I feel terrible

today was a good day somewhat, I controlled myself around lots of tempting food but only because I saw myself in the mirror and I look terrible. Just terrible! I know I shouldn't say it but I need to lose weight so much. I'm so tired of looking this way but I don't seem to have the strength to get out there and exercise...

I think I'm sliding into my PMS downward spiral... I want chocolate.

good day I think

I ate well today, but I'm still struggling with my sleeping. Forcing myself to get up for that 8:30 class has been teaching me some good discipline.

Still no exercise. I don't know why I can't start.

more later...

zzzzzzzzzzz

Sorry but I'm not in the mood to write much. I had a long day today and yesterday... Today I ate tons of M&Ms but otherwise not too bad. Yesterday I ate a bunch of cinnamon sticks from a pizza place... I don't know what you call them but I swear they were the best thing I ever ate. I freaked out and threw some up because I was so afraid of how many calories were in it.

I want my pecon dust covered ice cream sundae...

nothing else to report.

I want to exercise but I can't get motivated. I don't know why.

doing OK

what is this, day 6? Sorry I didn't post yesterday, I was quite lazy. Last night I had same the desire to binge on the ice cream smothered in pecan dust, but it was much weaker. I can't figure out where the binge idea comes from: my stomach or my mind. I think it comes from my mind.

I got a comment saying it seems like I am doing really well, and I think that is true. This is hoky but I think I am doing better because I'm starting to feel the love I have around me from my friends. I'm really great at loving other people but not so great at grasping that people love me in return. I have some people who know my problems and they like me for me. And I finally, finally, finally understand that my crush loves me, even if he just loves me as a friend. He really does love me that way for sure and it's real love that is not in my head.

By the way I almost had crack balls this morning but I didn't.

Day 4: a good day

Today was a GOOD day! I really was pumped after posting last night. I made myself stay up and I did not go to sleep all day. I got a lot of things done and spent time at an event I really enjoyed. I felt very happy. Unfortunately, I did have Chinese food for lunch but it was not really a binge... I had it at the food court, so it was not even the good kind of Chinese food. However I ate too much and I wanted to purge, especially because there was a Cold Stone Creamery right there too and it looked really good... but I did not. I lived with the discomfort in my stomach.

I am still so full, I did not have any dinner, just a yogurt at 10 pm. If you haven't tried Yoplait Whips! Key Lime Pie, drop what you are doing and go get some. It's so damn good and I'm outraged that there is no decent image out there on the web for me to spruce up this entry. Why has nobody created a web site devoted to Yoplait Whips! Key Lime Pie, with a full photo gallery I could browse for that perfect pic to post here? Oh cruel world...

By the way when I was at the mall I tried on some formal dresses. I have two events in April I need two dresses for. There was hardly any selection at all, but I did fit into one size 16. I could almost fit into a 12 in another style but my boobs are so big that it wouldn't zip all the way up... damn you boobzillas!

well more later. I really did have a good day and I'm going to sleep before 12 tonight.

well well well... day 3

Today was not such a good day. I slept until 7 pm. So much for going to class and having a productive day.

However... the day was not a total waste. I wanted to binge very badly tonight and am feeling very angry with myself that I did not, can you believe it? It's not exactly anger... I guess I feel like bingeing would be such a great idea and such an enjoyable thing to do and why am I cruelly denying myself the pleasure of not doing it? I know that sounds silly, but I can't explain it. You see, someone gave me a big bag of pecan dust that I discovered is UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLY amazing on ice cream. I really wanted to go to the store tonight and get some chocolately ice cream and melt it a little bit and cover it with the pecans, some hot fudge and whipped cream. Sorry I'm writing about the delicious details but don't you see my dilemma, what I'm facing here? The temptation is killing me. I want it! Yummy yummy! But... I did not go and get it. The reason I did not is that I know this has to stop. I want to go to get some and eat it all... but I can't. I feel like willpower is a muscle and I just exercised mine.

I was also angry tonight because of my psycho roommate, who truly is a psycho idiot. I took that anger and I said to myself, "you know what, he is a loser for life. You, on the other hand, are only acting like a loser. You need to show him and everybody that you are not, and what you are really made of."

I hope I can get up early tomorrow. I want to move forward and get things done this weekend. I am no longer sick so I don't have any excuses.

This was a very hard post to make by the way. I have missed two classes so far and we are only allowed three absences. If I oversleep once now, I will fail the course. I don't have any choice but to change my ways.

it is 4 am and I can't sleep

I cannot sleep for three reasons:

1. I woke up late
2. I drank a Diet Coke at 9 pm
3. I think I am addicted to Exedrin PM after two days

I am so annoyed at myself. I wanted to go to step class at 6 am before my class. That is not happening. Well I can't correct it, I can only choose to NOT sleep in and NOT go back to sleep after class. I really want to fix this fucked up schedule of mine! I want to be a normal person and not nocturnal!

