tired and tired of it

I'm stuck

I can't stop eating

I'm getting fatter and fatter...

I think I have diabetes too. I've never been so fat, I've never been so unhealthy, I've never felt so sick.

Yet I still can't stop.

I was going to write I don't know how to stop but I guess that's not true. I've stopped before. You just have to do it. I just can't I guess. I guess the only thing to do is try again... try or die.

I exercised!!!!

Well I finally have some news to post. I haven't posted because I haven't really had any updates. Sorry for sucking.

The news is that I exercised! Really for the first time since my surgery... three months ago!!! Hah! Well I've tried walking and riding the bike before and it really hurt my back. The last time I tried riding the bike was about three weeks ago I think... I could only ride for about five minutes because it started really hurting. But today I rode the bike for one straight hour and it didn't hurt at all!!! Then I came home and cleaned a bunch, including shampooing the carpet. It hurt slightly but not much after that.

I don't know what to say. I feel like it's already been said.

I am massively fat... I've never been so fat. I'm still trying to get the Lap Band but in the meantime I've got to start moving. I feel like I'll never be able to lose this much weight. I know that is stupid, but it's just hard to start.

I love you all... hope you are doing fantastic.

What do you think it's like...

to have a life that does not revolve around your weight and food? What do those people think about?

I didn't post my bulimic hell yet. I will soon. It was truly terrible.

I have never been so fat in my life. I am just not me. I never look in the mirror... it's just awful. I want Lap-Band so badly. Does anyone have piles of money where you can help me get it? I can't believe my insurance "excludes" it... how convenient.

I am sorry for all of you out there who struggle and hurt. I wish I could erase this ridiculous demon from existence.

Bulimia hell

What do those two words mean to you? What is your definition of bulimia hell? Tell me and then I will post the situation that defines it for me.

To a girl who wrote me...

This is what I replied to a 17-year-old Australian girl who wrote me asking for help:

Please seek help as soon as you can... get away from bulimia. It will take over your life and get worse and worse. It is called an eating "disorder" for a reason. Your body will become more and more screwed up over time - your eating and sleeping habits will become completely bizarre, and it will be hard to break this.

Please talk to your doctor or nurse or psychiatrist.... I recommend going on Prozac - it helps a LOT with the desire to binge.

-----------------

I wonder if I should start an advice column? Maybe I should write myself anonymously and maybe I'll actually take my own advice?????

bulimia is a suite in hell

and I am checking out.

I am DONE, goodbye, farewell and fuck you, Mr. Eating Disorder.

Happy New Year to every one of you. May your 2008 be easy, breezy and pain free.

Love yourselves.

I haven't posted in 2 months.. yikes!

well a lot has happened! after ending up in the emergency room with the worst back spasms, we finally discovered that the problem with my back is not a sprain but a herniated disc!!! and it's a very bad one at that. I'm having surgery a week from tomorrow to fix it.

I think this will be a good start for me... I will be doing physical therapy after surgery. I think I will appreciate being able to work out once more.

I'm still feeling pretty depressed sometimes... I'm unhappy with quite a few things. I need to make a lot of changes in 2008.

I hope you are all doing better. I promise to update this thing more often!!!

Guess who's back (back again)

I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months. Yikes.

Well I've really been struggling. Time is flying by and I've been getting fatter and fatter. Life seemed hopeless.

So I decided to give the lap-band a second thought and I'm going to do it, even though I have to pay on my own ($15,000, which I have to borrow from my boss). First I will do a few months of therapy.

I've thought about this for a long time, in depth. I know it will help me because it will help me feel full. I know that for whatever reason, my stomach is signaling my brain that it is not full, and my brain is signaling me to eat.

I know this will be a controversial decision around here but this is what I'm planning to do. Everything else I have tried has not worked.

this sucks

I'm doing terribly, terribly. I'm falling apart. I am so depressed and I can't stop binging. My stomach hurts, my teeth hurts, my head hurts.

I wish I could win the lottery.

