The most important thing is that I lose weight. That is it. That is the key to my happiness and anyone who says differently doesn't know me or is full of shit. I'm tired of hearing "oh looks don't matter" from hypocrites who judge people on their looks. They may not realize they're doing it, but they do it just the same, and I've seen it.
We're supposed to have this PC, granola outlook on life where looks don't matter. People tell their children that, friends tell friends that. Well it's not doing anybody any good to pretend fantasy is reality. Looks DO matter. People should tell their children, "The world will judge you on your looks so take care of your appearance."
I'm not saying looks are the ONLY thing that matter. You absolutely have to have something to back them up - talent, personality, heart, etc. But if you're fat or ugly, you're not going to get the same shot or same treatment an attractive person will get. You'll be at a disadvantage.
Yesterday in my class we had a speaker who is a local TV reporter. She looks about 30 but is only 23. She is an absolute twig, just tiny. I'm talking size 0 tiny. She said she lost 25 lbs because she had to look the part. She also had to relax and press her hair (she's black). She said "yes, some people think I'm a sellout but I'm doing what I love, I'm able to tell the stories that need to be told, and to get here I HAD to make sacrifices and change myself." She said also that the lifespan of her career in front of the cameras will be another 10-15 years, tops. People don't want to hear these things, but it's reality.
I don't think I'm a shallow person for wanting to be thin or even saying outright that I will never be happy until I lose weight. Losing weight WILL be a success story for me. I'm just tired of caring about all these other things and other people when my happiness is not dependent on any of those things or people.
If I didn't care how I looked or how much I weighed then I could recover from bulimia in one second. But I have to factor in my desire to lose weight at the same time. In fact I am going to use it as motivation to recover, because I know that I can never lose weight living this way. The bulimia cycle is not a path to thinness and will only keep me fat and miserable.
Have I said all this stuff before? I don't remember...
4 comments:
Okay, if looks are so important, what can we do about aging?? There are lots of beautiful anchor women in their 50s. Also, after you hit 30, your metabolism will slow way down and you WILL gain some weight. How you are perceived also depends on where you live as to how MUCH looks matter - too fat, too skinny, too blonde, too brunette. I'm telling you that you are right, looks do matter, but how do you know if you fit the appearance of what "THEY" want??
Mandy, I am not going to deny that losing weight can make you happier and more self-confident. When I lost weight, I got a bick kick out of it, and, to some extent, it made me happy. It also started a perpetuous cycle of depression, however. The problem was, once I had lost all the weight, I was constantly worried about putting it back on. Before, I always had the hope of the number on the scale going down. At that point, however, I knew it was as low as it was going to get, unless I pretty much stopped eating altogether. I was already eating what I considered to be an absolute minimum. I couldn't imagine eating even less. So, from there, the weight could go only up. That thought put me in a bit of a panic, and so, as soon as I ate a normal-meal-size portion, I threw it back up. Back then, I didn't binge so much as just throw up my meals. That changed, however, and, the more time went by, the more I went on full-blown binges outside of mealtimes.
All I'm trying to say is, being thin alone isn't going to make you happy. There will still be lots of other factors that can make you feel unhappy, lonely, or depressed. Especially if being thin comes at such high cost to your health!
I admire people who can be content with their bodies at a higher weight, eat what they like, feel comfortable in their skin, and not worry about what other people think. (And I envy people who can eat whatever they want and STILL be thin!) But we're each dealt our lot, and we have to go from there.
I read once that you cannot change something about yourself until you first embrace it, and that this applies to weightloss, as well. If you can accept yourself the way you are, then you can start to let go of the old patterns.
I wish you only the very best, and, from the bottom of my heart, I wish you true happiness!
love,
Emily
Hi Mandy.
I'm finally getting caught up on my reading of all my favorite blogs (like YOURS!).
I do agree that looks are important - but we CAN'T let it be because society says we need to be thin and good looking. We need it to be because it's just one more way we can feel good about ourselves . . . among a whole slew of non-physical things we value about ourselves. Everyone feels good when they're strong and healthy and toned.
I have to disagree with you on this,
"If I didn't care how I looked or how much I weighed then I could recover from bulimia in one second."
I think we turn to bulimia out of desperation because we feel so guilty and shameful that we "can't control" our eating. We feel we are failures.
We become addicted to bulimia because it's just so damn calming. Soon, for any unpleasant thoughts or emotions (stress, boredom, anger, regret, fear, etc.), bulimia becomes our first and favorite coping mechanism.
I will argue until I'm blue in the face that, to recover, we have to get the focus OFF the body and get it on all the other things we can do to feel good about ourselves. Along the way, we learn to avoid those bad emotions (ie. triggers) by focusing on all our options and by interpretting the situation with creativity, optimism, intelligence, boldness, and total confidence in our abilities to handle whatever comes along - and, POOF - significantly decreased feelings of fear, uncertainty, doubt, anger, etc. And, significantly decreased interest or compulsion to run to bulimia.
This worked for me after 14 years of severe bulimia. But, of course, I had a lot to learn and practice. You have to "go to school" to learn this - by reading books and recovery blogs (like mine!), or if you have the resources, hiring a coach to teach you and hold you accountable for doing the practice that will make you a pro.
Focus only on what your looks mean to YOU, how it makes YOU feel. One of the first lessons you need to learn to recover is to STOP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOU! You will continue to want to be thin cuz of how it makes you feel - but that sense of panic and shame and self-hatred will go away cuz you will always be more compassionate and loving with yourself than "society" will. You will begin to chose what you want to eat and how much to eat based on whether or not you will really enjoy it and if it's good for you or not. Remember, I eat chocolate and other formally "forbidden" foods like chips and ice cream every day because I love them and now I trust that eating small amounts of them won't make me fat or kill me!
You'll get there, I promise.
Wow - I'm going to post this comment on my own blog.
With love and optimism,
Michelle
wow. i'm stunned by the power of this post, as well as what was written by people who commented on it.
i have to agree with michelle - that the reason we turn to the binge and purge cycle is to feel control over what we feel most out of control about: our weight. however, when we step outside of ourselves, we realize it's not at all about being thin (and you even said this just as explicitly). as i'm attempting to recover for the millionth time (and also about to turn 30), i realize that the thing i want most to do is to be healthy. sure, i'd love to lose a couple pounds - but deep down i realize that that will happen if i eat only when my body tells me i'm hungry.
your body will return to what it's "supposed" to be when you're able to get in touch with what it's telling you.
for me, anyway (and i'm guessing for you and the people who are reading your blog and also suffer from bulimia), the eating disorder is a hassle, embarrassing, and gross. and, as you also said, is not a viable path to weight loss.
taking care of your body and losing weight go along with eating when you're hungry...easier said than done, of course...i'm babbling here i guess, as i'm also still struggling to figure out what it about being thin that i want so badly.
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