I can't believe I'm writing these words... Since November 2008, the soul-sucking disease known as bulimia nervosa has not been a part of my life.
I wish I could describe to you the elation I feel each day, the happiness I have in every moment. Not that life is perfect. Over the past 11 months, there have been times I've been down, I've been exhausted, I've been sobbing, or even times I've been overeating, but yet it's like night and day from my previous life.
I don't know how I could call it a life even... it was death.
I'm not saying I'm cured. If my Lap-Band was taken out, I think I would return to bingeing and purging withing weeks if not days. There have been times it's gotten loose or I've gotten used to the tension and I've been able to overeat. Even though I was only able to eat a fraction of what I used to, the same old euphoria accompanied my overeating. But I've learned that's the sign it's time for the band to be tightened again. (I've had it tightened or filled three times.) And as soon as it is, voila, my interest in overeating disappears. It's literally a switch that is being shut off in my brain somehow: my brain is able to understand it's full.
I haven't lost a ton of weight yet but I'm on my way. I'm down almost 40 lbs and have about 100 to go. It's been slow but I think that's good.
I still get so many comments on this blog from people out there who are suffering, most alone. I wish I could help you. Not all of you may be overweight or even interested in Lap-Band, but I hope you can learn from my experience. Bulimia and overeating are are NOT mental or psychological disorders. They are signs of a physical sickness, something out of whack with the brain and digestive system. I'm sure there are different causes but the problem is the same.
People with eating disorders, YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ILL. You are not weak with no self control. You are not too lazy to stick to a diet. You are not a freak. Maybe you have problems relating to other people, can't balance your check book and can't dance, but none of those changes the very real facts: You have a medical disease and you need medical treatment.
I want to write a book to tell my story and share this very real truth with the world.
Please take care of yourselves, and start demanding the best possible health care and treatment out there.
love,
Amanda
27 comments:
ah, i've red your blog for years and this post just bugged. I have to say that for some, this IS a mental disease, NOT a physical one. I do not overeat because i am hungry, or there is something wrong with my digestive system. I do it to comfort myself, to feel numb and in so much physical pain that real life seems a little more distant. Then my intense desire to be physically perfect takes over and tells me i MUST get rid of the food.
You are getting high off of eating precisely because your brain thinks you are starving. Your brain is rewarding you to eat to stave off starvation.
I'm not saying I have all the answers. I would have denied this too if I had not experienced it myself. Turn off the switch that tells your brain you're starving, and I guarantee you that you will lose interest in bingeing.
Actually, bulimia and anorexia are spiritual diseases masquerading as physical ones. The addiction starts as a "counterfeit" pleasure - you are seeking to fill a hunger that is not physical. The fact that psychtropic drugs have been proven to be completely ineffectual at treating eating disorders (yet are still routinely prescribed) bears this out.
An excellent resource on this topic is Tyler and Grady's "Deceptive Diagnosis". Recently, the annual NANC conference featured a workshop on the effects of psychotropic drugs on the body which was very revealing, but you will never hear from your psychologist or psychiatrist. Those in the psych fields are interested in making people believe that addictions (including eating disorders) are organic diseases, when science has proven that they are not. Most of the women I have counseled report that they did much BETTER once they weaned themselves of the antidepressants and accepted personal responsibility for their behavior. Eating disorders are in fact learned behaviors which can be unlearned. "Turning off the switch" can only happen when one learns to renew her mind and stop putting weight/food/illicit comfort in the place it was never intended to serve.
In my book, "Redeemed from the Pit", I cite several studies disproving the theory that EDs are physically based. It will be published in the Spring of 2010.
Marie, I'm happy you found religion comforting and help you heal, but bulimia is NOT a spiritual disease.
However, I want my readers to know that repentance (as Marie states on her blog) is not a viable medical cure. Stay away from snake-oil peddlers and seek medical treatment.
While I am happy that you have discovered a means to controlling the behavioral component of your eating disorder, I think that the blanket statement made in this entry is incredibly narrow sighted. Lap-Bands/similar procedures will NOT fix most ED patients' problems and it's frankly irresponsible to encourage that procedure to people so desperate for a way to be free of this disease that no option seems too absurd (which, though you disclaim yourself by saying "not all of you may be...interested in a lap-band" is what you are doing).
