Moving forward

My birthday is in a few days. 32 years old. Wow. I'm so old.

There is one good thing about getting older. I'm getting more mature. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I feel like doing the things I didn't do before.

I'm finally taking care of my bills and my credit and doing an actual budget. This is a huge step for me because it was one of the most irresponsible and immature parts of my life - always living like only today mattered.

I finally feel like I want to be a grownup. For so long I used to always wish I could be a kid again, I wished I could go back in time and "start over." But my life is really not so bad. In fact I have a lot to be grateful for.

I feel, more than I have in the past, that I am ready to move on from an eating disorder. It doesn't fit me anymore. The problem is that it is very ingrained in who I am in my habits. The last time I didn't have any kind of eating problem, I was abiout 7 years old.

I really feel calmer and less anxious about who I am. Happy Bithrday to me.

what is the deal

I'm growing up. I've made a few smart decisions this week and suddenly I feel much older and wiser.

it's soooo late, I can barely keep my eyes open or think straight, but I just feel so positive and wanted to post. My life is pretty good if I let it be.

I am realizing that the things I do because they are easy - procrastinate, be a slob, avoid studying or paying bills, not to mention binge and purge - are no longer "working" for me. I say "working" because they are self-destructive habits that I subconsciously employ for some purpose. Well they are no longer serving their purpose. Fuckers.

time to catch some zzzzs. I don't know why but I feel lucky, despite my problems. I am really pretty cool.

juiced

I think I'm going to do a juice fast... I feel like crap after eating so much crap. I guess I will do my standard apple juice fast for three days. I just feel nasty right now. I need to stop drinking all sugar and soda again. It's just poison. I only drink diet soda but I think it is even more poisonous. Aspartame is evil.

I'm kind of nervous because I hurt my back a little somehow. Maybe I just slept on it wrong. It feels like muscle pain...

I'm really serious about the Lap-Band. I'm trying to get everything arranged so I can apply for a loan. I still have about $1,500 in bills to pay off from my back surgery. Did I mention how much I hate insurance?

love to everybody

amazing what one little pill can do...

well four of them anyway.

After this terrible weekend of out of control eating, I took Prozac again for the first time in a week or so, full dose. Within 24 hours everything was "normal" - I had no desire to binge or stuff myself with food. Out of habit I ate much but it didn't quite work in that it wasn't that exciting. There was no binge high, and it was like what is the point of ever doing this?

I say everything was "normal" in quotes because it was so dramatically different than the previous few days... All I wanted to doing was binge on food and play with myself! Hah! But almost overnight I had no interest. I only had kind of an anxious feeling because I felt like I didn't have anything to do.

I've probably explained this all before but Prozac doesn't last long term for me. It stops working for me after awhile... the term the doctor told me is Prozac Poopout. It will just stop working - that is why I'm at the maximum dose because now the minimum amount has no effect whatsoever. After it stops working, to get the full effect again I have to stop taking it for awhile, let it leave my system and then start again. And it works. Dramatically. It's basically a cure, I don't know how else I could explain how drastically it changed my desires and behaviors. Obviously the food obsession and horniness are serotonin related and the Prozac stops both. This has to prove it is a medical problem with my brain, if a pill changes it.

What am I supposed to do?

can't stop eating, what else is new

I can't stop eating... I'm constantly hungry.

I think I will soon be 300 lbs. Someone shoot me (or harpoon me).

Of course I haven't been taking the Prozac to control the hunger. I hate this disease or disorder or whatever you want to call it.

this shit blows

Oh wait, there is something new under the sun. Well not really... I drank tonight and last night! I usually never drink. I don't really like it. Doesn't do much for me. But last night and tonight I purposely drank more to get drunk. I was just thinking how socially acceptable it is to be an alcoholic. Well not acceptable but how common versus people with eating disorders. Aren't they kind of the same?

Stuck halfway up the mountain

Why do I think the Lap-Band will take all my problems away? I guess I am tired of being hungry all the time.

I really am hungry all the time. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my stomach hurts so much from the hunger. That can't be normal. It's like the fatter I get, the more my body needs to eat to feed each fat cell. Fuck you fat cells.

My foot is better in the boot. It doesn't hurt at all no matter how much I walk. Without it I can't walk without limping. It's a stress fracture by the way and not a clean break like the urgent care doctor said. I guess I will start riding the bike again.

