hanging in there

this has been a terrible week, massive stress. I feel like quitting my job and moving away. Fortunately I am going home for a few days and will be back. It is just the break I need to put everything in perspective.

The meeting with the nutritionist was great - she is awesome. I'll post more about it later. time for bed, 24 hours of this hell week to go.

xoxo

I need to cry but I can't

I'm so frustrated and stressed out at work because of these idiots I had to work with this week... The worst thing is that I bet these people make twice my salary and they can't get anything right. It's almost comical. My work is 1000 times better than theirs. I want to ask them if they have any openings at their company because I want to apply and kick all their sorry asses. We're under huge stress with this big event and everybody is stretched to the limit, and I have to deal with these dumbasses. The worst part is that I did original flawless work and they tried to "fix it" and totally fucked it up.

I wanted to throw a whiny fit at C3 just now. I was telling him the situation about these morons and how upset I was about it and how I couldn't believe it, and he didn't even say anything, he just stared at his computer and started talking about what he was working on at that very moment. He's such a man.

and I'm really, really fat. I just look and feel terrible. I saw a pic of myself from 10 days ago. I look like a very fat person. I swear there is a huge difference between 180 and 190. It looks like I've gained 30 lbs instead of 10.

I really need to cry and feel like crying, but I can't. You can't cry on Prozac. It dries up your tears before they can form.

Mandy sad.

A million little steps

tomorrow is my appt with the nutritionist... I hope meeting with her will help, even though I've met with plenty of nutrionists before.

I just got a suggestion to look at OA (Overeaters Anonymous)... I looked it up and there are a few meetings in my area. I guess I can try it though I don't know if I believe in the whole 12-step concept. However I think I can use all the help I can get... it seems like the more I want to change, the more I resist all my efforts to change. It's driving me insane.

I've been watching the X-Files on TNT for the past three hours. I should go to bed but there's another yet one on... I want to be Mrs. Mulder. Did you guys know Chris Carter wrote the B.R.A.T. Patrol back in the day? I guess I'm still preoccupied... with 1985.

I can't be accountable to myself

I was thinking about how I can't imagine myself actually losing weight on my own. I need to have a nutritionist or a psychologist or somebody who I can report to on a weekly or even monthly basis. I just can't be accountable to myself... I can do lots of work if I know other people are expecting it and need it, but I can't do shit for me. Why is that?

I feel like crap. You know how some women get phantom pregnancies? Well I think I'm having a phantom period. I have been super bitchy irritable the past few days, and I have had a lot of cramps. I keep thinking I'm bleeding but then I check and nada. What the hell? I will ask my roommates and see if they are having their period and making my uterus jealous.

It's one week away from the big event dressy up thing... actually two dressy up things. Remember how I had been planning on losing 25 lbs? Hah that didn't happen. Well I'm not going to beat myself up. It's just another weekend and it will be over before I know it. I need to start again and this time I need to believe I can do it. I hope the nutritionist will help.

I want to work out. I just am so overwhelmed by the whole concept. I need to know I can do it.

blogging again...

I haven't felt much like blogging lately - I've been so busy. I've also been kind of lost and stuck. So today I went to see the psychologist I saw before. She said I really seemed ready to move forward and she recommended I see the nutritionist. She thinks it will help if I work with someone to set up a really good, realistic nutrition plan, and to have someone to "report" to about how I have been eating.

I had a bit of PMS angry bitchiness and some cramps, but no sign of a period. I remember when I went on Seasonale before, the second month I had a 30-day period. Yes a whole month of a period! I hope that doesn't happen again but even so it's worth it.

Yay pharmaceuticals!

hope everyone is well...

ehhh

I only slept 3 hours last night. I am really rebelling against myself. I'm too tired to explain what I mean right now though...

I've decided I absolutely can't have any sugar anymore. Even the slightest bit sets me off. I really am like a crack whore. I'm a snack whore. I was really out of control the past two days... but I think I snapped out of it.

I love apples. I tried to be extra healthy and buy some nice organic apples from the health food store but it turns out they weren't nearly as yummy as the Walmart apples which you know are totally genetically modified and farmed out of a petri dish by underage underpaid workers.