If your eating disorder was purely physical, you are in the vast minority. Making yourself physically incapable of binging does not solve the underlying psychological issues the behaviors served to mitigate, nor does it negate their existence. Do not "guarantee" any decrease in behaviors, as you did in the comments section. It frustrates the heck out of me that you are here claiming things that not even a patient's medical doctor would, them knowing that patient's history and specific needs.
11 months? You rule.
I have my 9 year anniversary coming up on Thanksgiving. Yay.
Good luck w/ everything!
It is clear that there isnt one approach fits all kind of thing. There's over 400 types of counselling all purporting to have the answers in one way of another. The most important thing is being able to deeply trust your counsellor and only then in my view can the patterns running Bulimia begin to be unearthed.
Mandy - I was looking at your site, and reading some of your posts and I thoiught you and your readers might be interested in some current facts and awesome resources! I'm sure you’re already aware, more than 11 million men and women in the United States struggle with an eating disorder. To raise awareness and understanding of these devastating diseases, Eating Recovery Center, a behavioral hospital focused on comprehensive treatment and sustainable recovery for eating disorders based in Denver, has developed this Blogger’s Guide to Eating Disorders (http://www.docstoc.com/docs/19664129/Bloggers-Guide-to-Eating-Disorders). This guide offers information and resources to support your stories about America’s deadliest mental illness.
Thank you for being such a valuable publisher and resource for the eating disorder community! Keep up the great work on The Bulimia Blog.
For further questions about eating disorders or to arrange a deeper discussion with one of the experts listed in this guide, please contact:
Shannon Fern
CSG|PR
303.433.7020
sfern@csg-pr.com
Let’s make 2010 the year of recovery!
Totally agree with some of these other comments. You can't categorically state bulimia is mental or physical. As for 'spiritual', that's not even worth commenting on.
I would say it's a mental illness, in my experience, but I guess there could be physical factors involved and perhaps more so for other people.
Either way, it's dodgy to assert that you KNOW the cause for such a complex illness, especially without being a medical professional.
That said, I appreciate your blog and hope you write again soon. :)
Hmmm. . I'm really happy you haven't binged or purged for a while. . but as I read your post, I would venture to say you are probably not bulimia free. As someone who is bulimia-free, with/without your lapband tightened, you should be able to recognize your emotional and mental response for food and the need to overeat or restrict. I've suffered from bulimia for 15 years, and in going through my own recovery, it was only by acknowledging the red herring (food, my lack of control over it, a physical problem) and got to the heart of the problem (binging and purging was a way to cope with uncomfortable and anxious feelings) that I can say I'm in recovery. I wish you nothing but the best as I know how this disease can destroy lives. . but I hope you get more than medical help to recover.
Mandy,
How were you able to get approved for a Lap-Band with a history of bulimia? I relate very much with your story. I have been bulimic for about 10 years and I am also overweight. (Really, I am. It's not an ED delusion.) I feel as if I'm so outside the box in this area. I was in an IOP treatment program last year and was in remission for several months. During that time, my doctor said we could consider the Lap-Band if my ED symptoms remained under control. Unfortunately, I have relapsed in the past few months :( Just curious as to how you approached your doc, insurance co. about having the procedure.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k1r2KyVWL3U
Im a 15 year old girl, I cannot bear life anymore I really dont know how you have overcome this or overcoming?? please try and give me some advice? i dont want medical help as that to me is embarrassment... i have been like this since something really hard happened in my life and i didnt know how to deal with it! and have been like this ever since please help
lol i cant believe "samantha' wants 10 links to her site counselor.org. thats called link farming in google. Its enough to ask for 1 link in a link exchange but 10? LOL, the greed. putting 10 links to 1 site like that would cause Google to penalize you and probably lose all your page rank.
Hi WOW..... I connected with your post, I was a 15 year old girl when I first created my eating disorder to cope. It's ok to feel embarrassed, I did too,but i was so glad to see someone and get it off my chest. I realised the eating disorder was my minds way of coping with the situation at the time, so its not your fault, its a coping mechanism by the sounds of it is now ready to try another way that is better for you.
