[Bulimia sucks. I started this nifty behavior in eighth grade and I'm now 30. It's like a heroin addiction, but less trendy and more legal. I'm trying to get better. Read all about it here.]
<---This was my original description when I started this blog. I'm bulimia free since 2008. There is hope and you can be free from it too!
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Bulimia hell
What do those two words mean to you? What is your definition of bulimia hell? Tell me and then I will post the situation that defines it for me.
staying in my apartment for days at a time, the only phone calls made are to call in sick to work or school, or to order food. i haven't showered, i haven't done anything but eaten and thrown up, five, six, seven, even ten or more times in a row on any given day.
my throat is sore, my nose feels raw, my fingers are red and swollen, my stomach feels distended, i haven't taken a real shit in days, and i can't stop crying.
I am a mother of a daughter who practices bulimia. she knows that I know her problem, she knows I clean up after her in the toilet and at times I get frustrated with this selfish behavior. As of tonight I have to lock up the cupboards so the food will last for the week. I hate that she will not take steps to get over this. And yes, I do believe with God all things are possible, so there is no excuses. I love my daughter, she is truely one of my favorite people, a really amazing young woman.I wonder why she can't see that.
i wanted to respond to dlynn's comment here...although this is only one person's perspective, i figured it couldn't hurt to share it...
when my mother found out i was bulimic, she yelled at me and said, "just stop sticking your finger down your throat!" sadly, this didn't help at all, but just made me feel worse, and in turn, led to more eating and throwing up.
i'm not an expert in psychotherapy, but i do know that it wasn't until i started seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist this year (15 years after i started this awful habit) that i actually found ways to alter my behavior.
there is a chemical side to bulimia that many people don't understand. when i'm in the middle of a cycle, it's as if i'm COMPELLED - literally - to binge and purge. i know it doesn't make sense, but perhaps your daughter needs someone who can help her stop the behavior in a way that helps her feel good about herself, rather than worse for doing something so shameful and disgusting.
none of us who are bulimic can explain why we do this. i don't know about you, but my idea of a fun afternoon activity is CERTAINLY not making myself throw up. when i think about it, i can't even believe i've actually ever done it. it's gross. it feels awful. it doesn't even really help with weight loss.
i wish you the best of luck with your daughter. if i could go back to that moment when my mom found out, i would have loved it if she had just held me and told me she loved me and asked me how she could help. i'm not sure i would have had an answer, but i would have known she was trying to understand.
I would like to respond to Dlynn's comment as well, although...I may sort of repeat some of what stillb. has said.
I have been bulimic for over ten years now. I guess, 'technically' bulimarexic (or however you spell it). The problems being, a. not eating b. eating a 'normal meal' and purging and c. binging and purging. The whole thing is shameful. I don't want to speak for all people with ed's... but I think for many of us it is so confusing, and embarrassing... Many people with eating disorders don't tell anyone because they are ashamed. I would bet that your daughter feels really bad about it, or...she is crying out for help. There are probably ways that she could hide evidence of purging if she wanted, but maybe she wants help with it.
When I started the eating disorder I never really binged and purged for the first 8 years, I would not eat and purge if I did...so when I began my weight dropped and a school person called my mom. Luckily my mom didn't yell at me, because that would have sent me over...but, I did know that she didn't understand it, and that it was hurting her, so I just found a way to pretend everything was fine, told her the school person lied, and went on with life. I continued to have the eating disorder. My weight went up and down a lot. Recently, it went down I guess a lot, and my mom asked about it. So, nine years of keeping it a secret, didn't solve anything.
Many people with ed's feel like they are in a war every day. Many bulimics may not be underweight, but they still may suffer from the same fear of food...which is hard to understand for someone without an eating disorder I guess.
Okay, this is getting very long. My point is that I am sure it is hard to understand, and it may seem like 'just stop' is easy enough...but it isn't that easy, and if your daughter feels she can't talk to you, she may hide it, until ten years down the line, you realize it never went away, she just hid it. The problem with that is, the eating disorders only grow stronger the longer you have them.
Eating disorder hell to me is...
thinking about and fearing food and often social situations that may have food...or, any social situations because you feel so bad about your body.
It's lying to the people you love to hide the eating disorder. It's being so scared about your situation but feeling hopeless. It's being terrified to eat a peice of pizza without being able to purge, but being able to eat a whole pizza if you know you can purge.
It's saying 'this is the last time I will binge and purge' but then tomorrow comes and you do it again or 'today, I will eat three normal meals' and then deciding to throw a bagel out your car window because you don't want the calories, even though you know you will binge and purge later.
Thanks for your response. I think couneling may help. Im a little unsure what my daughter will do this fall as she heads off to college. I am gratful for yor comments. I hope you find healing and freedom one day.
Bulimia hell for me is binging and purging for three days without really leaving my apartment... Not answering the phone... No make-up on, I look like hell because all I can do is cry or binge and purge... Occasionally I leave for a store where I think no one will know me (dollar store) to go buy easy-binge-purge food. My face is puffy, my eyes red and I feel like a fat ass and completely worthless and hopeless. That is bulimia hell to me and I'm in it.
AS I read these comments I have to say that I feel like I am not the only one, That is really silly for me to say because I have seen many people go through this and that makes me even more ashamed. I cannot do simple things that bring me joy, my husband tells me that I am a diffrent person. My life is a bulimic hell.
"It's being terrified to eat a peice of pizza without being able to purge, but being able to eat a whole pizza if you know you can purge. " so true.for me, bulimia hell has stages:
prebinge- knowing im going to binge but not caring- feeling euphoria, excitement to eat the whole tub of ice cream i bought
during binge- zoning out and eating food i don't even LIKE most of the time, thinking should i stop?should i stop? can i stop? the feeling of sickness in my stomach that begs me to, but i dont
post-binge- throwing up and trying to do so quietly so noone can hear me.drying my tears, seeing my puffy face, feeling FAT and this is the clincher to bulimia hell: getting a call during any of these stages to go downtown to dance, meet up with friends or go shopping....and me picking bulimia over that real life im supposed to nbe living - the depression is a cycle- im fat, so ill eat, ill throw up cause im fat. up and down up and down up and down in weight. all or nothing- im so sick of being on the edge
So...I'm kind of new to this whole thing. I just came out as a bulimaarexic in February and I've only had the habit since Novemnber. I've been seeing a therapist and talking to people but certain days are just awful. My mom is coming down to help move me out of school next week and she's meeting with my therapist. I'm having trouble describing exactly what I'm going through so I decided to do some googling yesterday. I found this link and it captured exactly how I felt. A lot of the times in the morning I take a granola bar to class so that I'm in public and I can't throw it up. I hate how food is a threat. It's so true that you feel afraid to eat a single piece of pizza if you know you can't purge and then order a whole one and eat it when you know you can. There is a vending machine outside my dorm room and it has created a personal hell for me. I freak out if I can't find quarters or single dollar bills in my room. Somedays I don't eat at all and that gets pretty difficult because I'm a dancer so I have hours of class everyday on top of the hour that I spend in the gym. I want control of my life back. But anywyas, thanks for leaving some of those comments. I think it will really help my mom to understand. I think I'm going to try blogging a little more often and see if it helps. Don't give up hope ladies! We can do this!
I have had bulimia for years. Have never told anyone and tried to heal myself but I keep falling back. I've just disvored this secret society...a world of bulimics...I do find comfort, that I'm not the only one, but gets even more upset that so many are suffering but are to ashamed, just like me, to do anything about it...
bulimia hell: wanting food - eating, not wanting food - eating, hungry - eating, full - eating, sad - eating, happy - eating, eating, eating, eating till am stuffed and feel absolutely disgusted with myself and then throw up the food and some of the feelings. Then promising myself never to do it again, and then doing it again, and again. If a had a penny for every time I have told myself that this was the last time I would be rich.
