the darkness

I've been having a really hard time holding on lately, but my mind never stops. I'm always forced to examine and reexamine myself. It's a hard time because what I want for myself is not necessarily what others want or expect of me. In fact I've been realizing lately that nobody even knows me or what I'm really like. I pour my heart out onto these pages for Internet strangers to read. My real-life "friends" either don't have time for me or more likely, don't care to know the real me, this me. People want to hear how everything is great. Have you noticed that people will come up to you and say, "So how's your dying grandma/cousin/gardener/gardener's grandma's cousin/etc doing?" but they won't ask, "So how are you doing with your eating disorder?" People like to hear that everything is fine. Well fuck those people.

I've been thinking about who I am and how 2006 Me is not the same person as 2002 Me, which was the last time I made a big change in my life. That girl thought her future was set. But 2006 Me needs more from her future. I have goals that I now don't just WANT to accomplish, but that I NEED to accomplish. I was meant to accomplish them. Those new dreams are replacing old dreams. It is very hard and sad to say goodbye to dreams that (like that pair of size 8 Gap jeans I bought on sale) never fit me.

I love these lyrics - from Pacing the Cage by Jimmy Buffett

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend

more later...

I am not hungry

but I want to binge. I want to go to 7-11 and buy up as many of their donuts as possible, even though they probably have been sitting out for nearly a day now.

But I'm not going to... at least not this one time. I made myself ask, how much will be enough? and there isn't an answer. Even every donut left at every 7-11 in a 10 mile radius won't be enough - I'd still be hungry (emotionally).

I'm cooking a Healthy Choice dinner instead because I think I am actually a bit hungry. It's about 250 calories.

I am so lonely and bored. Did I mention this lately?

I'm so depressed

I'm going for a walk now.

I feel like I have a broken heart... for no real reason.

thanks for the feedback

I love getting messages from blog readers. You guys have the best perspective and understand so much more than the people I know in person... I really need to start an ED support group.

Why do I feel like such a loser because I can't "stop" eating? It is what goes through my head all day long: "how can I stop eating... why can't I stop eating... what if I could just stop eating... I need to stop eating." I ignore the voice and overeat to rebel, and the voice gets louder. Yet I don't listen to the voice... only let it berate me. I know it's stupid and impossible but I still do it.

Tonight I went for a walk. It wasn't very long, just about 25 minutes. It didn't lift me up but made me tired. I should try to go every night. I saw fireflies tonight :-)

time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping... into the future

It's another new month. Looking back I don't know if I'm even a teensiest bit better than when I started this blog. I'm different, older and wiser, but am I better?

I went to Borders tonight. There sure are a lot of books out there. It really got me thinking how I need to write my book. I have to get better first.

It's a few months until my birthday. 30. I am really feeling stressed about it and what that will mean. I think this is going to be a very hard summer.

PS I'm lonely

I didn't mean to sound like a brat

...or that I was saying looks were the only thing that matter to me. Of course that's not true at all!

I had a pretty good day today. I was not very hungry. I really thought to myself: what I will accomplish by bingeing, and more specifically, what will it take to make me satisfied? How much is enough? The answer is that it's never enough. There's always more food to be eaten. I can eat nonstop for the rest of my life and there will still be more food.

I cannot sleep. I am so stressed out... well, I will blog more later. Thank you for all the support. I am so happy people like to read my thoughts.

looks do matter motherfuckers

The most important thing is that I lose weight. That is it. That is the key to my happiness and anyone who says differently doesn't know me or is full of shit. I'm tired of hearing "oh looks don't matter" from hypocrites who judge people on their looks. They may not realize they're doing it, but they do it just the same, and I've seen it.

We're supposed to have this PC, granola outlook on life where looks don't matter. People tell their children that, friends tell friends that. Well it's not doing anybody any good to pretend fantasy is reality. Looks DO matter. People should tell their children, "The world will judge you on your looks so take care of your appearance."

I'm not saying looks are the ONLY thing that matter. You absolutely have to have something to back them up - talent, personality, heart, etc. But if you're fat or ugly, you're not going to get the same shot or same treatment an attractive person will get. You'll be at a disadvantage.

Yesterday in my class we had a speaker who is a local TV reporter. She looks about 30 but is only 23. She is an absolute twig, just tiny. I'm talking size 0 tiny. She said she lost 25 lbs because she had to look the part. She also had to relax and press her hair (she's black). She said "yes, some people think I'm a sellout but I'm doing what I love, I'm able to tell the stories that need to be told, and to get here I HAD to make sacrifices and change myself." She said also that the lifespan of her career in front of the cameras will be another 10-15 years, tops. People don't want to hear these things, but it's reality.

I don't think I'm a shallow person for wanting to be thin or even saying outright that I will never be happy until I lose weight. Losing weight WILL be a success story for me. I'm just tired of caring about all these other things and other people when my happiness is not dependent on any of those things or people.

If I didn't care how I looked or how much I weighed then I could recover from bulimia in one second. But I have to factor in my desire to lose weight at the same time. In fact I am going to use it as motivation to recover, because I know that I can never lose weight living this way. The bulimia cycle is not a path to thinness and will only keep me fat and miserable.

Have I said all this stuff before? I don't remember...

I've been doing crappy

blah blah blah blah blah blah... that is how I feel. It's not depression it's just... I don't know what's wrong with me except it feels a bit like PMS. I'm still taking the Seasonale so I don't knnow what's up with that. Maybe it's a period anyway. I've been having cramps, insatiable hunger, feeling pissed off AND I got a cold sore (which means mega hormones).

I shouldn't make excuses. I want to get better and find a different life. I know I have the strength to do it somewhere. Thank you to those who write here that they believe in me... it gives me the strength.

what's wrong with me

I've been doing terribly. Totally destructive and out of control. Why? I don't know. I think it was a combination of forgetting to take the Prozac for about a week and this bland BRAT diet. Bad combination.

I just have to try again.

Tomorrow I willl see the nutritionist. I will have to confess I've been doing terribly.

I'm sorry.

you'll never guess what :-)

The professor allowed me to take the final :-) The teacher's assistant emailed me on Sunday and said the professor was a very nice and understanding person. I can't believe it. Anyway I took it this morning! I got a B on it, which means I should get a C in the class. (I got a D on the first test, an A on the second test, an A on all four papers but like a D average on my quizzes... oops). Wow.

I'm happy I don't have to retake the class, but I'm also happy that I had time to freak out and examine myself. It was really a breakthrough for me to realize how I was not in control, and to contrast that to how fucking pissed off I was a few weeks ago by something work related that was out of my control went wrong. I had a great couple of days, I really feel strong.

everything happens for a reason

today was a remarkably good day. After the shock of last night, it sunk in slowly today that this ridiculous mistake I made can serve a bigger purpose. I'm not an idiot, so the fact that I would do something so stupid shows me that I am not in control of my life. Bulimia is in control of my life, still. And it's in charge because I let it be in charge.

At first I was hoping that there would be some miracle and the professor's assistant would email me back (I sent her some frantic emails) and say it was ok, that I could take the final next week or just write five papers or something. But I never heard from her... and I realized that I didn't deserve to get a second chance. The way I acted was so irresponsible and so inappropriate at the university level that I don't even deserve a response. Virago left me a comment suggesting I level with the professor about my problem, mentioning how she has always found the school to be so supportive when she's explained her health situation...then she added "i could even take advantage of it too much sometimes." Well I don't want to take advantage of it anymore, because I definitely have in the past. In the past three years, I've turned in doctor's notes to three professors saying I have a medical problem and to please consider that in my final grade. (And it "worked" two out of the three times, I got As in the class when my point total was actually a C.) Well I don't want to do that because that is just crap. I don't want a doctor's note for an excuse, I don't want any excuse. I want to be me and do what I am capable of, and that is A-level work!

Tonight I also went to C3's commencement. (Of course he graduated with "highest distinction" summa cum laude whatever because he's Mr. Perfect.) It was terrific and helped me form this epiphany. Well first off I felt a little bit sad afterwards because I don't feel close to him at all and I'm not in any way talking romantically. I feel like we have so much in common that we should be great, close friends and we are such great surface friends but there is just something not connecting. But that's that and I can't force a friendship, so, onto the main point. The keynote speaker mentioned going after your dreams, pursuing your goals, etc about a million times. It occurred to me that my only dream is to be thin. My only goal is to be thin. How empty my life is, how devoid of direction. Dreams of writing a book or a screenplay are inside me somewhere, but I don't give them any attention. I once had the dream of being a veterinarian but I never went forward with it because it got buried by the dream of being thin. I dream about what it will be like to be thin and how amazing that will be, because then everybody will love me and I will be so beautiful and so happy. That is my only dream and goal in life. I think something called logic is now knocking on my head saying, "Hello! McFly?!" What a ridiculous waste of a brain and life and soul.

I still feel very guilty and embarrassed, but what can I do about it. So I enrolled for the same class next semester. Fortunately there were a few spots left. And it's only once a week in the evenings instead of three times a week at 8:30 am! So hopefully it won't be bad.

I'm doing ok with this BRAT diet the last few day. I have not really cheated, except to put ketchup on my white rice. A quart of steamed white rice from the Chinese food place is only 80 cents, a lot less than the $6.50 I paid for my favorite house special fried rice.

I still feel a lot of pressure to lose weight. I saw some new pictures of me (whole body) from two weeks ago and I cannot believe that that is me. I do not feel like I look like that. I don't understand why I can't accurately judge my reflection! It's only in pictures that I can see myself.

You know what, I also have a new dream. I want to do something to help people with eating disorders. I don't know what I can do. I want to start a support group at school if I can.

