looks do matter motherfuckers

The most important thing is that I lose weight. That is it. That is the key to my happiness and anyone who says differently doesn't know me or is full of shit. I'm tired of hearing "oh looks don't matter" from hypocrites who judge people on their looks. They may not realize they're doing it, but they do it just the same, and I've seen it.

We're supposed to have this PC, granola outlook on life where looks don't matter. People tell their children that, friends tell friends that. Well it's not doing anybody any good to pretend fantasy is reality. Looks DO matter. People should tell their children, "The world will judge you on your looks so take care of your appearance."

I'm not saying looks are the ONLY thing that matter. You absolutely have to have something to back them up - talent, personality, heart, etc. But if you're fat or ugly, you're not going to get the same shot or same treatment an attractive person will get. You'll be at a disadvantage.

Yesterday in my class we had a speaker who is a local TV reporter. She looks about 30 but is only 23. She is an absolute twig, just tiny. I'm talking size 0 tiny. She said she lost 25 lbs because she had to look the part. She also had to relax and press her hair (she's black). She said "yes, some people think I'm a sellout but I'm doing what I love, I'm able to tell the stories that need to be told, and to get here I HAD to make sacrifices and change myself." She said also that the lifespan of her career in front of the cameras will be another 10-15 years, tops. People don't want to hear these things, but it's reality.

I don't think I'm a shallow person for wanting to be thin or even saying outright that I will never be happy until I lose weight. Losing weight WILL be a success story for me. I'm just tired of caring about all these other things and other people when my happiness is not dependent on any of those things or people.

If I didn't care how I looked or how much I weighed then I could recover from bulimia in one second. But I have to factor in my desire to lose weight at the same time. In fact I am going to use it as motivation to recover, because I know that I can never lose weight living this way. The bulimia cycle is not a path to thinness and will only keep me fat and miserable.

Have I said all this stuff before? I don't remember...

I've been doing crappy

blah blah blah blah blah blah... that is how I feel. It's not depression it's just... I don't know what's wrong with me except it feels a bit like PMS. I'm still taking the Seasonale so I don't knnow what's up with that. Maybe it's a period anyway. I've been having cramps, insatiable hunger, feeling pissed off AND I got a cold sore (which means mega hormones).

I shouldn't make excuses. I want to get better and find a different life. I know I have the strength to do it somewhere. Thank you to those who write here that they believe in me... it gives me the strength.

what's wrong with me

I've been doing terribly. Totally destructive and out of control. Why? I don't know. I think it was a combination of forgetting to take the Prozac for about a week and this bland BRAT diet. Bad combination.

I just have to try again.

Tomorrow I willl see the nutritionist. I will have to confess I've been doing terribly.

I'm sorry.

you'll never guess what :-)

The professor allowed me to take the final :-) The teacher's assistant emailed me on Sunday and said the professor was a very nice and understanding person. I can't believe it. Anyway I took it this morning! I got a B on it, which means I should get a C in the class. (I got a D on the first test, an A on the second test, an A on all four papers but like a D average on my quizzes... oops). Wow.

I'm happy I don't have to retake the class, but I'm also happy that I had time to freak out and examine myself. It was really a breakthrough for me to realize how I was not in control, and to contrast that to how fucking pissed off I was a few weeks ago by something work related that was out of my control went wrong. I had a great couple of days, I really feel strong.

everything happens for a reason

today was a remarkably good day. After the shock of last night, it sunk in slowly today that this ridiculous mistake I made can serve a bigger purpose. I'm not an idiot, so the fact that I would do something so stupid shows me that I am not in control of my life. Bulimia is in control of my life, still. And it's in charge because I let it be in charge.

At first I was hoping that there would be some miracle and the professor's assistant would email me back (I sent her some frantic emails) and say it was ok, that I could take the final next week or just write five papers or something. But I never heard from her... and I realized that I didn't deserve to get a second chance. The way I acted was so irresponsible and so inappropriate at the university level that I don't even deserve a response. Virago left me a comment suggesting I level with the professor about my problem, mentioning how she has always found the school to be so supportive when she's explained her health situation...then she added "i could even take advantage of it too much sometimes." Well I don't want to take advantage of it anymore, because I definitely have in the past. In the past three years, I've turned in doctor's notes to three professors saying I have a medical problem and to please consider that in my final grade. (And it "worked" two out of the three times, I got As in the class when my point total was actually a C.) Well I don't want to do that because that is just crap. I don't want a doctor's note for an excuse, I don't want any excuse. I want to be me and do what I am capable of, and that is A-level work!

