Lap (Band) Dance

So I was seriously thinking about getting a Lap-Band. I'm officially fat enough and I even signed up for an informational seminar next week. Lap-Bands are like gastric bypass surgery except they don't do any cutting or bypassing, they just put a band around your stomach so it squeezes the top part into a little mini stomach. Then you can only eat a few bites until you're full.

I'm just not sure. It just seems like cheating. It wouldn't solve my problems with food. I would be so ashamed about it too. But if I was full after a few bites, wouldn't that help me not binge?

I don't know. I'm getting desperate. This morning I was totally convinced exercise and proper diet was the only to lose weight and that it IS still possible, but tonight as I write these words I am thinking that it all has to end. Maybe this would help me.

I really, really wish I had a guy who wanted to kiss me. Who wanted to hold my hand in public and have the whole world see.

this is not how I envisioned my life

first off, I'm drunk.

secondly, I'm so fat.

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. Do you know how hard it is to type this when you're as drunk as I am?

I've been doing pretty poorly. One good thing is that I started on the BC pills again. I went to Unplanned Parenthood and lied my ass off to get them. I told them I was having all sorts of sex. I even checked off "iin a long term relationship." Yeah with my hand! hah! But it's alot cheaper, $20 per month vs $140 for three months for the Seasonale. Anyway I think the pills are making me super de[ressed.Thatis not good. DId I mention I'm drunk...... We had an easter Party andI Drank somuch. I even danced with my sweet crush. He turned so fast I almost got dizzy.

YOu know whatis awesome? Law & Order: Criminal Intent. It's super awesome. It should be bottled and sold as an awesome energy drink.

i"m so incredibly fat. as I was saying, I started working out and lost a few pounds but now I"m feeling depressed probably because of the MFing homornal birth control pills.

I think I will be alone forever. Nobody has written asking where I've been so I guess that means nobody misses me.

............... it hurts, I wish i iknew if i loved hiim or if it is infatuation

I'm sorry

National "You'll Never Get Over Your Eating Disorder" Awareness Week

I haven't been doing too hot. I just don't feel like getting better... well that's not true. I'm just in a big fat funk.

I don't think I have an eating disorder. I think I just have a food disorder. If I could just stop eating junk I wouldn't feel so crappy, and I wouldn't want to eat more crap.

It's almost 4 am and I'm still awake. This sucks.

sorry I haven't posted.

I am sick!

OK, I feel like complete crap and I know now there is something physically wrong with me. I'm not sleeping right, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, I'm achy and completely exhausted. And you know what, I think I've felt this way all along! Like, for years!

I suspect the only reason I know I feel this bad now is because I had that period after the gallbladder flush where I did *NOT* feel this way.

I just feel nasty and I refuse to believe this is all in my head and that I am afraid to get better or whatever. I do believe it has something to do with my liver... So I'm still doing that one-day detox. I realized I'm going to be out of town next weekend so I can't do the detox then, I'll do it next Monday instead. So my seven days of pre-detox starts today.

The only hard part of the pre-detox is no caffeine... yikes! I'm so tired.

back to detox

So I'm going to try to do some more detoxing... I felt so incredible after that first liver/gallbladder flush, and I feel so shitty in comparison. I have no doubt my whole digestive system is fucked up, and I think cleaning my liver is the key.

I bought a book called Fast Track Detox by Ann Louise Gittleman, who wrote the Fat Flush Plan. I wanted to buy that one but it was twice as expensive (hard cover) and I am broke for a few more days until payday. I figured I might as well start with the one-day plan.

It's a one-day detox but you have to do seven days of preparation first, where you eat foods that help your liver and colon. Broccoli, apples, citrus, flaxseed oil etc. No milk or alcohol which shouldn't be too hard, but no caffeine either. I've been enjoying coffee in the morning but I'll have to give it up. I'm starting tomorrow. I feel like crap!!!!

Anyway, I'm reading the book and it's fascinating. She talks about how the foods we eat have been so screwed up with added chemicals and hormones that our bodies' internal weight management system is out of balance and causes us to overeat and always feel hungry... exactly what I suspect is going on with me. Everybody go buy this book!!! Or at least go to the bookstore and sit down and read it.

I'll report back in the next week about how it goes. Lots of love...

still feel like crud

I think I'm getting my period. I can't believe how low I feel. This sucks. My next $150 goes to refilling my Seasonale prescription. Fuck this!!!

frustration...

I'm overeating and purging and I don't know why... I'm not really bingeing, just overeating at mealtime. What is going on? What's wrong with me? God I suck.

when it's time to change, you've got to rearrange...

...move your heart to what you're gonna be!

I'm thinking I need to change this blog a bit. I feel like I've moved past the day-to-day bulimia struggle and my new efforts are on healing my body through nutrition and fitness. I think I need a new design for this site.