I'm a total complete MORON

so I've been studying for Friday's final exam for the past few hours... I stopped to check the syllabus really quick to make sure I was reading all the right chapters. Then it jumped out at me:

May 11 FINAL EXAM, 10:30 A.M. - 12:30 P.M.

Yes... May 11 as in THURSDAY as in TODAY as in I fucking missed it because I didn't know it was going on.

I don't know how I can be so stupid. I don't know what I'm going to do.

MUCH MUCH better!

I'm doing much better, thank god. I don't know what changed. Everything just seemed to pass! Hooray!

thanks for the support and wishes... I am feeling better. I can't remember if I wrote about the BRAT diet. It's bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. The doctor put me on it because I'm having a lot of stomach problems. They think it is my gallbladder. All I know is, if I eat anything else besides those foods, I feel totally sick.

I'm sadly excited about this gallbladder thing. I really love having a "real" sickness I can talk about to people, isn't that pathetic? Plus I feel like I might have a chance of sticking with a healthy eating plan if it's doctor ordered.

untitled

I'm not doing any better. In fact I'm doing worse. I feel like I'm falling into deep depression. I don't even care about C3 anymore.

I just don't know how to fix myself...

so upset

I'm so upset because I got chewed out by my boss about last week when I threw a fit. I know that I am right and the whole thing makes me sick. I want to quit and move home but I don't have any money.

It's terrible to admit this, but the only thing that calms me down is to myself "remember that the only thing that matters to you is to be thin, so don't worry about this crap and move on with losing weight." It's like a morphine drip for my pain.

pigging out!

I've been such a pig the past few days... I go home in two days and then I will attempt to start over for the 10,000 time. I forgot my Seasonale :-(

This is random but have you ever had this weird disgusting feeling come over you after you touch your breasts? I started getting this feeling when I was first going through puberty... the feeling would come over me when I was drying off after my shower. It's like these waves of grossness that roll through my body and make me feel totally sick and disgusting... I used to try to sing or do something to distract myself to avoid "the feeling." Fortunately it stopped... only rarely do I get the feeling, but I got it just now and I think it's because I'm not wearing a bra. Ewww.

The nutritionist wants me to keep a journal. I will start Tuesday.

hanging in there

this has been a terrible week, massive stress. I feel like quitting my job and moving away. Fortunately I am going home for a few days and will be back. It is just the break I need to put everything in perspective.

The meeting with the nutritionist was great - she is awesome. I'll post more about it later. time for bed, 24 hours of this hell week to go.

xoxo

I need to cry but I can't

I'm so frustrated and stressed out at work because of these idiots I had to work with this week... The worst thing is that I bet these people make twice my salary and they can't get anything right. It's almost comical. My work is 1000 times better than theirs. I want to ask them if they have any openings at their company because I want to apply and kick all their sorry asses. We're under huge stress with this big event and everybody is stretched to the limit, and I have to deal with these dumbasses. The worst part is that I did original flawless work and they tried to "fix it" and totally fucked it up.

I wanted to throw a whiny fit at C3 just now. I was telling him the situation about these morons and how upset I was about it and how I couldn't believe it, and he didn't even say anything, he just stared at his computer and started talking about what he was working on at that very moment. He's such a man.

and I'm really, really fat. I just look and feel terrible. I saw a pic of myself from 10 days ago. I look like a very fat person. I swear there is a huge difference between 180 and 190. It looks like I've gained 30 lbs instead of 10.

I really need to cry and feel like crying, but I can't. You can't cry on Prozac. It dries up your tears before they can form.

Mandy sad.

A million little steps

tomorrow is my appt with the nutritionist... I hope meeting with her will help, even though I've met with plenty of nutrionists before.

I just got a suggestion to look at OA (Overeaters Anonymous)... I looked it up and there are a few meetings in my area. I guess I can try it though I don't know if I believe in the whole 12-step concept. However I think I can use all the help I can get... it seems like the more I want to change, the more I resist all my efforts to change. It's driving me insane.

I've been watching the X-Files on TNT for the past three hours. I should go to bed but there's another yet one on... I want to be Mrs. Mulder. Did you guys know Chris Carter wrote the B.R.A.T. Patrol back in the day? I guess I'm still preoccupied... with 1985.

I can't be accountable to myself

I was thinking about how I can't imagine myself actually losing weight on my own. I need to have a nutritionist or a psychologist or somebody who I can report to on a weekly or even monthly basis. I just can't be accountable to myself... I can do lots of work if I know other people are expecting it and need it, but I can't do shit for me. Why is that?

I feel like crap. You know how some women get phantom pregnancies? Well I think I'm having a phantom period. I have been super bitchy irritable the past few days, and I have had a lot of cramps. I keep thinking I'm bleeding but then I check and nada. What the hell? I will ask my roommates and see if they are having their period and making my uterus jealous.

It's one week away from the big event dressy up thing... actually two dressy up things. Remember how I had been planning on losing 25 lbs? Hah that didn't happen. Well I'm not going to beat myself up. It's just another weekend and it will be over before I know it. I need to start again and this time I need to believe I can do it. I hope the nutritionist will help.

I want to work out. I just am so overwhelmed by the whole concept. I need to know I can do it.

blogging again...

I haven't felt much like blogging lately - I've been so busy. I've also been kind of lost and stuck. So today I went to see the psychologist I saw before. She said I really seemed ready to move forward and she recommended I see the nutritionist. She thinks it will help if I work with someone to set up a really good, realistic nutrition plan, and to have someone to "report" to about how I have been eating.

I had a bit of PMS angry bitchiness and some cramps, but no sign of a period. I remember when I went on Seasonale before, the second month I had a 30-day period. Yes a whole month of a period! I hope that doesn't happen again but even so it's worth it.

Yay pharmaceuticals!

hope everyone is well...

ehhh

I only slept 3 hours last night. I am really rebelling against myself. I'm too tired to explain what I mean right now though...

I've decided I absolutely can't have any sugar anymore. Even the slightest bit sets me off. I really am like a crack whore. I'm a snack whore. I was really out of control the past two days... but I think I snapped out of it.

I love apples. I tried to be extra healthy and buy some nice organic apples from the health food store but it turns out they weren't nearly as yummy as the Walmart apples which you know are totally genetically modified and farmed out of a petri dish by underage underpaid workers.

I love not having my period. Seasonale is the greatest thing ever. I've noticed my skin has been crappy lately, and I think it's the pills. I'm also so damn horny! I should go out and buy a vibrator but it would feel like I was totally giving up on ever finding a man. Actually really I don't have a spare $100 or whatever vibrators cost. Maybe I should stage a celebrity benefit to raise money. VibeAID 2006.

zzzzzzzzzzzz

After one week, I'm allergic to cake

Yuck! This afternoon at work I had a piece of cake (ok it was more like three, but they were little mini squares, all three together are what *I* would have cut as one piece) and I feel so sick now. It is just too much sugar! It was carrot cake which I didn't used to like, but OMG it was so good. It has cream cheese frosting and it was just amazing. EXCEPT for now I feel totally sick, even two hours later. Gross!

I guess it's a good sign that my body is rejecting it. I did really well this past week! I've been eating small meals regularly! (I love you, frozen meals!) I don't have tons of energy but that's OK.

I really want to go eat like 10 more pieces of cake. It's just sitting there. It will go into the refrigerator and then after a week it'll be tossed out.

Also today I bought a formal dress for that upcoming event... it is a size 12. I have the exact same dress in a different color and fabric from a year ago, and it was a size 14! So I am happy. The 12 is a bit snug but it will be OK in 3 weeks time... if I don't eat the rest of the cake.

loo loo loo I've got some apples... loo loo loo you've got some too

Last night I ate a real dinner so I only did the apple fast for like a day and a half, but I felt like that was enough. I didn't have a big dinner just a Weight Watchers frozen dinner... I love the diet frozen dinners. They are so good, and quick and easy. Whenever I make spaghetti I end up eating all of it... like six servings at once.

I'm also drinking tons of water to feel full. I stopped drinking Diet Mountain Dew constantly. I only have some in the morning to give me a caffeine boost.

anyway the apple thing rules... I'm going to try to eat at least two a day for snacks. Oh by the way... there is CAKE at the office! Yes delicious birthday sheet cake! It's sitting in the fridge and there's more than half of it left... I didn't have any. I know I couldn't have just one piece. One bite and it would turn into a binge. It's all or nothing for me...

Making Apples Out of Nothing At All

I love the apple fast! Even though yesterday didn't really count, since I had a real breakfast. I did really well though, I had made this pumpkin bread and gave one away, and the other one I put in the freezer. When I took it out of the tin last night a part of it broke off and stayed in the tin... but I took the piece out and put it back with the loaf even though I wanted to eat it so badly... It was super yummy and full of chocolate chips too and I did eat a few crumbs but that's ok. I also ate put some reduced fat peanut butter on apple slices later.... OMG it was so good!

I'm listening to Air Supply. I don't think they get enough credit for how much they rule.

don't shoot me but... I'm fasting

I'm doing an apple fast where I eat only apples for three days. Years ago I actually signed up for a medical weight loss with a friend and the first thing the doctor had us do was do an apple fast. It's not so hard because apples have pectin which makes you feel full. Then when it's done you're hardly hungry at all and it's easier to eat small meals.

Well I feel terrible today. I stayed up studying for my exam the whole night. I think I did OK, much better than my last exam, but after the test I looked up three of the answers I wasn't sure about and I got them all wrong! dammit! and then I was so beat that I went back to bed and missed work... boss called and I ignored the call and went back to sleep. I feel great about myself... not.