I am a bit tipsy. I had two alcoholic drinks tonight with friends. Drinking makes me sad. What is that they say, it is heartbreaking to love so someone you can't be with who is far from you, but even more heartbreaking to love someone right next to you that you can't be with? Well if they don't say that, they should say something like that because it's true.

nite nite

One step forward, two steps back

I've been doing well lately with eating, thanks to the Prozac. However I haven't been exercising over the past few weeks because my left foot has really been hurting... well guess what - it's fractured!!!!

I didn't do anything to it either except walk on it a lot. Actually my right foot starting hurting a lot, and so I was limping a lot onto my left foot, and then my left foot really starting hurting. It swelled up so I got it x-rayed and it's a clean fracture. So now I am limping again on my right foot and it's really hurting again too! Can you imagine if I have two broken feet?

And it's all because I'm so overweight. I'm sure of it. What else would cause it? It makes me so furious. I'm stuck at this weight. How am I supposed to exercise now?

I am almost crying writing this and I almost never cry, especially on the Prozac. This situation is just becoming hopeless. I need weight loss surgery and I know it would be successful, but my insurance refuses to pay for it and I don't have money either.

I don't know what to do.

This just in: Change is hard

Well I am improving but it's not quite as easy as I imagine it will be. After exercising the first few days last week I didn't do anything! I ate OK I suppose but I've had a few slipups. I know it's time to change and I've got to rearrange and move my heart to what I'm gonna be (sha na na na na na na, sha na na na na na!) but it's SO damn hard.

My sleep is still beyond fucked up. That is really hurting my weight loss, I know. If you don't sleep enough or consistently your body can't metabolize worth shit. One person I know takes Lunesta and loves it. Yesterday (Monday) I slept till 5 p.m. 5! I was awake until about 4 a.m. I think... so I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm drinking a bunch of Diet Mountain Dew right now to try to make it through the day and then go to bed at a normal hour.

I'm really stressed about my weight. Nothing fits. I don't hate myself though. It's just shocking me when I see pictures. I don't know why, when I look in the mirror, I look half the size I really am. Only in photos can I see the real me and it's just AWFUL.

signed,
sad me

Yay for me

I exercised again on Tuesday - I walked and rode the bike. I also did 10 minutes on the elliptical, but my back didn't feel too good afterward and I think it could be from that. My back has been pain-free now for months so any kind of feeling there freaks me out a bit.

I will continue with walking. I also need to get some new shoes. Did I mention my shin splints? Oy vey.

I've been eating OK. The Prozac immediately kills my cravings when I go on it. Unfortunately it doesn't last.

I think I'm going to expand this site this summer. Make it more of a portal. What do you think?

exercised again!

Already I feel better and more upbeat emotionally. My feet are killing me with blisters... ouch.... and I have shin splints just from walking! I used to get them when I ran but now it's just from walking because I'm so out of shape. I have to stop every once in awhile because the pain is so bad.

Oh well despite that it's still enjoyable. I have a pretty good attitude about it because it's so nice to be able to exercise at all. My back is not hurting at all, knock on wood.

eating is already better too though I'm back on the Prozac and that is like 70 percent of eating well for me.

it begins AGAIN

Well here I go again: I'm starting today to eat healthy and exercise. This is probably my 10,000 attempt at this but what else can I do? I am massive, and I don't mean that in a delusional eating disorder view. I'm around 250 lbs. I've never been this big and it's scary. Not only is it scary how instantly I got this big when I stopped working out, but it's scary to be this size. Sometime just standing up and walking across the room leaves me winded. Ugh!!! That's what I'm talking about: scary.

So today I started walking. Actually on Saturday night I walked to the movies, which is 1.3 miles there and back. Today I walked to work, which is about 1 mile away. I'm already getting blisters. My back doesn't hurt at all, but my knees and feet do.

I feel like working out a LOT but it is frustrating how out of shape I am. Today I will also ride the bike.

I don't know how to feel. My size is very depressing. I saw a picture of myself and it was frightening how massive I am. I almost cried. But at the same time I'm hopeful because I have all summer to enjoy getting back into shape. I haven't been working out because I've had a second job (which involved sitting at the computer snacking) but now that's over for the summer and I have more time.