Of course I'm still not cured, but I feel much different. All my slipups are caused by not eating or eating processed foods. By the way I also tried soda for the first time since Christmas - I could not even finish a small glass! It tasted like poisoned syrup.

Speaking of nasty, last week I tried to do the apple juice fast again. I did three days of only apple juice but each day I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup for dinner because I was starving. Anyway, when it came time to drink the oil on the third night, I couldn't do it! I started drinking it and immediately threw it up! I think it reminded me of how disgusting I felt after I drank it last time. Luckily I was in the kitchen and next to the sink. I guess the fast is a one-time thing because I'm sure I can never get pure olive oil down again. Yuck!

My next thought is to do a small intestine cleanse. I read about this product, Okra-Pepsin-E3, and how it cleans the junk stuck to your intestinal walls that may be preventing nutrients from being absorbed.

Here is a link to the article: Cleansing The Small Intestine

Hope you're all welling!

love
Mandy

this is still hard

I realize I got caught up into thinking I was "cured" and "fixed." Maybe I will never be fixed. It really did get much easier... but this apple juice fast is hard!!! I'm starving! I want Chinese food so badly!

It was much easier the first time, probably because I was laying around the house (because of my back) and not doing much physically. Now I'm running around and I feel like I am going to faint. Maybe I should start tomorrow? See that is the crap in my head.

You have to read this article about procrastination... it's totally me:

I impulsively procrastinate

OK I'm going to drink the rest of this apple juice and if I still feel dizzy I'll get some real food.

Wow, still welling.

Sorry I haven't posted lately. The past few weeks have been really exciting... There has been no up and down, it's just been "normal" which is anything but normal for me. I've been feeling fantastic, but not quite as fantastic as before my Christmas junk-food marathon. Today was not a good day. I distinctly felt like "how I did before." It was a physical feeling. So I've decided to do another gallbladder flush... they say you should do a few to get all your gallstones out.

I've started working a bit on my book, jotting down ideas. Mostly I'm trying to think of things that I wish I had known a long time ago. I've never been more convinced that bingeing/bulimia is a result of a physical state the brain/body is in. I wish someone had told me that.

I'm thinking of changing this site a bit and making it more of a portal for information about bulimia and scientific studies and all that... Here is an interesting one:

Bulimia Tied to Sex Hormone

I hope you all are welling! :-D

no guilt...

it's funny, I don't feel any guilt for eating like crap the past few days. I know it won't continue when I get home. I don't WANT to eat junk food... my body just wants it because it's what I've been eating and it's what's available to me!

If I go home and immediately start eating better, maybe I don't really have any emotional attachment to food. I was eating compulsively because I was craving food because I was undernourished (because I had been eating junk to begin with).

I'm going to skip all the way to the health food store. Yippee!!!!

yuck yuck yuck

I've been eating junk food and I can't believe how nasty I felt. I went from having quite a bit of energy on Saturday to being dead and sluggish on Sunday with a terrible headache. I felt tired, cranky and constantly wishing I could take a nap. Not only that, instead of wanting less junk food, I wanted more! The more you eat it, the more you PHYSICALLY need it.

It's really interesting looking at this from a physical logical standpoint instead of an emotional one. I can see the necessity behind the binges now. Wow.

I can't wait to get out of here... It's really hard being around all this junk food. But at the same time, it's reinforcing my theories.

four more days and I go home!

Happy Birthday to me! (plus Chernobyl pee)

wow, yesterday this blog turned ONE YEAR OLD!!!!! I started it on a whim on Dec. 22, 2005. I can't believe how time has flown by... and fortunately I finally am moving ahead.

I'm still doing great! I cannot believe how much energy I have and how easy it has been to go to sleep and wake up. Unfortunately the last few days have been hectic... I've been snacking on lots of chocolate and other treats. (Still no soda, though!) But I've noticed myself feeling kind of crappy and nauseous. And not only that, the more junk I eat the more I crave it. Right now I'm at the airport and I just ate at Sbarro... yuck! I did have some steamed vegetables to go with the pizza, but still, I feel so sick! I WANT MY ORGANIC SOUP!!!! Oh I dropped some hints and got a gift certificate for the local health food store from my boss for $75! Yay!!!!!! I'm so stoked.

Ok so I cannot get this book idea out of my head. I have a lot of ideas. The first part is to write it of course, duh. But does anyone have any experience with the publishing industry?

So I started taking a daily vitamin a few days ago, and my pee is radioactive yellow. It freaked me out at first but I googled it and it's because of the vitamin B2.

Oh also someone gave me a really cool pedometer they weren't using... It's really nice and automatically resets at midnight, plus it remembers the past five days. Today I've had 6,287 so far. I've been trying to get to 10,000... yesterday I was close, 9486!!

it's suddenly hard to blog...