To answer the question left by Disoriented... no, I don't think this terribleness of mine has to do with my crush. At least, not directly. This morning when I came home from school I was lying in bed and my head was spinning because I was so exhausted, and I thought about him and how much I DON'T like him. How is it that after all these years of friendship I do not feel close to him at all. When I was laying there I started getting angry and thinking how I want to confront him that I WISH he could be the man I needed. But he cannot and it's not my failure but his. I shouldn't be so mean to him because he is so so so so sweet and gentle, but I don't feel close to him. He is happy 24-7 but never lets his guard down and is never emotionally vulnerable like people are from time to time... but again it's not his fault. I have just built him up into this god and I am just tired of it all. And when I was laying there thinking this I was thinking how I'm goddamn starving for love and affection and this could be contributing to my overeating. I actually almost cried thinking this... and I never cry over myself. Sad movies, yes, but no tears for real life.

By the way I look terrible and feel terrible. I should have weighed myself this morning just to see. The good thing is that I don't have my period! Yay Seasonale!

I'm doing terrible

I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stop eating. I've been totally out of control with binging and purging... And I have to hide because I threw up so hard I broke a bunch of blood vessels around my eyes.

I feel like I'm going crazy. What is the reason for this? I think I need therapy. I really don't know why I'm doing this to myself when it's the last thing I want. I just can't stop...

Sharapova wins in straight sets

I don't know what's wrong with me... but I don't care! because does it matter why? I've been in such a funk, not wanting to work out and eating everything in sight. I've also been feeling sorry for myself a bit. Today C3 was showing me photos on his computer and in his photo directory, I saw a folder of pics of sexy tennis babe Maria Sharapova!!! No wonder! There is no way he could think I'm attractive if that is his ideal woman. Well I really felt bad for myself... for about 5 minutes.

I feel terrrrrrrible. So tired and bloated and just miserable. I wanted to order pizza tonight but I didn't... because enough! I have the power to stop this thing and be the person I want to be.

I will try to have a good weekend. I want to feel strong and energetic and good about myself.

but I learned something today...

well I had a bad weekend. I'm in a great mood and doing really well supposedly, yet I'm bingeing up a storm. I figured out why.... I'M BORED!!!!!!!!!! I need the excitement. I find myself looking forward to bingeing and getting all excited. I don't have any other exciting activities planned. I find myself actually looking forward to watching Law & Order and CSI reruns. How about if I plan on going to the gym instead? I need to find something else to entertain me. I need to try something that doesn't let me eat ice cream at the same time.

well at least I am trying to examine my behavior... I didn't want to post here but I made myself. I'm so exhausted. I mowed the lawn on Saturday for the first time this spring and I am so sore. It took me like 15 minutes of yanking to start the thing. Now my right arm is totally sore.

I need to find a hobby. I wish I had a dog.

bloggity blog blog

I feel great! By some miracle I was able to get out of bed this morning after only three hours of sleep. I was staying up late watching South Park episodes I'd already seen. Actually it is a miracle that I woke up because I turned off my alarm apparantly at 7:20, because I only remember waking up suddenly at 7:55. I was able to get to my 8:30 class by 8:45 (she takes roll at 8:50, yeehaw!) and we even had a quiz. Phew. By the way I can't have another unexcused absence in this class, because I already have two and you fail if you have three...

I tried to take a nap around lunchtime but I couldn't fall asleep...

ok so I have some questions to answer from my audience (aka guest book commentators)...

Question #1 comes from Emily! "What kinds of emotions came up for you when you watched the show? Did it encourage you to overcome your ED?"

This show didn't bring up that many emotions, because I didn't identify much with the girl. Actually I never usually identify with women I see on shows like these. I was able to separate myself from her because of our differences and thought the cliched "Oh I'm not like THAT." Like these women on both CSI (fiction) and Intervention (reality) both had anorexia. Meanwhile I'm not "good enough" or "strong enough" to be anorexic. (I put that in quotes because I know that's silly, but I still feel that way!) And they also used laxatives, which I don't. I suppose I would use laxatives, as gross as they are, if they actually worked but they don't so why bother.

Actually I saw a previous episode of Intervention that had a bulimic who was not anorexic. But she was married with kids already, so I couldn't identify with her because "I'm not like THAT." I supposed I would have to see someone exactly in my situation before I could identify.

I also suppose I don't have that many emotions about bulimia. It just is. I mean it's an issue obviously, but I never, ever, ever cry over it. I suppose I'm pretty disconnected from it... maybe I need to connect to it somehow to really recover.

Ok question #2 comes from Esperanza! It's about my Crushy Crush Crush, aka C3. "What you need to ask yourself is: is this guy good enough for me? Is he stable enough? Secure enough? Smart enough and stong enough to handel a woman like me?"

Yes, he totally has his act together. He is smarter than me and just the sweetest, cheeriest, most generous guy I know. He's basically perfect and very successful. Of course nobody is perfect I realize, and the only question is if he's perfect for me. I don't meet that many guys I like so he's definitely magnified in my world. For sure he loves, loves, loves me as a friend. I think he doesn't like me because I don't have my crap together, and I'm not pretty enough or feminine enough. I don't want to analyze him to death (what if he one day finds this site? ahhhh!) because I recognize that it's not healthy. He's a great person but regardless, the problem is I see him as unattainable until I Finally Lose Weight(TM). So in that way he is exactly the same as all the others. The perfect guy is part of the success package I believe I will get when I Finally Lose Weight.

I don't know how I can make losing weight NOT the most important thing in my life. I need to get rid of the desperation I feel surrounding it. Why can't I just approach nutrition and weight loss from a scientific and logical perspective, instead of an emotional one?

well I guess this is a pretty good blog entry... thanks for those questions.

I rode the bike for 30 min today super slowly... I don't have enough energy after three hours of sleep. Also I ate really well too, except for some peanut M&Ms... my eternal foe!

starting... slowly

Well I had a good day today and yesterday, kind of. I have no energy! I rode the bike for 20 min and that's it. But I feel committed to starting again.

I started taking the Seasonale on Sunday and I am so horny! I cannot get sex off my brain. I don't know why it's so bad. C3 is making me crazy. Whenever I talk to him I'm tempted to start rubbing him all over... His body is fantastic. Argh I need a boyfriend!

well I am going to go to bed early tonight and get up early in the morning. At least that is the plan!

thanks for the kick in the ass

I will start AGAIN tomorrow.

Today I picked up the Seasonale at the drug store and started it today too... It cost $145, can you believe it?! So damn expensive. But it should be worth it... I guess I'll know it is working when I don't have to clean my ear's anymore.

Tonight I watched that show "Intervention" on A&E. They had a girl who was bulimic and anorexic. She chewed and spit out her food. While that sounds like a "great" idea, I think I could not be satisfied that way.

And tonight I watched a CSI rerun and it featured this model who was anorexic and bulimic too. Wow what a theme for tonight.

By the way, the CSI and the Law & Order franchises are ruining my life. Law & Order has been my favorite show for years. That was OK because I hardly watch TV. Just Law & Order and the occasional HBO series like Sopranos or Sex & The City. But now Law & Order has expanded its reach with three spinoffs. I just got into CSI too. I have to catch up on all the years I've missed. It's on so many channels that I am sometimes forced to choose which show to watch based on the description. I think they need to have an all L&O and CSI cable network so I don't have to choose. I'm positively addicted to all these shows. Maybe I'll end up on Intervention...

I'll post later today how I do. I promise I will really try to make it a good day.

trying to find motivation again

I'm trying to find motivation to get better again. I don't know why, it seems like I forgot WHY I need to get better and why I can't keep doing this whole bulimia thing. Somebody remind me why I need to go to the gym and eat healthy.

I'm sorry, I'm tired, my brain is broken.

I need a kick in the ass to get started.

what a difference a day makes

I can't believe it... I woke up Thursday with so much energy and everything is great again. My period is gone and I'm a happy person. I need to get my ass back in the gym and work hard not because I was bad, but because I love working out and feeling like an athlete.

I would like to grow up now

I had a dream last night that I reunited with some friends from high school, including a guy that I had a huge crush on. I had such a crush on him that I was literally speechless whenever he was around, and I never once had a meaningful conversation with him. I have a dream every so often about him where we hang out now and he gets a chance to see I'm not a dork. It's not like I still wish I could be with him and I'm sure he's a total loser now anyway. I remember seeing his name in the paper a few years after high school for a DUI. But still it's always a really nice dream and I wake up feeling kind of wistful.

I think I need to act more like a grown up. For some reason I am afraid to be an adult, independent and standing on my own. I need bulimia for this reason. It lets me act like a child, immature and irresponsible. I think it's time to move forward.

Well my cramps are almost gone but I still feel very nauseous, especially because of how I've been sleeping (bad hours) and eating (everything in sight). I will try to do something meaningful today exercise-wise...

by the way C3 said he didn't know I was really sick. So I forgive him for not checking up on me I suppose...

picking up and trying again

someone posted that fucking up is part of the recovery process. Part of it. I have to believe that. I was so doing so great and I can do great again. I will try again... and not give up next time.

My stomach hurts so much right now. I don't want to hurt anymore. I have less than six months until I'm 30. I hate how fast time is going.

thanks for reading my blog.