I know I am hurting myself, but I can't stop. I need help, but am too ashamed to tell anyone. I feel lonely and depressed most of the time.
Knowing that the food I'm about to eat had thousands of calories, and that ammount could usually last me for a week or two (I'm bulimarexic). Feeling that I can't stop, even though I know I should. Not being able to bring up the the food I just binged on, because I'm so weak and my throat is so sore from throwing up every day for the last week. Seeing the left over binge food in my cupboard. Eating the left over binge food, and not having time to purge it.
My whole life has turned into mia hell. Everything revolves around this disease, and I'm miserable. I have arguments with myself every time I think of food: "I can eat that, it won't hurt'. 'No you can't you fat cow. Don't be stupid'. I always end up giving in anyway, and cramming whatever I can get my hands on into my mouth.
I am devastated! I've just found out my daughter has been bulimic for 11 years. How have I not noticed? Am I the only one who hasn't? I love her more than anything in the world. I have tried to give her everything - alone. I know what triggered it off. Her dad. He took her brothers away. She feels that he doesn't love her. He does. He just couldn't cope with her being so young. I tried to be everything. It's not enough. She's in living hell and I didn't see it. Everyone else did. I'm a bad mother. I can't live without her. She's my life. I want to see her wake up with a lust for life. She's 22. She's beautiful and talented, and she's killing herself before my eyes. How do I help her???? It's tearing me apart.
i really want to stop but it kills me that i physically and mentally can't stop this vicious starve/binge/purge cycle...
in the past 2 weeks, i've lost 13 pounds and gained it from full-on starving down to lemon juice, caffeine pills and laxatives for a week and this quickly slipped into frequent events of binging and purging...
what bothers me most is that i used to be able to not eat more than 300 calories for more than 2+ months w/ workouts. i can hardly do that for a week now...and i just wish i could be normal and happy like my sisters and school friends...
i think that if anyone starts to restrict from a young age, go and seek help. by not telling anyone my problems it didn't help me. i was diagnosed with anorexia when i was 11/12 yrs, i'm 16 now and was treated last year again which has obviously come to a fail. i hate living like this most of the time i know i would be better off dead.
I want to go to college i want to shower. i want to sleep at night and live by day. i have missed college all week. i have missed sun light. i am at my wits end and frightened now. no more
You should absolutely stop being bulimic. I was bulimic for 6 and half years. Sometimes, I purged like twice or three times a day, and during the period, my body looked OK but my face and calves looked funny. Stop being bulimic, and everything will be fine. I'm recovered from it for 3 months. I've never felt this good in the past 7 years. Trust me, you'll look much better without bulimia.
I am so glad that I found this site. I really need some help. I have been bulimic on and off for the past 6 years. It is at its worse right now. I eat ridiculous large amounts, and purge. 3 times a day. I was losing weight and now I'm not. I am by no means skinny. So now that I havent been losing any weight (I'm a size 13) I am eating more and purging more. My throat is sore and face is puffy. Please give some advice. I have not told anyone (my husband and mother look at this as week and stupid) and I could use any help.
During the day i have nothing but glasses of milk or cupa-soups. then i throw them up. its easy, i just push it all up with my stomach muscles into the bathroom basin. i work in office so thats easy, but binge-purging isnt. people would notice. i wait till i get home. i go to the store and stuff my handbag with foods simply becasue i know that theyre high calorie, or easy to get rid of. i dont even have to like the food, i steal it anyway. im a kleptomanic too - and besides, i cant buy it, people will think im a fat pig (even tho im clearly underweight). when i get home i dont know where to start, im exited but scared. up untill the last few months i struggled with anorexia or more excact 'addiction to dangerously long fasting' for a year a half. i think i was just bored with life when i started my fasts, it was like a game, then an obsession. i still dont eat unless i know im going to get rid of it straight away. i dont even know HOW to eat like a normal person anymore. there has to be restrictions and rules! my binge always starts with the easist purge foods, cream cheese mmmm, and i throw it up as i go so i dont risk too many calories if i have a bad purge day and it doesnt come out. i start to feel myself losing control and im scared, i manage to stop myself before i finish the whole jar of cream cheese and start on the chocolates and cream biscuits. i spend the rest of the night crying. the next day i go back to my liquid/purge diet which im sure will kill me in the next few months. i dont even keep water down. This is what hell is - the waste of money, the waste of health and the waste of life.
I am a freshman and Ive been purging for a year now...:'( Whenever I eat..I feel a bit full but kept on eating..I just cant stop!! I feel like a idiot.. I really wish I can stop.. I am wasting my parents money.. and I surely will pay for this sin. :( but i will try my best to recover,..by myself.
I am a freshman in HS, and I've been bulimic for about 2 to 3 years. It seems like I can't even remember when I was NOT bulimic. It started with my dad calling me fat after I had quit figure skating and gained around 5 to 10 lbs. My years of bulimia haven't helped me lost weight at all. In fact, it's made me gain around 10 pounds of weight. I want to stop, but I can't. It's absolute hell for me. I don't want my boyfriend to hug me because I feel fat and ugly and bloated from my last binge. I don't want to hang out with friends because I'm afraid of looking like crap and eating too much. and worst of all, every night, I lie in bed afraid to die because I know that if this continues, it'll take me life someday.
To DLynn, perhaps you should stop cleaning up after your daughter and enabling her, and instead insist and help her seek help. My mom found out after a friend had called her..mind you it had been two years, she yelled at me becuase she thought I had lied to my friend to get attention, but really I had hid it so well that she had never known. Then she got me help, and the most help she could. She didn't clean up after me and insist it was a "habit." get a grip lady, fucking help your kid and stop cleaning up after her.
My daughter is home from being away for 18 months at college. She's doing better, we talk and love one another through this. There is respect between us and a wonderful mother daughter relationship. Allot has changed since I first posted here. I pray I could afford to get her help. Until then, listenIng , loving and understanding is what I can do... It's free and it brings healing. I love her deeply. I'm signing off this blog for now. I pray that anyone who is struggling with ED finds healing for their mind,soul and spirit. That you realize your value as a person and see yourself as a beautiful creation. Take care.
I started my bulimia when I was just 8 years old! It is such a complicated problem - and the reason why one develops it can be so diverse...
Something, somewhere triggers it...
My bulimia lasted 12 years.. At the age of 20 I finally decided to get help. I realized that I needed to change my sub conscious mind if I wanted to end my bulimia.
CBT is really helpful - and also positive energy treatment.
Dlynn: I am a sophomore in college right now and have been bulimic for five years now, this is a very very debilitating problem for me and I know from experience when my mother caught me throwing up in the backyard of our home, i told her I was sick and was not feeling well, she dismissed everything that happened and went on, I still regret that day I did not ask her for help and have yet to ask anyone for help. This disease has lead me to have to drop one class this semester and fail another, and I am a usual A student, being at college has not helped at all, it has mostly hurt. Having the independence I have now living alone in a one bedroom apartment is very difficult to get up everyday without the motivation to do so. After purging as much as I do in a day I am left weak and sick everyday. I used to be a type A personality with everything just the way it was supposed to be everything organized and perfect with my life going the way I had planned and recently things have gotten much worse, the ambition is gone and I blame this solely on my binging and purging habits. If I can say anything, anything at all please get your daughter help, even if she says she doesnt need it or want it,she does, deep down she really does. Please get her help.
