The Bulimia Blog

Back, but bulimia free!

2011-11-16T10:42:00.000-06:00

I'm sorry if I have abandoned my readers in the last few years. Bulimia is not a part of my life anymore. It's like a cancerous tumor has been cut out of my body.

I'm not perfect and I still have eating problems, but they seem to be much more "normal." I overeat sometimes and sometimes I wish I could just throw it up to have that relief. But I just go on.

However, I continue to get so many comments here from you guys who are still struggling. I would like to keep posting.

One other struggle I have right now is stopping my addiction to diet soda. I think it causes all kinds of problems. I would like to ask, how many of you drink diet soda daily?

what would you do if...

2010-07-03T23:29:00.002-05:00

What if you woke up one day, and your bulimia was gone?
What would you do with your life?
How would you fill your days?

I see so many comments still from those of you who are suffering. Bulimia is a constant hell. Even if you can get away from it for a week or an hour or a minute, it comes back to suck your soul.

So what would you like to do with your life that you're not able to do now?

This is where I am, I have lots of things I thought I would do. I'm doing some of them but still struggle. Mainly I struggle with boredom and bad habits that need to go. I still have self-destructive tendencies that are threatening my life. Not like they're going to kill me, but they are threatening my chances of living a happy, healthy, normal life. A life I want and need.

I wish I could cure you all.

11 months bulimia free, are you effing kidding me?

2009-10-12T19:20:00.003-05:00

I can't believe I'm writing these words... Since November 2008, the soul-sucking disease known as bulimia nervosa has not been a part of my life.

I wish I could describe to you the elation I feel each day, the happiness I have in every moment. Not that life is perfect. Over the past 11 months, there have been times I've been down, I've been exhausted, I've been sobbing, or even times I've been overeating, but yet it's like night and day from my previous life.

I don't know how I could call it a life even... it was death.

I'm not saying I'm cured. If my Lap-Band was taken out, I think I would return to bingeing and purging withing weeks if not days. There have been times it's gotten loose or I've gotten used to the tension and I've been able to overeat. Even though I was only able to eat a fraction of what I used to, the same old euphoria accompanied my overeating. But I've learned that's the sign it's time for the band to be tightened again. (I've had it tightened or filled three times.) And as soon as it is, voila, my interest in overeating disappears. It's literally a switch that is being shut off in my brain somehow: my brain is able to understand it's full.

I haven't lost a ton of weight yet but I'm on my way. I'm down almost 40 lbs and have about 100 to go. It's been slow but I think that's good.

I still get so many comments on this blog from people out there who are suffering, most alone. I wish I could help you. Not all of you may be overweight or even interested in Lap-Band, but I hope you can learn from my experience. Bulimia and overeating are are NOT mental or psychological disorders. They are signs of a physical sickness, something out of whack with the brain and digestive system. I'm sure there are different causes but the problem is the same.

People with eating disorders, YOU ARE PHYSICALLY ILL. You are not weak with no self control. You are not too lazy to stick to a diet. You are not a freak. Maybe you have problems relating to other people, can't balance your check book and can't dance, but none of those changes the very real facts: You have a medical disease and you need medical treatment.

I want to write a book to tell my story and share this very real truth with the world.

Please take care of yourselves, and start demanding the best possible health care and treatment out there.

love,
Amanda

A new chapter

2009-03-19T23:31:00.002-05:00

I'm working on my book proposal and query... if anyone knows a great literary agent, please let me know. I've picked a few I am going to send my query to but would love some suggestions.

Life is amazing. Even with life's struggles like work and school, every day I'm happier and healthier than the day before.

Fuck you, bulimia - I'm done with you forever. You can do it too - do whatever it takes to get rid of it so you can begin living. My path isn't for everyone but is worth considering if you are where I was.

Finally, bulimia free

2009-03-11T23:53:00.003-05:00

I'm free from the evil soul-sucking cancer known as bulimia.

I can't remember the last time I threw up. I've had a few spit ups ("productive burps" in LapBand talk) but throwing up is no longer a part of my life. Bingeing is no longer a part of my life. I did have two cookies two days ago and got a sugar rush off it, but it was like 1 percent of a full binge.

After 24 years of abnormal, unhealthy eating, I can finally say: I eat like a normal person. I can take food or leave it. There was cake at the office the other day and I had no interest in it. Before, I would have taken a large piece, snuck another later and then been totally preoccupied the whole day wondering how much more cake was left and when I could go get some more unnoticed.

To say I'm happy is the understatement of the century. I simply am living life to the fullest. It's amazing how free I am now to truly live my life. My mind is sharp and I can think about the things I need to talk about.

Maybe LapBand isn't going to work for everybody, but my experience PROVES that this disease is PHYSICAL. It is NOT a mental weakness! My bulimia was cured not by therapy, willpower, medication, a new diet or self-help books. It was cured by a medical procedure that changed my stomach. My stomach always thinks I'm full, and therefore, my brain no longer thinks I'm starving. It stopped sending out the signals to eat, eat, eat and fill up that stomach.

Life is amazing. I am so happy to be alive.

Everybody keep reminding yourself that what you're dealing with is a medical problem, not a mental one. Good luck and love to you all.

A new year, a new me

2009-01-11T23:05:00.002-06:00

I am doing very well, still adjusting to this band. I had my first fill (tightening) on Thursday. Since then I've only been able to eat a small amount of food slowly. It's truly a different world for me, where throwing up will not be a part.

This blog needs to morph alongside me as I live a new life with my gastric band. I think I will expand the blog outward to a different kind of site that offers help and support for people with bulimia. What do you think?

I would love to hear some suggestions on creating a site that can help struggling bulimics. A place for news on bulimia and treatment. I know there are many bulimia blogs, and listing every blog would be a service. Maybe a message board too.

What do you think?

A glimpse of the other side

2008-12-10T15:44:00.002-06:00

I got my LAP-BAND almost three weeks ago.

I've lost 20 lbs in one month, which includes the pre-op diet for two weeks.

The pre-op diet was hell. I was starving and could eat only 750 calories a day. It was torturous BUT I DID IT.

The first week after being banded I was hardly hungry. A little broth and I was full. It was AMAZING! For the first time in my life, or as long as I can remember, I DID NOT THINK OR CARE OR OBSESS OR FEEL ABOUT FOOD. It was just, oh, I have to eat something. My mind was so clear.

For me, hunger is the enemy. It's always been the enemy with me.

The hunger has come back a little bit, but not so much where I am even thinking about bingeing. It is a different kind of hunger.

After about six weeks I can get the band filled, or tightened. Right now it is just on, but it's not really restricting my eating all that much. When they get it tightened just right, then I should hopefully feel like I did that first week.

I know that within a year I should be at my ideal weight. It is very exciting to know that, but also it's a bit scary. The most exciting part is knowing I can be happy with how I look on the outside. Maybe not perfect, but good enough that I feel it's worthwhile to do my hair, or makeup, or put on nice clothes. I've put on makeup twice in the past six months, and one of the times was to get my pre-operation photos taken!

I look at Fantasy Man Him and I am reminded again how much time I've wasted in my life. I have not been living but merely suffering as I fail to meet his expectations of perfection. I look at him and think, this man is not right for me at all. The more I come to know myself, the more I understand that. And I also remind myself that trying to live up to this WRONG PERSON has contributed enormously to my unhappiness and low self-worth. I'm not even going to write that maybe I have pegged him wrong and he will be right for me one day, as tempting as it is to still dream of that. Fucker.

I'm sure there are some people who think getting the Lap-Band was wrong, but I don't care. I know it was right for me. I am not some underweight anorexic but severely overweight - I need to lose at least 100 lbs. I needed this physical intervention as I gained more and more weight. It's not going to be easy, but I know that it will make it easier than it would have been.

love from me

Sometimes it feels good to cry

2008-11-11T11:40:00.000-06:00

Why am I unhappy?

I don't just mean now, with my stress and pre-op diet and all. I mean for years and years I have never truly been happy. Why? Because I'm starving for love.

Three times in my life I have uprooted myself to be with guys who are nothing more than flirtatious friends, derailing my life to spend years on each. At the slightest glimmer of love I respond like a starving person to cracker crumbs, inhaling them and desperately hoping for more. I get by on crumbs of love. Do you know what it has done to me inside each time I am ignored by these men. I have escaped the pain by living in an imaginary universe where it is me and him... All I want is for him to love me. Of course in my fantasy I have that perfect body and have never been fat, or depressed, or a slob, or a failure. This fantasy is all intertwined into a giant magic marshmallow that hugs me on the inside.

Contributing to my recent stress is the mounting realization that Current Him will never truly love me. Many times I have tried to tell myself it's not going to happen, but just as quickly as I do, I snap that thought away from my mind as though it were my hand touching a boiling hot stove. Or I'll tell myself I'm over him and decide to cheerfully go about my day without the schmuck. That lasts about 45 minutes before the love fantasy comes back in, numbing my hurt like emotional painkillers. The more I hurt, the stronger I dream. Combine that with the embarrassment and shame I feel for having this secret sick crush from afar, as I look with horror at the date and realize just how many years it has consumed me.

This is a big giant wad of poo.

Stretched Thin...

2008-11-11T00:24:00.002-06:00

I started my two-week pre-op diet Saturday. I am supposed to lose 5 percent of my body weight by eating about 800-900 calories a day. The first two days were OK but today I was so, so, hungry. I didn't cheat but I just felt so panicked by the hunger. For the past year I have eaten exactly what I wanted and I haven't been hungry at all. But now by Nov. 21 I have to be down 13 lbs or they won't do the surgery.

Right now I am under massive stress from five sources: my first job, my second job, my classes, my back pain and now this diet. I did something I never do: cry. I came home in the middle of the day and cried for about an hour about what a mess my life is and why I am in this situation. And then I slept for an hour after and felt much better.

Right now I have to work harder than I ever had in my life. That scares me. I'm scared of hard work. I don't hate hard work, I am just scared. I get behind in things and then dig myself into a hole and then I just get so overwhelmed I lose all ability to function.

is there a name for that?

A giant weight off my chest (and ass)

2008-11-02T23:20:00.002-06:00

Guess who is getting Lap Band surgery in three weeks... :-) MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

I can't effing believe it. I'm so excited. I've been working on this seriously for the past month or so, and ever since it set in that it's finally GOING TO HAPPEN, my eating habits have completely changed. Once I stopped worrying about the fact that I really need to lose weight, I stopped worrying about food. And I totally stopped bingeing.

All my anxiety about food has disappeared. I have been eating whatever I want, which hasn't been the most healthy, but it's not stuffing my face either.