I hate everything and everybody

well not really but it feels like that. I finally got my period and it hurts so bad. I won't be missing it once I start El Seasonale. And I got really sick on Sunday with some kind of stomach flu. I had to go to the urgent care and they gave me a shot that killed like a motherfucker. Usually shots don't hurt but this was a bitch! It is a terrible flu and the strange thing was that it made me throw up. It was strange because I haven't thrown up for real (ie, not self-induced) in like 10 years maybe. Oh my god, it was terrible! It hurt so bad and it was so scary and so disgusting! It was nothing like bulimic throwing up which is so much more controlled and "normal." Or maybe I'm just used to it. Anyway I wonder if non-bulimics think bulimics are crazy because they think we go through this terrible experience on purpose. Self-induced vomiting is not that attractive of course but it is NOTHING like this regular puking that you can't control.

Well I am very sad. It has been three days since I got the flu and C3 has not called or stopped by to see how I am doing. I am glad in a way because it shows me he is not my dream man like I thought. These eye openers happen for a reason.

but I'm sad anyway. I wish I had real love.

depressed

I'm depressed. I hope it goes away soon. I still have cramps but no period yet... I feel a bit better today though than I did yesterday and Thursday.

I am so happy I have a week off from school. Even though I'm only in one class, I really hate it. I had a paper due Friday at noon and guess what time I started it? 10:30. As in 10:30 AM and not PM the night before. Not only that, but I had to actually physically bring the paper to school. I am sure I got a bad grade but I don't even want to think about it right now. I will have to come back and kick ass the rest of the semester if I want to pass this class.

Anyway sorry I'm not spreading cheer... Hopefully this will be a good week. I plan to do some gardening which will be some good exercise.

love from me

salam alekum!

There is someone reading my blog from Saudia Arabia! I wonder if the person is Saudi or American or what? Please write and let me know. How eating disorders happen in different cultures fascinates me.

I love looking up who is reading this blog and the searches they used to find me. Some random recent searches include:

• "bulimia and frappuccino"
  
• "i am a bulimic who is too lazy to throw up"
  
• "drunk on nyquil"
  
• "My boobs are so big that"
  

I just loooove that that last one brings you to this sexy page! Woohoo!

I'm sorry I didn't post much this week but I've had computer probs. They're solved now... and I'm sorry to report I've been bingeing and purging up a storm. I just can't stop eating. I swear it is the PMS, I don't want to be full of excuses but this just has to be a serotonin thing.

To answer the question left in my comments, Seasonale is a birth control pill that lets you have only four periods a year (or none if you choose). There does not seem to be any medical benefit to having a period other than letting you know you're not pregnant. Some doctors believe that women are having too many periods throughout their lifetime now and it's not good for their bodies. I truly believe that too, because in earlier days women would be getting pregnant earlier and be pregnant or nursing constantly, and thus, only average one or two periods a year. Now women have 13 periods a year for decades and decades.

Anyway I took Seasonale a few years ago because my period pain was so severe they thought I had endometriosis. I really liked it and it really did work for me, but I stopped taking it because it was so expensive ($120 for three months' supply). I just thought I could fight through it if I was more careful but I can't take it anymore. Look at what a different person I am than I was 10 days ago.

By the way, do you know what it is odd, when I took Seasonale I never had any earwax. It literally stopped appearing. I couldn't find anything about it when I googled this, except for one thing that said a certain type of ear wax was related to a certain type of breast cancer. So maybe it is a hormonal/estrogen thing?

Someone also left me a comment asking if I ever thought about writing a book. Yes!!! I've made a few mentions of a book earlier. But you know, I first have to figure out how to fix myself. Who would buy a book that offers no solution or personal success story? Would you buy a book where every chapter was titled "I suck"?

never been so happy about cramps

but the quicker my fucking period comes the quicker it will go and I can go on the Seasonale. I saw the Seasonale commercial like four times today and it pisses me off. Not for any reason except that it pisses me off. I do think it's kind of creepy, all the white and then the random bright pink (Hey I just wrote "brink," a combo of bright and pink. I invented a new word. I rule!) to represent that your world would be much less covered in fuschia blood if you take these pills.

By the way I have pure hatred for every woman in feminine-product ads and commercials. I resent that their world is apparantly one big trampoline. I also hate that there is always a happy bouncy white woman, a happy bouncy black woman and a happy bouncy Asian and/or Latina woman. I guess the ad people want to drive the point home that the product works for all vaginas.... except for Eskimo vaginas. You never see them. They would be perfect for the ads, with all the white everywhere, don't you think?

So I've been eating so much. I am soooo, soooo, soooo hungry. It's like it's impossible to be full. I kept busy today, I didn't go to the gym but I did lots of cleaning so that makes me feel much better. Having a mess around really contributes to depression.

I looked for a nice appropriate Seasonale logo to go with this blog. I was not satisfied with any of the pictures and logos that came up when I image-googled "seasonale." However, this picture did come up. This is supposedly Dre. Sylvie Dodin, who is, according to the page, a female French gynecologist. However, I'm a little suspicious. I think I've stumbled across the Tootsie of gynecologists. When Dr. Dodin (sans e) discovered he was losing potential patients to female doctors, he put on a wig and some foundation and voila! Madame Dre. Dodin. I am extra satisfied with this explanation because I don't understand why any sane woman would choose to be a gynecologist.

I'm so happy I cleaned. It's so nice to go to bed when everything is nice and clean and the sheets are freshly washed...

well today sucked

Terrible day. I slept in until 3 pm! I'm a loser! Which means I have to stay up all night because I have a big article due tomorrow. And then I went to the Chinese buffet and binged and purged... I still feel so lethargic. I can't start the Seasonale until Sunday after my period starts... which will be pretty soon judging by the way I'm feeling. I'm tired of this crap. I was doing so well... I want to go back and exercise like last week but I have no energy. I feel like I fell down a hole.

someone shoot me...

blah

Definitely falling into PMS mode... I was so busy at work today I didn't get my prescription. I feel so lethargic and crappy. I managed to do like 25 min easy on the bike and then 15 min easy walking.

blah blah blah blah blah
look how I get... I need to get the Seasonale ASAP!!!!!!! It helped me so much before.

Fat Tuesday

Today didn't get off to a good start. I was so dead this morning that I couldn't get up, and slept until 11. Not good but I'm happy to say I think it's been awhile since I slept that late on a weekday. I also ate a bunch of junk, a few sugary cookies and pieces of a giant chocolate chip cookie thing. By the way, it made me feel sooooo sick when I ate it. Maybe it was just too sugary. I still had another piece later. Yuck!

Anyway I was really in a pissy mood tonight. I was annoyed about something at work, but I think I'm turning the corner into the second half of the month, aka, beeeotch PMS time. Tomorrow is payday so I will go refill my prescription to Seasonale so no more periods. I can't have this disruption.

Tonight after work I managed to go to the gym, though I only got 20 min in because it was closing. I had so much energy, it felt really good.

Anyway I'm really sore from those lunges, and my triceps are also really sore. And also I think I hurt my wrist doing push ups yesterday. I get this sharp pain down the side of my forearm when I try to bend it. I want to take a class tomorrow but I won't put any weight on my wrist.

This morning I was tempted to weigh myself, "just to see." But I really don't want to because I know it doesn't matter. I think in the past I have weighed myself as punishment, like, "If you see how fat you are, it will inspire you to eat better and work out." But that's never actually worked... it's just been a number that is stuck in my head.

I'm happy

So I went to class even though I didn't want to, can you believe it? :-) It wasn't as hard as the last step class, but I'm still pretty beat right now... We had to do a lot of lunges, in fact we had to walk around the room in a circle, with every step a lunge. Ouch I am going to feel that tomorrow. The hardest part of the step classes for me is when I have to completely hop up and over or hop across the length of the step.

I am really enjoying working out with my good attitude, and not weighing myself at all. I am not even tempted. I like feeling like an athlete. I think I am going to try the eliptical tomorrow and test my endurance.

I had oatmeal for dinner tonight. I need to get back on track and get some healthy salad for dinner.

I don't want to go to step class tonight but I will make myself go anyway

so no time to type now. :-)

short entry...

I am so stiff and tired today. I could barely move. I didn't exercise but I ate well. I am exhausted... time for bed. zzzzzzzzzzz

search?hl=en&q=bulimia+is+good

so I occasionally check out my sitemeter to look at the referring pages, to see how people are finding my blog. Tonight I discovered someone googled "bulimia is good." I googled it and one of my entries called "The Bulimia Blog: Good day I think" came up near the top. Isn't that odd that someone would be looking for "bulimia is good"? What was this person looking for, perhaps some new research that reveals bulimia grows new brain cells, makes hair shiny and cures bird flu? Were they disappointed to discover my good day was thus because I avoided bulimic behavior? Hmph. Well if you haven't figured it out by now, bulimia is bad. Maybe I will change the name of this blog to Bulimia Sucks Ass to avoid confusion.

Today I drove two hours to see a friend of mine and hung out with her all day... I didn't exercise of course and I ate a lot of junk food. But, it's just one day and tomorrow I will exercise again. I'm really sore by the way. I can hardly lift my arms. Score!

I'm very tired now. Fortunately the drive home went fast. I thought a lot about C3 and how much he sucks. I think I deserve someone who is dying to kiss me, don't you?

I added two more recovery blogs: Emily and Esperanza. They have been leaving me some sweet notes of encouragement. Please visit their sites and send some love their way.

TGIF

Today was a good day. I worked out and ate well. I also took the stairs twice today... first five flights with my heavy backpack and then three flights later. I can't believe how hard stairs are to climb. I think that is the ultimate litmus test to check what kind of shape you're in.

I did a ball class at the gym this afternoon. It was strength and conditioning with a big rubber ball and medicine ball and some weights too. It was not too much cardio so it wasn't too hard for me, even though I am such a klutz. I thought I looked just slightly thinner than yesterday in the big mirror, but it could be just what I was wearing.