I love not having my period. Seasonale is the greatest thing ever. I've noticed my skin has been crappy lately, and I think it's the pills. I'm also so damn horny! I should go out and buy a vibrator but it would feel like I was totally giving up on ever finding a man. Actually really I don't have a spare $100 or whatever vibrators cost. Maybe I should stage a celebrity benefit to raise money. VibeAID 2006.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

After one week, I'm allergic to cake

Yuck! This afternoon at work I had a piece of cake (ok it was more like three, but they were little mini squares, all three together are what *I* would have cut as one piece) and I feel so sick now. It is just too much sugar! It was carrot cake which I didn't used to like, but OMG it was so good. It has cream cheese frosting and it was just amazing. EXCEPT for now I feel totally sick, even two hours later. Gross!

I guess it's a good sign that my body is rejecting it. I did really well this past week! I've been eating small meals regularly! (I love you, frozen meals!) I don't have tons of energy but that's OK.

I really want to go eat like 10 more pieces of cake. It's just sitting there. It will go into the refrigerator and then after a week it'll be tossed out.

Also today I bought a formal dress for that upcoming event... it is a size 12. I have the exact same dress in a different color and fabric from a year ago, and it was a size 14! So I am happy. The 12 is a bit snug but it will be OK in 3 weeks time... if I don't eat the rest of the cake.

loo loo loo I've got some apples... loo loo loo you've got some too

Last night I ate a real dinner so I only did the apple fast for like a day and a half, but I felt like that was enough. I didn't have a big dinner just a Weight Watchers frozen dinner... I love the diet frozen dinners. They are so good, and quick and easy. Whenever I make spaghetti I end up eating all of it... like six servings at once.

I'm also drinking tons of water to feel full. I stopped drinking Diet Mountain Dew constantly. I only have some in the morning to give me a caffeine boost.

anyway the apple thing rules... I'm going to try to eat at least two a day for snacks. Oh by the way... there is CAKE at the office! Yes delicious birthday sheet cake! It's sitting in the fridge and there's more than half of it left... I didn't have any. I know I couldn't have just one piece. One bite and it would turn into a binge. It's all or nothing for me...

Making Apples Out of Nothing At All

I love the apple fast! Even though yesterday didn't really count, since I had a real breakfast. I did really well though, I had made this pumpkin bread and gave one away, and the other one I put in the freezer. When I took it out of the tin last night a part of it broke off and stayed in the tin... but I took the piece out and put it back with the loaf even though I wanted to eat it so badly... It was super yummy and full of chocolate chips too and I did eat a few crumbs but that's ok. I also ate put some reduced fat peanut butter on apple slices later.... OMG it was so good!

I'm listening to Air Supply. I don't think they get enough credit for how much they rule.

don't shoot me but... I'm fasting

I'm doing an apple fast where I eat only apples for three days. Years ago I actually signed up for a medical weight loss with a friend and the first thing the doctor had us do was do an apple fast. It's not so hard because apples have pectin which makes you feel full. Then when it's done you're hardly hungry at all and it's easier to eat small meals.

Well I feel terrible today. I stayed up studying for my exam the whole night. I think I did OK, much better than my last exam, but after the test I looked up three of the answers I wasn't sure about and I got them all wrong! dammit! and then I was so beat that I went back to bed and missed work... boss called and I ignored the call and went back to sleep. I feel great about myself... not.

To answer the question left by Disoriented... no, I don't think this terribleness of mine has to do with my crush. At least, not directly. This morning when I came home from school I was lying in bed and my head was spinning because I was so exhausted, and I thought about him and how much I DON'T like him. How is it that after all these years of friendship I do not feel close to him at all. When I was laying there I started getting angry and thinking how I want to confront him that I WISH he could be the man I needed. But he cannot and it's not my failure but his. I shouldn't be so mean to him because he is so so so so sweet and gentle, but I don't feel close to him. He is happy 24-7 but never lets his guard down and is never emotionally vulnerable like people are from time to time... but again it's not his fault. I have just built him up into this god and I am just tired of it all. And when I was laying there thinking this I was thinking how I'm goddamn starving for love and affection and this could be contributing to my overeating. I actually almost cried thinking this... and I never cry over myself. Sad movies, yes, but no tears for real life.

By the way I look terrible and feel terrible. I should have weighed myself this morning just to see. The good thing is that I don't have my period! Yay Seasonale!

I'm doing terrible

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stop eating. I've been totally out of control with binging and purging... And I have to hide because I threw up so hard I broke a bunch of blood vessels around my eyes.

I feel like I'm going crazy. What is the reason for this? I think I need therapy. I really don't know why I'm doing this to myself when it's the last thing I want. I just can't stop...