OMG I just yawned... hooray! I have to get up in 3 hours :-(

day two: very hard

Today was very hard. I didn't wake up until 11 am but I did not sleep well. My psycho Russian roommates were arguing until 2 am, at which point one of them shattered a glass table top! At least they shut up then (after making even more noise by vacuuming it up).

Anyway I ate a piece of chocolate cake today AND I had crack balls! That is not so good, but the good thing is I did not binge and purge like I totally wanted to for dinner. I was grocery shopping and hungry for dinner and I suddenly wanted Chinese sooo badly. I decided I was going to go to the Chinese buffet after but instead I pulled over and went to Subway. I bought good food at the store but I needed something right then. I guess I should look at it as a good thing. Also I did ride the bike for 25 minutes...

I am going to sleep now. It is past my bedtime. I will post more tomorrow. Goodnight.

day one part deux

I EXERCISED!

I walked to work and back today and rode the stationary bike (slowly) for 30 min. Hooray! It's a start.

Tonight when I came home I was soooo hungry. I almost went and binged tonight but I didn't. I wanted Chinese food soooo badly... but I went to Subway instead. I really was this close, and the only thing that stopped me was that I knew I would have to come on here and write that I messed up DAY ONE!

Michelle Hope mentioned me in her blog and I had a whole bunch of new visitors today from her site. My popularity is on the rise!

today is day 1

So today is the first day of my attempt at a 21-day streak of keeping to a good schedule. (They say 21 days is how long it takes to create a habit.) On Sunday night I didn't sleep at all, and even though I was totally exhausted, I did not fall asleep Monday night until 4 am! And I had to get up at 9! So last night I fell asleep at 6 pm and slept until midnight, and then slept again from 1 am to 8 am.

I feel really good. I hope to make it 21 days. This afternoon I will walk to work and back (1 mile each way) and then tomorrow I really hope to make it to the gym! I need to start working out so I can FEEL GOOD.

I need to try to speed up my metabolism, and getting on a consistent sleep schedule will help a lot.

So will I make it to Feb. 21? stay tuned!

I have to get back to writing my memoirs. I haven't written any after that first day. I'm going to call it "A Million Reeses' Pieces."

real committment to change

I was just reading a great blog by Michelle Hope and the entry from nearly one year ago is the announcement of her intentions to quit:

After 14 years of pretty intense bulimia, I'm giving it up. I don't say that lightly. I'm extremely addicted and feel I really need and depend on it to help me cope and keep me going through this life. But, recently I've realized I really need to stop...I've officially committed to the journey of recovery. And, it's scary as hell.

I think I am not officially committed and that is why I can't stop. It's like something I just say I will do, "yeah yeah I'll stop... tomorrow" yet it's not really real to me, you know?

Today was another waste, I went to sleep after my last entry and slept for 12 hours, and then followed that by stuffing myself and b/p twice. You know what, I will not write b/p anymore. I binged and purged twice. Ouch, that hurts to write. It's so shameful to write those words.

I need to go to a therapist. I need professional help.

Anyway I like this blog. I am reading her thoughts from exactly one year ago and I'm thinking, where do I want to be in one year? Do I want to be in the same place I am now? The same place I was one, two, three, four years ago? No. I want to be a different person. I want to be a recovered person, able to articulate how I rebuilt myself. To do that I need committment. I would like to make a statement like the one above, but I don't think it would be genuine. I really need to think and examine and open up my mind to all the thoughts that scare me...

goddamn it

I think I went almost a week without b/p. Tonight (well last night, look at the goddamn clock) I made myself b/p on a whole large pizza. I don't know why. I only have like $50 to my name and yet I blew half of it on pizza and soda??? (Why do I say "I made myself" as though I am somehow innocent amidst my complete and obvious guilt?).

I don't know why I can't stop. I don't know why... I want to exercise so much, but I don't. I don't understand.

I am going to be 30 in September. I told a friend that I am going to kill myself if I am not thin by then. I don't know if I was serious. I guess I feel that if I put enough pressure on me, that I absolutely HAVE to lose weight or else I will die, then I will. I need something to force me to stop because I am helpless to stop on my own. I think probably I will die from this somehow. What is the point of being alive when I'm so depressed all the time, I'm wasting all my intelligence and talent and potential because I am weak and unable to control myself around food. I wish I was at least an alcoholic or a drug addict, I think it would be less embarrassing and easier to admit. At least drugs can make you "heroin chic." There's no trendy "bulimia bloat" now is there?