I don't know why I am the way I am... there is a way out, but I just can't get there. This sucks.

emotional + physical agony

I'm doing pretty terrible right now because my cat has been missing since Monday (five days). He's three and is always around. He never goes far. I am terrified someone took him - there is a nasty old man who my neighbors say traps cats and kills them. I confronted him and he said he did not see my cat but I don't trust that piece of shit not to lie to me. I'm completely devastated and can't stop crying. I put up fliers and an ad in the newspaper but nothing. I called a pet detective who uses scent dogs to track missing animals. Unfortunately it's ridiculously expensive. Do I have any ridiculously wealthy readers who want to contribute $1,500 for the pet detective? If you don't have any money, please just pray for my baby.

OK then my physical pain. As I said my back has been hurting me. Well I went to the doctor and physio and they said it's not my back but that my tailbone is out of alignment. When I stand, my right shoulder is lower than my left shoulder. So my muscles and ligaments on my right side are inflamed and angry because they are compensating for the crooked tailbone. The physio tried to uncrook it but it didn't work. Not sure how I got it crooked, it might have been when I tried to run that one time. So basically I can't do anything physical until it pops back because it's atrociously painful/bad for me.

I'm really depressed. I'm so heartbroken that I don't really have an appetite. I've been taking three prozacs a day (I'm supposed to take 2, at most) to try to help me through it.

I just hurt.

1, 2, 3 - Hooray for me!

Guess what guys... I'm doing pretty well! I have gotten into a good schedule and am going to bed and waking up early.

I feel good about myself... I figured out the only way to stop the bulimia cycle is to stop it COMPLETELY. You can't stop halfway.

I started the "Fat Smash" diet by the doctor on Celebrity Fit Club. It is pretty good. I'm eating small meals pretty often. After a week I've lost about 5 lbs. I haven't had the urge to binge at all. Well I have, but I didn't do it. I just eat a small amount of something else instead. Kellogg's Special K with chocolate bits is AWESOME for dealing with evening urges.

The only problem is my back. It is killing me again. I am working out through the pain but I don't see the point of laying around and being sedentary. It keeps spasming on me though. I'll see the doctor next week about it. Give me some painkillers!

Posting again

I'm doing OK. I started over, basically. I'm feeling calmer and taking the Prozac regularly. Whenever I go off it I start to binge. Gee, what a coincidence!

I started working out again - cardio and weight machines - but my back started bothering me immediately. So I replaced the weight machines with back exercises and have still be doing cardio. My back is still bad but I bought these heat patches and they are AWESOME! My back gets so stiff I can't move but with the heat it's like the stiffness melts away. They actually get too hot but it's OK.

I wanted to try running and I could only run for a minute and a half before I had to stop. The machine even gave me a message - "running is not recommended at your weight." Hah! Insulted by a machine! Well, I weigh 220 lbs. Well gotta start somewhere.

love to everyone.

Starting over again

I've been doing really badly and I have a few ideas WHY.

Number one, I realized that this "love" I feel for C3 is exactly what I've been doing for many years: creating feelings of love for a male friend/acquaintance who does not like me while simultaneously beating myself up for not being good enough for him. This creates a romantic relationship (in my mind) that at the same time prevents me/keeps me safely away from having a romantic relationship with someone else (a real one in which the feelings are mutual). Now why do I do that? I have to admit the crush feelings are like a drug, an opiate numbing my emotional pain. But it's a terrible, pointless cycle which leaves me feeling worthless about myself. At the end of it all I'm literally starving for lack of love. Starving for love leads to overeating.

Number two, if I do not eat properly, I have no chance of eating properly. That is to say, unhealthy eating creates a starvation of my brain. I can't think normally, I can't eat normally, I can't feel normally, I can't relate normally, I can't function normally. Then it all begins again! When will I learn? Well I have learned.

Finally, I can't do this alone. I can't get better without professional and emotional help and support. I can get some emotional support but but I don't have any money, so how can I get professional support?

I love my cats, I hate my life

I just got home. I am sitting here with my cats. It is the first time all day I have felt love. They love me so much, they love me no matter what.

I am crying and it feels so good. It feels so good to cry.

I hurt. I really hurt.

I am angry at other people but I am angry at myself. I need to get angry at myself to change. There is a whole world out there for me.

I've really been struggling, struggling to find answers as to who I am and what I do... and why I do things I don't need to do and why I don't do things I need to do.

I am looking for the answers to so many questions. I don't know what is right and how to feel.

I need to start thinking practically. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...

God help me.