Tonight I also went to C3's commencement. (Of course he graduated with "highest distinction" summa cum laude whatever because he's Mr. Perfect.) It was terrific and helped me form this epiphany. Well first off I felt a little bit sad afterwards because I don't feel close to him at all and I'm not in any way talking romantically. I feel like we have so much in common that we should be great, close friends and we are such great surface friends but there is just something not connecting. But that's that and I can't force a friendship, so, onto the main point. The keynote speaker mentioned going after your dreams, pursuing your goals, etc about a million times. It occurred to me that my only dream is to be thin. My only goal is to be thin. How empty my life is, how devoid of direction. Dreams of writing a book or a screenplay are inside me somewhere, but I don't give them any attention. I once had the dream of being a veterinarian but I never went forward with it because it got buried by the dream of being thin. I dream about what it will be like to be thin and how amazing that will be, because then everybody will love me and I will be so beautiful and so happy. That is my only dream and goal in life. I think something called logic is now knocking on my head saying, "Hello! McFly?!" What a ridiculous waste of a brain and life and soul.

I still feel very guilty and embarrassed, but what can I do about it. So I enrolled for the same class next semester. Fortunately there were a few spots left. And it's only once a week in the evenings instead of three times a week at 8:30 am! So hopefully it won't be bad.

I'm doing ok with this BRAT diet the last few day. I have not really cheated, except to put ketchup on my white rice. A quart of steamed white rice from the Chinese food place is only 80 cents, a lot less than the $6.50 I paid for my favorite house special fried rice.

I still feel a lot of pressure to lose weight. I saw some new pictures of me (whole body) from two weeks ago and I cannot believe that that is me. I do not feel like I look like that. I don't understand why I can't accurately judge my reflection! It's only in pictures that I can see myself.

You know what, I also have a new dream. I want to do something to help people with eating disorders. I don't know what I can do. I want to start a support group at school if I can.

I'm a total complete MORON

so I've been studying for Friday's final exam for the past few hours... I stopped to check the syllabus really quick to make sure I was reading all the right chapters. Then it jumped out at me:

May 11 FINAL EXAM, 10:30 A.M. - 12:30 P.M.

Yes... May 11 as in THURSDAY as in TODAY as in I fucking missed it because I didn't know it was going on.

I don't know how I can be so stupid. I don't know what I'm going to do.

MUCH MUCH better!

I'm doing much better, thank god. I don't know what changed. Everything just seemed to pass! Hooray!

thanks for the support and wishes... I am feeling better. I can't remember if I wrote about the BRAT diet. It's bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. The doctor put me on it because I'm having a lot of stomach problems. They think it is my gallbladder. All I know is, if I eat anything else besides those foods, I feel totally sick.

I'm sadly excited about this gallbladder thing. I really love having a "real" sickness I can talk about to people, isn't that pathetic? Plus I feel like I might have a chance of sticking with a healthy eating plan if it's doctor ordered.

untitled

I'm not doing any better. In fact I'm doing worse. I feel like I'm falling into deep depression. I don't even care about C3 anymore.

I just don't know how to fix myself...

so upset

I'm so upset because I got chewed out by my boss about last week when I threw a fit. I know that I am right and the whole thing makes me sick. I want to quit and move home but I don't have any money.

It's terrible to admit this, but the only thing that calms me down is to myself "remember that the only thing that matters to you is to be thin, so don't worry about this crap and move on with losing weight." It's like a morphine drip for my pain.

pigging out!

I've been such a pig the past few days... I go home in two days and then I will attempt to start over for the 10,000 time. I forgot my Seasonale :-(

This is random but have you ever had this weird disgusting feeling come over you after you touch your breasts? I started getting this feeling when I was first going through puberty... the feeling would come over me when I was drying off after my shower. It's like these waves of grossness that roll through my body and make me feel totally sick and disgusting... I used to try to sing or do something to distract myself to avoid "the feeling." Fortunately it stopped... only rarely do I get the feeling, but I got it just now and I think it's because I'm not wearing a bra. Ewww.

The nutritionist wants me to keep a journal. I will start Tuesday.