Mind of Mand-i-a

I got a nice blog comment yesterday about how I'm so funny. It's true... I'm hysterical. I wish I had more friends who appreciated my sense of humor. Cuz gosh darn it, I'm funny.

I have a hard time being quiet in class... still. Growing up, I remember one kid used to tell me for years that I would end up a comedian. Other kids used to tell me to shut up. If you weren't popular, you weren't allowed to be a class clown. They didn't want to see you or hear you.

I'm watching X-Files. That show is awesome. I would like to have a standing list on this site of things that are officially deemed awesome.

I'm going to write that I've been tentatively doing great the past few days. As soon as I went back on the Prozac and Seasonable, it's been a huge improvement. I'm still hungry a lot but it's not a desire to binge.

One of my favorite lines from my favorite musician is "If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." I feel like I can use my writing to explore bulimia, not just mine but it as a whole.

My birthday is in a week. I will have to change the "about" thing to say I am 30. How can I be 30? That doesn't make sense. Me being 30 is freakier than any X-Files premise.

P.S. The most awesome thing of all may be hot men with English accents. I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 finally. Too bad you can't go to the concession stand and order a small popcorn, medium Diet Coke and a large dildo. Holy hell! Hot hot hot! I shall write a Shakespearian sonnet about how Orlando and I should get it on 500 times. Get thee to Mandy!

pot of gold at the end of the (reading) rainbow

I started reading "Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery" by Lindsey Hall & Leigh Cohn again. It is the only book about bulimia I've ever read that actually makes sense. I got it about two years ago.

Anyway I just started reading it again... In the back there is a two-week guide to stop bingeing. The whole idea fills me with immediate... FEAR. I just can't imagine giving up bulimia. I mean, say it's gone and I don't have an eating disorder. What the fuck will I do then? Who will I be then?

I still want to binge. I'm so bored. I guess I will just sit here and read and have more deep thoughts.

Little Miss Bulimic

I started school this past week.... I think it will be a good semester. I am really excited about my classes because they are pretty interesting. I've still been compulsively bingeing/purging. I am so fat, 205. I feel terrible. I look like such a slob, always wearing t-shirts and sweats. I was walking across campus this morning and I just felt terrible about myself. As in, don't I have any pride in my appearance? In taking care of myself? I hope the weather will cool down soon and I'll feel like going for walks at night. I always do my best thinking and head-clearing when I walk. It's been so hot, like 95 degrees at 11:00 p.m.

Tonight I went to see a great movie, Little Miss Sunshine. It was so simple and yet so funny and uplifting... Everybody go see it!

I will post again soon... more deep thoughts from Jack Mandy.

I'm kinda doing better

Well I got my period, and the storm has passed. It was terrible the past few days... no matter how much I ate, I couldn't be full. I absolutely cannnot live without Seasonale... it's just so freaking expensive!!!

I had a lot of interesting thoughts... but I'm too tired to remember them now. I'll post again tomorrow.

I'm sucking

I'm really doing badly. I am dreaming of a treatment center. There is a really good one about two hours away.

My head hurts.

Prozac nation

I've come to realize recently that I'm not taking the Prozac as consistently as I should be. I usually take it like every other day and not the same time every day. So I've recommitted to taking it every night. However I was chatting with Beth (who kicks ass by the way) and she was telling me about Cymbalta... so I googled Cymbalta and bulimia and found this super awesome site:

Remedy Find: Bulimia

Everybody go on there and talk about what works for you and what doesn't work for you! We need to help each other out with our first hand experiences because let's face it, what the doctors do is pretty much trial and error.

I did a real work out today at the gym for the first time in a long time... 20 min on the eliptical machine. Awesome! Then I came home and cleaned. Awesome! I ate a healthy and satisfying dinner. Awesome! Then I cooked about 100 lbs of this macaroni, chili and spaghetti sauce concoction. I suck at life! Seriously lately it's like I cannot feel full until I've binged and purged repeatedly. The more I try to get better, the worse I get. Maybe it's like quicksand... struggle and you sink faster, stop struggling and you'll float to the surface.

For my birthday, I would like an all-expense paid stay at a treatment facility. I wonder if they have ones where you can bring your pets? They should make a Carnival cruise ship for ED recovery. You don't get off the boat until you're better. That would kick ass.

Anyway I'm thinking I'm going to look into Cymbalta. The thing about Prozac is that it works great at first and then it stops working. I don't understand this. Is Cymbalta better? Ugh a new medication... I feel like such a freak.