By the way I am tempted to weigh myself but I don't think I will for awhile. For some reason I don't really care what I weigh because I can see how I look in the mirror.

Anyway then I did 25 min on the bike... Not too intense at all because I am SOOOOO sore. It hurts to walk, but yet that feels great.

I did kind of feel like crap tonight because I had this freakout that my crushy crush crush (C3 for short) was possibly on a date tonight. I don't have any real knowledge that he was, but still the idea of it really hurts. I can't believe I am so insecure to let that upset me. It's so stupid because it is just a crush but I think I really count on the happy feeling it gives me to fill up that part of my life. One very small note though is that in the midst of this panic about what he was up to, my thoughts were of course 1) "lose weight lose weight lose weight" but then I thought "hey dumbass why don't you just tell him how you feel so you can forget him if he doesn't like you." I have never considered such a thing before because, even though he is a good friend and I know I would not lose his friendship by telling him that, the idea of rejection is just SO terrifying. I think everybody has had traumatic events in their life and looking back, the times involving rejection and loneliness were the most traumatic for me. So that is very unusual for me to have that pop in my head and I think it is a sign of... gasp... maturity.

Tomorrow I will see a great friend I have not seen in a few months. It is sad that I am thinking about how I am fatter than I was the last time she saw me. But so what... I am thinking about the future now. It sounds strange to say I'm still growing up at my age, but I guess we never stop growing up.

stepping up

I went to step class again tonight and I nearly dropped dead. This was a different class with a different instructor. The one on Tuesday had more work with other equipment (medicine ball, weights, weight bar, etc) whereas this one was just nonstop cardio. I also put the step bench on one row of steps to make it a bit harder, and it was so intense. The class was so fast and I was lost half the time. If it was too complicated I would just stop and do the basic step up and down.

This time I wore my glasses and I could see myself in the mirror. I was blind and now I see: I look terrible. I felt like a whale in that class, though of course I don't care what the other people think about me. It is so odd because I know I've gained weight since the fall, but I always look the same to myself regardless. Only in pictures can I see how I look realistically, and I don't take pictures that often. But in the big mirror I could see myself I think because I had so many other people to compare myself to. It felt like a punch in the face because I looked so bad, but I don't want to feel bad so I can just move forward.

Anyway the class was so hard and frustrating but it's ok because it was my first one. 30 min in I almost quit but I stuck with it. Fortunately it was only 45 min of step and then we did stretching and abs... I was still kind of pumped up so I rode the bike for 35 min at a moderate pace.

I was sooo hungry and during the class my mind was wandering to Chinese food buffet, can you believe it? I went straight to Subway and got something decent yet quick for dinner.

I hope for another good day tomorrow. I love the feeling of working out. It was really what I was missing.

PS I added another blog to my list of links: Mata Hari Mom. She has had her ED for 20 years! Please support her recovery effort too.

sore = good!

today I'm really sore, but it feels great! I did 40 min on the stationary bike, alternating 5 min easy/5 min hard.

This morning after school ended at 9:30 I really wanted to go home and go back to sleep, but I didn't. I survived. I did drink a ton of Diet Mountain Dew today though...

I'm so tired...... zzzzzzzz. I will sleep well tonight.

I will try to do a good workout tomorrow. Maybe I can fit a class at the gym in too.

I ate OK pretty well today too. I pigged out on crackers mid morning so I skipped lunch and had soup around 5 pm. Then I had steamed vegetables for dinner...

did I mention I'm tired? good night...

I did it!

I exercised!!! And real exercise too - I did a one-hour step class at the gym. Wow it felt great. The instructor kept us moving the whole time. It's been years since I did step. I didn't do some of the more advanced moves that required hopping because I'm so uncoordinated.

Still I love how I feel now... just awesome. I hope I can do a one-hour class a few times a week. There is a ball class at 6 am tomorrow but I don't know if I'll be dead in the morning. I'm already sore in my left leg because yesterday I slipped on the ice outside like a dork.

I want to say thank you to the kind soul who left a message in my blog yesterday. I was having a terrible day and my eating was out of control. I was planning on bingeing for dinner because my day was already "ruined" by a big lunch. Then I read the message that said "You've got the right attitude, and that's the hardest part. You're going to succeed." It was like a slap to the face. It really made me feel good. Well, I felt terrible at first because my attitude at that time was the wrong one. But then I suddenly felt good because I realized I do have the power to succeed if I want to. So I went out and signed up for the gym again.

well I will post again soon. thanks for being there anonymous and non-anonymous blog visitors.

under pressure

I'm sorry I haven't felt like writing in the past few days. I haven't been doing well at all with eating. I keep eating things I don't want to eat, and not exercising when I truly feel like doing it. I did a bit of thinking today about why I am so stuck (besides the obvious that trying to recover from this shit is hard as hell anyway).

I realized some of the problem in moving forward is that I've put myself under a lot of pressure to lose weight for these fancy events in April (brother's wedding, etc). So each day is not just a new day, it's one day closer to the big event where I must look good. I have to find two different flattering dresses. I wanted to lose like 25 lbs. and I still feel like I can if I work out like, 2 hours a day and eat 1,000 calories a day. But each day that I don't do that is a big colossal failure and then the guilt sets in and panic begins to rise... This is not a healthy approach to start in on recovery.

Well I can't get rid of this pressure entirely because the events are happening no matter what, and the dress shopping will eventually have to commence as well. So the only thing I can do is try to deal with it in a healthy way and not in an ED way. I accept that it's not realistic for me to try to lose 25 lbs in 8 weeks, as much as it breaks my heart to give up this dream which finds fulfillment around the corner. It is realistic for me to try to do some sort of exercise five days a week, but isn't that realistic for the rest of my life?

I don't know, I just wrote that I accept it's not realistic, but that's not really true. When I wrote exercise five days a week my mind started in on its calculations of how much weight I can lose... I just want to be thin! ok ok deep breath, calm down... I need to start working out but NOT for this or any event. No April deadline looming. Just so I can move towards feeling good about myself.

ok I feel better already.

Happy Excessive Calorie Intake Day

I can't stop eating. Today I ate sugar cookies, chocolates, and cupcakes with red frosting that stained my teeth a lovely fluorescent pink. Oh and I had a hamburger and fries for lunch.

I don't know why I'm rebelling against myself. I feel like crap. I think my teeth are going to jump out of my skull while I sleep tonight out of shock from the ridiculous amount of sugar I've consumed today. And for what?

However my crushy crush crush did give me chocolates and an e-card. I gave him candy too and he looked so happy when he saw it and he hugged me. I need a boyfriend but I know I can't find one until I lose weight. Am I being fatalistic or is that a big fat slice of reality pie?

By the way, today I had a burning desire to go to the gym and I DID NOT GO. Instead I ate more. What is wrong with me exactly... is it something besides an eating disorder? Do I have chronic laziness syndrome? Acute compulsive slothiness?

someone please tell me how to fix myself...

forward, and collectively defeat this bourgeois disorder!

trying yet again after a terrible weekend. I binged and purged like five times. Oh I want to write how I couldn't help it... but that's not so. It's just so easy to do, and change is so hard. I keep forgetting all the great things I've realized since I've started this journal because they haven't stuck yet. I need to remind myself of them every day. Maybe I will reread this whole thing every single morning as a refresher course.

On a good note, even though my sleeping has sucked, I have been waking up bright and early to go to class MWF. This is simply unheard of. I'm telling you, I would go once a week if they did not take attendance. I got a good grade on my paper too. I threw in some leftist opinions because I've suspected my professor of being a communist for some time - I got a 96! Today he actually said all workers are oppressed under capitalism.

well that is it for today, I will post more tomorrow.

terrible day, yet again

today was a terrible day. I couldn't stop eating. I got a refill on my Prozac so that should help. I keep forgetting that I really have to take it or else I start craving food like crazy...

I need to exercise. I am so fat. I want to walk across the country.

I feel terrible

today was a good day somewhat, I controlled myself around lots of tempting food but only because I saw myself in the mirror and I look terrible. Just terrible! I know I shouldn't say it but I need to lose weight so much. I'm so tired of looking this way but I don't seem to have the strength to get out there and exercise...

I think I'm sliding into my PMS downward spiral... I want chocolate.

good day I think

I ate well today, but I'm still struggling with my sleeping. Forcing myself to get up for that 8:30 class has been teaching me some good discipline.

Still no exercise. I don't know why I can't start.

more later...

zzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry but I'm not in the mood to write much. I had a long day today and yesterday... Today I ate tons of M&Ms but otherwise not too bad. Yesterday I ate a bunch of cinnamon sticks from a pizza place... I don't know what you call them but I swear they were the best thing I ever ate. I freaked out and threw some up because I was so afraid of how many calories were in it.

I want my pecon dust covered ice cream sundae...

nothing else to report.

I want to exercise but I can't get motivated. I don't know why.

doing OK

what is this, day 6? Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was quite lazy. Last night I had same the desire to binge on the ice cream smothered in pecan dust, but it was much weaker. I can't figure out where the binge idea comes from: my stomach or my mind. I think it comes from my mind.

I got a comment saying it seems like I am doing really well, and I think that is true. This is hoky but I think I am doing better because I'm starting to feel the love I have around me from my friends. I'm really great at loving other people but not so great at grasping that people love me in return. I have some people who know my problems and they like me for me. And I finally, finally, finally understand that my crush loves me, even if he just loves me as a friend. He really does love me that way for sure and it's real love that is not in my head.

By the way I almost had crack balls this morning but I didn't.