Bulimia hell for me is looking in the mirror and seeing how fat I still am. it makes me feel like I can't do anything right, even an e.d. Im scared because I'm a high school senior and I've read so many stories about the pressures to be thin in college. It seems like a hopeless cycle with no end in sight.
I pray every day for healing. And thought it's been months since I havnt binged and purged (up to twenty times a day - what a waste of time!!) I still have hope that I WILL get over this. It seems strange that you can be so disiplined in some areas of your life and completely lack any self-control when it comes to food. I've shoved raw spaghetti, stuffing mix,even squirted tomato ketchup - a whole bottle- down my throat...i can eat 10 bars of chocolate in one sitting and still shove down more. I eat till it hurts. I eat till im doubled up in pain. And it gets worse still. The purging. I purge effortlessly - one heave and its out...again and again until i taste the acid. Sometimes i 'rinse' my stomach out drinking a few cups of water then purging them too just to make sure there's NOTHING left in there. Maybe it's just me but it's not unusual for me to stick my hand in the vomit to check it's consistency (if it's thick, if it's lumpy i know i've got a lot out - hopefully all.) I wish I knew why i do this. I wish I could stop. Im so scared people at university will find out what I do - that my friends will find out. Who'd want to be my friend then? I hate causing so much worry and pain for my parents and my sisters. I look at myself in the mirror and im a wreck - i say to myself I'll eat more..try gain a couple pounds...and I do (eat more that is) but I never keep any of it down. I stuff myself at dinner and then go shower and bring it all up - i blocked the sink today (i can't bear to stick my head down the toilet - and yet here i am puking all the time) - luckily i managed to unclog it before anyone noticed - still gross though. Go to bed starving. Can't sleep. Wake up and the cycle starts over again. BUT I BELIEVE I WILL HEAL..that this will become a thing of the past - a bad memory. I pray every day...mostly for motivation. We all want to stop but it seems so impossible it's hard to find motivation. I'm going to start praying for the many other silent sufferers out there. That you too will have strength. That we can heal! Hopefully one day I'll right on this blog again - recovered.
Bulimia hell to me is waking up in the morning with the best intentions and trying to eat a sensible lunch which just turn into hours of endless eating...then throwing it up and feeling hungry again. So eating again, then throwing that up again. Then getting a diet soda in hopes it will cure my desire to continue eating. Then still eating after that. Then purging, then my throat hurting, then having my husband come home and I go in the bathroom and realize that I forgot to clean the toilet and I left the spoon that i use to purge myself on the sink. Then him wanting sex, but I feel disgusting because I've consumed more than he has in an entire week.
Bulimia hell is forgetting to take out the trash and then realizing you've left your evidence for all to see.
Bulimia hell is bingeing and being unsuccessful at purging. Living with the guilt of all those calories that just won't seem to come out.
Bulimia hell is the raw, bloody knuckles on my hands from being constantly wet.
Bulimia hell is teeth aching, throat hurting.
Bulimia hell is walking around my house with it being a total disaster, but all I can think about is bingeing and purging.
Bulimia hell is not knowing for sure how many calories have been absorbed and how many purged.
My definition is that it's the process of when one eats larger amounts of foods than they should at one time, thousands of calories during one binging session, then very shortly afterwards purges the food that they have just eaten.
See http://bulimiasecrets.com/define-bulimia they offer free and confidential online help for bulimia.
Getting to the stage where you feel as though you no longer have control. The control that you thought you had is just an illusion, the ed is what is really in control now!
There is no rational, only the demon in your mind telling you that you are worthless, that you are ugly, that you are fat!
Seeing no other way out but to end your life because you would rather people know that you killed yourself, rather then them knowing that you have an eating disorder.
reading a lot of these definitions have made me feel i am not alone in this and knowing others suffer the shame and depression i feel and knowing that people want to recover from this bulimia hell just like me
my face is puffy my social life is deteriorating and my self worth and hunger for life, love and anything other than food and then guilt is dying.
i have got help and it worked for a few days but this evil side of me has come back
i pray that we will win and get back or start a life of love and happiness for our bodies and our lives
reading a lot of these definitions have made me feel i am not alone in this and knowing others suffer the shame and depression i feel and knowing that people want to recover from this bulimia hell just like me
my face is puffy my social life is deteriorating and my self worth and hunger for life, love and anything other than food and then guilt is dying.
i have got help and it worked for a few days but this evil side of me has come back
i pray that we will win and get back or start a life of love and happiness for our bodies and our lives
just trying to live life with being bulimic is hell. I'm pretty sure it's about almost as low as I can get now. My fiance made me go back to my mom's for who knows how long, and I don't know if I'm even still engaged. And the really crappy thing about it is all I want to do is think about what I'm going to eat tomorrow and how fast I'll be able to get rid of it. I'm starting therapy for the first time for this tomorrow, and I'm scared to death. I've never been honest about any of it, or how bad it can get. I'm ashamed to admit the truth. And i hate that most my thoughts just revolve around food. Any time anyone tries to talk to me I just get so defensive and put up a wall around me, and now I'm scared it's cost me the person I love most, he won't even talk to me, and part of me can't blame him, but then part of me hates him for making me do this alone
I agree, fantastic blog! I myself used to have suffer from bulimia from age 16-21 and at 26 am happy to say i'm fully recovered! I'm now an English teacher living in Sydney and have always wanted to be a published novelist. i'm in the process of writing my first novel at the moment. As you can imagine, the best characters to create are those that are drawn from our life experiences, so it will not be a surprise then that my central character suffers with bulimia. I was wondering if anyone would be interested in conversing by email with me about stories they have had, difficulties faced etc. so that i may create an even more rounded and realistic character? The character i'm talking about actually stars her own blog in the novel so i'm trying to read as many as i can! Would be great to hear from you if you are keen. Please contact me at ktp_247@hotmail.co.uk
Bulimia hell is faking sick to leave work so that you can go home in purge. It is going for coffee at work and purging in the Starbucks bathroom. It is lying in bed at night after purging wondering if you've done damage to your heart and hoping that you wake up. It is finally getting your eating under control, only to not be able to stop purging. It is a puffy bloated face, broken capillaries under your eyes and rotten teeth. It is humiliation over having an eating disorder and not being thin and constantly hating what you see in the mirror. It is utter terror and shame at the prospect of having to eat in front of others. Bulimia has made me a liar and deceitful. It has made me reclusive and has isolated me from friends; I don't go anywhere if I don't think I can purge once there.
To me, Bulimia hell is never being able to escape the thought. No matter where I am or what I eat, I can't think about anything but throwing it all up. It's never being able to enjoy anything I eat. It's knowing that I'm hurting myself.
My bulimia hell is very much that of all of you.... except for 7 months I wasn't, I was a normal 28 year old and thought I would never do it again.... until a stressful time comes into my life. Already this week I've spent £120 on food that I then purged.The worst thing about this is I KNOW I have the power in me to stop, I KNOW I can train my thoughts and I KNOW I can find that happiness that is bursting to get out and live life but I don't seem to choose that option. Instead I eat which sends my bind blank.... not thoughts until it's time to be sick.... and then a strange feeling of 'OK that is the last time and happy that it's out of my body'! Mediation and Acupuncture are the way forward to help me relax the constant thoughts in my head and relax my body. For some reason reading these blogs may have made me realise that I felt sad for you feeling as bad as I feel a lot of the time. Let's not pity ourselves anymore and take control of our 1 chance at this life. Love to you all.