Lap (Band) Dance

So I was seriously thinking about getting a Lap-Band. I'm officially fat enough and I even signed up for an informational seminar next week. Lap-Bands are like gastric bypass surgery except they don't do any cutting or bypassing, they just put a band around your stomach so it squeezes the top part into a little mini stomach. Then you can only eat a few bites until you're full.

I'm just not sure. It just seems like cheating. It wouldn't solve my problems with food. I would be so ashamed about it too. But if I was full after a few bites, wouldn't that help me not binge?

I don't know. I'm getting desperate. This morning I was totally convinced exercise and proper diet was the only to lose weight and that it IS still possible, but tonight as I write these words I am thinking that it all has to end. Maybe this would help me.

I really, really wish I had a guy who wanted to kiss me. Who wanted to hold my hand in public and have the whole world see.

this is not how I envisioned my life

first off, I'm drunk.

secondly, I'm so fat.

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. Do you know how hard it is to type this when you're as drunk as I am?

I've been doing pretty poorly. One good thing is that I started on the BC pills again. I went to Unplanned Parenthood and lied my ass off to get them. I told them I was having all sorts of sex. I even checked off "iin a long term relationship." Yeah with my hand! hah! But it's alot cheaper, $20 per month vs $140 for three months for the Seasonale. Anyway I think the pills are making me super de[ressed.Thatis not good. DId I mention I'm drunk...... We had an easter Party andI Drank somuch. I even danced with my sweet crush. He turned so fast I almost got dizzy.

YOu know whatis awesome? Law & Order: Criminal Intent. It's super awesome. It should be bottled and sold as an awesome energy drink.

i"m so incredibly fat. as I was saying, I started working out and lost a few pounds but now I"m feeling depressed probably because of the MFing homornal birth control pills.

I think I will be alone forever. Nobody has written asking where I've been so I guess that means nobody misses me.

............... it hurts, I wish i iknew if i loved hiim or if it is infatuation

I'm sorry

National "You'll Never Get Over Your Eating Disorder" Awareness Week

I haven't been doing too hot. I just don't feel like getting better... well that's not true. I'm just in a big fat funk.

I don't think I have an eating disorder. I think I just have a food disorder. If I could just stop eating junk I wouldn't feel so crappy, and I wouldn't want to eat more crap.

It's almost 4 am and I'm still awake. This sucks.

sorry I haven't posted.

I am sick!

OK, I feel like complete crap and I know now there is something physically wrong with me. I'm not sleeping right, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, I'm achy and completely exhausted. And you know what, I think I've felt this way all along! Like, for years!

I suspect the only reason I know I feel this bad now is because I had that period after the gallbladder flush where I did *NOT* feel this way.

I just feel nasty and I refuse to believe this is all in my head and that I am afraid to get better or whatever. I do believe it has something to do with my liver... So I'm still doing that one-day detox. I realized I'm going to be out of town next weekend so I can't do the detox then, I'll do it next Monday instead. So my seven days of pre-detox starts today.

The only hard part of the pre-detox is no caffeine... yikes! I'm so tired.

back to detox

So I'm going to try to do some more detoxing... I felt so incredible after that first liver/gallbladder flush, and I feel so shitty in comparison. I have no doubt my whole digestive system is fucked up, and I think cleaning my liver is the key.

I bought a book called Fast Track Detox by Ann Louise Gittleman, who wrote the Fat Flush Plan. I wanted to buy that one but it was twice as expensive (hard cover) and I am broke for a few more days until payday. I figured I might as well start with the one-day plan.

It's a one-day detox but you have to do seven days of preparation first, where you eat foods that help your liver and colon. Broccoli, apples, citrus, flaxseed oil etc. No milk or alcohol which shouldn't be too hard, but no caffeine either. I've been enjoying coffee in the morning but I'll have to give it up. I'm starting tomorrow. I feel like crap!!!!

Anyway, I'm reading the book and it's fascinating. She talks about how the foods we eat have been so screwed up with added chemicals and hormones that our bodies' internal weight management system is out of balance and causes us to overeat and always feel hungry... exactly what I suspect is going on with me. Everybody go buy this book!!! Or at least go to the bookstore and sit down and read it.

I'll report back in the next week about how it goes. Lots of love...

still feel like crud

I think I'm getting my period. I can't believe how low I feel. This sucks. My next $150 goes to refilling my Seasonale prescription. Fuck this!!!