this sucks

I'm doing terrible.

I hurt my back again really badly and this time I can barely walk. I'm really becoming depressed.

I am gaining about 2-3 lbs per week, no lie. I now weigh 213!!! Ahhh! Maybe I could have weight loss surgery.

I'm so depressed........ I'm taking my medication but still I feel very depressed.

a tad mad and sad... but mostly glad

So anyway I wanted to bring up how on Tuesday I had a meeting with my boss about all this stuff that was going on (aka my wanting to quit, lack of motivation, etc). I had felt much better anyway because I had slept it all off Monday night and had decided to change my attitude before I talked with him anyway.

Anyway he basically told me that nobody at work likes me anymore! He said "everybody used to like you, in fact everybody who meets you likes you a lot at first, but then they start to resent you" because I miss too much work and sleep too much. Can you believe that? I was pretty shocked to hear that but I've been thinking about it the past few days.

And you know what? FUCK THEM! Fuck them up the ass with cactus plants. I seriously don't even WORK with most of them. It's a small company so they know if I'm not there, but if I didn't go to work for a month straight it would have no effect on their work load, their hours, their pay, etc. Our jobs are totally different and require completely different skills. Additionally, their work is mostly manual labor and requires little to no education or training. I could learn to do what they do in one day. In fact, people learn it in one day. My job involves about 500 skills requiring research, technology and software knowledge and they could never learn how to do it in 10 years. Also, they get paid by the hour, and I know for a fact that they screw around instead of working and fudge their time cards.

Anyway that's not the point. The point is, my boss is the only one I really need to worry about liking me and feel bad about disappointing. He understands my situation, he knows about my bulimia and depression and is endlessly patient. I feel bad about letting him down for so long and I have. However I don't owe my coworkers (I'm talking about the ones I don't actually work with) jack shit.

I used to really care what these people though because some of them I thought were my friends. However, I think they have shown themselves to be not true friends. Seriously, who am I hurting by living a depressed and disordered life? ME! I am literally killing myself. And they are resentful? Give me a fucking break. Talk about petty.

The point is... there are people in life who are your true friends. One day when I am better, and I WILL get better, I will be able to thank a few people for standing by me and supporting me through it all. My boss for one.

As I was sitting here thinking about all these people, I felt such a feeling of happiness come over me. I realized that despite the petty people, I have a group of people who do NOT make me feel like crap. They know me and my shortcomings, and even if I drive them crazy or disappoint them, they still make me feel good when I am around them. I am so grateful for that and these people. It feels me with warmth.


But the main thing to realize is... you don't owe anyone anything! You owe it all to yourself first. The whole world is out living their lives and even if people are disappointed in you or worried by your behavior, you shouldn't care if you are not worried about YOURSELF. Bulimia is caused by and thrives on low self-esteem. It is the epitome of low self-esteem to be worrying about other people's thoughts and feelings about how you abuse yourself physically and mentally. Think about that for awhile - it's ludicrous!

Anyway I don't care anymore about those fucktards and it feels so good. And at the same time, it does make me see how there are people who DO have a right to complain about my not working hard, e.g., the people I actually work with. I feel bad about that and want to try to make amends.

I need to write a book. Do you guys think any of this stuff I spew is actually helpful? It's helpful to me at least.

break on through

I didn't sleep at all on Sunday night and was super stressed out all day Monday. You know when you're sleep deprived and it's kind of like a dream? I was really mad and resentful... but the weirdest thing happened. I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling fantastic. All my anger was gone and I didn't care anymore! It was like everything came into focus. I see now I was stubbornly refusing to fix my problems and change. Changing my life was absolutely not going to happen. Now I feel like like it is absolutely not NOT going to happen!

I was spending so much time thinking about what people think about me and being accepted... being good enough. And resenting everybody for my unhappiness. When I woke up... all that was gone! I don't care what people think! I totally don't care!