I have been bulimic for four years now..i started college this year and im still struggling, mu face is getting puffy and i hate looking at myself in the mirror...How long till that goes away? How did you all stop this addiction i hate it so much and want to be my normal self again
Ive suffered from this disease for four years now...i just started college. My face is now getting puffy and i cant stand looking at myself in the mirror. How do i get rid of that is there any tricks to make it go away faster.I cant live like this anymore please help me and give me advice.
I remember the days of hell. I'm so glad to be on the other side of it. Hell to me back then was spending an entire day thinking about and then binging and purging, no matter what was going on in my life. The worst was when I had to be at work and felt compelled to purge there. I felt like such a fraud.
bulimia hell: eating right all day.. drinking lots of water to feel full.. staring at the ceiling trying to sleep thinking of food. waiting for everyone in the house to fall asleep so I won't be bothered and purge without having to "take a shower". avoiding social situations where I'll be offered food because I know I can't throw it up.. I've stood in the kitchen breaking eating records left and right but everyone jokes saying how small my appetite is.. I'll weigh myself 15-20 times a day, If I put on say 10 pounds of food during my binge I won't leave the bathroom until all 10 pounds have come back up.. my face is bloated, my hands are shaking, and I finally feel tired enough to fall asleep.
Bulimia hell ... is the lowest point I have reached in my life thus far. I keep digging this hole and there is no bottom ..
I eat a normal breakfast.. but then I begin to eat senselessly, causing overeating, and purging. I feel like the things I eat crazy amounts of are justified because I can rid them in a purge. I give up my social life in order to feel comfort by bingeing.
I just moved back into my parents house after living in an apartment with a friend for a while for the sole reason that I cannot be alone the amount of time I have been. Being alone means being free of worry that someone will hear you, see you.
After purging, my eyes are so watery, my face is so puffy, my nose is so runny, and I smell sickly. I do what I can to cover my tracks, but it lingers with me.. it scares me that this has become a routine. Something I do mindlessly. I need to be scared of this. I need to fear it. I have no idea what to do to fix me. Seeing a therapist didn't help. Should I try another person ? What is the best therapy for this disease?
Bulimia Hell for me, is spending soo much money on food that just ends up being in the toilet moments later...The feeling inbetween a binge and purge-failure, sadness, anxiety... For me, I went through a stage where I was binging and purging and was very skinny. Now, I am overweight and still putting myself through the vicious cycle. I decided this week it has to stop...I started a blog to track my progress, my feelings and everything inbetween. I believe I am strong enough to get over this, because I want out of the bulimia hell
the selfishness of this disorder and myself. I would steal, lie and break just to get my fix.....The time between the next B&Purge is spent hating myself and wallowing in my pity. Bulimia hell is finding hope and twenty minutes later, smothering it with food and throwing it up.
Bulimia Hell is a deep dark hole I'm living in now. I know if I climb up there'll be some bright light over the ground above. I know if i want to climb up there I must work really hard and can't even go one step back...to get to that light where normal people live.
However, I'm scared once I get on the ground, I will be lost. I will not know what I'm going to do where I'm going to go. Above of all where I'm going to hide and lick myself when I'm hurt or in pain.
That's why, though it's a HELL, I'm still living and can't help feeling safe living here ..alone.
Deep Dark Hole Bulimia Hell is a deep dark hole I'm living in now. I know if I climb up there'll be some bright light over the ground above. I know if i want to climb up there I must work really hard and can't even go one step back...to get to that light where normal people live.
However, I'm scared once I get on the ground, I will be lost. I will not know what I'm going to do where I'm going to go. Above of all where I'm going to hide and lick myself when I'm hurt or in pain.
That's why, though it's a HELL, I'm still living and can't help feeling safe living here ..alone.
My mom called me out infront of my boyfriend about mybulimia, saying how i binge so much and throw up... im humiliated. This was not my choice to be bulimic. Im a prior anorexic sufferer, and as bad as i want to stop, i physically can't. I wish she would understand.
I know its wrong and all I'm doing is hurting myself but I cant stand the fact of eating and knowing i will gain weight it terrifies me. I don't binge but I do purge everything I eat. Everything! I'm weak and tired and it hurts to go through this everyday. I wish people in my life could understand that I cant stop on my one. I also exercise a lot I've lost a huge amount of weight but I don't seem to be happy with it since i know i could lose more and more. Im "thin" but i dont feel thin i dont think im thin but everyone else say so. I'm lost. I'm tired.
It's preposterous, amazing, and horrifically embarrassing to me that I have been battling this disease for well over 20 years. I have 3 healthy sons (thank god) and a husband who adores me. No one knows of this internal battle I struggle with. Sure, there have been times (certainly during my pregnancies, breastfeeding times that I have been "purge free" but this evil ghost rears it's head all the time. I exercise as much as possible and want to literally kill myself each time I go to purge. I can't stop and I don't know what, but what I'm scared of is opening up for someone to help me with this and then it leading to my ability to care for my children. I care for my children each and every day and that is most fulfilling, wonderful part to my life that actually keeps me going --in an ironic way. Does anyone else relate to this? I need help. Please
To me, Bulimia hell is waking up every day and thinking of what you can eat first, what is the easiest thing to purge, and how you can get around social situations where normally you would loose control. I hate thinking about food 24/7...I hate that my knuckles are tore apart from purging. It's not being able to control yourself once you start eating. It's that ungodly feeling of your throat being on fire all the time. It's looking at yourself in the mirror after a binge and seeing your stomach stick out like your 9 months pregnant. It's always having to have some sort of plan on how to get rid of the food if you eat in public. It's being selfish. It's that awful feeling you get when you know you didnt puke everything up. It's people asking you why you're in the bathroom for so long all the time. It's planning those late night binges after everyone is in bed. It's pushing people away because you're too scared someone will find out about your disgusting habit. It's everyone asking you how you lost so much weight and what your tricks are, and you have to make up some kind of story. It's knowing that you'll spend the majority of your night on the elliptical or running and working out after dinner if you couldn't get it all up. It's smoking cigs and drinking coffee to try and make the hunger pains go away after a purge in hopes you wont eat again....but who are we kidding...we'll end up eating, like always. It's the NEVER ENDING CYCLE that you go through everyday with food. I hate everything about this disorder and what it has done to me. My house is a wreck, i haven't cleaned in weeks. It's disgusting. It's running my life and i feel like there's no way out.
To me, Bulimia hell is waking up every day and thinking of what you can eat first, what is the easiest thing to purge, and how you can get around social situations where normally you would loose control. I hate thinking about food 24/7...I hate that my knuckles are tore apart from purging. It's not being able to control yourself once you start eating. It's that ungodly feeling of your throat being on fire all the time. It's looking at yourself in the mirror after a binge and seeing your stomach stick out like your 9 months pregnant. It's always having to have some sort of plan on how to get rid of the food if you eat in public. It's being selfish. It's that awful feeling you get when you know you didnt puke everything up. It's people asking you why you're in the bathroom for so long all the time. It's planning those late night binges after everyone is in bed. It's pushing people away because you're too scared someone will find out about your disgusting habit. It's everyone asking you how you lost so much weight and what your tricks are, and you have to make up some kind of story. It's knowing that you'll spend the majority of your night on the elliptical or running and working out after dinner if you couldn't get it all up. It's smoking cigs and drinking coffee to try and make the hunger pains go away after a purge in hopes you wont eat again....but who are we kidding...we'll end up eating, like always. It's the NEVER ENDING CYCLE that you go through everyday with food. I hate everything about this disorder and what it has done to me. My house is a wreck, i haven't cleaned in weeks. It's disgusting. It's running my life and i feel like there's no way out.
