Stuck halfway up the mountain

Why do I think the Lap-Band will take all my problems away? I guess I am tired of being hungry all the time.

I really am hungry all the time. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my stomach hurts so much from the hunger. That can't be normal. It's like the fatter I get, the more my body needs to eat to feed each fat cell. Fuck you fat cells.

My foot is better in the boot. It doesn't hurt at all no matter how much I walk. Without it I can't walk without limping. It's a stress fracture by the way and not a clean break like the urgent care doctor said. I guess I will start riding the bike again.

I am a bit tipsy. I had two alcoholic drinks tonight with friends. Drinking makes me sad. What is that they say, it is heartbreaking to love so someone you can't be with who is far from you, but even more heartbreaking to love someone right next to you that you can't be with? Well if they don't say that, they should say something like that because it's true.

nite nite

One step forward, two steps back

I've been doing well lately with eating, thanks to the Prozac. However I haven't been exercising over the past few weeks because my left foot has really been hurting... well guess what - it's fractured!!!!

I didn't do anything to it either except walk on it a lot. Actually my right foot starting hurting a lot, and so I was limping a lot onto my left foot, and then my left foot really starting hurting. It swelled up so I got it x-rayed and it's a clean fracture. So now I am limping again on my right foot and it's really hurting again too! Can you imagine if I have two broken feet?

And it's all because I'm so overweight. I'm sure of it. What else would cause it? It makes me so furious. I'm stuck at this weight. How am I supposed to exercise now?

I am almost crying writing this and I almost never cry, especially on the Prozac. This situation is just becoming hopeless. I need weight loss surgery and I know it would be successful, but my insurance refuses to pay for it and I don't have money either.

I don't know what to do.

This just in: Change is hard

Well I am improving but it's not quite as easy as I imagine it will be. After exercising the first few days last week I didn't do anything! I ate OK I suppose but I've had a few slipups. I know it's time to change and I've got to rearrange and move my heart to what I'm gonna be (sha na na na na na na, sha na na na na na!) but it's SO damn hard.

My sleep is still beyond fucked up. That is really hurting my weight loss, I know. If you don't sleep enough or consistently your body can't metabolize worth shit. One person I know takes Lunesta and loves it. Yesterday (Monday) I slept till 5 p.m. 5! I was awake until about 4 a.m. I think... so I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm drinking a bunch of Diet Mountain Dew right now to try to make it through the day and then go to bed at a normal hour.

I'm really stressed about my weight. Nothing fits. I don't hate myself though. It's just shocking me when I see pictures. I don't know why, when I look in the mirror, I look half the size I really am. Only in photos can I see the real me and it's just AWFUL.

signed,
sad me

Yay for me

I exercised again on Tuesday - I walked and rode the bike. I also did 10 minutes on the elliptical, but my back didn't feel too good afterward and I think it could be from that. My back has been pain-free now for months so any kind of feeling there freaks me out a bit.

I will continue with walking. I also need to get some new shoes. Did I mention my shin splints? Oy vey.

I've been eating OK. The Prozac immediately kills my cravings when I go on it. Unfortunately it doesn't last.

I think I'm going to expand this site this summer. Make it more of a portal. What do you think?

exercised again!

Already I feel better and more upbeat emotionally. My feet are killing me with blisters... ouch.... and I have shin splints just from walking! I used to get them when I ran but now it's just from walking because I'm so out of shape. I have to stop every once in awhile because the pain is so bad.

Oh well despite that it's still enjoyable. I have a pretty good attitude about it because it's so nice to be able to exercise at all. My back is not hurting at all, knock on wood.

eating is already better too though I'm back on the Prozac and that is like 70 percent of eating well for me.

it begins AGAIN

Well here I go again: I'm starting today to eat healthy and exercise. This is probably my 10,000 attempt at this but what else can I do? I am massive, and I don't mean that in a delusional eating disorder view. I'm around 250 lbs. I've never been this big and it's scary. Not only is it scary how instantly I got this big when I stopped working out, but it's scary to be this size. Sometime just standing up and walking across the room leaves me winded. Ugh!!! That's what I'm talking about: scary.

So today I started walking. Actually on Saturday night I walked to the movies, which is 1.3 miles there and back. Today I walked to work, which is about 1 mile away. I'm already getting blisters. My back doesn't hurt at all, but my knees and feet do.