I also started taking Prozac again which I hope will help me stop bingeing.

I still want to get the Lap-Band by the way. But I think I need to lose 25-50 lbs on my own first, or else I will have really saggy skin. I really have a fat stomach and I never really had that before. It's awful.

you can only do your best

I haven't been doing my best... Why is it I keep forgetting that binging is a waste of time and harmful to my goal of losing weight? I keep excusing this behavior and saying I'll stop tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

just once I would like to do my best...

love to your all

tired and tired of it

I'm stuck

I can't stop eating

I'm getting fatter and fatter...

I think I have diabetes too. I've never been so fat, I've never been so unhealthy, I've never felt so sick.

Yet I still can't stop.

I was going to write I don't know how to stop but I guess that's not true. I've stopped before. You just have to do it. I just can't I guess. I guess the only thing to do is try again... try or die.

I exercised!!!!

Well I finally have some news to post. I haven't posted because I haven't really had any updates. Sorry for sucking.

The news is that I exercised! Really for the first time since my surgery... three months ago!!! Hah! Well I've tried walking and riding the bike before and it really hurt my back. The last time I tried riding the bike was about three weeks ago I think... I could only ride for about five minutes because it started really hurting. But today I rode the bike for one straight hour and it didn't hurt at all!!! Then I came home and cleaned a bunch, including shampooing the carpet. It hurt slightly but not much after that.

I don't know what to say. I feel like it's already been said.

I am massively fat... I've never been so fat. I'm still trying to get the Lap Band but in the meantime I've got to start moving. I feel like I'll never be able to lose this much weight. I know that is stupid, but it's just hard to start.

I love you all... hope you are doing fantastic.

What do you think it's like...

to have a life that does not revolve around your weight and food? What do those people think about?

I didn't post my bulimic hell yet. I will soon. It was truly terrible.

I have never been so fat in my life. I am just not me. I never look in the mirror... it's just awful. I want Lap-Band so badly. Does anyone have piles of money where you can help me get it? I can't believe my insurance "excludes" it... how convenient.

I am sorry for all of you out there who struggle and hurt. I wish I could erase this ridiculous demon from existence.

Bulimia hell

What do those two words mean to you? What is your definition of bulimia hell? Tell me and then I will post the situation that defines it for me.

To a girl who wrote me...

This is what I replied to a 17-year-old Australian girl who wrote me asking for help:

Please seek help as soon as you can... get away from bulimia. It will take over your life and get worse and worse. It is called an eating "disorder" for a reason. Your body will become more and more screwed up over time - your eating and sleeping habits will become completely bizarre, and it will be hard to break this.

Please talk to your doctor or nurse or psychiatrist.... I recommend going on Prozac - it helps a LOT with the desire to binge.

-----------------

I wonder if I should start an advice column? Maybe I should write myself anonymously and maybe I'll actually take my own advice?????

bulimia is a suite in hell

and I am checking out.

I am DONE, goodbye, farewell and fuck you, Mr. Eating Disorder.

Happy New Year to every one of you. May your 2008 be easy, breezy and pain free.

Love yourselves.

I haven't posted in 2 months.. yikes!

well a lot has happened! after ending up in the emergency room with the worst back spasms, we finally discovered that the problem with my back is not a sprain but a herniated disc!!! and it's a very bad one at that. I'm having surgery a week from tomorrow to fix it.

I think this will be a good start for me... I will be doing physical therapy after surgery. I think I will appreciate being able to work out once more.

I'm still feeling pretty depressed sometimes... I'm unhappy with quite a few things. I need to make a lot of changes in 2008.

I hope you are all doing better. I promise to update this thing more often!!!

Guess who's back (back again)

I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months. Yikes.

Well I've really been struggling. Time is flying by and I've been getting fatter and fatter. Life seemed hopeless.

So I decided to give the lap-band a second thought and I'm going to do it, even though I have to pay on my own ($15,000, which I have to borrow from my boss). First I will do a few months of therapy.

I've thought about this for a long time, in depth. I know it will help me because it will help me feel full. I know that for whatever reason, my stomach is signaling my brain that it is not full, and my brain is signaling me to eat.

I know this will be a controversial decision around here but this is what I'm planning to do. Everything else I have tried has not worked.