How did this happen? I don't know except I'm guessing I blew an overloaded fuse. I really think you do have to let go, but I don't know how to tell you guys to do that. I think you have to start caring less about other people and allow yourself to imagine life without them. You realize other people are living their lives and you are not and what that truly means.

Ok, I also think the combo of uninterrupted Prozac and Seasonale is having its impact. You can't heal a broken bone without a cast to stabilize it.

you know you haven't blogged in awhile when...

when blogger asks you for your username/password. Sorry.

Someone awhile back posted a really good comment. They asked something like, why is it that you binge? What are you missing in your life? Is it lack of activity?

I have decided that yes, of late it is definitely lack of activity. My life is currently so dull that food is literally THE most exciting thing that can happen to me.

School and work keep me busy and challenged, but it's not exciting. I don't have any close friends nearby. I would like to be dating someone, but I'm trapped in this fat cycle instead. I haven't even bothered to put on makeup or make my hair look nice in months.

So what do I do to create excitement in an otherwise dull existance?

I would really like to make exercise exciting and appealing. How do I do that?

I'm actually doing well

My life has been going so normal that I forgot to blog!!!!

Now that I'm back on Prozac and Seasonale, life is good. I started working out again and I haven't binged lately.

I don't know what's "wrong" with me because everything is going right! Well that's not true. I am still extremely tired and want to sleep allllllll the time.

I'm super ugly and super fat unfortunately. But I can't do anything about it except do what I have been doing - exercise and eat right.

love,
me

thirtysomething

I'm 30! I don't even know what to write. I think I've written everything already about being inspired to get better and make a new start, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe it's just time to get better. I guess I've waited long enough, don't you think?

Mind of Mand-i-a

I got a nice blog comment yesterday about how I'm so funny. It's true... I'm hysterical. I wish I had more friends who appreciated my sense of humor. Cuz gosh darn it, I'm funny.

I have a hard time being quiet in class... still. Growing up, I remember one kid used to tell me for years that I would end up a comedian. Other kids used to tell me to shut up. If you weren't popular, you weren't allowed to be a class clown. They didn't want to see you or hear you.

I'm watching X-Files. That show is awesome. I would like to have a standing list on this site of things that are officially deemed awesome.

I'm going to write that I've been tentatively doing great the past few days. As soon as I went back on the Prozac and Seasonable, it's been a huge improvement. I'm still hungry a lot but it's not a desire to binge.

One of my favorite lines from my favorite musician is "If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." I feel like I can use my writing to explore bulimia, not just mine but it as a whole.

My birthday is in a week. I will have to change the "about" thing to say I am 30. How can I be 30? That doesn't make sense. Me being 30 is freakier than any X-Files premise.

P.S. The most awesome thing of all may be hot men with English accents. I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 finally. Too bad you can't go to the concession stand and order a small popcorn, medium Diet Coke and a large dildo. Holy hell! Hot hot hot! I shall write a Shakespearian sonnet about how Orlando and I should get it on 500 times. Get thee to Mandy!

pot of gold at the end of the (reading) rainbow

I started reading "Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery" by Lindsey Hall & Leigh Cohn again. It is the only book about bulimia I've ever read that actually makes sense. I got it about two years ago.

Anyway I just started reading it again... In the back there is a two-week guide to stop bingeing. The whole idea fills me with immediate... FEAR. I just can't imagine giving up bulimia. I mean, say it's gone and I don't have an eating disorder. What the fuck will I do then? Who will I be then?

I still want to binge. I'm so bored. I guess I will just sit here and read and have more deep thoughts.

Little Miss Bulimic

I started school this past week.... I think it will be a good semester. I am really excited about my classes because they are pretty interesting. I've still been compulsively bingeing/purging. I am so fat, 205. I feel terrible. I look like such a slob, always wearing t-shirts and sweats. I was walking across campus this morning and I just felt terrible about myself. As in, don't I have any pride in my appearance? In taking care of myself? I hope the weather will cool down soon and I'll feel like going for walks at night. I always do my best thinking and head-clearing when I walk. It's been so hot, like 95 degrees at 11:00 p.m.