I need to lose a lot of weight but I know the Lap Band is going to be there to help me feel full after a few bites. For the first time in my life that means no more diet frustration and failure.... No more panic at the feeling of hunger.

everyone I've told has been really supportive... hope you guys are too. I know this is going to work, which is not only exciting but very scary at the same time. Where will I be able to be without my food problems?

do you have to hit rock bottom before you get better?

2008-10-20T00:19:00.002-05:00

It seems like I every time I hit "rock bottom," I bounce. I vow to get better and I have a surge of improvement, only to eventually fall back on my crappy habits.

I am actually doing better for real. You know, I have been making my bed every day. It seems like such a small thing but it is a major step for a slob like me.

I need to go back on the Ambien ASAP. I stopped taking it for a few weeks when I jarred my back and got a refill on the hydrocodone. They recommended not mixing those so I had to choose and went with the pain-free insomnia.

I am still working toward the Lap Band.... I'm praying I can do it this fall. I am so big but looking forward to the Lap Band keeps me from being depressed.

lots o' love

I'm doing amazing

2008-09-27T01:11:00.002-05:00

The past few weeks have been so incredibly hard. I committed myself to changing my life and working my ass off. I'm working two jobs and taking four classes. So I CANNOT stay up late because I cannot sleep late anymore if I can make it through.

I wasn't able to sleep though, no matter how much I tried. I was dragging myself around and could barely keep my eyes open in class. I took some notes in class that I will post on here about how awful I was feeling. Then I started getting restless leg syndrome really badly and it was driving me insane at night, making the insomnia worse, and it even started spreading to my upper arms during the day. It was the grossest feeling. I went to the doctor about it and he prescribed some Ambien and VOILA!!!!!!!!! AMAZING!!!!!!!!!

I have been able to sleep when I want to and I wake up refreshed! So much so that I don't even need to drink tons of caffeine anymore. I feel like a normal person.

I will post more later... love to all

kicking my own ass

2008-09-07T08:16:00.002-05:00

I'm doing well, how about that?

I'm very very tired of struggling through things. Like I wrote before, the easy outs are no longer working for me in any way. It is time I put my intelligence to good use to solve the problems I have created. Before, my intelligence was working against me, finding the paths through the easy outs.

I'm smart
I'm awesome
I'm beautiful on this inside
underneath all this crap I've done to myself, I'm beautiful on the outside too

I hope you are all well and using your intelligence to help you, not hurt you...

Moving forward

2008-08-30T03:59:00.003-05:00

My birthday is in a few days. 32 years old. Wow. I'm so old.

There is one good thing about getting older. I'm getting more mature. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I feel like doing the things I didn't do before.

I'm finally taking care of my bills and my credit and doing an actual budget. This is a huge step for me because it was one of the most irresponsible and immature parts of my life - always living like only today mattered.

I finally feel like I want to be a grownup. For so long I used to always wish I could be a kid again, I wished I could go back in time and "start over." But my life is really not so bad. In fact I have a lot to be grateful for.

I feel, more than I have in the past, that I am ready to move on from an eating disorder. It doesn't fit me anymore. The problem is that it is very ingrained in who I am in my habits. The last time I didn't have any kind of eating problem, I was abiout 7 years old.

I really feel calmer and less anxious about who I am. Happy Bithrday to me.

what is the deal

2008-08-28T02:43:00.002-05:00

I'm growing up. I've made a few smart decisions this week and suddenly I feel much older and wiser.

it's soooo late, I can barely keep my eyes open or think straight, but I just feel so positive and wanted to post. My life is pretty good if I let it be.

I am realizing that the things I do because they are easy - procrastinate, be a slob, avoid studying or paying bills, not to mention binge and purge - are no longer "working" for me. I say "working" because they are self-destructive habits that I subconsciously employ for some purpose. Well they are no longer serving their purpose. Fuckers.

time to catch some zzzzs. I don't know why but I feel lucky, despite my problems. I am really pretty cool.

juiced

2008-08-05T01:35:00.002-05:00

I think I'm going to do a juice fast... I feel like crap after eating so much crap. I guess I will do my standard apple juice fast for three days. I just feel nasty right now. I need to stop drinking all sugar and soda again. It's just poison. I only drink diet soda but I think it is even more poisonous. Aspartame is evil.

I'm kind of nervous because I hurt my back a little somehow. Maybe I just slept on it wrong. It feels like muscle pain...

I'm really serious about the Lap-Band. I'm trying to get everything arranged so I can apply for a loan. I still have about $1,500 in bills to pay off from my back surgery. Did I mention how much I hate insurance?

love to everybody

amazing what one little pill can do...

2008-07-09T04:52:00.002-05:00

well four of them anyway.

After this terrible weekend of out of control eating, I took Prozac again for the first time in a week or so, full dose. Within 24 hours everything was "normal" - I had no desire to binge or stuff myself with food. Out of habit I ate much but it didn't quite work in that it wasn't that exciting. There was no binge high, and it was like what is the point of ever doing this?

I say everything was "normal" in quotes because it was so dramatically different than the previous few days... All I wanted to doing was binge on food and play with myself! Hah! But almost overnight I had no interest. I only had kind of an anxious feeling because I felt like I didn't have anything to do.

I've probably explained this all before but Prozac doesn't last long term for me. It stops working for me after awhile... the term the doctor told me is Prozac Poopout. It will just stop working - that is why I'm at the maximum dose because now the minimum amount has no effect whatsoever. After it stops working, to get the full effect again I have to stop taking it for awhile, let it leave my system and then start again. And it works. Dramatically. It's basically a cure, I don't know how else I could explain how drastically it changed my desires and behaviors. Obviously the food obsession and horniness are serotonin related and the Prozac stops both. This has to prove it is a medical problem with my brain, if a pill changes it.

What am I supposed to do?

can't stop eating, what else is new

2008-07-05T03:44:00.004-05:00

I can't stop eating... I'm constantly hungry.

I think I will soon be 300 lbs. Someone shoot me (or harpoon me).

Of course I haven't been taking the Prozac to control the hunger. I hate this disease or disorder or whatever you want to call it.

this shit blows

Oh wait, there is something new under the sun. Well not really... I drank tonight and last night! I usually never drink. I don't really like it. Doesn't do much for me. But last night and tonight I purposely drank more to get drunk. I was just thinking how socially acceptable it is to be an alcoholic. Well not acceptable but how common versus people with eating disorders. Aren't they kind of the same?

Stuck halfway up the mountain

2008-06-22T00:32:00.002-05:00

Why do I think the Lap-Band will take all my problems away? I guess I am tired of being hungry all the time.

I really am hungry all the time. Sometimes I can't sleep at night because my stomach hurts so much from the hunger. That can't be normal. It's like the fatter I get, the more my body needs to eat to feed each fat cell. Fuck you fat cells.

My foot is better in the boot. It doesn't hurt at all no matter how much I walk. Without it I can't walk without limping. It's a stress fracture by the way and not a clean break like the urgent care doctor said. I guess I will start riding the bike again.

I am a bit tipsy. I had two alcoholic drinks tonight with friends. Drinking makes me sad. What is that they say, it is heartbreaking to love so someone you can't be with who is far from you, but even more heartbreaking to love someone right next to you that you can't be with? Well if they don't say that, they should say something like that because it's true.

nite nite

One step forward, two steps back

2008-06-06T01:37:00.003-05:00

I've been doing well lately with eating, thanks to the Prozac. However I haven't been exercising over the past few weeks because my left foot has really been hurting... well guess what - it's fractured!!!!

I didn't do anything to it either except walk on it a lot. Actually my right foot starting hurting a lot, and so I was limping a lot onto my left foot, and then my left foot really starting hurting. It swelled up so I got it x-rayed and it's a clean fracture. So now I am limping again on my right foot and it's really hurting again too! Can you imagine if I have two broken feet?

And it's all because I'm so overweight. I'm sure of it. What else would cause it? It makes me so furious. I'm stuck at this weight. How am I supposed to exercise now?

I am almost crying writing this and I almost never cry, especially on the Prozac. This situation is just becoming hopeless. I need weight loss surgery and I know it would be successful, but my insurance refuses to pay for it and I don't have money either.

I don't know what to do.

This just in: Change is hard

2008-05-13T05:52:00.002-05:00

Well I am improving but it's not quite as easy as I imagine it will be. After exercising the first few days last week I didn't do anything! I ate OK I suppose but I've had a few slipups. I know it's time to change and I've got to rearrange and move my heart to what I'm gonna be (sha na na na na na na, sha na na na na na!) but it's SO damn hard.

My sleep is still beyond fucked up. That is really hurting my weight loss, I know. If you don't sleep enough or consistently your body can't metabolize worth shit. One person I know takes Lunesta and loves it. Yesterday (Monday) I slept till 5 p.m. 5! I was awake until about 4 a.m. I think... so I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm drinking a bunch of Diet Mountain Dew right now to try to make it through the day and then go to bed at a normal hour.

I'm really stressed about my weight. Nothing fits. I don't hate myself though. It's just shocking me when I see pictures. I don't know why, when I look in the mirror, I look half the size I really am. Only in photos can I see the real me and it's just AWFUL.

signed,
sad me

Yay for me

2008-05-08T04:20:00.004-05:00

I exercised again on Tuesday - I walked and rode the bike. I also did 10 minutes on the elliptical, but my back didn't feel too good afterward and I think it could be from that. My back has been pain-free now for months so any kind of feeling there freaks me out a bit.

I will continue with walking. I also need to get some new shoes. Did I mention my shin splints? Oy vey.

I've been eating OK. The Prozac immediately kills my cravings when I go on it. Unfortunately it doesn't last.

I think I'm going to expand this site this summer. Make it more of a portal. What do you think?

exercised again!

2008-05-07T03:33:00.004-05:00

Already I feel better and more upbeat emotionally. My feet are killing me with blisters... ouch.... and I have shin splints just from walking! I used to get them when I ran but now it's just from walking because I'm so out of shape. I have to stop every once in awhile because the pain is so bad.

Oh well despite that it's still enjoyable. I have a pretty good attitude about it because it's so nice to be able to exercise at all. My back is not hurting at all, knock on wood.

eating is already better too though I'm back on the Prozac and that is like 70 percent of eating well for me.

it begins AGAIN

2008-05-05T15:50:00.002-05:00

Well here I go again: I'm starting today to eat healthy and exercise. This is probably my 10,000 attempt at this but what else can I do? I am massive, and I don't mean that in a delusional eating disorder view. I'm around 250 lbs. I've never been this big and it's scary. Not only is it scary how instantly I got this big when I stopped working out, but it's scary to be this size. Sometime just standing up and walking across the room leaves me winded. Ugh!!! That's what I'm talking about: scary.