Thanks for the supportive messages... it means so much to me.

I'm stuck, stuck, stuck!

I started working out again and I'm trying to do everything right. I'm eating regularly and not letting myself starve.

But at the same time I can't stop bingeing... I don't know why. The more I try not to the more I do it.

I'm so tired of this. I keep waiting to snap out of it but I never do.

crunch time

sorry I haven't been posting... it's the last week of my summer school course and I'm working triple overtime to pass it. I've been awake forever and a year.

I keep thinking about my book, my purpose and all that. I am still serious about it. I need to write a book for myself, even if it sucks ass and never gets published.

My broken is brain.

it's time for a big fat freak out

I decided to weigh myself this morning just to check. 203... 203... 203... What the hell? I have not been over 200 in like three years.

I want to work out so much but I have absolutely no energy... this heat wave is killing me!!! It's like 110 every day. It's 90 even at midnight.

Not only that but the person staying with me left to go home this morning. She was just here visiting for a few months. Now I am living by myself again which means I will be BORED and LONELY and I will COOK and BAKE and BINGE and PURGE in a never ending cycle of wasted time and money.

I don't know what to do. I'm so exhausted.

bulimia is good... at ruining your life

I saw that you've had bulimia for quite awhile. Have you had any really bad side effects?

To answer this question, I've decided to do a rundown of what bulimia does to your body as found on www.helpguide.org and whether or not I've experienced it. Actually these are called complications and not side effects.

* an imbalance in electrolytes...CHECK
* inflammation of the esophagus, salivary glands, and jaw...CHECK
* problems with teeth, gums, and lips...CHECK
* chronic irregular bowel movements due to abusive laxatives...NO
* feelings of shame and guilt...CHECK
* depression...CHECK
* low self-esteem...CHECK
* damaged family and social relationships...CHECK

I've had all of these except for the laxative ones b/c I've never abused those.

Would you like to see my teeth? I can probably spit them out and mail them to you. I don't have dental insurance and can't afford to see a dentist.

flavored water rocks my socks off!!!

Have you tried any fruit-flavored waters? They are SOOOO yummy! I am hooked on Dasani Raspberry. The weather resembles the surface of the sun and I'm REALLY trying to avoid diet soda in the afternoons... and I don't like drinking regular water when I'm not working out or eating. I'm so glad modern technology allows them to flavor water in this excellent manner. It's so COLD and refreshing and takes away my thirsties!

It also has ZERO calories which means it's probably full of something that will cause cancer. You'd think it would have like, 5 calories. However, my thirst is quenched and I'm not up all night.

Anyway I'm having a good week. I've had two good days of eating. I wish it were cooler so I could at least go for a walk, but it's seriously an oven out, even at midnight.

I'm sleepy... and it's only 12:15 am! yay for caffeine-free afternoons!

I've decided to come out of the closet

No I'm not gay (though that would probably be easier to admit on national television). I've been invited on a talk show to talk about being bulimic. I hesitated for about 10 seconds and then I decided to go for it! What the hell, why not? Most people around me either know I have some sort of eating problem (or suspect it) anyway.

The show is called the Dr. Keith Ablow show and it is coming out in syndication this fall. I haven't spoken with him yet but I've heard and read positive things about him. Unlike Dr. Phil, he is a real psychiatrist. He is interested in helping people and not putting on a freak show. I did an interview with someone else at the show about my life story. I have a feeling that this could definitely be a turning point in my life (if I allow it).

I was contacted about this by Michelle Hope, who some of you may know from her blog. She is trying to find other people willing to go on the show with us. Is anyone else out there interested in going on the show? We need more people to make it happen.

Personally, I'm tired of hiding and being ashamed and feeling alone in this. There are millions of strugglers yet we all feel alone. How can this be? It's because we're all hiding in our own closets, where nobody can see what we do and judge us, but also nobody can reach in and help us either.

We need to come out in the open. Think of the famous people who have had the balls to come out and admit their bulimia. Princess Diana, Paula Abdul, Felicity Huffman, Elton John and most recently Katharine McPhee from American Idol. They are 100,000 times more in the public eye than any of us, and this admission hardly ruined them.

Remember how I talked about needing courage and not strength to recover? We need to be courageous in our fight to escape this disorder.

Contact me or Michelle Hope if you want to be on the show or at least are considering it.

Dr. Keith Ablow Show

Vive la revolución!!!

hello children!