Tonight I went to see a great movie, Little Miss Sunshine. It was so simple and yet so funny and uplifting... Everybody go see it!

I will post again soon... more deep thoughts from Jack Mandy.

I'm kinda doing better

Well I got my period, and the storm has passed. It was terrible the past few days... no matter how much I ate, I couldn't be full. I absolutely cannnot live without Seasonale... it's just so freaking expensive!!!

I had a lot of interesting thoughts... but I'm too tired to remember them now. I'll post again tomorrow.

I'm sucking

I'm really doing badly. I am dreaming of a treatment center. There is a really good one about two hours away.

My head hurts.

Prozac nation

I've come to realize recently that I'm not taking the Prozac as consistently as I should be. I usually take it like every other day and not the same time every day. So I've recommitted to taking it every night. However I was chatting with Beth (who kicks ass by the way) and she was telling me about Cymbalta... so I googled Cymbalta and bulimia and found this super awesome site:

Remedy Find: Bulimia

Everybody go on there and talk about what works for you and what doesn't work for you! We need to help each other out with our first hand experiences because let's face it, what the doctors do is pretty much trial and error.

I did a real work out today at the gym for the first time in a long time... 20 min on the eliptical machine. Awesome! Then I came home and cleaned. Awesome! I ate a healthy and satisfying dinner. Awesome! Then I cooked about 100 lbs of this macaroni, chili and spaghetti sauce concoction. I suck at life! Seriously lately it's like I cannot feel full until I've binged and purged repeatedly. The more I try to get better, the worse I get. Maybe it's like quicksand... struggle and you sink faster, stop struggling and you'll float to the surface.

For my birthday, I would like an all-expense paid stay at a treatment facility. I wonder if they have ones where you can bring your pets? They should make a Carnival cruise ship for ED recovery. You don't get off the boat until you're better. That would kick ass.

Anyway I'm thinking I'm going to look into Cymbalta. The thing about Prozac is that it works great at first and then it stops working. I don't understand this. Is Cymbalta better? Ugh a new medication... I feel like such a freak.

Thanks for the supportive messages... it means so much to me.

I'm stuck, stuck, stuck!

I started working out again and I'm trying to do everything right. I'm eating regularly and not letting myself starve.

But at the same time I can't stop bingeing... I don't know why. The more I try not to the more I do it.

I'm so tired of this. I keep waiting to snap out of it but I never do.

crunch time

sorry I haven't been posting... it's the last week of my summer school course and I'm working triple overtime to pass it. I've been awake forever and a year.

I keep thinking about my book, my purpose and all that. I am still serious about it. I need to write a book for myself, even if it sucks ass and never gets published.

My broken is brain.

it's time for a big fat freak out

I decided to weigh myself this morning just to check. 203... 203... 203... What the hell? I have not been over 200 in like three years.

I want to work out so much but I have absolutely no energy... this heat wave is killing me!!! It's like 110 every day. It's 90 even at midnight.

Not only that but the person staying with me left to go home this morning. She was just here visiting for a few months. Now I am living by myself again which means I will be BORED and LONELY and I will COOK and BAKE and BINGE and PURGE in a never ending cycle of wasted time and money.

I don't know what to do. I'm so exhausted.

bulimia is good... at ruining your life

I saw that you've had bulimia for quite awhile. Have you had any really bad side effects?

To answer this question, I've decided to do a rundown of what bulimia does to your body as found on www.helpguide.org and whether or not I've experienced it. Actually these are called complications and not side effects.

