11 months bulimia free, are you effing kidding me?

I can't believe I'm writing these words... Since November 2008, the soul-sucking disease known as bulimia nervosa has not been a part of my life.

I wish I could describe to you the elation I feel each day, the happiness I have in every moment. Not that life is perfect. Over the past 11 months, there have been times I've been down, I've been exhausted, I've been sobbing, or even times I've been overeating, but yet it's like night and day from my previous life.

I don't know how I could call it a life even... it was death.

I'm not saying I'm cured. If my Lap-Band was taken out, I think I would return to bingeing and purging withing weeks if not days. There have been times it's gotten loose or I've gotten used to the tension and I've been able to overeat. Even though I was only able to eat a fraction of what I used to, the same old euphoria accompanied my overeating. But I've learned that's the sign it's time for the band to be tightened again. (I've had it tightened or filled three times.) And as soon as it is, voila, my interest in overeating disappears. It's literally a switch that is being shut off in my brain somehow: my brain is able to understand it's full.

I haven't lost a ton of weight yet but I'm on my way. I'm down almost 40 lbs and have about 100 to go. It's been slow but I think that's good.

I still get so many comments on this blog from people out there who are suffering, most alone. I wish I could help you. Not all of you may be overweight or even interested in Lap-Band, but I hope you can learn from my experience. Bulimia and overeating are are NOT mental or psychological disorders. They are signs of a physical sickness, something out of whack with the brain and digestive system. I'm sure there are different causes but the problem is the same.

People with eating disorders, YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ILL. You are not weak with no self control. You are not too lazy to stick to a diet. You are not a freak. Maybe you have problems relating to other people, can't balance your check book and can't dance, but none of those changes the very real facts: You have a medical disease and you need medical treatment.

I want to write a book to tell my story and share this very real truth with the world.

Please take care of yourselves, and start demanding the best possible health care and treatment out there.

love,
Amanda

A new chapter

I'm working on my book proposal and query... if anyone knows a great literary agent, please let me know. I've picked a few I am going to send my query to but would love some suggestions.

Life is amazing. Even with life's struggles like work and school, every day I'm happier and healthier than the day before.

Fuck you, bulimia - I'm done with you forever. You can do it too - do whatever it takes to get rid of it so you can begin living. My path isn't for everyone but is worth considering if you are where I was.

Finally, bulimia free

I'm free from the evil soul-sucking cancer known as bulimia.

I can't remember the last time I threw up. I've had a few spit ups ("productive burps" in LapBand talk) but throwing up is no longer a part of my life. Bingeing is no longer a part of my life. I did have two cookies two days ago and got a sugar rush off it, but it was like 1 percent of a full binge.

After 24 years of abnormal, unhealthy eating, I can finally say: I eat like a normal person. I can take food or leave it. There was cake at the office the other day and I had no interest in it. Before, I would have taken a large piece, snuck another later and then been totally preoccupied the whole day wondering how much more cake was left and when I could go get some more unnoticed.

To say I'm happy is the understatement of the century. I simply am living life to the fullest. It's amazing how free I am now to truly live my life. My mind is sharp and I can think about the things I need to talk about.

Maybe LapBand isn't going to work for everybody, but my experience PROVES that this disease is PHYSICAL. It is NOT a mental weakness! My bulimia was cured not by therapy, willpower, medication, a new diet or self-help books. It was cured by a medical procedure that changed my stomach. My stomach always thinks I'm full, and therefore, my brain no longer thinks I'm starving. It stopped sending out the signals to eat, eat, eat and fill up that stomach.

Life is amazing. I am so happy to be alive.

Everybody keep reminding yourself that what you're dealing with is a medical problem, not a mental one. Good luck and love to you all.

A new year, a new me

I am doing very well, still adjusting to this band. I had my first fill (tightening) on Thursday. Since then I've only been able to eat a small amount of food slowly. It's truly a different world for me, where throwing up will not be a part.

This blog needs to morph alongside me as I live a new life with my gastric band. I think I will expand the blog outward to a different kind of site that offers help and support for people with bulimia. What do you think?

I would love to hear some suggestions on creating a site that can help struggling bulimics. A place for news on bulimia and treatment. I know there are many bulimia blogs, and listing every blog would be a service. Maybe a message board too.

What do you think?

A glimpse of the other side

I got my LAP-BAND almost three weeks ago.

I've lost 20 lbs in one month, which includes the pre-op diet for two weeks.

The pre-op diet was hell. I was starving and could eat only 750 calories a day. It was torturous BUT I DID IT.

The first week after being banded I was hardly hungry. A little broth and I was full. It was AMAZING! For the first time in my life, or as long as I can remember, I DID NOT THINK OR CARE OR OBSESS OR FEEL ABOUT FOOD. It was just, oh, I have to eat something. My mind was so clear.