So today I started walking. Actually on Saturday night I walked to the movies, which is 1.3 miles there and back. Today I walked to work, which is about 1 mile away. I'm already getting blisters. My back doesn't hurt at all, but my knees and feet do.

I feel like working out a LOT but it is frustrating how out of shape I am. Today I will also ride the bike.

I don't know how to feel. My size is very depressing. I saw a picture of myself and it was frightening how massive I am. I almost cried. But at the same time I'm hopeful because I have all summer to enjoy getting back into shape. I haven't been working out because I've had a second job (which involved sitting at the computer snacking) but now that's over for the summer and I have more time.

I also started taking Prozac again which I hope will help me stop bingeing.

I still want to get the Lap-Band by the way. But I think I need to lose 25-50 lbs on my own first, or else I will have really saggy skin. I really have a fat stomach and I never really had that before. It's awful.

you can only do your best

2008-05-04T23:47:00.001-05:00

I haven't been doing my best... Why is it I keep forgetting that binging is a waste of time and harmful to my goal of losing weight? I keep excusing this behavior and saying I'll stop tomorrow, but tomorrow never comes.

just once I would like to do my best...

love to your all

tired and tired of it

2008-04-20T04:57:00.002-05:00

I'm stuck

I can't stop eating

I'm getting fatter and fatter...

I think I have diabetes too. I've never been so fat, I've never been so unhealthy, I've never felt so sick.

Yet I still can't stop.

I was going to write I don't know how to stop but I guess that's not true. I've stopped before. You just have to do it. I just can't I guess. I guess the only thing to do is try again... try or die.

I exercised!!!!

2008-03-18T00:36:00.002-05:00

Well I finally have some news to post. I haven't posted because I haven't really had any updates. Sorry for sucking.

The news is that I exercised! Really for the first time since my surgery... three months ago!!! Hah! Well I've tried walking and riding the bike before and it really hurt my back. The last time I tried riding the bike was about three weeks ago I think... I could only ride for about five minutes because it started really hurting. But today I rode the bike for one straight hour and it didn't hurt at all!!! Then I came home and cleaned a bunch, including shampooing the carpet. It hurt slightly but not much after that.

I don't know what to say. I feel like it's already been said.

I am massively fat... I've never been so fat. I'm still trying to get the Lap Band but in the meantime I've got to start moving. I feel like I'll never be able to lose this much weight. I know that is stupid, but it's just hard to start.

I love you all... hope you are doing fantastic.

What do you think it's like...

2008-01-19T02:39:00.001-06:00

to have a life that does not revolve around your weight and food? What do those people think about?

I didn't post my bulimic hell yet. I will soon. It was truly terrible.

I have never been so fat in my life. I am just not me. I never look in the mirror... it's just awful. I want Lap-Band so badly. Does anyone have piles of money where you can help me get it? I can't believe my insurance "excludes" it... how convenient.

I am sorry for all of you out there who struggle and hurt. I wish I could erase this ridiculous demon from existence.

Bulimia hell

2008-01-08T01:21:00.000-06:00

What do those two words mean to you? What is your definition of bulimia hell? Tell me and then I will post the situation that defines it for me.

To a girl who wrote me...

2008-01-07T08:00:00.001-06:00

This is what I replied to a 17-year-old Australian girl who wrote me asking for help:

Please seek help as soon as you can... get away from bulimia. It will take over your life and get worse and worse. It is called an eating "disorder" for a reason. Your body will become more and more screwed up over time - your eating and sleeping habits will become completely bizarre, and it will be hard to break this.

Please talk to your doctor or nurse or psychiatrist.... I recommend going on Prozac - it helps a LOT with the desire to binge.

-----------------

I wonder if I should start an advice column? Maybe I should write myself anonymously and maybe I'll actually take my own advice?????

bulimia is a suite in hell

2007-12-31T14:08:00.001-06:00

and I am checking out.

I am DONE, goodbye, farewell and fuck you, Mr. Eating Disorder.

Happy New Year to every one of you. May your 2008 be easy, breezy and pain free.

Love yourselves.

I haven't posted in 2 months.. yikes!

2007-12-09T22:51:00.000-06:00

well a lot has happened! after ending up in the emergency room with the worst back spasms, we finally discovered that the problem with my back is not a sprain but a herniated disc!!! and it's a very bad one at that. I'm having surgery a week from tomorrow to fix it.

I think this will be a good start for me... I will be doing physical therapy after surgery. I think I will appreciate being able to work out once more.

I'm still feeling pretty depressed sometimes... I'm unhappy with quite a few things. I need to make a lot of changes in 2008.

I hope you are all doing better. I promise to update this thing more often!!!

Guess who's back (back again)

2007-10-10T08:49:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I haven't posted in 2 months. Yikes.

Well I've really been struggling. Time is flying by and I've been getting fatter and fatter. Life seemed hopeless.

So I decided to give the lap-band a second thought and I'm going to do it, even though I have to pay on my own ($15,000, which I have to borrow from my boss). First I will do a few months of therapy.

I've thought about this for a long time, in depth. I know it will help me because it will help me feel full. I know that for whatever reason, my stomach is signaling my brain that it is not full, and my brain is signaling me to eat.

I know this will be a controversial decision around here but this is what I'm planning to do. Everything else I have tried has not worked.

this sucks

2007-08-13T04:22:00.000-05:00

I'm doing terribly, terribly. I'm falling apart. I am so depressed and I can't stop binging. My stomach hurts, my teeth hurts, my head hurts.

I wish I could win the lottery.

I don't know why I am the way I am... there is a way out, but I just can't get there. This sucks.

emotional + physical agony

2007-07-07T13:29:00.000-05:00

I'm doing pretty terrible right now because my cat has been missing since Monday (five days). He's three and is always around. He never goes far. I am terrified someone took him - there is a nasty old man who my neighbors say traps cats and kills them. I confronted him and he said he did not see my cat but I don't trust that piece of shit not to lie to me. I'm completely devastated and can't stop crying. I put up fliers and an ad in the newspaper but nothing. I called a pet detective who uses scent dogs to track missing animals. Unfortunately it's ridiculously expensive. Do I have any ridiculously wealthy readers who want to contribute $1,500 for the pet detective? If you don't have any money, please just pray for my baby.

OK then my physical pain. As I said my back has been hurting me. Well I went to the doctor and physio and they said it's not my back but that my tailbone is out of alignment. When I stand, my right shoulder is lower than my left shoulder. So my muscles and ligaments on my right side are inflamed and angry because they are compensating for the crooked tailbone. The physio tried to uncrook it but it didn't work. Not sure how I got it crooked, it might have been when I tried to run that one time. So basically I can't do anything physical until it pops back because it's atrociously painful/bad for me.

I'm really depressed. I'm so heartbroken that I don't really have an appetite. I've been taking three prozacs a day (I'm supposed to take 2, at most) to try to help me through it.

I just hurt.

1, 2, 3 - Hooray for me!

2007-06-25T23:32:00.000-05:00

Guess what guys... I'm doing pretty well! I have gotten into a good schedule and am going to bed and waking up early.

I feel good about myself... I figured out the only way to stop the bulimia cycle is to stop it COMPLETELY. You can't stop halfway.

I started the "Fat Smash" diet by the doctor on Celebrity Fit Club. It is pretty good. I'm eating small meals pretty often. After a week I've lost about 5 lbs. I haven't had the urge to binge at all. Well I have, but I didn't do it. I just eat a small amount of something else instead. Kellogg's Special K with chocolate bits is AWESOME for dealing with evening urges.

The only problem is my back. It is killing me again. I am working out through the pain but I don't see the point of laying around and being sedentary. It keeps spasming on me though. I'll see the doctor next week about it. Give me some painkillers!

Posting again

2007-06-16T10:42:00.000-05:00

I'm doing OK. I started over, basically. I'm feeling calmer and taking the Prozac regularly. Whenever I go off it I start to binge. Gee, what a coincidence!

I started working out again - cardio and weight machines - but my back started bothering me immediately. So I replaced the weight machines with back exercises and have still be doing cardio. My back is still bad but I bought these heat patches and they are AWESOME! My back gets so stiff I can't move but with the heat it's like the stiffness melts away. They actually get too hot but it's OK.

I wanted to try running and I could only run for a minute and a half before I had to stop. The machine even gave me a message - "running is not recommended at your weight." Hah! Insulted by a machine! Well, I weigh 220 lbs. Well gotta start somewhere.

love to everyone.

Starting over again

2007-05-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

I've been doing really badly and I have a few ideas WHY.

Number one, I realized that this "love" I feel for C3 is exactly what I've been doing for many years: creating feelings of love for a male friend/acquaintance who does not like me while simultaneously beating myself up for not being good enough for him. This creates a romantic relationship (in my mind) that at the same time prevents me/keeps me safely away from having a romantic relationship with someone else (a real one in which the feelings are mutual). Now why do I do that? I have to admit the crush feelings are like a drug, an opiate numbing my emotional pain. But it's a terrible, pointless cycle which leaves me feeling worthless about myself. At the end of it all I'm literally starving for lack of love. Starving for love leads to overeating.

Number two, if I do not eat properly, I have no chance of eating properly. That is to say, unhealthy eating creates a starvation of my brain. I can't think normally, I can't eat normally, I can't feel normally, I can't relate normally, I can't function normally. Then it all begins again! When will I learn? Well I have learned.

Finally, I can't do this alone. I can't get better without professional and emotional help and support. I can get some emotional support but but I don't have any money, so how can I get professional support?

I love my cats, I hate my life

2007-05-02T03:43:00.000-05:00

I just got home. I am sitting here with my cats. It is the first time all day I have felt love. They love me so much, they love me no matter what.

I am crying and it feels so good. It feels so good to cry.

I hurt. I really hurt.

I am angry at other people but I am angry at myself. I need to get angry at myself to change. There is a whole world out there for me.

I've really been struggling, struggling to find answers as to who I am and what I do... and why I do things I don't need to do and why I don't do things I need to do.

I am looking for the answers to so many questions. I don't know what is right and how to feel.

I need to start thinking practically. They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step...

God help me.

Lap (Band) Dance

2007-04-11T23:38:00.000-05:00

So I was seriously thinking about getting a Lap-Band. I'm officially fat enough and I even signed up for an informational seminar next week. Lap-Bands are like gastric bypass surgery except they don't do any cutting or bypassing, they just put a band around your stomach so it squeezes the top part into a little mini stomach. Then you can only eat a few bites until you're full.

I'm just not sure. It just seems like cheating. It wouldn't solve my problems with food. I would be so ashamed about it too. But if I was full after a few bites, wouldn't that help me not binge?