So I was thinking today about how I always beat myself up for not having the strength and willpower to stop eating, to get better and to basically do the things I want to do. Maybe it's not that I can't find the strength inside myself. Maybe what I really need is the courage to move forward. So it's not that I can't do it, but that I am just stalling, too afraid. Have I thought this all before? Sometimes I think I am plagiarizing from myself.

Anyway it reminds me of one of my very favorites South Park episodes... titled, "You Got Fucked in the Ass!" when Chef informs the dance crew that they suck.

You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. Wait a minute... you have the soul, but you don't have the heart. Hold on a second... you have both the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent.

I'm still looking for more answers as to HOW (see my last post) if anyone has any.

so what's next

I just don't know what to do next. I've searched inside myself, I know who I am and who I want to be, blah blah, and I'm ready to change my life. But I don't know HOW. Maybe it's not so complicated? Is there a list of instructions on what to do next, or is it just "Next Step: Change and live happily ever after."

If anyone has any pointers about where to go from here, I'd like to hear them. I'm so dreadfully stuck, like Winnie the Pooh in the door to Rabbit's house.

the darkness

I've been having a really hard time holding on lately, but my mind never stops. I'm always forced to examine and reexamine myself. It's a hard time because what I want for myself is not necessarily what others want or expect of me. In fact I've been realizing lately that nobody even knows me or what I'm really like. I pour my heart out onto these pages for Internet strangers to read. My real-life "friends" either don't have time for me or more likely, don't care to know the real me, this me. People want to hear how everything is great. Have you noticed that people will come up to you and say, "So how's your dying grandma/cousin/gardener/gardener's grandma's cousin/etc doing?" but they won't ask, "So how are you doing with your eating disorder?" People like to hear that everything is fine. Well fuck those people.

I've been thinking about who I am and how 2006 Me is not the same person as 2002 Me, which was the last time I made a big change in my life. That girl thought her future was set. But 2006 Me needs more from her future. I have goals that I now don't just WANT to accomplish, but that I NEED to accomplish. I was meant to accomplish them. Those new dreams are replacing old dreams. It is very hard and sad to say goodbye to dreams that (like that pair of size 8 Gap jeans I bought on sale) never fit me.

I love these lyrics - from Pacing the Cage by Jimmy Buffett

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend

more later...

I am not hungry

but I want to binge. I want to go to 7-11 and buy up as many of their donuts as possible, even though they probably have been sitting out for nearly a day now.

But I'm not going to... at least not this one time. I made myself ask, how much will be enough? and there isn't an answer. Even every donut left at every 7-11 in a 10 mile radius won't be enough - I'd still be hungry (emotionally).

I'm cooking a Healthy Choice dinner instead because I think I am actually a bit hungry. It's about 250 calories.

I am so lonely and bored. Did I mention this lately?

I'm so depressed

I'm going for a walk now.

I feel like I have a broken heart... for no real reason.

thanks for the feedback

I love getting messages from blog readers. You guys have the best perspective and understand so much more than the people I know in person... I really need to start an ED support group.

Why do I feel like such a loser because I can't "stop" eating? It is what goes through my head all day long: "how can I stop eating... why can't I stop eating... what if I could just stop eating... I need to stop eating." I ignore the voice and overeat to rebel, and the voice gets louder. Yet I don't listen to the voice... only let it berate me. I know it's stupid and impossible but I still do it.

Tonight I went for a walk. It wasn't very long, just about 25 minutes. It didn't lift me up but made me tired. I should try to go every night. I saw fireflies tonight :-)

time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping... into the future

It's another new month. Looking back I don't know if I'm even a teensiest bit better than when I started this blog. I'm different, older and wiser, but am I better?

I went to Borders tonight. There sure are a lot of books out there. It really got me thinking how I need to write my book. I have to get better first.

It's a few months until my birthday. 30. I am really feeling stressed about it and what that will mean. I think this is going to be a very hard summer.

PS I'm lonely

I didn't mean to sound like a brat

...or that I was saying looks were the only thing that matter to me. Of course that's not true at all!

I had a pretty good day today. I was not very hungry. I really thought to myself: what I will accomplish by bingeing, and more specifically, what will it take to make me satisfied? How much is enough? The answer is that it's never enough. There's always more food to be eaten. I can eat nonstop for the rest of my life and there will still be more food.

I cannot sleep. I am so stressed out... well, I will blog more later. Thank you for all the support. I am so happy people like to read my thoughts.