I've been having a really hard time holding on lately, but my mind never stops. I'm always forced to examine and reexamine myself. It's a hard time because what I want for myself is not necessarily what others want or expect of me. In fact I've been realizing lately that nobody even knows me or what I'm really like. I pour my heart out onto these pages for Internet strangers to read. My real-life "friends" either don't have time for me or more likely, don't care to know the real me, this me. People want to hear how everything is great. Have you noticed that people will come up to you and say, "So how's your dying grandma/cousin/gardener/gardener's grandma's cousin/etc doing?" but they won't ask, "So how are you doing with your eating disorder?" People like to hear that everything is fine. Well fuck those people. I've been thinking about who I am and how 2006 Me is not the same person as 2002 Me, which was the last time I made a big change in my life. That girl thought her future was set. But 2006 Me needs more from her future. I have goals that I now don't just WANT to accomplish, but that I NEED to accomplish. I was meant to accomplish them. Those new dreams are replacing old dreams. It is very hard and sad to say goodbye to dreams that (like that pair of size 8 Gap jeans I bought on sale) never fit me.
I love these lyrics - from Pacing the Cage by Jimmy Buffett
Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend
more later...
4 comments:
Mandy, I loved your post today! I've been thinking a lot about my own 'dark side.' I've noticed some people do not want to hear about your dark side and would rather pretend it isn't there at all. They like to see the fun, playful, light-hearted side of you and pretend that's all there is.
I think it's great to surround ourselves with people who bring out that side of us and help us foster that. But I think it's important to acknowledge and embrace the other side as well.
A true friend will love you for who you are in your entirety - the good, the bad, and everything inbetween. In a true friendship, you should be able to be yourself without restrictions. You shouldn't have to hide a part of yourself, so as to not disturb the other person's ideal vision they have created of who THEY would like you to be.
Maybe it's time to re-evaluate who your friends are and think about which friendships you want to put more of your energy into. It also may be a good idea to ponder what kind of a friend you are to others. I'm often amazed at how much people will open up and reach out to me once I reach out to them!
Thanks for your thought-provoking post!
with love,
Emily
P.s.: By the way, I loved the lyrics you posted, too!
hi mandy, thanks for your post. i do understand your feeling of aloneness in the world. i often feel like i have to put on my "face" for people at work and in my personal life. sometimes it takes too much energy which is why i rely on my bulimia. it is an excuse to be alone and just be me--lonely, depressed, angry, hopeless me, a space where noone can reject me or make judgments.
i think with many bulimics, there is a fear of being known. it is much our own issue as it is of those around us who may or many not accept us. it is difficult to take risks and find out who our real friends are in this world.
hang in there. you are not alone...there are those who understand. --jackie
I am very sorry for not telling you i changed my blog. I thought i did.
I think you are a strong woman for going this far. I really do. But how long could you goon putting a mask and gaging your pain? I know blogging is very relieving, but you are right. You need someone who is physically and mentally there with you, all along the road you are taking. Someone who is there when you are high up and when you reach rock bottom.
It'll take some time to find someone like that, but soon enough there will be. Someone you might haven't thought about and possibley was right there, infont of you.
WOW. it is comforting to know that i'm not the only one. thank you.
Post a Comment