I don't know. I'm getting desperate. This morning I was totally convinced exercise and proper diet was the only to lose weight and that it IS still possible, but tonight as I write these words I am thinking that it all has to end. Maybe this would help me.

I really, really wish I had a guy who wanted to kiss me. Who wanted to hold my hand in public and have the whole world see.

this is not how I envisioned my life

2007-04-08T22:43:00.000-05:00

first off, I'm drunk.

secondly, I'm so fat.

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long. Do you know how hard it is to type this when you're as drunk as I am?

I've been doing pretty poorly. One good thing is that I started on the BC pills again. I went to Unplanned Parenthood and lied my ass off to get them. I told them I was having all sorts of sex. I even checked off "iin a long term relationship." Yeah with my hand! hah! But it's alot cheaper, $20 per month vs $140 for three months for the Seasonale. Anyway I think the pills are making me super de[ressed.Thatis not good. DId I mention I'm drunk...... We had an easter Party andI Drank somuch. I even danced with my sweet crush. He turned so fast I almost got dizzy.

YOu know whatis awesome? Law & Order: Criminal Intent. It's super awesome. It should be bottled and sold as an awesome energy drink.

i"m so incredibly fat. as I was saying, I started working out and lost a few pounds but now I"m feeling depressed probably because of the MFing homornal birth control pills.

I think I will be alone forever. Nobody has written asking where I've been so I guess that means nobody misses me.

............... it hurts, I wish i iknew if i loved hiim or if it is infatuation

I'm sorry

National "You'll Never Get Over Your Eating Disorder" Awareness Week

2007-03-02T03:46:00.000-06:00

I haven't been doing too hot. I just don't feel like getting better... well that's not true. I'm just in a big fat funk.

I don't think I have an eating disorder. I think I just have a food disorder. If I could just stop eating junk I wouldn't feel so crappy, and I wouldn't want to eat more crap.

It's almost 4 am and I'm still awake. This sucks.

sorry I haven't posted.

I am sick!

2007-01-29T12:32:00.000-06:00

OK, I feel like complete crap and I know now there is something physically wrong with me. I'm not sleeping right, my head hurts, my stomach hurts, I'm achy and completely exhausted. And you know what, I think I've felt this way all along! Like, for years!

I suspect the only reason I know I feel this bad now is because I had that period after the gallbladder flush where I did *NOT* feel this way.

I just feel nasty and I refuse to believe this is all in my head and that I am afraid to get better or whatever. I do believe it has something to do with my liver... So I'm still doing that one-day detox. I realized I'm going to be out of town next weekend so I can't do the detox then, I'll do it next Monday instead. So my seven days of pre-detox starts today.

The only hard part of the pre-detox is no caffeine... yikes! I'm so tired.

back to detox

2007-01-27T01:36:00.000-06:00

So I'm going to try to do some more detoxing... I felt so incredible after that first liver/gallbladder flush, and I feel so shitty in comparison. I have no doubt my whole digestive system is fucked up, and I think cleaning my liver is the key.

I bought a book called Fast Track Detox by Ann Louise Gittleman, who wrote the Fat Flush Plan. I wanted to buy that one but it was twice as expensive (hard cover) and I am broke for a few more days until payday. I figured I might as well start with the one-day plan.

It's a one-day detox but you have to do seven days of preparation first, where you eat foods that help your liver and colon. Broccoli, apples, citrus, flaxseed oil etc. No milk or alcohol which shouldn't be too hard, but no caffeine either. I've been enjoying coffee in the morning but I'll have to give it up. I'm starting tomorrow. I feel like crap!!!!

Anyway, I'm reading the book and it's fascinating. She talks about how the foods we eat have been so screwed up with added chemicals and hormones that our bodies' internal weight management system is out of balance and causes us to overeat and always feel hungry... exactly what I suspect is going on with me. Everybody go buy this book!!! Or at least go to the bookstore and sit down and read it.

I'll report back in the next week about how it goes. Lots of love...

still feel like crud

2007-01-23T00:34:00.000-06:00

I think I'm getting my period. I can't believe how low I feel. This sucks. My next $150 goes to refilling my Seasonale prescription. Fuck this!!!

frustration...

2007-01-20T23:36:00.000-06:00

I'm overeating and purging and I don't know why... I'm not really bingeing, just overeating at mealtime. What is going on? What's wrong with me? God I suck.

when it's time to change, you've got to rearrange...

2007-01-16T12:25:00.000-06:00

...move your heart to what you're gonna be!

I'm thinking I need to change this blog a bit. I feel like I've moved past the day-to-day bulimia struggle and my new efforts are on healing my body through nutrition and fitness. I think I need a new design for this site.

Of course I'm still not cured, but I feel much different. All my slipups are caused by not eating or eating processed foods. By the way I also tried soda for the first time since Christmas - I could not even finish a small glass! It tasted like poisoned syrup.

Speaking of nasty, last week I tried to do the apple juice fast again. I did three days of only apple juice but each day I had a bowl of chicken noodle soup for dinner because I was starving. Anyway, when it came time to drink the oil on the third night, I couldn't do it! I started drinking it and immediately threw it up! I think it reminded me of how disgusting I felt after I drank it last time. Luckily I was in the kitchen and next to the sink. I guess the fast is a one-time thing because I'm sure I can never get pure olive oil down again. Yuck!

My next thought is to do a small intestine cleanse. I read about this product, Okra-Pepsin-E3, and how it cleans the junk stuck to your intestinal walls that may be preventing nutrients from being absorbed.

Here is a link to the article: Cleansing The Small Intestine

Hope you're all welling!

love
Mandy

this is still hard

2007-01-11T20:16:00.000-06:00

I realize I got caught up into thinking I was "cured" and "fixed." Maybe I will never be fixed. It really did get much easier... but this apple juice fast is hard!!! I'm starving! I want Chinese food so badly!

It was much easier the first time, probably because I was laying around the house (because of my back) and not doing much physically. Now I'm running around and I feel like I am going to faint. Maybe I should start tomorrow? See that is the crap in my head.

You have to read this article about procrastination... it's totally me:

I impulsively procrastinate

OK I'm going to drink the rest of this apple juice and if I still feel dizzy I'll get some real food.

Wow, still welling.

2007-01-11T02:47:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't posted lately. The past few weeks have been really exciting... There has been no up and down, it's just been "normal" which is anything but normal for me. I've been feeling fantastic, but not quite as fantastic as before my Christmas junk-food marathon. Today was not a good day. I distinctly felt like "how I did before." It was a physical feeling. So I've decided to do another gallbladder flush... they say you should do a few to get all your gallstones out.

I've started working a bit on my book, jotting down ideas. Mostly I'm trying to think of things that I wish I had known a long time ago. I've never been more convinced that bingeing/bulimia is a result of a physical state the brain/body is in. I wish someone had told me that.

I'm thinking of changing this site a bit and making it more of a portal for information about bulimia and scientific studies and all that... Here is an interesting one:

Bulimia Tied to Sex Hormone

I hope you all are welling! :-D

no guilt...

2006-12-28T02:43:00.000-06:00

it's funny, I don't feel any guilt for eating like crap the past few days. I know it won't continue when I get home. I don't WANT to eat junk food... my body just wants it because it's what I've been eating and it's what's available to me!

If I go home and immediately start eating better, maybe I don't really have any emotional attachment to food. I was eating compulsively because I was craving food because I was undernourished (because I had been eating junk to begin with).

I'm going to skip all the way to the health food store. Yippee!!!!

yuck yuck yuck

2006-12-25T05:33:00.001-06:00

I've been eating junk food and I can't believe how nasty I felt. I went from having quite a bit of energy on Saturday to being dead and sluggish on Sunday with a terrible headache. I felt tired, cranky and constantly wishing I could take a nap. Not only that, instead of wanting less junk food, I wanted more! The more you eat it, the more you PHYSICALLY need it.

It's really interesting looking at this from a physical logical standpoint instead of an emotional one. I can see the necessity behind the binges now. Wow.

I can't wait to get out of here... It's really hard being around all this junk food. But at the same time, it's reinforcing my theories.

four more days and I go home!

Happy Birthday to me! (plus Chernobyl pee)

2006-12-23T21:27:00.001-06:00

wow, yesterday this blog turned ONE YEAR OLD!!!!! I started it on a whim on Dec. 22, 2005. I can't believe how time has flown by... and fortunately I finally am moving ahead.

I'm still doing great! I cannot believe how much energy I have and how easy it has been to go to sleep and wake up. Unfortunately the last few days have been hectic... I've been snacking on lots of chocolate and other treats. (Still no soda, though!) But I've noticed myself feeling kind of crappy and nauseous. And not only that, the more junk I eat the more I crave it. Right now I'm at the airport and I just ate at Sbarro... yuck! I did have some steamed vegetables to go with the pizza, but still, I feel so sick! I WANT MY ORGANIC SOUP!!!! Oh I dropped some hints and got a gift certificate for the local health food store from my boss for $75! Yay!!!!!! I'm so stoked.

Ok so I cannot get this book idea out of my head. I have a lot of ideas. The first part is to write it of course, duh. But does anyone have any experience with the publishing industry?

So I started taking a daily vitamin a few days ago, and my pee is radioactive yellow. It freaked me out at first but I googled it and it's because of the vitamin B2.

Oh also someone gave me a really cool pedometer they weren't using... It's really nice and automatically resets at midnight, plus it remembers the past five days. Today I've had 6,287 so far. I've been trying to get to 10,000... yesterday I was close, 9486!!

it's suddenly hard to blog...

2006-12-18T23:17:00.000-06:00

I'm so welling. (I meant to write "I'm doing so well" just now, but it came out as "I'm so welling." I like that expression so I'll keep it.) But I've been avoiding blogging and I realized it's because I'm so afraid it will all go poof and disapppear and I'll be back where I was, stuck, driving in circles with no way out.

This is what I'm afraid to write, lest it go away: I'm getting better. Bulimia is leaving me and this time it is for real. I am finally physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and nutritionally able to let it go.

Holy shit. My heart is pounding just writing those words.

The thing is, I'm not on a "perfect" streak either. You know, when you're fresh out of the gate on a new diet and you're doing fantastic and sticking to it to the letter... I'm just kind of trying things. I've had a few cookies at the office, a piece of fudge at the mall. But it was all very small amounts. See I have been eating so well and often that I'm never hungry. Before, I would be starving and as soon as I tasted one piece of chocolate, I would need to eat everything around me. I've even binged and purged a couple times, and it was not the same. It didn't feel right. I thought about why it happened and it was pretty easy to figure out. The first time, I let myself go too long without food, and the second time, because I had no other plans and I got caught up in the excitement of it. The next day was the same thing, I had no plans, so I made plans to go to the movies... by myself!! Since I had that to look forward to, I had no desire to think about food.