I don't have any faith in counseling. The counselor I saw at my school clinic was very nice but she was fatter than me... so I could not be fully honest about how much I despise myself for being fat and how worthless it makes me to society because I did not want to hurt her feelings.

Well this is a depressing post. How is all this negative thinking helping me? It's not. I want to go on crying but I won't. I'm going to start over yet AGAIN. It's 6 am and I will make myself start my day and go through one whole day without fucking up. I WILL TRY AGAIN!

(By the way, this blog will have swearing. I need to express my pain and words like "goddamn mother fucking shit son of a bitch" are sometimes the right words to do just that.)

GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING BULIMIA I HATE YOU!

another bad day

I need to look like the girl in this ad...

I started off at least by going for a walk shortly after my last post! Then I went to class at 8:30 and came home and had some eggs for breakfast at 9:30. Then I made the terrible decision to lay down for ONE hour. I set my alarm for 11 a.m. Next thing I know it was 6 p.m. Oops.

Well it sucks but...

I will try again tomorrow.

I can't do anything else but try again.

I'm going to take some Exedrin PM to help me sleep. Maybe I can get up at a decent hour.

I need to work out, I need to lose weight. I feel like these are the only things that matter. Why can't I exercise? I really don't mind it. In fact I love the way it makes me feel. So why don't I do it? I guess I am just a lazy, lazy person and until I change this I am doomed to be fat.

what the hell is wrong with me

I am completely ruining my life and this bullshit recovery that is supposedly around the corner. I am all ready to change and so inspired to get better and start working out and sleeping and eating normally and everything regular people do. And yet here I am at 5 am, having slept yesterday until 6 pm because I was up until 3 am for two days in a row. WHY am I so lost... I'm ready to change and not be this way, but it's like I'm fighting myself. It seems like I'm subconsciously digging in my heels and resisting the very thing I truly want and need to do.

I just don't know why I am this way. Part of the reason I wanted to start this blog because I thought I would be all inspiring to the world by documenting my recovery. Well I'm sucking and the worst part is I don't get it.

what is it going to take to change?

I'm sad.

well I am staying up all night and I will try to go through the day and be tired by the time I should go to bed tonight.

had to say it was a good day

I slept about 6 hours last night... tonight I will sleep soundly. However I had a very happy day. I don't know why it was so happy... it just was.

I am still sniffling but it's almost gone. I hope I can exercise tomorrow. I NEED TO EXERCISE!

On the SF board a girl posted about wishing she had someone to take care of her and dote on her... I feel the same way. I wish I had someone to take care of me and guide me through the day. I wish I had someone to put me to bed at night and gently wake me up eight hours later. I wish I had someone who wasn't too busy to remember to serve me a good breakfast, and have a healthy snack or meal ready for me every two and a half hours. If I had this person or WAS this person, I wouldn't forget to eat and then suddenly realize I'm ravenous and go running to the nearest Chinese food buffet. Why do I want someone to do these things? Where is Mrs. Garrett, Mr. Belvedere or Charles to be in charge of me? I feel like such an irresponsibile loser that I struggle to do these tedious tasks like... properly feed myself.

An item from today's Regurgitated Headlines has to do with a new movie being shown at Sundance called "Thin" about four eating disorder patients in Florida. I'm sure it will be very uplifting and inspiring... NOT! It's not based on someone's Very Special script but is a documentary, so it's guaranteed to be a horrifying dreary piece of very real life. I think all the patients are anorexics who happen to throw up, but we'll have to wait till it's on HBO this spring to see if there are any bodacious bulimics.

You know maybe one day I will write a feel-good comedy about bulimia. EDs are tragic but at the same time they are 1% ludicrously hilarious, don't you think? I bet Lindsay "I never said what I said to that journalist who has it all on tape" Lohan would beat down the casting agent's door to be in that movie.

I weighed 193 again today, after weighing 191.5 yesterday. Then my scale said something it never did before: LO. I think I need a new battery unless it's to be continued and it spells SER tomorrow...

By the way, I have had 43 visitors. I think only about 1/3 are me!

dammit

Today was a terrible day... I didn't go to sleep until 4 am last night and decided to ditch the gym, ditch class and sleep until 2 pm. So of course I'm stuck awake right now. Why can't I just do what I set out to do?

They say it takes 21 days to either start or stop a habit. So, for the next 21 days, I'm challenging myself to go to bed at a good hour and get up early and live a full day. I really want to do that.