Day 4: a good day

Today was a GOOD day! I really was pumped after posting last night. I made myself stay up and I did not go to sleep all day. I got a lot of things done and spent time at an event I really enjoyed. I felt very happy. Unfortunately, I did have Chinese food for lunch but it was not really a binge... I had it at the food court, so it was not even the good kind of Chinese food. However I ate too much and I wanted to purge, especially because there was a Cold Stone Creamery right there too and it looked really good... but I did not. I lived with the discomfort in my stomach.

I am still so full, I did not have any dinner, just a yogurt at 10 pm. If you haven't tried Yoplait Whips! Key Lime Pie, drop what you are doing and go get some. It's so damn good and I'm outraged that there is no decent image out there on the web for me to spruce up this entry. Why has nobody created a web site devoted to Yoplait Whips! Key Lime Pie, with a full photo gallery I could browse for that perfect pic to post here? Oh cruel world...

By the way when I was at the mall I tried on some formal dresses. I have two events in April I need two dresses for. There was hardly any selection at all, but I did fit into one size 16. I could almost fit into a 12 in another style but my boobs are so big that it wouldn't zip all the way up... damn you boobzillas!

well more later. I really did have a good day and I'm going to sleep before 12 tonight.

well well well... day 3

Today was not such a good day. I slept until 7 pm. So much for going to class and having a productive day.

However... the day was not a total waste. I wanted to binge very badly tonight and am feeling very angry with myself that I did not, can you believe it? It's not exactly anger... I guess I feel like bingeing would be such a great idea and such an enjoyable thing to do and why am I cruelly denying myself the pleasure of not doing it? I know that sounds silly, but I can't explain it. You see, someone gave me a big bag of pecan dust that I discovered is UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLY amazing on ice cream. I really wanted to go to the store tonight and get some chocolately ice cream and melt it a little bit and cover it with the pecans, some hot fudge and whipped cream. Sorry I'm writing about the delicious details but don't you see my dilemma, what I'm facing here? The temptation is killing me. I want it! Yummy yummy! But... I did not go and get it. The reason I did not is that I know this has to stop. I want to go to get some and eat it all... but I can't. I feel like willpower is a muscle and I just exercised mine.

I was also angry tonight because of my psycho roommate, who truly is a psycho idiot. I took that anger and I said to myself, "you know what, he is a loser for life. You, on the other hand, are only acting like a loser. You need to show him and everybody that you are not, and what you are really made of."

I hope I can get up early tomorrow. I want to move forward and get things done this weekend. I am no longer sick so I don't have any excuses.

This was a very hard post to make by the way. I have missed two classes so far and we are only allowed three absences. If I oversleep once now, I will fail the course. I don't have any choice but to change my ways.

it is 4 am and I can't sleep

I cannot sleep for three reasons:

1. I woke up late
2. I drank a Diet Coke at 9 pm
3. I think I am addicted to Exedrin PM after two days

I am so annoyed at myself. I wanted to go to step class at 6 am before my class. That is not happening. Well I can't correct it, I can only choose to NOT sleep in and NOT go back to sleep after class. I really want to fix this fucked up schedule of mine! I want to be a normal person and not nocturnal!

OMG I just yawned... hooray! I have to get up in 3 hours :-(

day two: very hard

Today was very hard. I didn't wake up until 11 am but I did not sleep well. My psycho Russian roommates were arguing until 2 am, at which point one of them shattered a glass table top! At least they shut up then (after making even more noise by vacuuming it up).

Anyway I ate a piece of chocolate cake today AND I had crack balls! That is not so good, but the good thing is I did not binge and purge like I totally wanted to for dinner. I was grocery shopping and hungry for dinner and I suddenly wanted Chinese sooo badly. I decided I was going to go to the Chinese buffet after but instead I pulled over and went to Subway. I bought good food at the store but I needed something right then. I guess I should look at it as a good thing. Also I did ride the bike for 25 minutes...

I am going to sleep now. It is past my bedtime. I will post more tomorrow. Goodnight.

day one part deux

I EXERCISED!

I walked to work and back today and rode the stationary bike (slowly) for 30 min. Hooray! It's a start.

Tonight when I came home I was soooo hungry. I almost went and binged tonight but I didn't. I wanted Chinese food soooo badly... but I went to Subway instead. I really was this close, and the only thing that stopped me was that I knew I would have to come on here and write that I messed up DAY ONE!

Michelle Hope mentioned me in her blog and I had a whole bunch of new visitors today from her site. My popularity is on the rise!

today is day 1

So today is the first day of my attempt at a 21-day streak of keeping to a good schedule. (They say 21 days is how long it takes to create a habit.) On Sunday night I didn't sleep at all, and even though I was totally exhausted, I did not fall asleep Monday night until 4 am! And I had to get up at 9! So last night I fell asleep at 6 pm and slept until midnight, and then slept again from 1 am to 8 am.

I feel really good. I hope to make it 21 days. This afternoon I will walk to work and back (1 mile each way) and then tomorrow I really hope to make it to the gym! I need to start working out so I can FEEL GOOD.

I need to try to speed up my metabolism, and getting on a consistent sleep schedule will help a lot.

So will I make it to Feb. 21? stay tuned!

I have to get back to writing my memoirs. I haven't written any after that first day. I'm going to call it "A Million Reeses' Pieces."

real committment to change

I was just reading a great blog by Michelle Hope and the entry from nearly one year ago is the announcement of her intentions to quit:

After 14 years of pretty intense bulimia, I'm giving it up. I don't say that lightly. I'm extremely addicted and feel I really need and depend on it to help me cope and keep me going through this life. But, recently I've realized I really need to stop...I've officially committed to the journey of recovery. And, it's scary as hell.

I think I am not officially committed and that is why I can't stop. It's like something I just say I will do, "yeah yeah I'll stop... tomorrow" yet it's not really real to me, you know?

Today was another waste, I went to sleep after my last entry and slept for 12 hours, and then followed that by stuffing myself and b/p twice. You know what, I will not write b/p anymore. I binged and purged twice. Ouch, that hurts to write. It's so shameful to write those words.

I need to go to a therapist. I need professional help.

Anyway I like this blog. I am reading her thoughts from exactly one year ago and I'm thinking, where do I want to be in one year? Do I want to be in the same place I am now? The same place I was one, two, three, four years ago? No. I want to be a different person. I want to be a recovered person, able to articulate how I rebuilt myself. To do that I need committment. I would like to make a statement like the one above, but I don't think it would be genuine. I really need to think and examine and open up my mind to all the thoughts that scare me...

goddamn it

I think I went almost a week without b/p. Tonight (well last night, look at the goddamn clock) I made myself b/p on a whole large pizza. I don't know why. I only have like $50 to my name and yet I blew half of it on pizza and soda??? (Why do I say "I made myself" as though I am somehow innocent amidst my complete and obvious guilt?).

I don't know why I can't stop. I don't know why... I want to exercise so much, but I don't. I don't understand.

I am going to be 30 in September. I told a friend that I am going to kill myself if I am not thin by then. I don't know if I was serious. I guess I feel that if I put enough pressure on me, that I absolutely HAVE to lose weight or else I will die, then I will. I need something to force me to stop because I am helpless to stop on my own. I think probably I will die from this somehow. What is the point of being alive when I'm so depressed all the time, I'm wasting all my intelligence and talent and potential because I am weak and unable to control myself around food. I wish I was at least an alcoholic or a drug addict, I think it would be less embarrassing and easier to admit. At least drugs can make you "heroin chic." There's no trendy "bulimia bloat" now is there?

I don't have any faith in counseling. The counselor I saw at my school clinic was very nice but she was fatter than me... so I could not be fully honest about how much I despise myself for being fat and how worthless it makes me to society because I did not want to hurt her feelings.

Well this is a depressing post. How is all this negative thinking helping me? It's not. I want to go on crying but I won't. I'm going to start over yet AGAIN. It's 6 am and I will make myself start my day and go through one whole day without fucking up. I WILL TRY AGAIN!

(By the way, this blog will have swearing. I need to express my pain and words like "goddamn mother fucking shit son of a bitch" are sometimes the right words to do just that.)

GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING BULIMIA I HATE YOU!

another bad day

I need to look like the girl in this ad...

I started off at least by going for a walk shortly after my last post! Then I went to class at 8:30 and came home and had some eggs for breakfast at 9:30. Then I made the terrible decision to lay down for ONE hour. I set my alarm for 11 a.m. Next thing I know it was 6 p.m. Oops.

Well it sucks but...

I will try again tomorrow.

I can't do anything else but try again.

I'm going to take some Exedrin PM to help me sleep. Maybe I can get up at a decent hour.

I need to work out, I need to lose weight. I feel like these are the only things that matter. Why can't I exercise? I really don't mind it. In fact I love the way it makes me feel. So why don't I do it? I guess I am just a lazy, lazy person and until I change this I am doomed to be fat.

what the hell is wrong with me

I am completely ruining my life and this bullshit recovery that is supposedly around the corner. I am all ready to change and so inspired to get better and start working out and sleeping and eating normally and everything regular people do. And yet here I am at 5 am, having slept yesterday until 6 pm because I was up until 3 am for two days in a row. WHY am I so lost... I'm ready to change and not be this way, but it's like I'm fighting myself. It seems like I'm subconsciously digging in my heels and resisting the very thing I truly want and need to do.

I just don't know why I am this way. Part of the reason I wanted to start this blog because I thought I would be all inspiring to the world by documenting my recovery. Well I'm sucking and the worst part is I don't get it.

what is it going to take to change?