How am I doing this? For the first time in almost 20 years, I am not on a diet.
I'm eating whenever I want. I am never letting myself get to the point where I'm starving, and it's not because I've been eating a lot. It is the quality of the food and not the quantity I've been eating. I am not drinking diet soda, I am not eating fat-free pudding or low-fat yogurt. No more products with aspartame or artificial whatever. I'm telling you, it's poisonous. I'm eating organic food and it tastes good. I stopped drinking top water - I'm even using filtered water to make noodles and rice.

I can fall asleep at night at a normal time. When I get up in the morning, I don't have to drag myself out of bed. Even if I happened to stay up late the night before, I can STILL get up. Of course I want to stay in bed, but I do get up like a normal person. Before, I would be so dead in the morning it was like I couldn't physically get up. I have so much energy throughout the day. I WANT to do things.

I don't even know how to explain it except I'm happy. And the thing is what I did is so simple and easy. Stop dieting. I am more convinced than ever that bulimia is a PHYSICAL disorder and not a mental "problem." Yes, mental problems and learned behavior accompany it. However, simply willing myself to stop and "change" is as impossible as willing myself to fly.

I am sorry I have felt so bad about myself for so many years because I am a great person. For so long I have felt like a complete loser. I was guilty and ashamed and that is no longer the case. Is it possible I found a "cure"? I don't know that what is working for me will work for everyone. Is it possible this advice is already out there and I just ignored it? I swear, nobody ever explained it to me in a way that made sense.

I hope that, wherever you are, you are all welling too. But if you're not, please know that you are physically sick, and for this you have no reason to be ashamed. Stand up, keep trying and find your own cure.

aspartame can kiss my ass

2006-12-12T23:40:00.000-06:00

Sorry I haven't updated lately... I'll write a longer post tomorrow!

Anyway I'm doing really well... holy shit, REALLY well! I think I owe it all to going organic. I can honestly say I never, ever want to taste Diet Coke again. The thought of having anything with ASSpartame makes me sick. I haven't been perfect but it's been surprisingly easy. I'll write all the details later.

To those who asked about the cleanse, google "gallbladder flush" or "liver cleanse" and you'll get lots of info about how to do it. Some cleanses are longer than others - I chose one that was shorter, because I figured it would be easier to stick to. You can find it here: Gallbladder Cleanse

I'm actually thinking of doing it again in a week. They say it takes a couple times to get all of them out. Even though drinking that oil was nasty, it is definitely worth it.

I need to go to sleep now. I have been doing fantastic with my sleep. I actually sleep like a normal person. Part of me is afraid this won't last, but I have never felt so optimistic about recovery as I do right now.

Ho ho ho... Green Giant

2006-11-29T05:51:00.000-06:00

OK despite all the disgustingness of drinking that nasty half cup of olive oil (oh my stomach still curdles remembering!), it was evidentally worth it. Today I got a visit from what looked like peas floating in the toilet! They are of different sizes and shapes but most are the size of one or two peas, except for one that was the size of a large marble! Ewww. They are all green, which apparantly indicates a healthy liver, while black ones mean the liver is sick.

I thought about saving them to take a pic but it was just too nasty. (In response to Michelle's comment, let me remind you these are not kidney stones... the place the stones come from is identical on men and women!). So you will just have to trust me that this cleanse works. If any of you have suffered pain in your right side after eating, try it.

I heard of a suggestion that you should think of three good things that happened every day, so I am trying to do that each night. It really has made me smile to remember and it is not hard to think of things, even when I'm just staying at home and resting. Yay to the power of positive thinking.

eww eww eww eww (repeat 1000 times)

2006-11-28T02:47:00.000-06:00

I think I've finally found a way to permanently ruin my appetite. Like I mentioned I am doing this gallbladder cleanse, and I made it through three days of drinking just apple juice and water. Tonight (the third night) I had to drink a half cup of pure olive oil. Oh god just remembering makes me nauseous... Plus I still taste the olive oil. It was so disgusting, oh so nasty. I calculated it and it is more than 100 grams of fat!!!!!! Barf. Then I had to follow it with a 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice (that actually tasted good at first but ewww too) and then go to bed and lay on my right side for 5 hours. I have to put a pillow under my hips to slant so it's impossible to sleep. Also I feel totally gross and nauseous.

All I have to say is I had better see results tomorrow! If you want to see what gallstones look like, here is a link to the page of the cleanse I did with photos.

Yesterday's blog got a good comment from Lee, about my body being out of whack:

it occurred to me that your body (and brain) are trying to tell you something's out-of-wack nutritionally. The more I read of your posts, the less inclined I am toward believing this is strictly an ED issue. This sounds less like an inability to control your food intake and more as if a part of your brain literally believes you are starving.

This is a really good point, and something I've heard before, but now that I want to get better I really need to address it. Just as I've been pampering my back lately, I need to pamper my body nutritionally...

PS eww gross eww gross eww gross

Detox rocks

2006-11-26T20:08:00.000-06:00

So I'm taking the next week off to rest my back. I started resting on Wednesday and it's already much better! I have hardly any pain, except when I drove to the store. I think with a few more days it will really heal.

So while I am off my feet I decided to do this thing called a gallbladder flush. Remember how I had recurring stomach pains and had to go on that BRAT diet (bananas, rice, applesauce and toast)? Anyway for this flush for three days you drink nothing but organic apple juice and distilled water (up to one gallon of both each day). Then on the evening of the third day you drink some oil and some lemon juice and lay on your right side.

Anyway I started that yesterday and it's been going alright. I had to go to the health food store for the real apple juice. I noticed the food seems to be higher quality, and I spent a lot more time looking at everything. Also the store is close enough that I can walk to it if I only need a few things.

I googled "organic" and "eating disorder" and came up with something interesting:

A 1993 study, published in Biological Psychiatry by Professor of Clinical Psychiatry at Northeastern Ohio Universities College of Medicine, Ralph G. Walton, M.D. shows: "Administration of this substance [aspartame], has also been associated with aggression and bingeing." An evolving view in modern psychiatry is that although depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, impulse control disorders and eating disorders have been viewed as separate entities, they should be viewed as a continuum of disorders - all involving some degree of dysregulation of serotonin. "I believe there is overwhelming evidence that aspartame contributes to this dysregulation," said Dr. Walton.

I looked up asparatame and it seems to be quite nasty. Unfortunately is in my most favorite drinks, Diet Mountain Dew and Diet Coke.

So it got me to thinking... what if all my food is full of poisons and my depression is related? I've decided to try to shop for organic food only and avoid Walmart at all costs except for bulk items like paper towels etc. It's worth a shot...

Everything happens for a reason

2006-11-24T02:28:00.000-06:00

I really do believe that.

I think this back injury happened to force me to wake up and realize how I (mis)treat my body. I abuse the shit out of it so it makes sense that something, somewhere is going to go wrong.

I've also learned from my inability to cope with the situation. I can barely keep it together under normal conditions because my eating disorder is such an attention whore. I keep it together, barely. But add one more major stressor and it's total meltdown.

I've also learned that with some of my friends, I was trying to "fit" them. I need to find friends who fit me - fortunately I do have a few, and today I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to have them.

It makes me feel both good and sad to read the comments I get here... when people write to say they identify with me. That feels good, like there is someone out there holding my hand even I can't see them. But it makes me sad to know that just like me, they are another person lost and suffering on their own.

And then I get mad and I think, we have to change this. We have to make it so people know bulimia is not a sentence they've been forced to serve for a crime they may or may not have committed. Bulimia and depression are not personality defects, or a sign of a bad or weak person. I hate it when people make me feel like that. Fuck them.

And then I realize that I like to feel that anger, that pissed off feeling that is not guilt. It means there is still a fighter inside me, a tough person who still can turn this thing around whenever she is ready.

I want to get better and I want to take you all with me.

still depressed

2006-11-19T01:22:00.001-06:00

...so depressed I don't have the creativity to think of something clever as a title. I have no energy. It took me days just to write this entry.

I've been completely immobile because my back is still sprained, plus now I'm having problems with my hips. It hurts to walk.

I wish I could run and exercise. I can't believe how much I took my health for granted.

...still bingeing and purging of course because it gets my endorphins up, at least temporarily.

I'm not exactly sad, just depressed. I don't really care about much of anything. I wish I could cry but I'm taking too much Prozac, though it's not really working well.

I have more to write and explain but I'm done typing now.

Prozac Poop Out

2006-11-04T00:50:00.000-06:00

This is the real term they use for when Prozac suddenly and mysteriously stops working for a patient, and what I'm going through right now. It just stopped working for no reason except it wanted to. I know it's not working because not only am I constantly hungry, I do feel depressed and lethargic, AND horny as hell! (If anyone has had the same experience as I with antidepressants, you'll know feeling randy is not a common occurrence when you're popping the happy pills.)

So my back injury... I think it's related. I read that people with depression are more likely to have back problems, and that the depression lowers your pain inhibitors or something so you are feeling the pain more than another person. I actually have an excuse not to exercise - my doctor said to even avoid walking as much as possible. Right now my best friend is the heating pad. Aaaah relief...

But still the bulimia continues. Every night I swear it's over.... but then the next day I'll be off on some food hunt, my mind blocking out that promise to stop. If some brain cell tries to stand up and think "hey hello you know you don't want to do this" the other brain cells jump on it and kick it until it dies. Those brain cells must be bigger and stronger and meaner because they always make that little thought go away quickly and easily.

By the way my appetite is more proof that the Prozac isn't working... Not only am I hungry but I have CRAVINGS like you wouldn't believe. In the past two weeks I've had to hunt down (not in any particular order) pancakes and french toast (twice), Thai food, Indian food (that was tonight) and movie theater hot dogs -- all after dreaming about them for days. What the fuck, brain?!

Anyway in my remorseful moments I've been making some efforts... First I found out that there is a really good treatment center about two hours from here, that happens to be on my PPO provider's network! Yay! I called them and they have a waiting list that goes into next year. Awww.

My next idea was a day treatment plan - I did that once five years ago for about a month (before I left like a fucktard, thinking I was cured). There is one offered at a hospital about 30 min away. I called and asked if they offered support for eating disorders and they said yes. Yay! Wow, I was so excited. I went there and met with their intake person. She said that, contrary to what I was told on the phone, they don't really specialize with eating disorders but are mostly for people who are suffering from depression and/or substance abuse, and the average stay is about a week. Not only that, no food is provided. And not only THAT, but my insurance only pays for 60% of it and it's almost $300 a day!!!! Without meals and only going to 3:30...