55 comments:
staying in my apartment for days at a time, the only phone calls made are to call in sick to work or school, or to order food. i haven't showered, i haven't done anything but eaten and thrown up, five, six, seven, even ten or more times in a row on any given day.
my throat is sore, my nose feels raw, my fingers are red and swollen, my stomach feels distended, i haven't taken a real shit in days, and i can't stop crying.
for me, that's bulimia hell.
I am a mother of a daughter who practices bulimia. she knows that I know her problem, she knows I clean up after her in the toilet and at times I get frustrated with this selfish behavior. As of tonight I have to lock up the cupboards so the food will last for the week. I hate that she will not take steps to get over this. And yes, I do believe with God all things are possible, so there is no excuses. I love my daughter, she is truely one of my favorite people, a really amazing young woman.I wonder why she can't see that.
i wanted to respond to dlynn's comment here...although this is only one person's perspective, i figured it couldn't hurt to share it...
when my mother found out i was bulimic, she yelled at me and said, "just stop sticking your finger down your throat!" sadly, this didn't help at all, but just made me feel worse, and in turn, led to more eating and throwing up.
i'm not an expert in psychotherapy, but i do know that it wasn't until i started seeing a cognitive behavioral therapist this year (15 years after i started this awful habit) that i actually found ways to alter my behavior.
there is a chemical side to bulimia that many people don't understand. when i'm in the middle of a cycle, it's as if i'm COMPELLED - literally - to binge and purge. i know it doesn't make sense, but perhaps your daughter needs someone who can help her stop the behavior in a way that helps her feel good about herself, rather than worse for doing something so shameful and disgusting.
none of us who are bulimic can explain why we do this. i don't know about you, but my idea of a fun afternoon activity is CERTAINLY not making myself throw up. when i think about it, i can't even believe i've actually ever done it. it's gross. it feels awful. it doesn't even really help with weight loss.
i wish you the best of luck with your daughter. if i could go back to that moment when my mom found out, i would have loved it if she had just held me and told me she loved me and asked me how she could help. i'm not sure i would have had an answer, but i would have known she was trying to understand.
I would like to respond to Dlynn's comment as well, although...I may sort of repeat some of what stillb. has said.
I have been bulimic for over ten years now. I guess, 'technically' bulimarexic (or however you spell it). The problems being, a. not eating b. eating a 'normal meal' and purging and c. binging and purging. The whole thing is shameful. I don't want to speak for all people with ed's... but I think for many of us it is so confusing, and embarrassing... Many people with eating disorders don't tell anyone because they are ashamed. I would bet that your daughter feels really bad about it, or...she is crying out for help. There are probably ways that she could hide evidence of purging if she wanted, but maybe she wants help with it.
When I started the eating disorder I never really binged and purged for the first 8 years, I would not eat and purge if I did...so when I began my weight dropped and a school person called my mom. Luckily my mom didn't yell at me, because that would have sent me over...but, I did know that she didn't understand it, and that it was hurting her, so I just found a way to pretend everything was fine, told her the school person lied, and went on with life. I continued to have the eating disorder. My weight went up and down a lot. Recently, it went down I guess a lot, and my mom asked about it. So, nine years of keeping it a secret, didn't solve anything.
Many people with ed's feel like they are in a war every day. Many bulimics may not be underweight, but they still may suffer from the same fear of food...which is hard to understand for someone without an eating disorder I guess.
Okay, this is getting very long. My point is that I am sure it is hard to understand, and it may seem like 'just stop' is easy enough...but it isn't that easy, and if your daughter feels she can't talk to you, she may hide it, until ten years down the line, you realize it never went away, she just hid it. The problem with that is, the eating disorders only grow stronger the longer you have them.
Eating disorder hell to me is...
thinking about and fearing food and often social situations that may have food...or, any social situations because you feel so bad about your body.
It's lying to the people you love to hide the eating disorder. It's being so scared about your situation but feeling hopeless. It's being terrified to eat a peice of pizza without being able to purge, but being able to eat a whole pizza if you know you can purge.
It's feeling disgusting, dirty, ashamed, strange, weak, SELFISH, horrible...every minute.
It's saying 'this is the last time I will binge and purge' but then tomorrow comes and you do it again or 'today, I will eat three normal meals' and then deciding to throw a bagel out your car window because you don't want the calories, even though you know you will binge and purge later.
Thanks for your response. I think couneling may help. Im a little unsure what my daughter will do this fall as she heads off to college. I am gratful for yor comments. I hope you find healing and freedom one day.
Bulimia hell for me is binging and purging for three days without really leaving my apartment... Not answering the phone... No make-up on, I look like hell because all I can do is cry or binge and purge... Occasionally I leave for a store where I think no one will know me (dollar store) to go buy easy-binge-purge food. My face is puffy, my eyes red and I feel like a fat ass and completely worthless and hopeless. That is bulimia hell to me and I'm in it.
AS I read these comments I have to say that I feel like I am not the only one, That is really silly for me to say because I have seen many people go through this and that makes me even more ashamed. I cannot do simple things that bring me joy, my husband tells me that I am a diffrent person. My life is a bulimic hell.
"It's being terrified to eat a peice of pizza without being able to purge, but being able to eat a whole pizza if you know you can purge. "
so true.for me, bulimia hell has stages:
prebinge- knowing im going to binge but not caring- feeling euphoria, excitement to eat the whole tub of ice cream i bought
during binge- zoning out and eating food i don't even LIKE most of the time, thinking should i stop?should i stop? can i stop? the feeling of sickness in my stomach that begs me to, but i dont
post-binge- throwing up and trying to do so quietly so noone can hear me.drying my tears, seeing my puffy face, feeling FAT
and this is the clincher to bulimia hell:
getting a call during any of these stages to go downtown to dance, meet up with friends or go shopping....and me picking bulimia over that real life im supposed to nbe living
- the depression is a cycle- im fat, so ill eat, ill throw up cause im fat. up and down up and down up and down in weight. all or nothing- im so sick of being on the edge
So...I'm kind of new to this whole thing. I just came out as a bulimaarexic in February and I've only had the habit since Novemnber. I've been seeing a therapist and talking to people but certain days are just awful. My mom is coming down to help move me out of school next week and she's meeting with my therapist. I'm having trouble describing exactly what I'm going through so I decided to do some googling yesterday. I found this link and it captured exactly how I felt. A lot of the times in the morning I take a granola bar to class so that I'm in public and I can't throw it up. I hate how food is a threat. It's so true that you feel afraid to eat a single piece of pizza if you know you can't purge and then order a whole one and eat it when you know you can. There is a vending machine outside my dorm room and it has created a personal hell for me. I freak out if I can't find quarters or single dollar bills in my room. Somedays I don't eat at all and that gets pretty difficult because I'm a dancer so I have hours of class everyday on top of the hour that I spend in the gym. I want control of my life back. But anywyas, thanks for leaving some of those comments. I think it will really help my mom to understand. I think I'm going to try blogging a little more often and see if it helps. Don't give up hope ladies! We can do this!
not living... that's what bulimia hell means to me.
I have had bulimia for years. Have never told anyone and tried to heal myself but I keep falling back. I've just disvored this secret society...a world of bulimics...I do find comfort, that I'm not the only one, but gets even more upset that so many are suffering but are to ashamed, just like me, to do anything about it...
bulimia hell:
wanting food - eating,
not wanting food - eating,
hungry - eating,
full - eating,
sad - eating,
happy - eating,
eating, eating, eating till am stuffed and feel absolutely disgusted with myself and then throw up the food and some of the feelings. Then promising myself never to do it again, and then doing it again, and again. If a had a penny for every time I have told myself that this was the last time I would be rich.
I know I am hurting myself, but I can't stop. I need help, but am too ashamed to tell anyone. I feel lonely and depressed most of the time.
