I'm stuck
I can't stop eating
I'm getting fatter and fatter...
I think I have diabetes too. I've never been so fat, I've never been so unhealthy, I've never felt so sick.
Yet I still can't stop.
I was going to write I don't know how to stop but I guess that's not true. I've stopped before. You just have to do it. I just can't I guess. I guess the only thing to do is try again... try or die.
8 comments:
I know maybe this has nothing to do with your post, but I am kind of in need of something to cheer up. This may sound wierd though.
Ive been reading you blog for some time know. Dont freak out, Ive been reading lots of this type,by this type I mean al sorts of EDs blogs and stuff.
Im a bit scared. I am not really sure if I have a problem or not. It was about 6 months ago when I first made myself sick. I had eaten so much I couldnt believe it. And it has been since then that the purging comes and goes.
Thing is, I really do not classify into the bulimic umm well, into the characteristis one should have to be consideres with that desease. You see, I do not binge. Or at least I think I dont. I mean I do ocasionally eat one whole package of cookies or 3 or 4 slices of cake, but is that considered binging? According to what Ive read no. Unless it is a binge but at a different scale. Like, suppose I eat salads daily, then would cookies and cake be considered a binge?
Am I confusing you too much? Im really sorry if I am not being explicit. I am just nervous that this hobbie of mine is not getting any better. I dont expect an answer, I am actually unsure of what I was trying to get out of this. Either way, my best wishes to you.
Don't give up. You're doing so well. We are really similar you and I. I too started with this thing when I was 18 and now I'm 31 with 2 children. Things are MUCH much better for me now although I know I'll be a bulimic for life and everyday is a battle. At my very worst, I threw up every scrap I ate, binge or otherwise and sometimes more than 10 x a day. These days weeks and weeks go by without a binge. One thing which has helped me enormously is doing atkins. I knew that I had to rid myself of the carb addictions as the ED had become so much a physical thing. So I did Atkins induction. Weaned myself off the carbs. Had sweats, fuzzy head, mood swings, exhaustion, you name it - just like a drug addict going cold turkey. But boy was it worth it. I don't have the cravings anymore. I don't binge on chocolate everyday and I don't feel guilty for the food that I do eat. This means I then don't panic and throw up. And I am starting to lose weight. Slowly slowly but it's coming off. Why don't you try this way of eating. See what you think?
I feel a bit lost too, I have really no one who understands me, I hope that you don't mind my comments, I have been struggling with bulimia for about 10 years, I thought that I had it under control but this last month I have picked up this nasty little habit again. I really don't know who to contact I am going to a counsler, but I just think that I need real life experiences too, I understand the feeling of failure and not being able to quit something as little as putting down that last box of cookies that I really don't like anyway, I also know what it is like to stop and then feel that urge to binge and purge, in my own sick way I feel that I am in control and it is not, but when I step back I see the truth. I am thankful that I found your blog
I have to admit I've been a bit of a lurker - I've read a lot of blogs but never posted to one. I can relate to the "starting" and "stopping" part of this. So many times I've thought I had this thing fixed for good only to lose control again. Even when I feel I have it under control I think about food, my weight, my body all the time - it's been the one constant in my life for the past 22 years (longer really, I'm just counting the bulimic years) - college, law school, jobs, marriage and children have all become a part of who I am and yet, disappointingly, the one thing I that remains with me is my secret crazy affair with food. At one time I thought these other things would replace my desparate relationship with food but I'm starting to believe it will be with me forever. Hang in there.
im just taking the first steps...im writing my own blog to try to get it right it my own head why im like wot i am, im moving back in with my parents and i wont be able to hide it so much and that really scares me
Hello, I am grateful to have found your blog and have learned so much from the real experiences that you are all living every day.
I'm a therapist. Not an eating disorder specialist.... yet, but would love to be able to reach out to people like you and this population.
I have worked in a lot of crisis situations and completely understand the inpatient goals of being at a healthy enough weight that you are not in danger...I can behaviorally look at a situation and problem solve a new way of behaving and work with the irrational thoughts too.
MY problem, is when I come across a client who truly feels that he/she doesn't have a problem. It's beyond denial. It's truly that it's a coping skill for anxiety. When one purges, there is relief - the same way people with OCD or other anxiety techniques work - to reduce the anxiety.
But help me understand the 'it's not a problem' thought process. Health hazards aren't seen for years to come, if there's no over- or underweight issues, then it doesn't seem pressing to the ED client... and truly there's the "i don't really want to change" attitude. It helps someone control what is not controllable. Healthy eating style, working out... all those great habits are on board already... just not the motivation to stop purging.
Please help me understand so that I can help others. I really want to understand and be someone that can make a difference and understand what it's REALLY like and how to help someone get to a better place. I would love to know this information and also maybe a written dialogue to self - go through the thought process so I can understand it in that moment that the urge takes over, you know it's wrong and you do it anyway.
Thanks for listening and thanks for your comments. I sincerely want to understand ED better.
Peace to you all,
A passionate MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist)
Hello, I am grateful to have found your blog and have learned so much from the real experiences that you are all living every day.
I'm a therapist. Not an eating disorder specialist.... yet, but would love to be able to reach out to people like you and this population.
I have worked in a lot of crisis situations and completely understand the inpatient goals of being at a healthy enough weight that you are not in danger...I can behaviorally look at a situation and problem solve a new way of behaving and work with the irrational thoughts too.
MY problem, is when I come across a client who truly feels that he/she doesn't have a problem. It's beyond denial. It's truly that it's a coping skill for anxiety. When one purges, there is relief - the same way people with OCD or other anxiety techniques work - to reduce the anxiety.
But help me understand the 'it's not a problem' thought process. Health hazards aren't seen for years to come, if there's no over- or underweight issues, then it doesn't seem pressing to the ED client... and truly there's the "i don't really want to change" attitude. It helps someone control what is not controllable. Healthy eating style, working out... all those great habits are on board already... just not the motivation to stop purging.
Please help me understand so that I can help others. I really want to understand and be someone that can make a difference and understand what it's REALLY like and how to help someone get to a better place. I would love to know this information and also maybe a written dialogue to self - go through the thought process so I can understand it in that moment that the urge takes over, you know it's wrong and you do it anyway. So many clients claim that they can't remember what they are thinking - that they just do it despite knowing it's wrong.
HOW CAN I HELP??
Thanks for listening and thanks for your comments. I sincerely want to understand ED better.
Peace to you all,
A passionate MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist)
Hi, wow this a realy great blog I have been looking for one for quite a while. I feel that if with other peoples experiances I could help myself.
I have bulimic for over a year, a lot less than most of you, but it is a very bad disease and I feel like I want to stop while its still new, but its not that easy. I am going to see a therapist, in the beginning I didn't feel like I had a problem, I still sometimes wonder if I acutly do. Is this unusual?
I was never the real binge purge type, I was just counting calories for everything and trying anyway and everyway to get rid of them. The easiest way was to throw it all up immidiatly. I want to stop, but I also want to keep it, I feel like it is kind of my security blanket and its an escape route.
Thank you for making this blog, and good luck to everyone else.
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