I'm so welling. (I meant to write "I'm doing so well" just now, but it came out as "I'm so welling." I like that expression so I'll keep it.) But I've been avoiding blogging and I realized it's because I'm so afraid it will all go poof and disapppear and I'll be back where I was, stuck, driving in circles with no way out.

This is what I'm afraid to write, lest it go away: I'm getting better. Bulimia is leaving me and this time it is for real. I am finally physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and nutritionally able to let it go.

Holy shit. My heart is pounding just writing those words.

The thing is, I'm not on a "perfect" streak either. You know, when you're fresh out of the gate on a new diet and you're doing fantastic and sticking to it to the letter... I'm just kind of trying things. I've had a few cookies at the office, a piece of fudge at the mall. But it was all very small amounts. See I have been eating so well and often that I'm never hungry. Before, I would be starving and as soon as I tasted one piece of chocolate, I would need to eat everything around me. I've even binged and purged a couple times, and it was not the same. It didn't feel right. I thought about why it happened and it was pretty easy to figure out. The first time, I let myself go too long without food, and the second time, because I had no other plans and I got caught up in the excitement of it. The next day was the same thing, I had no plans, so I made plans to go to the movies... by myself!! Since I had that to look forward to, I had no desire to think about food.

How am I doing this? For the first time in almost 20 years, I am not on a diet.
I'm eating whenever I want. I am never letting myself get to the point where I'm starving, and it's not because I've been eating a lot. It is the quality of the food and not the quantity I've been eating. I am not drinking diet soda, I am not eating fat-free pudding or low-fat yogurt. No more products with aspartame or artificial whatever. I'm telling you, it's poisonous. I'm eating organic food and it tastes good. I stopped drinking top water - I'm even using filtered water to make noodles and rice.

I can fall asleep at night at a normal time. When I get up in the morning, I don't have to drag myself out of bed. Even if I happened to stay up late the night before, I can STILL get up. Of course I want to stay in bed, but I do get up like a normal person. Before, I would be so dead in the morning it was like I couldn't physically get up. I have so much energy throughout the day. I WANT to do things.

I don't even know how to explain it except I'm happy. And the thing is what I did is so simple and easy. Stop dieting. I am more convinced than ever that bulimia is a PHYSICAL disorder and not a mental "problem." Yes, mental problems and learned behavior accompany it. However, simply willing myself to stop and "change" is as impossible as willing myself to fly.

I am sorry I have felt so bad about myself for so many years because I am a great person. For so long I have felt like a complete loser. I was guilty and ashamed and that is no longer the case. Is it possible I found a "cure"? I don't know that what is working for me will work for everyone. Is it possible this advice is already out there and I just ignored it? I swear, nobody ever explained it to me in a way that made sense.

I hope that, wherever you are, you are all welling too. But if you're not, please know that you are physically sick, and for this you have no reason to be ashamed. Stand up, keep trying and find your own cure.

aspartame can kiss my ass

Sorry I haven't updated lately... I'll write a longer post tomorrow!

Anyway I'm doing really well... holy shit, REALLY well! I think I owe it all to going organic. I can honestly say I never, ever want to taste Diet Coke again. The thought of having anything with ASSpartame makes me sick. I haven't been perfect but it's been surprisingly easy. I'll write all the details later.

To those who asked about the cleanse, google "gallbladder flush" or "liver cleanse" and you'll get lots of info about how to do it. Some cleanses are longer than others - I chose one that was shorter, because I figured it would be easier to stick to. You can find it here: Gallbladder Cleanse

I'm actually thinking of doing it again in a week. They say it takes a couple times to get all of them out. Even though drinking that oil was nasty, it is definitely worth it.

I need to go to sleep now. I have been doing fantastic with my sleep. I actually sleep like a normal person. Part of me is afraid this won't last, but I have never felt so optimistic about recovery as I do right now.

Ho ho ho... Green Giant

OK despite all the disgustingness of drinking that nasty half cup of olive oil (oh my stomach still curdles remembering!), it was evidentally worth it. Today I got a visit from what looked like peas floating in the toilet! They are of different sizes and shapes but most are the size of one or two peas, except for one that was the size of a large marble! Ewww. They are all green, which apparantly indicates a healthy liver, while black ones mean the liver is sick.

I thought about saving them to take a pic but it was just too nasty. (In response to Michelle's comment, let me remind you these are not kidney stones... the place the stones come from is identical on men and women!). So you will just have to trust me that this cleanse works. If any of you have suffered pain in your right side after eating, try it.

