everything happens for a reason

today was a remarkably good day. After the shock of last night, it sunk in slowly today that this ridiculous mistake I made can serve a bigger purpose. I'm not an idiot, so the fact that I would do something so stupid shows me that I am not in control of my life. Bulimia is in control of my life, still. And it's in charge because I let it be in charge.

At first I was hoping that there would be some miracle and the professor's assistant would email me back (I sent her some frantic emails) and say it was ok, that I could take the final next week or just write five papers or something. But I never heard from her... and I realized that I didn't deserve to get a second chance. The way I acted was so irresponsible and so inappropriate at the university level that I don't even deserve a response. Virago left me a comment suggesting I level with the professor about my problem, mentioning how she has always found the school to be so supportive when she's explained her health situation...then she added "i could even take advantage of it too much sometimes." Well I don't want to take advantage of it anymore, because I definitely have in the past. In the past three years, I've turned in doctor's notes to three professors saying I have a medical problem and to please consider that in my final grade. (And it "worked" two out of the three times, I got As in the class when my point total was actually a C.) Well I don't want to do that because that is just crap. I don't want a doctor's note for an excuse, I don't want any excuse. I want to be me and do what I am capable of, and that is A-level work!

Tonight I also went to C3's commencement. (Of course he graduated with "highest distinction" summa cum laude whatever because he's Mr. Perfect.) It was terrific and helped me form this epiphany. Well first off I felt a little bit sad afterwards because I don't feel close to him at all and I'm not in any way talking romantically. I feel like we have so much in common that we should be great, close friends and we are such great surface friends but there is just something not connecting. But that's that and I can't force a friendship, so, onto the main point. The keynote speaker mentioned going after your dreams, pursuing your goals, etc about a million times. It occurred to me that my only dream is to be thin. My only goal is to be thin. How empty my life is, how devoid of direction. Dreams of writing a book or a screenplay are inside me somewhere, but I don't give them any attention. I once had the dream of being a veterinarian but I never went forward with it because it got buried by the dream of being thin. I dream about what it will be like to be thin and how amazing that will be, because then everybody will love me and I will be so beautiful and so happy. That is my only dream and goal in life. I think something called logic is now knocking on my head saying, "Hello! McFly?!" What a ridiculous waste of a brain and life and soul.

I still feel very guilty and embarrassed, but what can I do about it. So I enrolled for the same class next semester. Fortunately there were a few spots left. And it's only once a week in the evenings instead of three times a week at 8:30 am! So hopefully it won't be bad.

I'm doing ok with this BRAT diet the last few day. I have not really cheated, except to put ketchup on my white rice. A quart of steamed white rice from the Chinese food place is only 80 cents, a lot less than the $6.50 I paid for my favorite house special fried rice.

I still feel a lot of pressure to lose weight. I saw some new pictures of me (whole body) from two weeks ago and I cannot believe that that is me. I do not feel like I look like that. I don't understand why I can't accurately judge my reflection! It's only in pictures that I can see myself.

You know what, I also have a new dream. I want to do something to help people with eating disorders. I don't know what I can do. I want to start a support group at school if I can.