For me, hunger is the enemy. It's always been the enemy with me.

The hunger has come back a little bit, but not so much where I am even thinking about bingeing. It is a different kind of hunger.

After about six weeks I can get the band filled, or tightened. Right now it is just on, but it's not really restricting my eating all that much. When they get it tightened just right, then I should hopefully feel like I did that first week.

I know that within a year I should be at my ideal weight. It is very exciting to know that, but also it's a bit scary. The most exciting part is knowing I can be happy with how I look on the outside. Maybe not perfect, but good enough that I feel it's worthwhile to do my hair, or makeup, or put on nice clothes. I've put on makeup twice in the past six months, and one of the times was to get my pre-operation photos taken!

I look at Fantasy Man Him and I am reminded again how much time I've wasted in my life. I have not been living but merely suffering as I fail to meet his expectations of perfection. I look at him and think, this man is not right for me at all. The more I come to know myself, the more I understand that. And I also remind myself that trying to live up to this WRONG PERSON has contributed enormously to my unhappiness and low self-worth. I'm not even going to write that maybe I have pegged him wrong and he will be right for me one day, as tempting as it is to still dream of that. Fucker.

I'm sure there are some people who think getting the Lap-Band was wrong, but I don't care. I know it was right for me. I am not some underweight anorexic but severely overweight - I need to lose at least 100 lbs. I needed this physical intervention as I gained more and more weight. It's not going to be easy, but I know that it will make it easier than it would have been.

love from me

Sometimes it feels good to cry

Why am I unhappy?

I don't just mean now, with my stress and pre-op diet and all. I mean for years and years I have never truly been happy. Why? Because I'm starving for love.

Three times in my life I have uprooted myself to be with guys who are nothing more than flirtatious friends, derailing my life to spend years on each. At the slightest glimmer of love I respond like a starving person to cracker crumbs, inhaling them and desperately hoping for more. I get by on crumbs of love. Do you know what it has done to me inside each time I am ignored by these men. I have escaped the pain by living in an imaginary universe where it is me and him... All I want is for him to love me. Of course in my fantasy I have that perfect body and have never been fat, or depressed, or a slob, or a failure. This fantasy is all intertwined into a giant magic marshmallow that hugs me on the inside.

Contributing to my recent stress is the mounting realization that Current Him will never truly love me. Many times I have tried to tell myself it's not going to happen, but just as quickly as I do, I snap that thought away from my mind as though it were my hand touching a boiling hot stove. Or I'll tell myself I'm over him and decide to cheerfully go about my day without the schmuck. That lasts about 45 minutes before the love fantasy comes back in, numbing my hurt like emotional painkillers. The more I hurt, the stronger I dream. Combine that with the embarrassment and shame I feel for having this secret sick crush from afar, as I look with horror at the date and realize just how many years it has consumed me.

This is a big giant wad of poo.

Stretched Thin...

I started my two-week pre-op diet Saturday. I am supposed to lose 5 percent of my body weight by eating about 800-900 calories a day. The first two days were OK but today I was so, so, hungry. I didn't cheat but I just felt so panicked by the hunger. For the past year I have eaten exactly what I wanted and I haven't been hungry at all. But now by Nov. 21 I have to be down 13 lbs or they won't do the surgery.

Right now I am under massive stress from five sources: my first job, my second job, my classes, my back pain and now this diet. I did something I never do: cry. I came home in the middle of the day and cried for about an hour about what a mess my life is and why I am in this situation. And then I slept for an hour after and felt much better.

Right now I have to work harder than I ever had in my life. That scares me. I'm scared of hard work. I don't hate hard work, I am just scared. I get behind in things and then dig myself into a hole and then I just get so overwhelmed I lose all ability to function.

is there a name for that?

A giant weight off my chest (and ass)

Guess who is getting Lap Band surgery in three weeks... :-) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I can't effing believe it. I'm so excited. I've been working on this seriously for the past month or so, and ever since it set in that it's finally GOING TO HAPPEN, my eating habits have completely changed. Once I stopped worrying about the fact that I really need to lose weight, I stopped worrying about food. And I totally stopped bingeing.

All my anxiety about food has disappeared. I have been eating whatever I want, which hasn't been the most healthy, but it's not stuffing my face either.

I need to lose a lot of weight but I know the Lap Band is going to be there to help me feel full after a few bites. For the first time in my life that means no more diet frustration and failure.... No more panic at the feeling of hunger.

everyone I've told has been really supportive... hope you guys are too. I know this is going to work, which is not only exciting but very scary at the same time. Where will I be able to be without my food problems?