So today I called and left a message for a psychologist in my town who specializes in ED. She used to work at the university health center before she went into private practice... (ca-ching) I had called her before like two years ago and found out she didn't take insurance and she did not operate on a sliding scale (ca-ching, ca-ching!) But now I think I will have to come up with the money somehow, because I am running out of options. I am killing myself with food - I am up to 215 people!!!!!!!!!! Help me.

God why can't I cure myself??? It would be so cheap!!!!!!

this sucks

2006-10-28T18:33:00.000-05:00

I'm doing terrible.

I hurt my back again really badly and this time I can barely walk. I'm really becoming depressed.

I am gaining about 2-3 lbs per week, no lie. I now weigh 213!!! Ahhh! Maybe I could have weight loss surgery.

I'm so depressed........ I'm taking my medication but still I feel very depressed.

a tad mad and sad... but mostly glad

2006-10-08T23:14:00.000-05:00

So anyway I wanted to bring up how on Tuesday I had a meeting with my boss about all this stuff that was going on (aka my wanting to quit, lack of motivation, etc). I had felt much better anyway because I had slept it all off Monday night and had decided to change my attitude before I talked with him anyway.

Anyway he basically told me that nobody at work likes me anymore! He said "everybody used to like you, in fact everybody who meets you likes you a lot at first, but then they start to resent you" because I miss too much work and sleep too much. Can you believe that? I was pretty shocked to hear that but I've been thinking about it the past few days.

And you know what? FUCK THEM! Fuck them up the ass with cactus plants. I seriously don't even WORK with most of them. It's a small company so they know if I'm not there, but if I didn't go to work for a month straight it would have no effect on their work load, their hours, their pay, etc. Our jobs are totally different and require completely different skills. Additionally, their work is mostly manual labor and requires little to no education or training. I could learn to do what they do in one day. In fact, people learn it in one day. My job involves about 500 skills requiring research, technology and software knowledge and they could never learn how to do it in 10 years. Also, they get paid by the hour, and I know for a fact that they screw around instead of working and fudge their time cards.

Anyway that's not the point. The point is, my boss is the only one I really need to worry about liking me and feel bad about disappointing. He understands my situation, he knows about my bulimia and depression and is endlessly patient. I feel bad about letting him down for so long and I have. However I don't owe my coworkers (I'm talking about the ones I don't actually work with) jack shit.

I used to really care what these people though because some of them I thought were my friends. However, I think they have shown themselves to be not true friends. Seriously, who am I hurting by living a depressed and disordered life? ME! I am literally killing myself. And they are resentful? Give me a fucking break. Talk about petty.

The point is... there are people in life who are your true friends. One day when I am better, and I WILL get better, I will be able to thank a few people for standing by me and supporting me through it all. My boss for one.

As I was sitting here thinking about all these people, I felt such a feeling of happiness come over me. I realized that despite the petty people, I have a group of people who do NOT make me feel like crap. They know me and my shortcomings, and even if I drive them crazy or disappoint them, they still make me feel good when I am around them. I am so grateful for that and these people. It feels me with warmth.

But the main thing to realize is... you don't owe anyone anything! You owe it all to yourself first. The whole world is out living their lives and even if people are disappointed in you or worried by your behavior, you shouldn't care if you are not worried about YOURSELF. Bulimia is caused by and thrives on low self-esteem. It is the epitome of low self-esteem to be worrying about other people's thoughts and feelings about how you abuse yourself physically and mentally. Think about that for awhile - it's ludicrous!

Anyway I don't care anymore about those fucktards and it feels so good. And at the same time, it does make me see how there are people who DO have a right to complain about my not working hard, e.g., the people I actually work with. I feel bad about that and want to try to make amends.

I need to write a book. Do you guys think any of this stuff I spew is actually helpful? It's helpful to me at least.

break on through

2006-10-04T06:54:00.000-05:00

I didn't sleep at all on Sunday night and was super stressed out all day Monday. You know when you're sleep deprived and it's kind of like a dream? I was really mad and resentful... but the weirdest thing happened. I woke up on Tuesday morning feeling fantastic. All my anger was gone and I didn't care anymore! It was like everything came into focus. I see now I was stubbornly refusing to fix my problems and change. Changing my life was absolutely not going to happen. Now I feel like like it is absolutely not NOT going to happen!

I was spending so much time thinking about what people think about me and being accepted... being good enough. And resenting everybody for my unhappiness. When I woke up... all that was gone! I don't care what people think! I totally don't care!

How did this happen? I don't know except I'm guessing I blew an overloaded fuse. I really think you do have to let go, but I don't know how to tell you guys to do that. I think you have to start caring less about other people and allow yourself to imagine life without them. You realize other people are living their lives and you are not and what that truly means.

Ok, I also think the combo of uninterrupted Prozac and Seasonale is having its impact. You can't heal a broken bone without a cast to stabilize it.

you know you haven't blogged in awhile when...

2006-10-01T04:48:00.000-05:00

when blogger asks you for your username/password. Sorry.

Someone awhile back posted a really good comment. They asked something like, why is it that you binge? What are you missing in your life? Is it lack of activity?

I have decided that yes, of late it is definitely lack of activity. My life is currently so dull that food is literally THE most exciting thing that can happen to me.

School and work keep me busy and challenged, but it's not exciting. I don't have any close friends nearby. I would like to be dating someone, but I'm trapped in this fat cycle instead. I haven't even bothered to put on makeup or make my hair look nice in months.

So what do I do to create excitement in an otherwise dull existance?

I would really like to make exercise exciting and appealing. How do I do that?

I'm actually doing well

2006-09-19T00:31:00.000-05:00

My life has been going so normal that I forgot to blog!!!!

Now that I'm back on Prozac and Seasonale, life is good. I started working out again and I haven't binged lately.

I don't know what's "wrong" with me because everything is going right! Well that's not true. I am still extremely tired and want to sleep allllllll the time.

I'm super ugly and super fat unfortunately. But I can't do anything about it except do what I have been doing - exercise and eat right.

love,
me

thirtysomething

2006-09-04T22:28:00.000-05:00

I'm 30! I don't even know what to write. I think I've written everything already about being inspired to get better and make a new start, blah, blah, blah.

Maybe it's just time to get better. I guess I've waited long enough, don't you think?

Mind of Mand-i-a

2006-08-29T01:48:00.000-05:00

I got a nice blog comment yesterday about how I'm so funny. It's true... I'm hysterical. I wish I had more friends who appreciated my sense of humor. Cuz gosh darn it, I'm funny.

I have a hard time being quiet in class... still. Growing up, I remember one kid used to tell me for years that I would end up a comedian. Other kids used to tell me to shut up. If you weren't popular, you weren't allowed to be a class clown. They didn't want to see you or hear you.

I'm watching X-Files. That show is awesome. I would like to have a standing list on this site of things that are officially deemed awesome.

I'm going to write that I've been tentatively doing great the past few days. As soon as I went back on the Prozac and Seasonable, it's been a huge improvement. I'm still hungry a lot but it's not a desire to binge.

One of my favorite lines from my favorite musician is "If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." I feel like I can use my writing to explore bulimia, not just mine but it as a whole.

My birthday is in a week. I will have to change the "about" thing to say I am 30. How can I be 30? That doesn't make sense. Me being 30 is freakier than any X-Files premise.

P.S. The most awesome thing of all may be hot men with English accents. I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean 2 finally. Too bad you can't go to the concession stand and order a small popcorn, medium Diet Coke and a large dildo. Holy hell! Hot hot hot! I shall write a Shakespearian sonnet about how Orlando and I should get it on 500 times. Get thee to Mandy!

pot of gold at the end of the (reading) rainbow

2006-08-26T21:32:00.000-05:00

I started reading "Bulimia: A Guide to Recovery" by Lindsey Hall & Leigh Cohn again. It is the only book about bulimia I've ever read that actually makes sense. I got it about two years ago.

Anyway I just started reading it again... In the back there is a two-week guide to stop bingeing. The whole idea fills me with immediate... FEAR. I just can't imagine giving up bulimia. I mean, say it's gone and I don't have an eating disorder. What the fuck will I do then? Who will I be then?

I still want to binge. I'm so bored. I guess I will just sit here and read and have more deep thoughts.

Little Miss Bulimic

2006-08-26T01:34:00.000-05:00

I started school this past week.... I think it will be a good semester. I am really excited about my classes because they are pretty interesting. I've still been compulsively bingeing/purging. I am so fat, 205. I feel terrible. I look like such a slob, always wearing t-shirts and sweats. I was walking across campus this morning and I just felt terrible about myself. As in, don't I have any pride in my appearance? In taking care of myself? I hope the weather will cool down soon and I'll feel like going for walks at night. I always do my best thinking and head-clearing when I walk. It's been so hot, like 95 degrees at 11:00 p.m.

Tonight I went to see a great movie, Little Miss Sunshine. It was so simple and yet so funny and uplifting... Everybody go see it!

I will post again soon... more deep thoughts from Jack Mandy.

I'm kinda doing better

2006-08-16T23:18:00.000-05:00

Well I got my period, and the storm has passed. It was terrible the past few days... no matter how much I ate, I couldn't be full. I absolutely cannnot live without Seasonale... it's just so freaking expensive!!!

I had a lot of interesting thoughts... but I'm too tired to remember them now. I'll post again tomorrow.

I'm sucking

2006-08-10T01:54:00.000-05:00

I'm really doing badly. I am dreaming of a treatment center. There is a really good one about two hours away.

My head hurts.

Prozac nation

2006-08-06T03:58:00.000-05:00

I've come to realize recently that I'm not taking the Prozac as consistently as I should be. I usually take it like every other day and not the same time every day. So I've recommitted to taking it every night. However I was chatting with Beth (who kicks ass by the way) and she was telling me about Cymbalta... so I googled Cymbalta and bulimia and found this super awesome site:

Remedy Find: Bulimia

Everybody go on there and talk about what works for you and what doesn't work for you! We need to help each other out with our first hand experiences because let's face it, what the doctors do is pretty much trial and error.

I did a real work out today at the gym for the first time in a long time... 20 min on the eliptical machine. Awesome! Then I came home and cleaned. Awesome! I ate a healthy and satisfying dinner. Awesome! Then I cooked about 100 lbs of this macaroni, chili and spaghetti sauce concoction. I suck at life! Seriously lately it's like I cannot feel full until I've binged and purged repeatedly. The more I try to get better, the worse I get. Maybe it's like quicksand... struggle and you sink faster, stop struggling and you'll float to the surface.