Bulimia hell for me -
Knowing that the food I'm about to eat had thousands of calories, and that ammount could usually last me for a week or two (I'm bulimarexic).
Feeling that I can't stop, even though I know I should.
Not being able to bring up the the food I just binged on, because I'm so weak and my throat is so sore from throwing up every day for the last week.
Seeing the left over binge food in my cupboard.
Eating the left over binge food, and not having time to purge it.
My whole life has turned into mia hell. Everything revolves around this disease, and I'm miserable. I have arguments with myself every time I think of food: "I can eat that, it won't hurt'. 'No you can't you fat cow. Don't be stupid'. I always end up giving in anyway, and cramming whatever I can get my hands on into my mouth.
This existance is disgusting.
I am devastated! I've just found out my daughter has been bulimic for 11 years. How have I not noticed? Am I the only one who hasn't? I love her more than anything in the world. I have tried to give her everything - alone. I know what triggered it off. Her dad. He took her brothers away. She feels that he doesn't love her. He does. He just couldn't cope with her being so young. I tried to be everything. It's not enough. She's in living hell and I didn't see it. Everyone else did. I'm a bad mother. I can't live without her. She's my life. I want to see her wake up with a lust for life. She's 22. She's beautiful and talented, and she's killing herself before my eyes. How do I help her???? It's tearing me apart.
i really want to stop but it kills me that i physically and mentally can't stop this vicious starve/binge/purge cycle...
in the past 2 weeks, i've lost 13 pounds and gained it from full-on starving down to lemon juice, caffeine pills and laxatives for a week and this quickly slipped into frequent events of binging and purging...
what bothers me most is that i used to be able to not eat more than 300 calories for more than 2+ months w/ workouts. i can hardly do that for a week now...and i just wish i could be normal and happy like my sisters and school friends...
i think that if anyone starts to restrict from a young age, go and seek help. by not telling anyone my problems it didn't help me. i was diagnosed with anorexia when i was 11/12 yrs, i'm 16 now and was treated last year again which has obviously come to a fail. i hate living like this most of the time i know i would be better off dead.
I want to go to college i want to shower. i want to sleep at night and live by day. i have missed college all week. i have missed sun light. i am at my wits end and frightened now. no more
You should absolutely stop being bulimic. I was bulimic for 6 and half years. Sometimes, I purged like twice or three times a day, and during the period, my body looked OK but my face and calves looked funny. Stop being bulimic, and everything will be fine. I'm recovered from it for 3 months. I've never felt this good in the past 7 years. Trust me, you'll look much better without bulimia.
I am so glad that I found this site. I really need some help. I have been bulimic on and off for the past 6 years. It is at its worse right now. I eat ridiculous large amounts, and purge. 3 times a day. I was losing weight and now I'm not. I am by no means skinny. So now that I havent been losing any weight (I'm a size 13) I am eating more and purging more. My throat is sore and face is puffy. Please give some advice. I have not told anyone (my husband and mother look at this as week and stupid) and I could use any help.
During the day i have nothing but glasses of milk or cupa-soups. then i throw them up. its easy, i just push it all up with my stomach muscles into the bathroom basin.
i work in office so thats easy, but binge-purging isnt. people would notice. i wait till i get home. i go to the store and stuff my handbag with foods simply becasue i know that theyre high calorie, or easy to get rid of. i dont even have to like the food, i steal it anyway. im a kleptomanic too - and besides, i cant buy it, people will think im a fat pig (even tho im clearly underweight). when i get home i dont know where to start, im exited but scared. up untill the last few months i struggled with anorexia or more excact 'addiction to dangerously long fasting' for a year a half. i think i was just bored with life when i started my fasts, it was like a game, then an obsession. i still dont eat unless i know im going to get rid of it straight away. i dont even know HOW to eat like a normal person anymore. there has to be restrictions and rules! my binge always starts with the easist purge foods, cream cheese mmmm, and i throw it up as i go so i dont risk too many calories if i have a bad purge day and it doesnt come out. i start to feel myself losing control and im scared, i manage to stop myself before i finish the whole jar of cream cheese and start on the chocolates and cream biscuits. i spend the rest of the night crying. the next day i go back to my liquid/purge diet which im sure will kill me in the next few months. i dont even keep water down. This is what hell is - the waste of money, the waste of health and the waste of life.
AND no reason...
I am a freshman and Ive been purging for a year now...:'(
Whenever I eat..I feel a bit full but kept on eating..I just cant stop!!
I feel like a idiot..
I really wish I can stop..
I am wasting my parents money..
and I surely will pay for this sin.
:(
but i will try my best to recover,..by myself.
I am a freshman in HS, and I've been bulimic for about 2 to 3 years. It seems like I can't even remember when I was NOT bulimic. It started with my dad calling me fat after I had quit figure skating and gained around 5 to 10 lbs. My years of bulimia haven't helped me lost weight at all. In fact, it's made me gain around 10 pounds of weight. I want to stop, but I can't. It's absolute hell for me. I don't want my boyfriend to hug me because I feel fat and ugly and bloated from my last binge. I don't want to hang out with friends because I'm afraid of looking like crap and eating too much. and worst of all, every night, I lie in bed afraid to die because I know that if this continues, it'll take me life someday.
being nothing
To DLynn, perhaps you should stop cleaning up after your daughter and enabling her, and instead insist and help her seek help. My mom found out after a friend had called her..mind you it had been two years, she yelled at me becuase she thought I had lied to my friend to get attention, but really I had hid it so well that she had never known. Then she got me help, and the most help she could. She didn't clean up after me and insist it was a "habit." get a grip lady, fucking help your kid and stop cleaning up after her.
My daughter is home from being away for 18 months at college. She's doing better, we talk and love one another through this. There is respect between us and a wonderful mother daughter relationship. Allot has changed since I first posted here.
I pray I could afford to get her help. Until then, listenIng , loving and understanding is what I can do... It's free and it brings healing. I love her deeply. I'm signing off this blog for now. I pray that anyone who is struggling with ED finds healing for their mind,soul and spirit. That you realize your value as a person and see yourself as a beautiful creation.
Take care.
I started my bulimia when I was just 8 years old! It is such a complicated problem - and the reason why one develops it can be so diverse...
Something, somewhere triggers it...
My bulimia lasted 12 years.. At the age of 20 I finally decided to get help. I realized that I needed to change my sub conscious mind if I wanted to end my bulimia.
CBT is really helpful - and also positive energy treatment.
You can read my review of this treatment here:
http://www.your-bulimia-recovery.com/bulimia-self-help.html
Recovery is possible - If one bulimic can do it - then we all can... It's just a matter of being taught what to do...
Love to you all!
xox Shaye
Dlynn: I am a sophomore in college right now and have been bulimic for five years now, this is a very very debilitating problem for me and I know from experience when my mother caught me throwing up in the backyard of our home, i told her I was sick and was not feeling well, she dismissed everything that happened and went on, I still regret that day I did not ask her for help and have yet to ask anyone for help. This disease has lead me to have to drop one class this semester and fail another, and I am a usual A student, being at college has not helped at all, it has mostly hurt.
Having the independence I have now living alone in a one bedroom apartment is very difficult to get up everyday without the motivation to do so. After purging as much as I do in a day I am left weak and sick everyday. I used to be a type A personality with everything just the way it was supposed to be everything organized and perfect with my life going the way I had planned and recently things have gotten much worse, the ambition is gone and I blame this solely on my binging and purging habits.
If I can say anything, anything at all please get your daughter help, even if she says she doesnt need it or want it,she does, deep down she really does.
Please get her help.