* an imbalance in electrolytes...CHECK
* inflammation of the esophagus, salivary glands, and jaw...CHECK
* problems with teeth, gums, and lips...CHECK
* chronic irregular bowel movements due to abusive laxatives...NO
* feelings of shame and guilt...CHECK
* depression...CHECK
* low self-esteem...CHECK
* damaged family and social relationships...CHECK

I've had all of these except for the laxative ones b/c I've never abused those.

Would you like to see my teeth? I can probably spit them out and mail them to you. I don't have dental insurance and can't afford to see a dentist.

flavored water rocks my socks off!!!

Have you tried any fruit-flavored waters? They are SOOOO yummy! I am hooked on Dasani Raspberry. The weather resembles the surface of the sun and I'm REALLY trying to avoid diet soda in the afternoons... and I don't like drinking regular water when I'm not working out or eating. I'm so glad modern technology allows them to flavor water in this excellent manner. It's so COLD and refreshing and takes away my thirsties!

It also has ZERO calories which means it's probably full of something that will cause cancer. You'd think it would have like, 5 calories. However, my thirst is quenched and I'm not up all night.

Anyway I'm having a good week. I've had two good days of eating. I wish it were cooler so I could at least go for a walk, but it's seriously an oven out, even at midnight.

I'm sleepy... and it's only 12:15 am! yay for caffeine-free afternoons!

I've decided to come out of the closet

No I'm not gay (though that would probably be easier to admit on national television). I've been invited on a talk show to talk about being bulimic. I hesitated for about 10 seconds and then I decided to go for it! What the hell, why not? Most people around me either know I have some sort of eating problem (or suspect it) anyway.

The show is called the Dr. Keith Ablow show and it is coming out in syndication this fall. I haven't spoken with him yet but I've heard and read positive things about him. Unlike Dr. Phil, he is a real psychiatrist. He is interested in helping people and not putting on a freak show. I did an interview with someone else at the show about my life story. I have a feeling that this could definitely be a turning point in my life (if I allow it).

I was contacted about this by Michelle Hope, who some of you may know from her blog. She is trying to find other people willing to go on the show with us. Is anyone else out there interested in going on the show? We need more people to make it happen.

Personally, I'm tired of hiding and being ashamed and feeling alone in this. There are millions of strugglers yet we all feel alone. How can this be? It's because we're all hiding in our own closets, where nobody can see what we do and judge us, but also nobody can reach in and help us either.

We need to come out in the open. Think of the famous people who have had the balls to come out and admit their bulimia. Princess Diana, Paula Abdul, Felicity Huffman, Elton John and most recently Katharine McPhee from American Idol. They are 100,000 times more in the public eye than any of us, and this admission hardly ruined them.

Remember how I talked about needing courage and not strength to recover? We need to be courageous in our fight to escape this disorder.

Contact me or Michelle Hope if you want to be on the show or at least are considering it.

Dr. Keith Ablow Show

Vive la revolución!!!

hello children!

So I was thinking today about how I always beat myself up for not having the strength and willpower to stop eating, to get better and to basically do the things I want to do. Maybe it's not that I can't find the strength inside myself. Maybe what I really need is the courage to move forward. So it's not that I can't do it, but that I am just stalling, too afraid. Have I thought this all before? Sometimes I think I am plagiarizing from myself.

Anyway it reminds me of one of my very favorites South Park episodes... titled, "You Got Fucked in the Ass!" when Chef informs the dance crew that they suck.

You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. Wait a minute... you have the soul, but you don't have the heart. Hold on a second... you have both the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent.

I'm still looking for more answers as to HOW (see my last post) if anyone has any.

so what's next

I just don't know what to do next. I've searched inside myself, I know who I am and who I want to be, blah blah, and I'm ready to change my life. But I don't know HOW. Maybe it's not so complicated? Is there a list of instructions on what to do next, or is it just "Next Step: Change and live happily ever after."

If anyone has any pointers about where to go from here, I'd like to hear them. I'm so dreadfully stuck, like Winnie the Pooh in the door to Rabbit's house.