Stuck like a bug in a rug.

I got an email from Google that my blog would be frozen in time if I didn't agree to sign in and upgrade or something by May 31... so at about 11:30 pm PST I finally logged in and everything seems salvaged.

Obviously I haven't posted in a long time. I don't binge and purge anymore but I still struggle. Lately I've been struggling with overeating and self-sabotage. I'm repeatedly gaining and losing the same 15 lbs. My anxiety level is off the charts lately, leading to insomnia and major stress. I went to sleep around midnight but woke up again at 3 am and have been wide awake ever since. This sucks but I'm going to use the opportunity to vent.

Twice in the past month I've been to psychiatrists for help and neither could/would help me. One of my major issues is ADHD and good luck getting treatment for that as an adult. The first psychiatrist said he did not treat ADHD, basically implying he did not believe in it, even though I told the receptionist exactly what I wanted to be seen for at the time of the appointment! I had to pay a $30 copay so I was not happy. I was so distraught I started bawling when I left.

The second psychiatrist was worse. First, it was in an old building and I had to go into the basement to use the bathroom. Fine, but her waiting room was dirty and she had plastic chairs! Like patio chairs. Her receptionist was very weird and he used his cell phone to take calls since he didn't have a real phone. It was very amateur. They charged me $110, which is $80 more than the copay, with no explanation except that the insurance company said I had not met my deductible. I only had $40 on me and had to make arrangements to pay the rest the next day (since that was payday). The shady receptionist wanted to know when and where he could meet me the next day to get the rest of the money! It was surreal. The psychiatrist was very young (looked about 25) and Indian but had a very plane-Jane American name. Trust me, I don't have a problem with non-American doctors but I think she changed her name to sound more American, another reason I found her suspect. I told her I felt like I needed help from both a psychiatrist and therapist, and asked her if she could refer me to a therapist. I described my incredible anxiety and problems and the trouble my lack of organization is causing my life and she did not seem interested in the least. The whole time, a grand 15 minutes, she typed the symptoms into her computer instead of looking at me. She was very cold from start to finish.

She said she didn't prescribe medication for ADHD without a diagnosis done through testing. Fine, I can understand that. Of course she doesn't do testing so she said her assistant would have to email me the list of people who do because they did not have a printer! (He never emailed me by the way.) She prescribed me Vistaril for anxiety. It does nothing. She called Ambien "a bad drug" and prescribed me 150 mg or Trazadone to help me sleep. Apparently Trazadone is not approved for insomnia but when it is, it is started at 25 to 50 mg. The 150 mg was terrible. I could not wake up the next day at all, I was barely able to call in to work. I slept for about 20 straight hours and felt like I was in a coma. By the way, she never referred me to a therapist either, which was one of the first things I asked about!

That was a month ago. One thing I did is get back on the Seasonale (birth control that gives you only four periods a year), because I had a particularly bad episode of PMS. So that is one positive thing. But still, I have been so anxious. I can't get anything done. My debt is out of control. My apartment is a giant mess. I have stuff everywhere. It's so bad that the kitchen sink is leaking but I'm too embarrassed to call maintenance.

Plus I've been making some particularly bad decisions in other ways. I've been hanging around with a coworker who is a trainwreck himself, an alcoholic who is probably bipolar. He's actually very intelligent but acts like a complete fool when he starts spouting off, and can be very obnoxious. He is gorgeous and I'm very physically attracted to him, which is clouding my judgement. He has had so many DUIs that his license was suspended but he drives around anyway, probably drunk still. He takes painkillers to get high and who knows what else he does. He comes from a very unfortunate family situation, and I can see the good in him. I want to help him. But I know I can't, and I know I should not be associating with him. I'm 35 now and I need a good man. But where to find one?

Anyway enough is enough. I feel absolutely stuck and it's time to move forward. First thing tomorrow I am going to make an appointment for therapy. I just feel miserable and I know I deserve better.

I feel better after this vent.