Bulimia hell for me is looking in the mirror and seeing how fat I still am. it makes me feel like I can't do anything right, even an e.d. Im scared because I'm a high school senior and I've read so many stories about the pressures to be thin in college. It seems like a hopeless cycle with no end in sight.
I pray every day for healing. And thought it's been months since I havnt binged and purged (up to twenty times a day - what a waste of time!!) I still have hope that I WILL get over this.
It seems strange that you can be so disiplined in some areas of your life and completely lack any self-control when it comes to food. I've shoved raw spaghetti, stuffing mix,even squirted tomato ketchup - a whole bottle- down my throat...i can eat 10 bars of chocolate in one sitting and still shove down more. I eat till it hurts. I eat till im doubled up in pain. And it gets worse still. The purging. I purge effortlessly - one heave and its out...again and again until i taste the acid. Sometimes i 'rinse' my stomach out drinking a few cups of water then purging them too just to make sure there's NOTHING left in there. Maybe it's just me but it's not unusual for me to stick my hand in the vomit to check it's consistency (if it's thick, if it's lumpy i know i've got a lot out - hopefully all.)
I wish I knew why i do this. I wish I could stop. Im so scared people at university will find out what I do - that my friends will find out. Who'd want to be my friend then?
I hate causing so much worry and pain for my parents and my sisters. I look at myself in the mirror and im a wreck - i say to myself I'll eat more..try gain a couple pounds...and I do (eat more that is) but I never keep any of it down. I stuff myself at dinner and then go shower and bring it all up - i blocked the sink today (i can't bear to stick my head down the toilet - and yet here i am puking all the time) - luckily i managed to unclog it before anyone noticed - still gross though. Go to bed starving. Can't sleep. Wake up and the cycle starts over again. BUT I BELIEVE I WILL HEAL..that this will become a thing of the past - a bad memory.
I pray every day...mostly for motivation. We all want to stop but it seems so impossible it's hard to find motivation. I'm going to start praying for the many other silent sufferers out there. That you too will have strength. That we can heal!
Hopefully one day I'll right on this blog again - recovered.
Bulimia hell to me is waking up in the morning with the best intentions and trying to eat a sensible lunch which just turn into hours of endless eating...then throwing it up and feeling hungry again. So eating again, then throwing that up again. Then getting a diet soda in hopes it will cure my desire to continue eating. Then still eating after that. Then purging, then my throat hurting, then having my husband come home and I go in the bathroom and realize that I forgot to clean the toilet and I left the spoon that i use to purge myself on the sink. Then him wanting sex, but I feel disgusting because I've consumed more than he has in an entire week.
Bulimia hell is forgetting to take out the trash and then realizing you've left your evidence for all to see.
Bulimia hell is bingeing and being unsuccessful at purging. Living with the guilt of all those calories that just won't seem to come out.
Bulimia hell is the raw, bloody knuckles on my hands from being constantly wet.
Bulimia hell is teeth aching, throat hurting.
Bulimia hell is walking around my house with it being a total disaster, but all I can think about is bingeing and purging.
Bulimia hell is not knowing for sure how many calories have been absorbed and how many purged.
God help me
My definition is that it's the process of when one eats larger amounts of foods than they should at one time, thousands of calories during one binging session, then very shortly afterwards purges the food that they have just eaten.
See http://bulimiasecrets.com/define-bulimia they offer free and confidential online help for bulimia.
Getting to the stage where you feel as though you no longer have control. The control that you thought you had is just an illusion, the ed is what is really in control now!
There is no rational, only the demon in your mind telling you that you are worthless, that you are ugly, that you are fat!
Seeing no other way out but to end your life because you would rather people know that you killed yourself, rather then them knowing that you have an eating disorder.
Bulimia hell...
reading a lot of these definitions have made me feel i am not alone in this and knowing others suffer the shame and depression i feel and knowing that people want to recover from this bulimia hell just like me
my face is puffy my social life is deteriorating and my self worth and hunger for life, love and anything other than food and then guilt is dying.
i have got help and it worked for a few days but this evil side of me has come back
i pray that we will win and get back or start a life of love and happiness for our bodies and our lives
no one understands but us
reading a lot of these definitions have made me feel i am not alone in this and knowing others suffer the shame and depression i feel and knowing that people want to recover from this bulimia hell just like me
my face is puffy my social life is deteriorating and my self worth and hunger for life, love and anything other than food and then guilt is dying.
i have got help and it worked for a few days but this evil side of me has come back
i pray that we will win and get back or start a life of love and happiness for our bodies and our lives
no one understands but us
just trying to live life with being bulimic is hell. I'm pretty sure it's about almost as low as I can get now. My fiance made me go back to my mom's for who knows how long, and I don't know if I'm even still engaged. And the really crappy thing about it is all I want to do is think about what I'm going to eat tomorrow and how fast I'll be able to get rid of it.
I'm starting therapy for the first time for this tomorrow, and I'm scared to death. I've never been honest about any of it, or how bad it can get. I'm ashamed to admit the truth. And i hate that most my thoughts just revolve around food. Any time anyone tries to talk to me I just get so defensive and put up a wall around me, and now I'm scared it's cost me the person I love most, he won't even talk to me, and part of me can't blame him, but then part of me hates him for making me do this alone
Hi all
I agree, fantastic blog! I myself used to have suffer from bulimia from age 16-21 and at 26 am happy to say i'm fully recovered!
I'm now an English teacher living in Sydney and have always wanted to be a published novelist. i'm in the process of writing my first novel at the moment. As you can imagine, the best characters to create are those that are drawn from our life experiences, so it will not be a surprise then that my central character suffers with bulimia.
I was wondering if anyone would be interested in conversing by email with me about stories they have had, difficulties faced etc. so that i may create an even more rounded and realistic character? The character i'm talking about actually stars her own blog in the novel so i'm trying to read as many as i can!
Would be great to hear from you if you are keen. Please contact me at ktp_247@hotmail.co.uk
Bulimia hell is faking sick to leave work so that you can go home in purge. It is going for coffee at work and purging in the Starbucks bathroom. It is lying in bed at night after purging wondering if you've done damage to your heart and hoping that you wake up. It is finally getting your eating under control, only to not be able to stop purging. It is a puffy bloated face, broken capillaries under your eyes and rotten teeth. It is humiliation over having an eating disorder and not being thin and constantly hating what you see in the mirror. It is utter terror and shame at the prospect of having to eat in front of others. Bulimia has made me a liar and deceitful. It has made me reclusive and has isolated me from friends; I don't go anywhere if I don't think I can purge once there.
To me, Bulimia hell is never being able to escape the thought. No matter where I am or what I eat, I can't think about anything but throwing it all up. It's never being able to enjoy anything I eat. It's knowing that I'm hurting myself.
My bulimia hell is very much that of all of you.... except for 7 months I wasn't, I was a normal 28 year old and thought I would never do it again.... until a stressful time comes into my life. Already this week I've spent £120 on food that I then purged.The worst thing about this is I KNOW I have the power in me to stop, I KNOW I can train my thoughts and I KNOW I can find that happiness that is bursting to get out and live life but I don't seem to choose that option. Instead I eat which sends my bind blank.... not thoughts until it's time to be sick.... and then a strange feeling of 'OK that is the last time and happy that it's out of my body'! Mediation and Acupuncture are the way forward to help me relax the constant thoughts in my head and relax my body. For some reason reading these blogs may have made me realise that I felt sad for you feeling as bad as I feel a lot of the time. Let's not pity ourselves anymore and take control of our 1 chance at this life. Love to you all.
