramps are almost gone but I still feel very nauseous, especially because of how I've been sleeping (bad hours) and eating (everything in sight). I will try to do something meaningful today exercise-wise...

by the way C3 said he didn't know I was really sick. So I forgive him for not checking up on me I suppose...

picking up and trying again

someone posted that fucking up is part of the recovery process. Part of it. I have to believe that. I was so doing so great and I can do great again. I will try again... and not give up next time.

My stomach hurts so much right now. I don't want to hurt anymore. I have less than six months until I'm 30. I hate how fast time is going.

thanks for reading my blog.

I hate everything and everybody

well not really but it feels like that. I finally got my period and it hurts so bad. I won't be missing it once I start El Seasonale. And I got really sick on Sunday with some kind of stomach flu. I had to go to the urgent care and they gave me a shot that killed like a motherfucker. Usually shots don't hurt but this was a bitch! It is a terrible flu and the strange thing was that it made me throw up. It was strange because I haven't thrown up for real (ie, not self-induced) in like 10 years maybe. Oh my god, it was terrible! It hurt so bad and it was so scary and so disgusting! It was nothing like bulimic throwing up which is so much more controlled and "normal." Or maybe I'm just used to it. Anyway I wonder if non-bulimics think bulimics are crazy because they think we go through this terrible experience on purpose. Self-induced vomiting is not that attractive of course but it is NOTHING like this regular puking that you can't control.

Well I am very sad. It has been three days since I got the flu and C3 has not called or stopped by to see how I am doing. I am glad in a way because it shows me he is not my dream man like I thought. These eye openers happen for a reason.

but I'm sad anyway. I wish I had real love.

depressed

I'm depressed. I hope it goes away soon. I still have cramps but no period yet... I feel a bit better today though than I did yesterday and Thursday.

I am so happy I have a week off from school. Even though I'm only in one class, I really hate it. I had a paper due Friday at noon and guess what time I started it? 10:30. As in 10:30 AM and not PM the night before. Not only that, but I had to actually physically bring the paper to school. I am sure I got a bad grade but I don't even want to think about it right now. I will have to come back and kick ass the rest of the semester if I want to pass this class.

Anyway sorry I'm not spreading cheer... Hopefully this will be a good week. I plan to do some gardening which will be some good exercise.

love from me

salam alekum!

There is someone reading my blog from Saudia Arabia! I wonder if the person is Saudi or American or what? Please write and let me know. How eating disorders happen in different cultures fascinates me.

I love looking up who is reading this blog and the searches they used to find me. Some random recent searches include:

• "bulimia and frappuccino"
  
• "i am a bulimic who is too lazy to throw up"
  
• "drunk on nyquil"
  
• "My boobs are so big that"
  

I just loooove that that last one brings you to this sexy page! Woohoo!

I'm sorry I didn't post much this week but I've had computer probs. They're solved now... and I'm sorry to report I've been bingeing and purging up a storm. I just can't stop eating. I swear it is the PMS, I don't want to be full of excuses but this just has to be a serotonin thing.

To answer the question left in my comments, Seasonale is a birth control pill that lets you have only four periods a year (or none if you choose). There does not seem to be any medical benefit to having a period other than letting you know you're not pregnant. Some doctors believe that women are having too many periods throughout their lifetime now and it's not good for their bodies. I truly believe that too, because in earlier days women would be getting pregnant earlier and be pregnant or nursing constantly, and thus, only average one or two periods a year. Now women have 13 periods a year for decades and decades.

Anyway I took Seasonale a few years ago because my period pain was so severe they thought I had endometriosis. I really liked it and it really did work for me, but I stopped taking it because it was so expensive ($120 for three months' supply). I just thought I could fight through it if I was more careful but I can't take it anymore. Look at what a different person I am than I was 10 days ago.

By the way, do you know what it is odd, when I took Seasonale I never had any earwax. It literally stopped appearing. I couldn't find anything about it when I googled this, except for one thing that said a certain type of ear wax was related to a certain type of breast cancer. So maybe it is a hormonal/estrogen thing?