For my birthday, I would like an all-expense paid stay at a treatment facility. I wonder if they have ones where you can bring your pets? They should make a Carnival cruise ship for ED recovery. You don't get off the boat until you're better. That would kick ass.

Anyway I'm thinking I'm going to look into Cymbalta. The thing about Prozac is that it works great at first and then it stops working. I don't understand this. Is Cymbalta better? Ugh a new medication... I feel like such a freak.

Thanks for the supportive messages... it means so much to me.

I'm stuck, stuck, stuck!

2006-08-03T19:29:00.000-05:00

I started working out again and I'm trying to do everything right. I'm eating regularly and not letting myself starve.

But at the same time I can't stop bingeing... I don't know why. The more I try not to the more I do it.

I'm so tired of this. I keep waiting to snap out of it but I never do.

crunch time

2006-07-27T02:20:00.000-05:00

sorry I haven't been posting... it's the last week of my summer school course and I'm working triple overtime to pass it. I've been awake forever and a year.

I keep thinking about my book, my purpose and all that. I am still serious about it. I need to write a book for myself, even if it sucks ass and never gets published.

My broken is brain.

it's time for a big fat freak out

2006-07-19T10:38:00.000-05:00

I decided to weigh myself this morning just to check. 203... 203... 203... What the hell? I have not been over 200 in like three years.

I want to work out so much but I have absolutely no energy... this heat wave is killing me!!! It's like 110 every day. It's 90 even at midnight.

Not only that but the person staying with me left to go home this morning. She was just here visiting for a few months. Now I am living by myself again which means I will be BORED and LONELY and I will COOK and BAKE and BINGE and PURGE in a never ending cycle of wasted time and money.

I don't know what to do. I'm so exhausted.

bulimia is good... at ruining your life

2006-07-17T01:58:00.000-05:00

I saw that you've had bulimia for quite awhile. Have you had any really bad side effects?

To answer this question, I've decided to do a rundown of what bulimia does to your body as found on www.helpguide.org and whether or not I've experienced it. Actually these are called complications and not side effects.

* an imbalance in electrolytes...CHECK
* inflammation of the esophagus, salivary glands, and jaw...CHECK
* problems with teeth, gums, and lips...CHECK
* chronic irregular bowel movements due to abusive laxatives...NO
* feelings of shame and guilt...CHECK
* depression...CHECK
* low self-esteem...CHECK
* damaged family and social relationships...CHECK

I've had all of these except for the laxative ones b/c I've never abused those.

Would you like to see my teeth? I can probably spit them out and mail them to you. I don't have dental insurance and can't afford to see a dentist.

flavored water rocks my socks off!!!

2006-07-12T00:11:00.000-05:00

Have you tried any fruit-flavored waters? They are SOOOO yummy! I am hooked on Dasani Raspberry. The weather resembles the surface of the sun and I'm REALLY trying to avoid diet soda in the afternoons... and I don't like drinking regular water when I'm not working out or eating. I'm so glad modern technology allows them to flavor water in this excellent manner. It's so COLD and refreshing and takes away my thirsties!

It also has ZERO calories which means it's probably full of something that will cause cancer. You'd think it would have like, 5 calories. However, my thirst is quenched and I'm not up all night.

Anyway I'm having a good week. I've had two good days of eating. I wish it were cooler so I could at least go for a walk, but it's seriously an oven out, even at midnight.

I'm sleepy... and it's only 12:15 am! yay for caffeine-free afternoons!

I've decided to come out of the closet

2006-07-08T13:58:00.000-05:00

No I'm not gay (though that would probably be easier to admit on national television). I've been invited on a talk show to talk about being bulimic. I hesitated for about 10 seconds and then I decided to go for it! What the hell, why not? Most people around me either know I have some sort of eating problem (or suspect it) anyway.

The show is called the Dr. Keith Ablow show and it is coming out in syndication this fall. I haven't spoken with him yet but I've heard and read positive things about him. Unlike Dr. Phil, he is a real psychiatrist. He is interested in helping people and not putting on a freak show. I did an interview with someone else at the show about my life story. I have a feeling that this could definitely be a turning point in my life (if I allow it).

I was contacted about this by Michelle Hope, who some of you may know from her blog. She is trying to find other people willing to go on the show with us. Is anyone else out there interested in going on the show? We need more people to make it happen.

Personally, I'm tired of hiding and being ashamed and feeling alone in this. There are millions of strugglers yet we all feel alone. How can this be? It's because we're all hiding in our own closets, where nobody can see what we do and judge us, but also nobody can reach in and help us either.

We need to come out in the open. Think of the famous people who have had the balls to come out and admit their bulimia. Princess Diana, Paula Abdul, Felicity Huffman, Elton John and most recently Katharine McPhee from American Idol. They are 100,000 times more in the public eye than any of us, and this admission hardly ruined them.

Remember how I talked about needing courage and not strength to recover? We need to be courageous in our fight to escape this disorder.

Contact me or Michelle Hope if you want to be on the show or at least are considering it.

Dr. Keith Ablow Show

Vive la revolución!!!

hello children!

2006-06-29T01:36:00.000-05:00

So I was thinking today about how I always beat myself up for not having the strength and willpower to stop eating, to get better and to basically do the things I want to do. Maybe it's not that I can't find the strength inside myself. Maybe what I really need is the courage to move forward. So it's not that I can't do it, but that I am just stalling, too afraid. Have I thought this all before? Sometimes I think I am plagiarizing from myself.

Anyway it reminds me of one of my very favorites South Park episodes... titled, "You Got Fucked in the Ass!" when Chef informs the dance crew that they suck.

You have the heart, but you don't have the soul. Wait a minute... you have the soul, but you don't have the heart. Hold on a second... you have both the heart and the soul, but you don't have the talent.

I'm still looking for more answers as to HOW (see my last post) if anyone has any.

so what's next

2006-06-27T01:11:00.000-05:00

I just don't know what to do next. I've searched inside myself, I know who I am and who I want to be, blah blah, and I'm ready to change my life. But I don't know HOW. Maybe it's not so complicated? Is there a list of instructions on what to do next, or is it just "Next Step: Change and live happily ever after."

If anyone has any pointers about where to go from here, I'd like to hear them. I'm so dreadfully stuck, like Winnie the Pooh in the door to Rabbit's house.

the darkness

2006-06-17T00:02:00.000-05:00

I've been having a really hard time holding on lately, but my mind never stops. I'm always forced to examine and reexamine myself. It's a hard time because what I want for myself is not necessarily what others want or expect of me. In fact I've been realizing lately that nobody even knows me or what I'm really like. I pour my heart out onto these pages for Internet strangers to read. My real-life "friends" either don't have time for me or more likely, don't care to know the real me, this me. People want to hear how everything is great. Have you noticed that people will come up to you and say, "So how's your dying grandma/cousin/gardener/gardener's grandma's cousin/etc doing?" but they won't ask, "So how are you doing with your eating disorder?" People like to hear that everything is fine. Well fuck those people.

I've been thinking about who I am and how 2006 Me is not the same person as 2002 Me, which was the last time I made a big change in my life. That girl thought her future was set. But 2006 Me needs more from her future. I have goals that I now don't just WANT to accomplish, but that I NEED to accomplish. I was meant to accomplish them. Those new dreams are replacing old dreams. It is very hard and sad to say goodbye to dreams that (like that pair of size 8 Gap jeans I bought on sale) never fit me.

I love these lyrics - from Pacing the Cage by Jimmy Buffett

Sometimes the best map will not guide you
You can't see what's round the bend
Sometimes the road leads through dark places
Sometimes the darkness is your friend

more later...

I am not hungry

2006-06-11T00:30:00.000-05:00

but I want to binge. I want to go to 7-11 and buy up as many of their donuts as possible, even though they probably have been sitting out for nearly a day now.

But I'm not going to... at least not this one time. I made myself ask, how much will be enough? and there isn't an answer. Even every donut left at every 7-11 in a 10 mile radius won't be enough - I'd still be hungry (emotionally).

I'm cooking a Healthy Choice dinner instead because I think I am actually a bit hungry. It's about 250 calories.

I am so lonely and bored. Did I mention this lately?

I'm so depressed

2006-06-07T22:43:00.000-05:00

I'm going for a walk now.

I feel like I have a broken heart... for no real reason.

thanks for the feedback

2006-06-06T23:24:00.000-05:00

I love getting messages from blog readers. You guys have the best perspective and understand so much more than the people I know in person... I really need to start an ED support group.

Why do I feel like such a loser because I can't "stop" eating? It is what goes through my head all day long: "how can I stop eating... why can't I stop eating... what if I could just stop eating... I need to stop eating." I ignore the voice and overeat to rebel, and the voice gets louder. Yet I don't listen to the voice... only let it berate me. I know it's stupid and impossible but I still do it.

Tonight I went for a walk. It wasn't very long, just about 25 minutes. It didn't lift me up but made me tired. I should try to go every night. I saw fireflies tonight :-)

time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping... into the future

2006-06-05T02:38:00.000-05:00

It's another new month. Looking back I don't know if I'm even a teensiest bit better than when I started this blog. I'm different, older and wiser, but am I better?

I went to Borders tonight. There sure are a lot of books out there. It really got me thinking how I need to write my book. I have to get better first.

It's a few months until my birthday. 30. I am really feeling stressed about it and what that will mean. I think this is going to be a very hard summer.

PS I'm lonely

I didn't mean to sound like a brat

2006-06-02T01:38:00.000-05:00

...or that I was saying looks were the only thing that matter to me. Of course that's not true at all!

I had a pretty good day today. I was not very hungry. I really thought to myself: what I will accomplish by bingeing, and more specifically, what will it take to make me satisfied? How much is enough? The answer is that it's never enough. There's always more food to be eaten. I can eat nonstop for the rest of my life and there will still be more food.

I cannot sleep. I am so stressed out... well, I will blog more later. Thank you for all the support. I am so happy people like to read my thoughts.

looks do matter motherfuckers

2006-05-31T19:54:00.000-05:00

The most important thing is that I lose weight. That is it. That is the key to my happiness and anyone who says differently doesn't know me or is full of shit. I'm tired of hearing "oh looks don't matter" from hypocrites who judge people on their looks. They may not realize they're doing it, but they do it just the same, and I've seen it.

We're supposed to have this PC, granola outlook on life where looks don't matter. People tell their children that, friends tell friends that. Well it's not doing anybody any good to pretend fantasy is reality. Looks DO matter. People should tell their children, "The world will judge you on your looks so take care of your appearance."

I'm not saying looks are the ONLY thing that matter. You absolutely have to have something to back them up - talent, personality, heart, etc. But if you're fat or ugly, you're not going to get the same shot or same treatment an attractive person will get. You'll be at a disadvantage.

