under pressure

I'm sorry I haven't felt like writing in the past few days. I haven't been doing well at all with eating. I keep eating things I don't want to eat, and not exercising when I truly feel like doing it. I did a bit of thinking today about why I am so stuck (besides the obvious that trying to recover from this shit is hard as hell anyway).

I realized some of the problem in moving forward is that I've put myself under a lot of pressure to lose weight for these fancy events in April (brother's wedding, etc). So each day is not just a new day, it's one day closer to the big event where I must look good. I have to find two different flattering dresses. I wanted to lose like 25 lbs. and I still feel like I can if I work out like, 2 hours a day and eat 1,000 calories a day. But each day that I don't do that is a big colossal failure and then the guilt sets in and panic begins to rise... This is not a healthy approach to start in on recovery.

Well I can't get rid of this pressure entirely because the events are happening no matter what, and the dress shopping will eventually have to commence as well. So the only thing I can do is try to deal with it in a healthy way and not in an ED way. I accept that it's not realistic for me to try to lose 25 lbs in 8 weeks, as much as it breaks my heart to give up this dream which finds fulfillment around the corner. It is realistic for me to try to do some sort of exercise five days a week, but isn't that realistic for the rest of my life?

I don't know, I just wrote that I accept it's not realistic, but that's not really true. When I wrote exercise five days a week my mind started in on its calculations of how much weight I can lose... I just want to be thin! ok ok deep breath, calm down... I need to start working out but NOT for this or any event. No April deadline looming. Just so I can move towards feeling good about myself.

ok I feel better already.