I'm sad.

well I am staying up all night and I will try to go through the day and be tired by the time I should go to bed tonight.

had to say it was a good day

I slept about 6 hours last night... tonight I will sleep soundly. However I had a very happy day. I don't know why it was so happy... it just was.

I am still sniffling but it's almost gone. I hope I can exercise tomorrow. I NEED TO EXERCISE!

On the SF board a girl posted about wishing she had someone to take care of her and dote on her... I feel the same way. I wish I had someone to take care of me and guide me through the day. I wish I had someone to put me to bed at night and gently wake me up eight hours later. I wish I had someone who wasn't too busy to remember to serve me a good breakfast, and have a healthy snack or meal ready for me every two and a half hours. If I had this person or WAS this person, I wouldn't forget to eat and then suddenly realize I'm ravenous and go running to the nearest Chinese food buffet. Why do I want someone to do these things? Where is Mrs. Garrett, Mr. Belvedere or Charles to be in charge of me? I feel like such an irresponsibile loser that I struggle to do these tedious tasks like... properly feed myself.

An item from today's Regurgitated Headlines has to do with a new movie being shown at Sundance called "Thin" about four eating disorder patients in Florida. I'm sure it will be very uplifting and inspiring... NOT! It's not based on someone's Very Special script but is a documentary, so it's guaranteed to be a horrifying dreary piece of very real life. I think all the patients are anorexics who happen to throw up, but we'll have to wait till it's on HBO this spring to see if there are any bodacious bulimics.

You know maybe one day I will write a feel-good comedy about bulimia. EDs are tragic but at the same time they are 1% ludicrously hilarious, don't you think? I bet Lindsay "I never said what I said to that journalist who has it all on tape" Lohan would beat down the casting agent's door to be in that movie.

I weighed 193 again today, after weighing 191.5 yesterday. Then my scale said something it never did before: LO. I think I need a new battery unless it's to be continued and it spells SER tomorrow...

By the way, I have had 43 visitors. I think only about 1/3 are me!

dammit

Today was a terrible day... I didn't go to sleep until 4 am last night and decided to ditch the gym, ditch class and sleep until 2 pm. So of course I'm stuck awake right now. Why can't I just do what I set out to do?

They say it takes 21 days to either start or stop a habit. So, for the next 21 days, I'm challenging myself to go to bed at a good hour and get up early and live a full day. I really want to do that.

Today I ate pretty well, except for some crack balls at work and caramel popcorn after dinner.

I feel terrible.

a good day

I relaxed this weekend, but I cleaned today! I finally started on my messy room and made some good progress. Tomorrow I really feel I will be able to get up early and go to the gym before class. I am so happy I am only taking one class this semester... I think it will help me be less stressed and feeling a lot less anxiety.

I didn't work on my memoirs this weekend... I tried reading "Wasted" again by Marya Hornbacher, but I can't get into it. I never got very far last time. She is a good writer but I just can't relate to it, oddly enough.

By the way, I weighed again on my broken scale and it said 193, which is about right I think! I would be so happy if I can just get below 180, because I haven't been under there in a long time.

Time to watch Celebrity Fit Club!

yesterday's blog

This was from last night, but blogger was down and I couldn't post.

I started writing my memoirs. Doesn't that sound hilarious? Hee, hee. It certainly sounds odd but I think it will be extremely therapeutic. I jotted down a bunch of notes and then I went totally blank for like 10 minutes. Then I just started writing again and I realized, wow, even though I'm a good writer, it's still hard. Shock. I really need to just write more and more and continually challenge myself to be a better writer. I'm going to start by not only writing more, but reading more as well. I need to read some new authors desperately. I have tons of books so I usually read my favorites over and over. It's time to start with some new authors and new styles. Please give me some suggestions of your favorites.

I'm still sick but it's been downgraded to just a cold. I still don't have much of an appetite. So why oh why did I binge and purge TWICE today? First was on Chinese food for lunch and then later on about 5,000 crack balls. I didn't even want to! I can't believe how programmed it really is into my behavior. What a waste.

Well I will start my exercise program soon. Hooray!

PS I love him again... because I talked to him a few times today. He makes me happy.

crappity crap crap crap

I feel so dizzy. I slept almost all day yesterday thanks to Nyquil. Now I feel positively drunk and dizzy and blah... I have nothing worthwhile to say. I'm still hacking and sniffing but I feel better, despite the dizziness.

I did manage to get up yesterday to go to class in the freezing, freezing, freezing cold. Like the semester, the battle for my soul has begun. So far the Methodists are winning - they were smartly giving away free hot chocolate and apple cider, compared to the inedibile pamphlets offered by Christians on Campus (whatever demomination they are). I'm waiting for the religious sect that gives away Diet Mountain Dew... the Dew Disciples I will call them.

I postponed my appt today with the counselor because I'm sick. I like having lost my voice because people are sympathetic. Whenever I say I'm sick, I have a sneaking suspicion that people suspect me of faking. But since I sound like crap, everyone I talk to says "hope you feel better soon."

Today I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup from Subway with one million crackers and a whole bunch of crack balls at work (see picture).

I'm going to post more about the asshole I'm in love with. He's an asshole purely because he doesn't love me. That is his only crime. He is the sweetest, kindest, smartest and most gentle person I have ever met, and therefore I am sure he will never love me. I don't deserve him to love me, and I obsess over this fact almost as much as I obsess over him in general. But lately my love has been fading because of his lack of attention. I think that's actually quite healthy.

I forgot to mention I met a fantastic man the other day at the vet. Well I didn't really meet him as much as I saw him and petted his puppy a whole bunch. This guy had a very different look than most guys around here, ie, he looked intelligent and like he might be interested in something besides football. I don't think he looked me in the eye once however. I hate being invisible.

Speaking of, I need to start working out. I think tomorrow morning is too soon, unless I wake up completely cured.

I stumbled across another bulimia blog tonight. Actually, it's the blog of a bestselling author, and she is publically admitting to struggling with bulimia:

Post baby, I wrote a novel featuring a bulimic alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic, but I am a bulimic. Even so, I did not admit it to the many readers who asked. I could not bring myself to believe it. Fat women didn't have eating disorders, did they? I was more willing to admit I'd slept with a woman in college and based the lesbian character's love scenes on that than I was able to confess to having an eating disorder.

Read the whole thing at: Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez: La Queen Sucia

drunk on nyquil

I'm about to zonk out again from my latest dose of nyquil.... I just thought I would post to say for a good time, do a google image search for drunk.

I'm totally typing under the influence. You know what, I am such an attention whore. Today someone who saw my picture (not the blurry one I posted here, somewhere else) told me I was gorgeous. And that is the very best thing about today.

I took him off my buddy list.... he can see me but I can't see him. So now I won't be tempted to write him and try to chat. He doesn't love me, and that's OK. There's someone out there for me.

I'm asleep now.

frog in the blog

I've totally lost my voice and my throat hurts like hell! I am going to get some more soup. I wish I was home so I could have make myself some hot tea...

Tomorrow is the first day of school. I'm only taking one class this semester because I had such a terrible time last semester. I have a morning class on M,W, F. I was planning to start working out before my first class starts at 8:30. I don't think that will happen tomorrow...

Ooo I did a good thing today. I called the health center at school and made an appointment with the counselor I've seen off and on for the past two years. I want to start an eating disorder support group at our school (the biggest in the state and they don't have one, can you believe it??). It's also my personal belief that I'm suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome from being teased as a fat child. I'm really serious. I think this totally traumatized me and my entire outlook. Could this be what is preventing me from moving on and getting in shape? I also decided to start writing my "memoirs" to see what I can remember about this period.

I don't have strep throat because I'm coughing too much and don't have a fever. It's bronchitis for sure which means they can't do anything about it, g'dang it. I will buy more Nyquil and sleep nicely tonight.

We have two items in today's bulimia news, which I will call Regurgitated Headlines from now on (cuz I'm clever like that). The first one is that New Zealand school girls are throwing up in groups. Apparantly one school has become extremely strict about monitoring its students' eating habits:

Nelson College for Girls had the worst incidence of students with eating disorders in the South Island and last year developed a rigid programme to deal with the problem, he said.
Girls were allowed at school only if their parents signed a form saying their child had eaten breakfast, and students had to leave school if they did not eat lunch, he said.

The other item is a bit cheerier. Felicity Huffman won a "Best Actress" Golden Globe last night for her role in TransAmerica! Felicity, who is the wife of William H. Macy and the kickass Lynette on Desperate Housewives and she is a former ED sufferer, as she said in one interview:

I suffered from bulimia and eventually it turned into anorexia. I never thought anyone would want me or accept me the way I was.

However, she evidently got better and looked gorgeous last night accepting her award. You go girl!

screwed by soup

Have you ever the terrible experience of opening up a can of your very favorite soup to discover you accidentally bought the wrong kind? That happened to me tonight. I hadn't eaten all day because of this cold and was really looking forward to the chicken noodle by Healthy Choice... but I had accidentally bought and opened garden vegetable. I have a few other cans of loser soup that have been in the back of the cupboard since I noticed they were the wrong kind, but I wasn't paying attention today. And the worst part was that the soup was really bad because it was infected with green beans! I had to eat some chocolate covered popcorn to get rid of the taste.

I didn't walk. I'm all achy and sick. Maybe tomorrow.

good drive, bad back

I drove and drove today...

My back is killing me now. However I did a lot of good thinking... I did eat at McDonalds though... It was not even worth it because the fries were cold and the McNuggets too dry. Damn you Ronald!

