Well I finally have some news to post. I haven't posted because I haven't really had any updates. Sorry for sucking.
The news is that I exercised! Really for the first time since my surgery... three months ago!!! Hah! Well I've tried walking and riding the bike before and it really hurt my back. The last time I tried riding the bike was about three weeks ago I think... I could only ride for about five minutes because it started really hurting. But today I rode the bike for one straight hour and it didn't hurt at all!!! Then I came home and cleaned a bunch, including shampooing the carpet. It hurt slightly but not much after that.
I don't know what to say. I feel like it's already been said.
I am massively fat... I've never been so fat. I'm still trying to get the Lap Band but in the meantime I've got to start moving. I feel like I'll never be able to lose this much weight. I know that is stupid, but it's just hard to start.
I love you all... hope you are doing fantastic.
5 comments:
Hi Mandy, I'm a writer based in London and I would love to talk to you about your experiences. My email is amanda.astill@googlemail.com if you'd like to get in touch x
Hello, we are researchers from The College of New Jersey interested in gaining information on the views of authors of mental health blogs. You have received this invitation because you are an author of such a blog. Participation will involve responding to surveys about your mental health and blogging habits. The results are completely confidential. No respondent’s personal identity will be requested or associated with any set of answers. We appreciate your time and help with our study and as a thank you for participating you will be entered into a prize draw. If you are interested or desire further information, please respond to mhblog@tcnj.edu and be sure to include a link to the home page of your blog as well as your preferred contact email address. The survey will be sent to you via email within the next few weeks. Thank you in advance for your participation!
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mhblog@tcnj.edu
Hi Amanda,
I'm actually writing a paper on bulimia for my psychology class and just came across your blog. I have only briefly scanned some of what you've written: primarily your profile, this journal entry, and the beginning of your previous journal entry. What you said at the beginning of your previous entry is what has prompted me to make a comment. You write, "What do you think it's like... to have a life that does not revolve around your weight and food? What do those people think about?"
About 10 years ago, I started to wonder about this myself. It was such an appealing thought...to know that there could be more out there other than just ME, and how I look...and how other people are perceiving ME. I was bulimic for a year and a half. During that year and half, I thought I looked good...and I did. Guys showed me more attention...good looking guys. But, one day, after I threw up, I momentarily got tunnel vision. My vision stayed that way for a couple of minutes. It was really odd...and scary, and it was enough for me to admit that I wasn't above statistics and that I really was doing permanent damage to my body that I would surely regret later. I didn't, stop throwing up cold turkey...but not long after, I did eventually stop altogether. I knew that I couldn't continue living my life purging b/c...I wouldn't have a life. 1- If I continued to do it for years, I would damage my body in such a way that my quality of life would suck...and 2- If I wanted a life worth living, I had to get passed myself. I couldn't live with being consumed with myself any longer. I needed to know that other things that could consume my thoughts besides me.
The good news: At 31, I can now say that I lead a very healthy lifestyle, eat well, moderately exercise, and feel great about my body (because i think I look great). And I'm not constantly thinking about my body. Rather, I'm primarily consumed with school, as I'm studying to become a travelling nurse. The bad (or rather, inconvenient) news: I had to leave the US for several years to be able to get passed myself. I was an exchange student in Mexico for 1 year and a peace corps volunteer in the Philippines for 2 and a half years. Getting away from myself, and the only lifestyle I knew, and all the damaging ideas that this country, for lack of better words, shoves down people's throats, is the only thing I could do to save myself. Seeing other ways of life and adopting other ways to live has made me a better (healthier) person both mentally and physically.
I learned that people in less industrialized countries do think about things other than their weight and their bodies. Not necessarily because they're starving (of course many people in less developed nations are malnourished)...but, where I lived, many of the people didn't have to think about their weight b/c they ate nothing but whole (unprocessed) foods. As a society...they ate this, and as a society, fewer people were fat and unhealthy. For 3 and a half years, very little of the food that I ate came from a box, bag, or can. Most of it came directly from an animal, tree, or the ground. I can't stress to you enough how I saw my body TRANSFORM as a result. I could eat like a normal human being...and not have to worry about what my body was going to do. As a matter of fact, eating nothing but whole foods healed my body in many ways. I had no skin problems...no blimishes. I never had to use lotion (the air and water was extremely different too). I had no dandruff. I had curves where women want them...and I was skinny where women want to be skinny. I never thought about the way I looked. I was a prettier person and a much happier person b/c I wasn't so consumed with me anymore.
Now, I'm back in the US. I cook alot, and I attempt to eat nothing but hearty, whole foods, but it's hard here. Our society likes chemicals, preservatives, and pesticides, not only in our food, but in our water as well...which will screw with our skin, and metabolism, and cause other health problems. At this point in my life, I know how wonderful it is and valuable it is to live my life without being consumed with myself. For this, I will not only...for the rest of my life eat as little processed food as I can get away, but I will also never again punish myself for what I can't help. I won't make myself throw up b/c I feel fat or ugly. The problem isn't me...the problem is what I eat, what I breathe, what I drink and bathe in...etc. The damaging effects of living in this society is alone, enough punishment. Never puking again is just one thing out of a million things I'll need to do in order to continue living such that my mind can focus on things other than ME.
Sorry this is so long and so personal from a stranger. But, I imagine that you get alot of comments from random strangers. I just hope that you stop throwing up before it's too late. We're in our 30s now. We're going to have enough health problems to deal from the shear fact that we're getting older. Why make it any worse? We know that life isn't forever...and we aren't guaranteed tomorrow, but, I urge you to stop throwing up so that you may give other things a chance to consume your thoughts.
i hope everything is turning out fine for you hun. i know this is one hell of a hard situation to get out of.
dear mandy,
I recently just broke up with a long time girlfriend who suffers from bulemia. She always told me she didnt suffer from it anymore, and after we broke up she told me that was a lie, along with a whole bunch of other things. I want to help her, but what should I do. Her insecurity with her self - thinking shes not good enough for me or im gonna leave - tore our relationship apart. She was the one who ended it with dishonesty and a complex over issues that i didnt even think existed. Its beyond this now, but i feel since weve been broken up shes been doing it more and more - her personality changed and Ive been noticing some signs i saw on the net. How should i approach this, or not at all?
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