I really do believe that.
I think this back injury happened to force me to wake up and realize how I (mis)treat my body. I abuse the shit out of it so it makes sense that something, somewhere is going to go wrong.
I've also learned from my inability to cope with the situation. I can barely keep it together under normal conditions because my eating disorder is such an attention whore. I keep it together, barely. But add one more major stressor and it's total meltdown.
I've also learned that with some of my friends, I was trying to "fit" them. I need to find friends who fit me - fortunately I do have a few, and today I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to have them.
It makes me feel both good and sad to read the comments I get here... when people write to say they identify with me. That feels good, like there is someone out there holding my hand even I can't see them. But it makes me sad to know that just like me, they are another person lost and suffering on their own.
And then I get mad and I think, we have to change this. We have to make it so people know bulimia is not a sentence they've been forced to serve for a crime they may or may not have committed. Bulimia and depression are not personality defects, or a sign of a bad or weak person. I hate it when people make me feel like that. Fuck them.
And then I realize that I like to feel that anger, that pissed off feeling that is not guilt. It means there is still a fighter inside me, a tough person who still can turn this thing around whenever she is ready.
I want to get better and I want to take you all with me.
3 comments:
i love it. please. lets do this together.
Hi Mandy,
I haven't been around for a while, and I had a lot of catching up to do. I'm so sorry you're feeling depressed lately.
Listen, in late 1996 I was diagnosed with clinical depression. It runs in both sides of my family, my mother even having had electroshock therapy when she was really young..Anyways, they put me on prozac, and I thought I was a new person. It was like I felt normal, and not sad, not teary anymore. At the very least, I didn't want to die anymore. The future started looking okay, and MIA didn't seem like as much of a burden. Then, mysteriously, after a couple of months, it stopped working. I started spiralling downward, big-time. So they put me on Zoloft. And it worked. And it still works. My brother is seriously depressed too, but so far nothing has really worked for him, poor thing. Anyways, see if you can't try something different. I know that Zoloft is one of those drugs they give to people with eating disorders, and it might work for you too!
Keep hanging in there girlfriend. We're all here.
Big Hug.
Miss Blue
my blog is called Daily Reasons. I started it a few days ago. It's really helping me. Wish me luck. And good luck to you. I totally understand the prozac thing, I couldn't laugh at funny movies when I was on it 5 years ago. Organic. hmm... I may try that.
take care- E
dailyreasons.blogspot.com/
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