Someone also left me a comment asking if I ever thought about writing a book. Yes!!! I've made a few mentions of a book earlier. But you know, I first have to figure out how to fix myself. Who would buy a book that offers no solution or personal success story? Would you buy a book where every chapter was titled "I suck"?

never been so happy about cramps

but the quicker my fucking period comes the quicker it will go and I can go on the Seasonale. I saw the Seasonale commercial like four times today and it pisses me off. Not for any reason except that it pisses me off. I do think it's kind of creepy, all the white and then the random bright pink (Hey I just wrote "brink," a combo of bright and pink. I invented a new word. I rule!) to represent that your world would be much less covered in fuschia blood if you take these pills.

By the way I have pure hatred for every woman in feminine-product ads and commercials. I resent that their world is apparantly one big trampoline. I also hate that there is always a happy bouncy white woman, a happy bouncy black woman and a happy bouncy Asian and/or Latina woman. I guess the ad people want to drive the point home that the product works for all vaginas.... except for Eskimo vaginas. You never see them. They would be perfect for the ads, with all the white everywhere, don't you think?

So I've been eating so much. I am soooo, soooo, soooo hungry. It's like it's impossible to be full. I kept busy today, I didn't go to the gym but I did lots of cleaning so that makes me feel much better. Having a mess around really contributes to depression.

I looked for a nice appropriate Seasonale logo to go with this blog. I was not satisfied with any of the pictures and logos that came up when I image-googled "seasonale." However, this picture did come up. This is supposedly Dre. Sylvie Dodin, who is, according to the page, a female French gynecologist. However, I'm a little suspicious. I think I've stumbled across the Tootsie of gynecologists. When Dr. Dodin (sans e) discovered he was losing potential patients to female doctors, he put on a wig and some foundation and voila! Madame Dre. Dodin. I am extra satisfied with this explanation because I don't understand why any sane woman would choose to be a gynecologist.

I'm so happy I cleaned. It's so nice to go to bed when everything is nice and clean and the sheets are freshly washed...

well today sucked

Terrible day. I slept in until 3 pm! I'm a loser! Which means I have to stay up all night because I have a big article due tomorrow. And then I went to the Chinese buffet and binged and purged... I still feel so lethargic. I can't start the Seasonale until Sunday after my period starts... which will be pretty soon judging by the way I'm feeling. I'm tired of this crap. I was doing so well... I want to go back and exercise like last week but I have no energy. I feel like I fell down a hole.

someone shoot me...

blah

Definitely falling into PMS mode... I was so busy at work today I didn't get my prescription. I feel so lethargic and crappy. I managed to do like 25 min easy on the bike and then 15 min easy walking.

blah blah blah blah blah
look how I get... I need to get the Seasonale ASAP!!!!!!! It helped me so much before.

Fat Tuesday

Today didn't get off to a good start. I was so dead this morning that I couldn't get up, and slept until 11. Not good but I'm happy to say I think it's been awhile since I slept that late on a weekday. I also ate a bunch of junk, a few sugary cookies and pieces of a giant chocolate chip cookie thing. By the way, it made me feel sooooo sick when I ate it. Maybe it was just too sugary. I still had another piece later. Yuck!

Anyway I was really in a pissy mood tonight. I was annoyed about something at work, but I think I'm turning the corner into the second half of the month, aka, beeeotch PMS time. Tomorrow is payday so I will go refill my prescription to Seasonale so no more periods. I can't have this disruption.

Tonight after work I managed to go to the gym, though I only got 20 min in because it was closing. I had so much energy, it felt really good.

Anyway I'm really sore from those lunges, and my triceps are also really sore. And also I think I hurt my wrist doing push ups yesterday. I get this sharp pain down the side of my forearm when I try to bend it. I want to take a class tomorrow but I won't put any weight on my wrist.

This morning I was tempted to weigh myself, "just to see." But I really don't want to because I know it doesn't matter. I think in the past I have weighed myself as punishment, like, "If you see how fat you are, it will inspire you to eat better and work out." But that's never actually worked... it's just been a number that is stuck in my head.