I love driving so much. If all my plans fail I will go to truck driving school. (As Kramer said, There's nothing sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a big rig.) I kept forgetting which exits I needed to look out for so I would think of it as a weight. Like, "I will never weigh 429 lbs. I can't imagine what it would be like to weigh 429 lbs." and presto I would have it memorized. See, I still have it memorized hours later!

well tomorrow I will walk if my cold is not much worse...

Edited to add: I have now had TWO comments from visitors. Amazing I am!

sick and tired but yet I feel better

I am getting sick. I have such a sore throat and am losing my voice.

but other than that I had a pretty good day. I drove and drove and drove and drove.... seven hours in all! I went to see Jason Mraz in concert. He is so funny. I cried twice because his voice and songs are so beautiful... It was worth driving seven hours... he inspires me so much. Some of his fans are scary/obnoxious, but most just seemed to adore him (like yours truly).

I didn't eat dinner. I have no appetite... I think it's the cold. Also my back hurts so much from all that driving. (But still, worth it!)

I will do lots more thinking on the way home.

this sucks

I'm so fat. I ate about 10 lbs of caramel, chocolate and cheese popcorn. My throat is starting to hurt, it feels like I was allergic to something I ate...

Why can't I bring myself to work out? I'm feeling depressed.... it's time for the downward slide to PMS again. I really need to get on the Seasonale. I don't have the $120 to pay for it yet.

I am sad.

I'm blue

I am suffering from unrequited love. I love someone who doesn't love me back and never will. At least it seems this is the case. I keep hoping it will change when I lose weight, but again, I can't do accomplish this superhuman feat. My heart is broken when I think about how he doesn't care, and he's one of my best friends so I can't just ignore him. I know I have to lose weight for myself, but it still hurts to think about him eventually finding someone else. I don't know necessarily that he is even right for me and I've never told him how I feel, but I just feel rejected already. Of course he couldn't like me - I'm too ugly, too much of a failure, blah blah.

Today was kind of a good day in that I again almost binged on Chinese buffet just because I want it so badly, but I decided against it. I wanted to go but I felt guilty about spending the money, since I'm really broke lately, plus I was feeling bad after again eating sugar cookies at the office. Plus I had peanut M&Ms - chocolate-covered crack balls. I had another frozen meal and some salad for dindin.

I didn't exercise today. I feel like a blob. Oh and I ate a large sandwich at Quiznos. I am a blob!

Check out this blog I found - this chick and I have the same birthday. http://mixedup.diaryland.com/

bulimia on the rise in South Africa... and in my bathroom!

I read an article that says some black South African women are starting to develop bulimia as they ditch traditional African beauty standards of fuller figures being idealized:

Eleven per cent of the students had "significant concerns about their body shape" or were identified as "possible cases of (the eating disorder) bulimia nervosa."

"These data indicate that there are signs of more realism concerning weight status among black female students. However, there are also signs of assimilation of Western cultural norms concerning body shape, eating attitudes and weight management," says the 1999 study, published two years later in the South African Journal of Psychology.

Similar trends have been noticed in the United States, where improved living standards have also come with psychological baggage, said Karen Charlton, a researcher at the Medical Research Council.

"In the United States the increase in eating disorders amongst Afro-Americans has been attributed to a rise in affluence and social status," said Charlton.

Today I ate my weight in sugar cookies at work. Why is it I feel like all the snacks I eat at work should be calorie-free simply because they're free? I went quite a few hours but I had to throw it up later, just because I felt so sick. It was such a relief. Then I wanted to go binge at the Chinese buffet but decided against it! yay! I was so tempted and I tried to talk myself out of it. But since the weather was so bleeping cold I didn't want to go out again, and that influenced my decision to stay home. I had a South Beach Diet frozen dinner which was really good... I told myself I had to have that, and if I still wanted to go to the restaurant after that I could. I ate slowly and drank a lot of water and then I really did feel full.

I have very little energy. It is one of those cases where I need to work out to have more energy, but I don't have energy to work out in the first place.

I need to remind myself that I MUST lose weight and I MUST get in shape this spring. There can be no more of these stupid slipups!

That quote feature rocks. I should splash up this blog with images but I'm too lazy right now.

good day today

I had a good day today except that I had three big sugar cookies! I also went to Starbucks for a frappuccino but they were all out :-( But I had more delicious salad for dinner... yummy! Who knew salad could taste so good? I have put corn, peas, kidney beans, tomatoes and chicken on top of lettuce with light raspberry vinagrette dressing.

I didn't exercise though... I watched Celebrity Fit Club 3 tonight... wow I love that show and I hate reality TV. It inspires me to go out and sweat.

h2overboard

I forgot to mention I'm trying to drink lots of water to fill myself up. Somehow I need to feel full or else I get anxious.

By the way I wrote "feel fool" instead and had to fix it...

I would like to be thin. Wouldn't it be so ironic if I cured myself of bulimia with anorexia? Of course that would never happen... how DO anorexics do it? That is the million dollar question.

too much dinner

I'm so full... I made a salad and it was pretty good but I ate too much, too fast. I have this desire to stuff myself full of food so I figure I will try stuffing myself full of healthy food and see how that goes. I did the same thing earlier with carrots. I bought some carrots sliced like potato chips and they are really good.

I think my scale is broken so I don't know if I will be weighing myself much. I was 192 and then I moved the scale and I was 186.

I was planning on going for a walk tonight but I am so stuffed that I can't move... it will be midnight before I can move again.

I had a bunch of profound thoughts earlier today but I forgot what they were. Maybe just that I need to eat healthy food, very often so I never get hungry... I'm going to start going to the gym at school too because it's free... I would like to try going three times a week, in the morning. Can you imagine if I could actually do it, how I would look at the end of the semester?

on the Something-Fishy board someone was talking about Lindsay Lohan and how having an eating disorder is becoming a celebrity "trend." I think celebrities are just in the spotlight more than the average people are, and so whatever they do gets attention, but to say it's a celebrity trend to is to ignore the problem as a whole. I hear things about certain jobs or sports being blamed for eating disorders (such as modeling, gymnastics, figure skating, etc) and it makes me kind of mad, because there are so many of us suffering who have never been models or athletes, or celebrities for that matter. For every suffering A list celebrity, there are a million other sufferers you'll never hear of.

in other words, our society as a whole is suffering, and celebrities and athletes are not immune to the problems of society.

tired, ate too much, but no binge

I'm exhausted, I'm about to fall asleep and I only woke up 12 hours ago. Anyway I ate too much today... I had about five of those magically delicious Ferrero Rocher hazelnut chocolate things at work. Mmm mmm good! Then I had nice sandwich/baked Lays combo at Subway and was feeling groovy when I decided to go buy two cookies. And since they are 50 cents each but three for a $1.25, I decided to "save money" and buy three, which I promptly stuffed in my face. Ugh ugh I have felt like crap ever since... and then I went and bought nearly $60 of healthyish food at the grocery store... I wanted to toss my cookies but didn't because I reminded myself how it was too late to do any good in terms of getting rid of the calories. Then a few hours later I was hungry again and had a frozen South Beach Diet dinner... they are really good by the way. It put me in the mood for Chinese and I almost went out to the buffet (favorite binge zone) but didn't. I talked myself out of it.... good for me.

I walked to work and back today. I don't know why I'm so dead... I feel like my legs are made out of lead instead of just a lot of fat.

Tomorrow I will walk again... OMG I'm so tired.

zzzzzzzz

iheartlohan

I haven't updated in awhile...

First off, I weighed myself a few days ago and I was 188, and then I weighed myself two days ago and I was 185. I think that's too low actually because I was around 190 and then ate like a pig during the holidays.

I just got back from a short walk, about 40 minutes. It was very nice and I did lots of thinking. I mainly thought about how important it is for me to be thin and how all these people who say looks don't matter are full of utter shit. I cannot be happy unless I am thin - is that a disease if I lose weight in a healthy way?

I ate too much today but I didn't binge. I ate three pieces of Russian chocolate - I hate Russian chocolate since it's so bitter, but I kept taking another piece in hope the next kind would be better. I gave up after three kinds... and then this evening I had a frappuccino! I have not had one in a long time.

Today's bulimia news is that Lindsay Lohan is admitting she was bulimic and that is the truth about why she got so skinny.

Ooooh ooooh I'm so excited, the Tyra Banks show is a repeat of the one where she wears the fat suit undercover... I wanted to see that one for months... I just randomly checked the TV guide and there it was. I saw the highlight where she cries about how mean people were to the fat her...

I'll post later.

hunger

So far I've had a good day. I woke up at 8 am and had a good breakfast with eggs... I had a turkey sandwich and chips for lunch.

I'm writing because I'm afraid I'm going to binge for no reason tonight. I need to look at the big picture. It will make a difference if I binge. It will make a difference if I don't binge. I need to eat a healthy dinner... ahhh why is something so simple seem so hard.

I guess I need to have a snack now and that is why I am suddenly spazzing about food. I will eat a hard boiled egg - protein will keep me full!

Happy New Year!

It's a new year and I've been catching up on sleep.... I slept soooo much on Friday, Saturday and Sunday (no wonder I'm awake at 4:30 am).

I am thinking about why I want to get better. If bulimia worked I think I would do it forever... but it doesn't work anymore. I would be like, ok b/p one more time won't make a difference, I'll start a diet/workout tomorrow. But it's not a neutral action, it makes me gain weight. And if my dream is to be thin then... I have to stop this.

I would like to be in good shape and have energy. I would like to drink lots of water and eat lots of fruit and vegetables. I would like to not have stomach aches. I would like to sleep normal hours and not be tired. I don't think this is too much to ask, is it?

Anyway I will also go back to therapy because I want to find out why something that seems so simple is so impossible for me...