Today I ate pretty well, except for some crack balls at work and caramel popcorn after dinner.

I feel terrible.

a good day

I relaxed this weekend, but I cleaned today! I finally started on my messy room and made some good progress. Tomorrow I really feel I will be able to get up early and go to the gym before class. I am so happy I am only taking one class this semester... I think it will help me be less stressed and feeling a lot less anxiety.

I didn't work on my memoirs this weekend... I tried reading "Wasted" again by Marya Hornbacher, but I can't get into it. I never got very far last time. She is a good writer but I just can't relate to it, oddly enough.

By the way, I weighed again on my broken scale and it said 193, which is about right I think! I would be so happy if I can just get below 180, because I haven't been under there in a long time.

Time to watch Celebrity Fit Club!

yesterday's blog

This was from last night, but blogger was down and I couldn't post.

I started writing my memoirs. Doesn't that sound hilarious? Hee, hee. It certainly sounds odd but I think it will be extremely therapeutic. I jotted down a bunch of notes and then I went totally blank for like 10 minutes. Then I just started writing again and I realized, wow, even though I'm a good writer, it's still hard. Shock. I really need to just write more and more and continually challenge myself to be a better writer. I'm going to start by not only writing more, but reading more as well. I need to read some new authors desperately. I have tons of books so I usually read my favorites over and over. It's time to start with some new authors and new styles. Please give me some suggestions of your favorites.

I'm still sick but it's been downgraded to just a cold. I still don't have much of an appetite. So why oh why did I binge and purge TWICE today? First was on Chinese food for lunch and then later on about 5,000 crack balls. I didn't even want to! I can't believe how programmed it really is into my behavior. What a waste.

Well I will start my exercise program soon. Hooray!

PS I love him again... because I talked to him a few times today. He makes me happy.

crappity crap crap crap

I feel so dizzy. I slept almost all day yesterday thanks to Nyquil. Now I feel positively drunk and dizzy and blah... I have nothing worthwhile to say. I'm still hacking and sniffing but I feel better, despite the dizziness.

I did manage to get up yesterday to go to class in the freezing, freezing, freezing cold. Like the semester, the battle for my soul has begun. So far the Methodists are winning - they were smartly giving away free hot chocolate and apple cider, compared to the inedibile pamphlets offered by Christians on Campus (whatever demomination they are). I'm waiting for the religious sect that gives away Diet Mountain Dew... the Dew Disciples I will call them.

I postponed my appt today with the counselor because I'm sick. I like having lost my voice because people are sympathetic. Whenever I say I'm sick, I have a sneaking suspicion that people suspect me of faking. But since I sound like crap, everyone I talk to says "hope you feel better soon."

Today I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup from Subway with one million crackers and a whole bunch of crack balls at work (see picture).

I'm going to post more about the asshole I'm in love with. He's an asshole purely because he doesn't love me. That is his only crime. He is the sweetest, kindest, smartest and most gentle person I have ever met, and therefore I am sure he will never love me. I don't deserve him to love me, and I obsess over this fact almost as much as I obsess over him in general. But lately my love has been fading because of his lack of attention. I think that's actually quite healthy.

I forgot to mention I met a fantastic man the other day at the vet. Well I didn't really meet him as much as I saw him and petted his puppy a whole bunch. This guy had a very different look than most guys around here, ie, he looked intelligent and like he might be interested in something besides football. I don't think he looked me in the eye once however. I hate being invisible.

Speaking of, I need to start working out. I think tomorrow morning is too soon, unless I wake up completely cured.

I stumbled across another bulimia blog tonight. Actually, it's the blog of a bestselling author, and she is publically admitting to struggling with bulimia:

Post baby, I wrote a novel featuring a bulimic alcoholic. I am not an alcoholic, but I am a bulimic. Even so, I did not admit it to the many readers who asked. I could not bring myself to believe it. Fat women didn't have eating disorders, did they? I was more willing to admit I'd slept with a woman in college and based the lesbian character's love scenes on that than I was able to confess to having an eating disorder.

Read the whole thing at: Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez: La Queen Sucia

drunk on nyquil

I'm about to zonk out again from my latest dose of nyquil.... I just thought I would post to say for a good time, do a google image search for drunk.

I'm totally typing under the influence. You know what, I am such an attention whore. Today someone who saw my picture (not the blurry one I posted here, somewhere else) told me I was gorgeous. And that is the very best thing about today.

I took him off my buddy list.... he can see me but I can't see him. So now I won't be tempted to write him and try to chat. He doesn't love me, and that's OK. There's someone out there for me.

I'm asleep now.