Please contact me if I can help in some way or you just want to chat, I am 38 now, and remember how you feel, and I remember thinking there must be a way out of this, and there is, you can come through this, you have taken the first step by posting well done you are truely courageous. Keep taking the next step, just like you are, and dont be afraid to express yourself, look at Lady Ga Ga, she was afraid to express herself at one stage and the teachers and kids picked on her at school, but now she is expressing her beliefs and truths and the way she wants to be and can be happy. Dont let anyone steal your dream, just because they dont understand it. YOu are a really smart girl in your understanding of what you have written, I wish I was as clever as you at your age :-)
Look forward to hearing your ideas.
Hugs & Sunshine
Love it. see my blog and walk with me..
http://freemefrombulimia.blogspot.com/
Hi, I am an admirer of your blog which provides lots of sound advice and food for thought. It may actually help me to accept that this in fact a medical condition. I've just started up my own blog about my experiences as a bulimic, at
http://theenduringbulimic.blogspot.com/. Please feel free to check it out. Very best wishes,
HELLO GOOD BLOG ,PLEASE VISIT MY BLOG ,TANK PAOLO
http://capelliinforma.blogspot.com/
Hi
I'm an advertising student..and currently ...I'm working on a project which theme is bulimia.
I've just created a page on facebook called white ribbon
In order to raise awareness about bulimia I'm trying to promote my idea: I wanna reach the surroundings of a bulimic person instead of the bulimic herself/himself. I believe its more effective as is really hard for the bulimic to seek for a professional help...
I think that a kind demeanor is capable of motivate them..
I wanna show we all embrace this cause...
I need bulimic people to realise they are not alone.
Could you please help me to promote my facebook page?
Many Thanks. God bless we all!!
That is so nice about you. I like your writing style. I am new here to your blog. Do stay in touch with me.
Regards,
Health News
It's inspiring to read your blog. I'm starting therapy now to quit bulimia. It's nothing you say lightly, it's gonna require so much work and i don't know how im gonna be able to actually change my ways, but even if i see a sad pathetic person when i look back at my life, i see a bright future. But i've always been like that, i remember when i was 15 i wanted to be 25 so that i could be happy. I'm 25 now, and i still think in terms of "when i get my degree and start working im gonna be happy". Right... in these 10 years i developed bulimia. How do you brake your habits? It's so normal for me to eat and hurl... it's my way of getting through the day. Like Lambdiggity said: MUST GET RID OF THE FOOD.
Anyway, congratulations on your progress, it's such an inspiration for people like me that's starting therapy now. Like, if someone else with bulimia could make it, then so will i.
Thanx
Zoey
People suffering from bulimia
should undergo treatment without fail else it wil be out of control. Better safe than worry. Its not a physical disease rather it comes under mental health problems.
this is a mental disease not physical thantks for the good topics here
I started my bulemia *after* getting the lap-band. I've heard it's more common now. I'm afraid that I'll move the band or degrade it from my constant purging, but it doesn't seem to stop me. A friend sent me here after learning of my bulemia (I started at age 31), and she wanted to be helpful, but I don't see how someone who got a band to END their bulemia could possibly help me in my particular situation. Any suggestions? I'm open. My band is currently empty- I've had multiple gastric ulcers from all the purging, so they took all the fluid out so I could feel better. But they still don't know...
I love this blog. I started HCG today (again), after going from a size 16 to 11 last year. Still at a size 11, gained weight back, and decided to study the diet, and went back on injections today. I weigh a bit much, and will be a size 7 when I'm done. I'm 49. I have a past history of bulimia and anorexia. I can assure people they are learned habits. I grew out of the bulimia, but not dieting. Dieting is comforting (and needed for me now). I thought I'd not care any more for calorie restriction but it feels great. I'm not doing the protocol, will add plenty of exercise, and am documenting the whole dark side. I don't think the HCG protocol was written for people like me...if I had the cash, I'd get a lapband. Congrats totally, on yours.
Thank you for your words, I sometimes tend to think I am weak a F~up, but you are right I know deep down in my soul, this is beyond my choice, I am truly sick, I need help but I am too embarrassed or scared of being controlled or judged. I wish there was someone I could open up too. I am writing a blog as well, great luck on your weight lose :)
Love, YAYA
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