I can't stop eating. Today I ate sugar cookies, chocolates, and cupcakes with red frosting that stained my teeth a lovely fluorescent pink. Oh and I had a hamburger and fries for lunch. I don't know why I'm rebelling against myself. I feel like crap. I think my teeth are going to jump out of my skull while I sleep tonight out of shock from the ridiculous amount of sugar I've consumed today. And for what?
However my crushy crush crush did give me chocolates and an e-card. I gave him candy too and he looked so happy when he saw it and he hugged me. I need a boyfriend but I know I can't find one until I lose weight. Am I being fatalistic or is that a big fat slice of reality pie?
By the way, today I had a burning desire to go to the gym and I DID NOT GO. Instead I ate more. What is wrong with me exactly... is it something besides an eating disorder? Do I have chronic laziness syndrome? Acute compulsive slothiness?
someone please tell me how to fix myself...
2 comments:
Dear Mandy,
I would love to give you a hug and tell you just how beautiful you are! Reading your blog, I was thinking 'no, no, no, that's all backwards! Why do we get stuck in these dead-end thinking patterns?!' The thing is, you don't need to lose weight in order to find a boyfriend! The trick is for you to accept yourself the way you are! I know this is so much easier said then done (it's an ongoing struggle for me, believe me!), but from experience I can guarantee you: if you learn to love yourself, people will be automatically drawn to you! One book which helps me a lot when I start to fall back into my old self-destructive thinking patterns is "You Can Heal Your Life" by Louise Hay. I got it as an audio book and would listen to it while cleaning the house, walking, running... I highly, highly recommend her book! She is so great!
As far as the exercising, I know all too well the vicious cycle you are trapped in. You're feeling fat, so you want to exercise, but feeling fat makes you feel depressed, so you decide to eat food for comfort instead, only to end up feeling more depressed afterwards. I'm not sure what the best advice is to get started, but, for myself, the best motivation to exercise is to already have an established exercise routine. Then I know how much better I feel with exercise and don't want to go without it. Starting out is hard, but it is soo worth it! Give yourself a little kick in the butt. Think of a way to reward yourself for exercising (preferably something non-food-related). Exercising is also the best motivator for me to not snack and eat junk. I find that I eat much healthier the days I exercise.
Don't get discouraged, girl! I know too well what it's like spending your life feeling weak and ashamed for once again having allowed yourself too many indulgences. It doesn't mean you're weak. You're strong! Just start listening to your intuition about what makes you feel best, and do just that! Even if it's having that piece of chocolate cake! Sometimes, it's medicine for your soul. Just don't beat yourself up about it! Remember, you are beautiful!!!
xoxoxo
Emily
Good grief -- have you been reading MY mind?
It's all so confusing sometimes, isn't it?
Nice to meet another struggling person.
:)
~tt
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