I've been doing really badly and I have a few ideas WHY.
Number one, I realized that this "love" I feel for C3 is exactly what I've been doing for many years: creating feelings of love for a male friend/acquaintance who does not like me while simultaneously beating myself up for not being good enough for him. This creates a romantic relationship (in my mind) that at the same time prevents me/keeps me safely away from having a romantic relationship with someone else (a real one in which the feelings are mutual). Now why do I do that? I have to admit the crush feelings are like a drug, an opiate numbing my emotional pain. But it's a terrible, pointless cycle which leaves me feeling worthless about myself. At the end of it all I'm literally starving for lack of love. Starving for love leads to overeating.
Number two, if I do not eat properly, I have no chance of eating properly. That is to say, unhealthy eating creates a starvation of my brain. I can't think normally, I can't eat normally, I can't feel normally, I can't relate normally, I can't function normally. Then it all begins again! When will I learn? Well I have learned.
Finally, I can't do this alone. I can't get better without professional and emotional help and support. I can get some emotional support but but I don't have any money, so how can I get professional support?
5 comments:
MANDY!!!! YEAH. You really sound like u are at a turning point! I am proud of you and so thankful for this. As for getting help...which I totally agree with BTW...you should see if there is a local free clinic with mental health care facilities...if you are SERIOUS about getting better then go to a free clinic and spill it all to a DR. they will have options for you....if the dr. is a dick face...which a lot of them are...then go somewhere else and try again. Make it you mission. PUSH HARD and a door will open:)
LEt me know how I can help.
xoxoxo
Sole
Great to see you back! I've been checking your blog regularly. "Starving for love leads to overeating" that's a good line. Congratulations on realizing that you can't do this alone. You're not alone. We are all here for you. I second Soledad...let us know how we can help
If you have any sort of insurance, it may cover counseling. If not, I'm very sorry. I'm trying to find a way to tell my doctor I have trich (I pull out my hair) so I can get referred to a counselor under my insurance. It's just hard to admit something to a stranger tha is so embaressing. I've had it for 13 year. Yikes. :)
Good luck, lady.
Hey! How's it going? We haven't heard from you in a while. Don't give in to your disease girl!!!! In terms of getting support, I was reading on another recovery blog how she was looking into going on a TV show to get surgery done. Perhaps you could look into Dr. Phil or something? Also, twelve step groups are very cheap. Good luck Mandy!!!!
I just found your blog so I haven't read all of your history but I urge you to find an OA or ABA meeting in your area. You will find a solution as well as love, friendship and acceptance. It's not easy but it's better than being alone in the food.
You are not alone.
Steph
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