I feel like working out a LOT but it is frustrating how out of shape I am. Today I will also ride the bike.

I don't know how to feel. My size is very depressing. I saw a picture of myself and it was frightening how massive I am. I almost cried. But at the same time I'm hopeful because I have all summer to enjoy getting back into shape. I haven't been working out because I've had a second job (which involved sitting at the computer snacking) but now that's over for the summer and I have more time.

I also started taking Prozac again which I hope will help me stop bingeing.

I still want to get the Lap-Band by the way. But I think I need to lose 25-50 lbs on my own first, or else I will have really saggy skin. I really have a fat stomach and I never really had that before. It's awful.

you can only do your best

I haven't been doing my best... Why is it I keep forgetting that binging is a waste of time and harmful to my goal of losing weight? I keep excusing this behavior and saying I'll stop tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

just once I would like to do my best...

love to your all

tired and tired of it

I'm stuck

I can't stop eating

I'm getting fatter and fatter...

I think I have diabetes too. I've never been so fat, I've never been so unhealthy, I've never felt so sick.

Yet I still can't stop.

I was going to write I don't know how to stop but I guess that's not true. I've stopped before. You just have to do it. I just can't I guess. I guess the only thing to do is try again... try or die.

I exercised!!!!

Well I finally have some news to post. I haven't posted because I haven't really had any updates. Sorry for sucking.

The news is that I exercised! Really for the first time since my surgery... three months ago!!! Hah! Well I've tried walking and riding the bike before and it really hurt my back. The last time I tried riding the bike was about three weeks ago I think... I could only ride for about five minutes because it started really hurting. But today I rode the bike for one straight hour and it didn't hurt at all!!! Then I came home and cleaned a bunch, including shampooing the carpet. It hurt slightly but not much after that.

I don't know what to say. I feel like it's already been said.

I am massively fat... I've never been so fat. I'm still trying to get the Lap Band but in the meantime I've got to start moving. I feel like I'll never be able to lose this much weight. I know that is stupid, but it's just hard to start.

I love you all... hope you are doing fantastic.

What do you think it's like...

to have a life that does not revolve around your weight and food? What do those people think about?

I didn't post my bulimic hell yet. I will soon. It was truly terrible.

I have never been so fat in my life. I am just not me. I never look in the mirror... it's just awful. I want Lap-Band so badly. Does anyone have piles of money where you can help me get it? I can't believe my insurance "excludes" it... how convenient.

I am sorry for all of you out there who struggle and hurt. I wish I could erase this ridiculous demon from existence.

Bulimia hell

What do those two words mean to you? What is your definition of bulimia hell? Tell me and then I will post the situation that defines it for me.

To a girl who wrote me...

This is what I replied to a 17-year-old Australian girl who wrote me asking for help:

Please seek help as soon as you can... get away from bulimia. It will take over your life and get worse and worse. It is called an eating "disorder" for a reason. Your body will become more and more screwed up over time - your eating and sleeping habits will become completely bizarre, and it will be hard to break this.

Please talk to your doctor or nurse or psychiatrist.... I recommend going on Prozac - it helps a LOT with the desire to binge.

-----------------

I wonder if I should start an advice column? Maybe I should write myself anonymously and maybe I'll actually take my own advice?????

bulimia is a suite in hell

and I am checking out.

I am DONE, goodbye, farewell and fuck you, Mr. Eating Disorder.

Happy New Year to every one of you. May your 2008 be easy, breezy and pain free.

Love yourselves.

I haven't posted in 2 months.. yikes!

well a lot has happened! after ending up in the emergency room with the worst back spasms, we finally discovered that the problem with my back is not a sprain but a herniated disc!!! and it's a very bad one at that. I'm having surgery a week from tomorrow to fix it.

I think this will be a good start for me... I will be doing physical therapy after surgery. I think I will appreciate being able to work out once more.

I'm still feeling pretty depressed sometimes... I'm unhappy with quite a few things. I need to make a lot of changes in 2008.

I hope you are all doing better. I promise to update this thing more often!!!

Guess who's back (back again)

I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months. Yikes.

Well I've really been struggling. Time is flying by and I've been getting fatter and fatter. Life seemed hopeless.

So I decided to give the lap-band a second thought and I'm going to do it, even though I have to pay on my own ($15,000, which I have to borrow from my boss). First I will do a few months of therapy.