I heard of a suggestion that you should think of three good things that happened every day, so I am trying to do that each night. It really has made me smile to remember and it is not hard to think of things, even when I'm just staying at home and resting. Yay to the power of positive thinking.

eww eww eww eww (repeat 1000 times)

I think I've finally found a way to permanently ruin my appetite. Like I mentioned I am doing this gallbladder cleanse, and I made it through three days of drinking just apple juice and water. Tonight (the third night) I had to drink a half cup of pure olive oil. Oh god just remembering makes me nauseous... Plus I still taste the olive oil. It was so disgusting, oh so nasty. I calculated it and it is more than 100 grams of fat!!!!!! Barf. Then I had to follow it with a 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice (that actually tasted good at first but ewww too) and then go to bed and lay on my right side for 5 hours. I have to put a pillow under my hips to slant so it's impossible to sleep. Also I feel totally gross and nauseous.

All I have to say is I had better see results tomorrow! If you want to see what gallstones look like, here is a link to the page of the cleanse I did with photos.

Yesterday's blog got a good comment from Lee, about my body being out of whack:

it occurred to me that your body (and brain) are trying to tell you something's out-of-wack nutritionally. The more I read of your posts, the less inclined I am toward believing this is strictly an ED issue. This sounds less like an inability to control your food intake and more as if a part of your brain literally believes you are starving.

This is a really good point, and something I've heard before, but now that I want to get better I really need to address it. Just as I've been pampering my back lately, I need to pamper my body nutritionally...

PS eww gross eww gross eww gross

Detox rocks

So I'm taking the next week off to rest my back. I started resting on Wednesday and it's already much better! I have hardly any pain, except when I drove to the store. I think with a few more days it will really heal.

So while I am off my feet I decided to do this thing called a gallbladder flush. Remember how I had recurring stomach pains and had to go on that BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast)? Anyway for this flush for three days you drink nothing but organic apple juice and distilled water (up to one gallon of both each day). Then on the evening of the third day you drink some oil and some lemon juice and lay on your right side.

Anyway I started that yesterday and it's been going alright. I had to go to the health food store for the real apple juice. I noticed the food seems to be higher quality, and I spent a lot more time looking at everything. Also the store is close enough that I can walk to it if I only need a few things.

I googled "organic" and "eating disorder" and came up with something interesting:

A 1993 study, published in Biological Psychiatry by Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Northeastern Ohio Universities College of Medicine, Ralph G. Walton, M.D. shows: "Administration of this substance [aspartame], has also been associated with aggression and bingeing." An evolving view in modern psychiatry is that although depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, impulse control disorders and eating disorders have been viewed as separate entities, they should be viewed as a continuum of disorders - all involving some degree of dysregulation of serotonin. "I believe there is overwhelming evidence that aspartame contributes to this dysregulation," said Dr. Walton.

I looked up asparatame and it seems to be quite nasty. Unfortunately is in my most favorite drinks, Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Coke.

So it got me to thinking... what if all my food is full of poisons and my depression is related? I've decided to try to shop for organic food only and avoid Walmart at all costs except for bulk items like paper towels etc. It's worth a shot...

Everything happens for a reason

I really do believe that.

I think this back injury happened to force me to wake up and realize how I (mis)treat my body. I abuse the shit out of it so it makes sense that something, somewhere is going to go wrong.

I've also learned from my inability to cope with the situation. I can barely keep it together under normal conditions because my eating disorder is such an attention whore. I keep it together, barely. But add one more major stressor and it's total meltdown.

I've also learned that with some of my friends, I was trying to "fit" them. I need to find friends who fit me - fortunately I do have a few, and today I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to have them.

It makes me feel both good and sad to read the comments I get here... when people write to say they identify with me. That feels good, like there is someone out there holding my hand even I can't see them. But it makes me sad to know that just like me, they are another person lost and suffering on their own.

And then I get mad and I think, we have to change this. We have to make it so people know bulimia is not a sentence they've been forced to serve for a crime they may or may not have committed. Bulimia and depression are not personality defects, or a sign of a bad or weak person. I hate it when people make me feel like that. Fuck them.

And then I realize that I like to feel that anger, that pissed off feeling that is not guilt. It means there is still a fighter inside me, a tough person who still can turn this thing around whenever she is ready.

I want to get better and I want to take you all with me.

still depressed

...so depressed I don't have the creativity to think of something clever as a title. I have no energy. It took me days just to write this entry.

I've been completely immobile because my back is still sprained, plus now I'm having problems with my hips. It hurts to walk.

I wish I could run and exercise. I can't believe how much I took my health for granted.

...still bingeing and purging of course because it gets my endorphins up, at least temporarily.

I'm not exactly sad, just depressed. I don't really care about much of anything. I wish I could cry but I'm taking too much Prozac, though it's not really working well.

I have more to write and explain but I'm done typing now.