TGIF

Today was a good day. I worked out and ate well. I also took the stairs twice today... first five flights with my heavy backpack and then three flights later. I can't believe how hard stairs are to climb. I think that is the ultimate litmus test to check what kind of shape you're in.

I did a ball class at the gym this afternoon. It was strength and conditioning with a big rubber ball and medicine ball and some weights too. It was not too much cardio so it wasn't too hard for me, even though I am such a klutz. I thought I looked just slightly thinner than yesterday in the big mirror, but it could be just what I was wearing.

By the way I am tempted to weigh myself but I don't think I will for awhile. For some reason I don't really care what I weigh because I can see how I look in the mirror.

Anyway then I did 25 min on the bike... Not too intense at all because I am SOOOOO sore. It hurts to walk, but yet that feels great.

I did kind of feel like crap tonight because I had this freakout that my crushy crush crush (C3 for short) was possibly on a date tonight. I don't have any real knowledge that he was, but still the idea of it really hurts. I can't believe I am so insecure to let that upset me. It's so stupid because it is just a crush but I think I really count on the happy feeling it gives me to fill up that part of my life. One very small note though is that in the midst of this panic about what he was up to, my thoughts were of course 1) "lose weight lose weight lose weight" but then I thought "hey dumbass why don't you just tell him how you feel so you can forget him if he doesn't like you." I have never considered such a thing before because, even though he is a good friend and I know I would not lose his friendship by telling him that, the idea of rejection is just SO terrifying. I think everybody has had traumatic events in their life and looking back, the times involving rejection and loneliness were the most traumatic for me. So that is very unusual for me to have that pop in my head and I think it is a sign of... gasp... maturity.

Tomorrow I will see a great friend I have not seen in a few months. It is sad that I am thinking about how I am fatter than I was the last time she saw me. But so what... I am thinking about the future now. It sounds strange to say I'm still growing up at my age, but I guess we never stop growing up.