I have been bulimic for four years now..i started college this year and im still struggling, mu face is getting puffy and i hate looking at myself in the mirror...How long till that goes away? How did you all stop this addiction i hate it so much and want to be my normal self again
Ive suffered from this disease for four years now...i just started college. My face is now getting puffy and i cant stand looking at myself in the mirror. How do i get rid of that is there any tricks to make it go away faster.I cant live like this anymore please help me and give me advice.
I remember the days of hell. I'm so glad to be on the other side of it. Hell to me back then was spending an entire day thinking about and then binging and purging, no matter what was going on in my life. The worst was when I had to be at work and felt compelled to purge there. I felt like such a fraud.
bulimia hell: eating right all day.. drinking lots of water to feel full.. staring at the ceiling trying to sleep thinking of food. waiting for everyone in the house to fall asleep so I won't be bothered and purge without having to "take a shower". avoiding social situations where I'll be offered food because I know I can't throw it up.. I've stood in the kitchen breaking eating records left and right but everyone jokes saying how small my appetite is.. I'll weigh myself 15-20 times a day, If I put on say 10 pounds of food during my binge I won't leave the bathroom until all 10 pounds have come back up.. my face is bloated, my hands are shaking, and I finally feel tired enough to fall asleep.
Bulimia hell ... is the lowest point I have reached in my life thus far.
I keep digging this hole and there is no bottom ..
I eat a normal breakfast.. but then I begin to eat senselessly, causing overeating, and purging. I feel like the things I eat crazy amounts of are justified because I can rid them in a purge. I give up my social life in order to feel comfort by bingeing.
I just moved back into my parents house after living in an apartment with a friend for a while for the sole reason that I cannot be alone the amount of time I have been.
Being alone means being free of worry that someone will hear you, see you.
After purging, my eyes are so watery, my face is so puffy, my nose is so runny, and I smell sickly. I do what I can to cover my tracks, but it lingers with me.. it scares me that this has become a routine. Something I do mindlessly. I need to be scared of this. I need to fear it.
I have no idea what to do to fix me.
Seeing a therapist didn't help. Should I try another person ? What is the best therapy for this disease?
Bulimia Hell for me, is spending soo much money on food that just ends up being in the toilet moments later...The feeling inbetween a binge and purge-failure, sadness, anxiety... For me, I went through a stage where I was binging and purging and was very skinny. Now, I am overweight and still putting myself through the vicious cycle. I decided this week it has to stop...I started a blog to track my progress, my feelings and everything inbetween.
I believe I am strong enough to get over this, because I want out of the bulimia hell
the selfishness of this disorder and myself. I would steal, lie and break just to get my fix.....The time between the next B&Purge is spent hating myself and wallowing in my pity. Bulimia hell is finding hope and twenty minutes later, smothering it with food and throwing it up.
Bulimia Hell is a deep dark hole I'm living in now. I know if I climb up there'll be some bright light over the ground above. I know if i want to climb up there I must work really hard and can't even go one step back...to get to that light where normal people live.
However, I'm scared once I get on the ground, I will be lost. I will not know what I'm going to do where I'm going to go. Above of all where I'm going to hide and lick myself when I'm hurt or in pain.
That's why, though it's a HELL, I'm still living and can't help feeling safe living here ..alone.
Deep Dark Hole
Bulimia Hell is a deep dark hole I'm living in now. I know if I climb up there'll be some bright light over the ground above. I know if i want to climb up there I must work really hard and can't even go one step back...to get to that light where normal people live.
However, I'm scared once I get on the ground, I will be lost. I will not know what I'm going to do where I'm going to go. Above of all where I'm going to hide and lick myself when I'm hurt or in pain.
That's why, though it's a HELL, I'm still living and can't help feeling safe living here ..alone.
My mom called me out infront of my boyfriend about mybulimia, saying how i binge so much and throw up... im humiliated. This was not my choice to be bulimic. Im a prior anorexic sufferer, and as bad as i want to stop, i physically can't.
I wish she would understand.
I know its wrong and all I'm doing is hurting myself but I cant stand the fact of eating and knowing i will gain weight it terrifies me. I don't binge but I do purge everything I eat. Everything! I'm weak and tired and it hurts to go through this everyday. I wish people in my life could understand that I cant stop on my one. I also exercise a lot I've lost a huge amount of weight but I don't seem to be happy with it since i know i could lose more and more. Im "thin" but i dont feel thin i dont think im thin but everyone else say so. I'm lost. I'm tired.
It's preposterous, amazing, and horrifically embarrassing to me that I have been battling this disease for well over 20 years. I have 3 healthy sons (thank god) and a husband who adores me. No one knows of this internal battle I struggle with. Sure, there have been times (certainly during my pregnancies, breastfeeding times that I have been "purge free" but this evil ghost rears it's head all the time. I exercise as much as possible and want to literally kill myself each time I go to purge. I can't stop and I don't know what, but what I'm scared of is opening up for someone to help me with this and then it leading to my ability to care for my children. I care for my children each and every day and that is most fulfilling, wonderful part to my life that actually keeps me going --in an ironic way.
Does anyone else relate to this?
I need help.
Please
To me, Bulimia hell is waking up every day and thinking of what you can eat first, what is the easiest thing to purge, and how you can get around social situations where normally you would loose control. I hate thinking about food 24/7...I hate that my knuckles are tore apart from purging. It's not being able to control yourself once you start eating. It's that ungodly feeling of your throat being on fire all the time. It's looking at yourself in the mirror after a binge and seeing your stomach stick out like your 9 months pregnant. It's always having to have some sort of plan on how to get rid of the food if you eat in public. It's being selfish. It's that awful feeling you get when you know you didnt puke everything up. It's people asking you why you're in the bathroom for so long all the time. It's planning those late night binges after everyone is in bed. It's pushing people away because you're too scared someone will find out about your disgusting habit. It's everyone asking you how you lost so much weight and what your tricks are, and you have to make up some kind of story. It's knowing that you'll spend the majority of your night on the elliptical or running and working out after dinner if you couldn't get it all up. It's smoking cigs and drinking coffee to try and make the hunger pains go away after a purge in hopes you wont eat again....but who are we kidding...we'll end up eating, like always. It's the NEVER ENDING CYCLE that you go through everyday with food. I hate everything about this disorder and what it has done to me. My house is a wreck, i haven't cleaned in weeks. It's disgusting. It's running my life and i feel like there's no way out.
To me, Bulimia hell is waking up every day and thinking of what you can eat first, what is the easiest thing to purge, and how you can get around social situations where normally you would loose control. I hate thinking about food 24/7...I hate that my knuckles are tore apart from purging. It's not being able to control yourself once you start eating. It's that ungodly feeling of your throat being on fire all the time. It's looking at yourself in the mirror after a binge and seeing your stomach stick out like your 9 months pregnant. It's always having to have some sort of plan on how to get rid of the food if you eat in public. It's being selfish. It's that awful feeling you get when you know you didnt puke everything up. It's people asking you why you're in the bathroom for so long all the time. It's planning those late night binges after everyone is in bed. It's pushing people away because you're too scared someone will find out about your disgusting habit. It's everyone asking you how you lost so much weight and what your tricks are, and you have to make up some kind of story. It's knowing that you'll spend the majority of your night on the elliptical or running and working out after dinner if you couldn't get it all up. It's smoking cigs and drinking coffee to try and make the hunger pains go away after a purge in hopes you wont eat again....but who are we kidding...we'll end up eating, like always. It's the NEVER ENDING CYCLE that you go through everyday with food. I hate everything about this disorder and what it has done to me. My house is a wreck, i haven't cleaned in weeks. It's disgusting. It's running my life and i feel like there's no way out.
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