I've thought about this for a long time, in depth. I know it will help me because it will help me feel full. I know that for whatever reason, my stomach is signaling my brain that it is not full, and my brain is signaling me to eat.

I know this will be a controversial decision around here but this is what I'm planning to do. Everything else I have tried has not worked.

this sucks

I'm doing terribly, terribly. I'm falling apart. I am so depressed and I can't stop binging. My stomach hurts, my teeth hurts, my head hurts.

I wish I could win the lottery.

I don't know why I am the way I am... there is a way out, but I just can't get there. This sucks.

emotional + physical agony

I'm doing pretty terrible right now because my cat has been missing since Monday (five days). He's three and is always around. He never goes far. I am terrified someone took him - there is a nasty old man who my neighbors say traps cats and kills them. I confronted him and he said he did not see my cat but I don't trust that piece of shit not to lie to me. I'm completely devastated and can't stop crying. I put up fliers and an ad in the newspaper but nothing. I called a pet detective who uses scent dogs to track missing animals. Unfortunately it's ridiculously expensive. Do I have any ridiculously wealthy readers who want to contribute $1,500 for the pet detective? If you don't have any money, please just pray for my baby.

OK then my physical pain. As I said my back has been hurting me. Well I went to the doctor and physio and they said it's not my back but that my tailbone is out of alignment. When I stand, my right shoulder is lower than my left shoulder. So my muscles and ligaments on my right side are inflamed and angry because they are compensating for the crooked tailbone. The physio tried to uncrook it but it didn't work. Not sure how I got it crooked, it might have been when I tried to run that one time. So basically I can't do anything physical until it pops back because it's atrociously painful/bad for me.

I'm really depressed. I'm so heartbroken that I don't really have an appetite. I've been taking three prozacs a day (I'm supposed to take 2, at most) to try to help me through it.

I just hurt.

1, 2, 3 - Hooray for me!

Guess what guys... I'm doing pretty well! I have gotten into a good schedule and am going to bed and waking up early.

I feel good about myself... I figured out the only way to stop the bulimia cycle is to stop it COMPLETELY. You can't stop halfway.

I started the "Fat Smash" diet by the doctor on Celebrity Fit Club. It is pretty good. I'm eating small meals pretty often. After a week I've lost about 5 lbs. I haven't had the urge to binge at all. Well I have, but I didn't do it. I just eat a small amount of something else instead. Kellogg's Special K with chocolate bits is AWESOME for dealing with evening urges.

The only problem is my back. It is killing me again. I am working out through the pain but I don't see the point of laying around and being sedentary. It keeps spasming on me though. I'll see the doctor next week about it. Give me some painkillers!

Posting again

I'm doing OK. I started over, basically. I'm feeling calmer and taking the Prozac regularly. Whenever I go off it I start to binge. Gee, what a coincidence!

I started working out again - cardio and weight machines - but my back started bothering me immediately. So I replaced the weight machines with back exercises and have still be doing cardio. My back is still bad but I bought these heat patches and they are AWESOME! My back gets so stiff I can't move but with the heat it's like the stiffness melts away. They actually get too hot but it's OK.

I wanted to try running and I could only run for a minute and a half before I had to stop. The machine even gave me a message - "running is not recommended at your weight." Hah! Insulted by a machine! Well, I weigh 220 lbs. Well gotta start somewhere.

love to everyone.

Starting over again

I've been doing really badly and I have a few ideas WHY.

Number one, I realized that this "love" I feel for C3 is exactly what I've been doing for many years: creating feelings of love for a male friend/acquaintance who does not like me while simultaneously beating myself up for not being good enough for him. This creates a romantic relationship (in my mind) that at the same time prevents me/keeps me safely away from having a romantic relationship with someone else (a real one in which the feelings are mutual). Now why do I do that? I have to admit the crush feelings are like a drug, an opiate numbing my emotional pain. But it's a terrible, pointless cycle which leaves me feeling worthless about myself. At the end of it all I'm literally starving for lack of love. Starving for love leads to overeating.

Number two, if I do not eat properly, I have no chance of eating properly. That is to say, unhealthy eating creates a starvation of my brain. I can't think normally, I can't eat normally, I can't feel normally, I can't relate normally, I can't function normally. Then it all begins again! When will I learn? Well I have learned.

Finally, I can't do this alone. I can't get better without professional and emotional help and support. I can get some emotional support but but I don't have any money, so how can I get professional support?