Yesterday in my class we had a speaker who is a local TV reporter. She looks about 30 but is only 23. She is an absolute twig, just tiny. I'm talking size 0 tiny. She said she lost 25 lbs because she had to look the part. She also had to relax and press her hair (she's black). She said "yes, some people think I'm a sellout but I'm doing what I love, I'm able to tell the stories that need to be told, and to get here I HAD to make sacrifices and change myself." She said also that the lifespan of her career in front of the cameras will be another 10-15 years, tops. People don't want to hear these things, but it's reality.

I don't think I'm a shallow person for wanting to be thin or even saying outright that I will never be happy until I lose weight. Losing weight WILL be a success story for me. I'm just tired of caring about all these other things and other people when my happiness is not dependent on any of those things or people.

If I didn't care how I looked or how much I weighed then I could recover from bulimia in one second. But I have to factor in my desire to lose weight at the same time. In fact I am going to use it as motivation to recover, because I know that I can never lose weight living this way. The bulimia cycle is not a path to thinness and will only keep me fat and miserable.

Have I said all this stuff before? I don't remember...

I've been doing crappy

2006-05-31T02:11:00.000-05:00

blah blah blah blah blah blah... that is how I feel. It's not depression it's just... I don't know what's wrong with me except it feels a bit like PMS. I'm still taking the Seasonale so I don't knnow what's up with that. Maybe it's a period anyway. I've been having cramps, insatiable hunger, feeling pissed off AND I got a cold sore (which means mega hormones).

I shouldn't make excuses. I want to get better and find a different life. I know I have the strength to do it somewhere. Thank you to those who write here that they believe in me... it gives me the strength.

what's wrong with me

2006-05-23T02:36:00.000-05:00

I've been doing terribly. Totally destructive and out of control. Why? I don't know. I think it was a combination of forgetting to take the Prozac for about a week and this bland BRAT diet. Bad combination.

I just have to try again.

Tomorrow I willl see the nutritionist. I will have to confess I've been doing terribly.

I'm sorry.

you'll never guess what :-)

2006-05-16T10:55:00.000-05:00

The professor allowed me to take the final :-) The teacher's assistant emailed me on Sunday and said the professor was a very nice and understanding person. I can't believe it. Anyway I took it this morning! I got a B on it, which means I should get a C in the class. (I got a D on the first test, an A on the second test, an A on all four papers but like a D average on my quizzes... oops). Wow.

I'm happy I don't have to retake the class, but I'm also happy that I had time to freak out and examine myself. It was really a breakthrough for me to realize how I was not in control, and to contrast that to how fucking pissed off I was a few weeks ago by something work related that was out of my control went wrong. I had a great couple of days, I really feel strong.

everything happens for a reason

2006-05-12T23:55:00.000-05:00

today was a remarkably good day. After the shock of last night, it sunk in slowly today that this ridiculous mistake I made can serve a bigger purpose. I'm not an idiot, so the fact that I would do something so stupid shows me that I am not in control of my life. Bulimia is in control of my life, still. And it's in charge because I let it be in charge.

At first I was hoping that there would be some miracle and the professor's assistant would email me back (I sent her some frantic emails) and say it was ok, that I could take the final next week or just write five papers or something. But I never heard from her... and I realized that I didn't deserve to get a second chance. The way I acted was so irresponsible and so inappropriate at the university level that I don't even deserve a response. Virago left me a comment suggesting I level with the professor about my problem, mentioning how she has always found the school to be so supportive when she's explained her health situation...then she added "i could even take advantage of it too much sometimes." Well I don't want to take advantage of it anymore, because I definitely have in the past. In the past three years, I've turned in doctor's notes to three professors saying I have a medical problem and to please consider that in my final grade. (And it "worked" two out of the three times, I got As in the class when my point total was actually a C.) Well I don't want to do that because that is just crap. I don't want a doctor's note for an excuse, I don't want any excuse. I want to be me and do what I am capable of, and that is A-level work!

Tonight I also went to C3's commencement. (Of course he graduated with "highest distinction" summa cum laude whatever because he's Mr. Perfect.) It was terrific and helped me form this epiphany. Well first off I felt a little bit sad afterwards because I don't feel close to him at all and I'm not in any way talking romantically. I feel like we have so much in common that we should be great, close friends and we are such great surface friends but there is just something not connecting. But that's that and I can't force a friendship, so, onto the main point. The keynote speaker mentioned going after your dreams, pursuing your goals, etc about a million times. It occurred to me that my only dream is to be thin. My only goal is to be thin. How empty my life is, how devoid of direction. Dreams of writing a book or a screenplay are inside me somewhere, but I don't give them any attention. I once had the dream of being a veterinarian but I never went forward with it because it got buried by the dream of being thin. I dream about what it will be like to be thin and how amazing that will be, because then everybody will love me and I will be so beautiful and so happy. That is my only dream and goal in life. I think something called logic is now knocking on my head saying, "Hello! McFly?!" What a ridiculous waste of a brain and life and soul.

I still feel very guilty and embarrassed, but what can I do about it. So I enrolled for the same class next semester. Fortunately there were a few spots left. And it's only once a week in the evenings instead of three times a week at 8:30 am! So hopefully it won't be bad.

I'm doing ok with this BRAT diet the last few day. I have not really cheated, except to put ketchup on my white rice. A quart of steamed white rice from the Chinese food place is only 80 cents, a lot less than the $6.50 I paid for my favorite house special fried rice.

I still feel a lot of pressure to lose weight. I saw some new pictures of me (whole body) from two weeks ago and I cannot believe that that is me. I do not feel like I look like that. I don't understand why I can't accurately judge my reflection! It's only in pictures that I can see myself.

You know what, I also have a new dream. I want to do something to help people with eating disorders. I don't know what I can do. I want to start a support group at school if I can.

I'm a total complete MORON

2006-05-12T00:18:00.000-05:00

so I've been studying for Friday's final exam for the past few hours... I stopped to check the syllabus really quick to make sure I was reading all the right chapters. Then it jumped out at me:

May 11 FINAL EXAM, 10:30 A.M. - 12:30 P.M.

Yes... May 11 as in THURSDAY as in TODAY as in I fucking missed it because I didn't know it was going on.

I don't know how I can be so stupid. I don't know what I'm going to do.

MUCH MUCH better!

2006-05-11T19:22:00.000-05:00

I'm doing much better, thank god. I don't know what changed. Everything just seemed to pass! Hooray!

thanks for the support and wishes... I am feeling better. I can't remember if I wrote about the BRAT diet. It's bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. The doctor put me on it because I'm having a lot of stomach problems. They think it is my gallbladder. All I know is, if I eat anything else besides those foods, I feel totally sick.

I'm sadly excited about this gallbladder thing. I really love having a "real" sickness I can talk about to people, isn't that pathetic? Plus I feel like I might have a chance of sticking with a healthy eating plan if it's doctor ordered.

untitled

2006-05-10T03:31:00.000-05:00

I'm not doing any better. In fact I'm doing worse. I feel like I'm falling into deep depression. I don't even care about C3 anymore.

I just don't know how to fix myself...

so upset

2006-05-04T18:16:00.000-05:00

I'm so upset because I got chewed out by my boss about last week when I threw a fit. I know that I am right and the whole thing makes me sick. I want to quit and move home but I don't have any money.

It's terrible to admit this, but the only thing that calms me down is to myself "remember that the only thing that matters to you is to be thin, so don't worry about this crap and move on with losing weight." It's like a morphine drip for my pain.

pigging out!

2006-05-01T02:07:00.000-05:00

I've been such a pig the past few days... I go home in two days and then I will attempt to start over for the 10,000 time. I forgot my Seasonale :-(

This is random but have you ever had this weird disgusting feeling come over you after you touch your breasts? I started getting this feeling when I was first going through puberty... the feeling would come over me when I was drying off after my shower. It's like these waves of grossness that roll through my body and make me feel totally sick and disgusting... I used to try to sing or do something to distract myself to avoid "the feeling." Fortunately it stopped... only rarely do I get the feeling, but I got it just now and I think it's because I'm not wearing a bra. Ewww.

The nutritionist wants me to keep a journal. I will start Tuesday.

hanging in there

2006-04-28T01:22:00.000-05:00

this has been a terrible week, massive stress. I feel like quitting my job and moving away. Fortunately I am going home for a few days and will be back. It is just the break I need to put everything in perspective.

The meeting with the nutritionist was great - she is awesome. I'll post more about it later. time for bed, 24 hours of this hell week to go.

xoxo

I need to cry but I can't

2006-04-25T12:47:00.000-05:00

I'm so frustrated and stressed out at work because of these idiots I had to work with this week... The worst thing is that I bet these people make twice my salary and they can't get anything right. It's almost comical. My work is 1000 times better than theirs. I want to ask them if they have any openings at their company because I want to apply and kick all their sorry asses. We're under huge stress with this big event and everybody is stretched to the limit, and I have to deal with these dumbasses. The worst part is that I did original flawless work and they tried to "fix it" and totally fucked it up.

I wanted to throw a whiny fit at C3 just now. I was telling him the situation about these morons and how upset I was about it and how I couldn't believe it, and he didn't even say anything, he just stared at his computer and started talking about what he was working on at that very moment. He's such a man.

and I'm really, really fat. I just look and feel terrible. I saw a pic of myself from 10 days ago. I look like a very fat person. I swear there is a huge difference between 180 and 190. It looks like I've gained 30 lbs instead of 10.

I really need to cry and feel like crying, but I can't. You can't cry on Prozac. It dries up your tears before they can form.

Mandy sad.

A million little steps

2006-04-25T03:54:00.000-05:00

tomorrow is my appt with the nutritionist... I hope meeting with her will help, even though I've met with plenty of nutrionists before.

I just got a suggestion to look at OA (Overeaters Anonymous)... I looked it up and there are a few meetings in my area. I guess I can try it though I don't know if I believe in the whole 12-step concept. However I think I can use all the help I can get... it seems like the more I want to change, the more I resist all my efforts to change. It's driving me insane.

I've been watching the X-Files on TNT for the past three hours. I should go to bed but there's another yet one on... I want to be Mrs. Mulder. Did you guys know Chris Carter wrote the B.R.A.T. Patrol back in the day? I guess I'm still preoccupied... with 1985.

I can't be accountable to myself

2006-04-24T01:13:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about how I can't imagine myself actually losing weight on my own. I need to have a nutritionist or a psychologist or somebody who I can report to on a weekly or even monthly basis. I just can't be accountable to myself... I can do lots of work if I know other people are expecting it and need it, but I can't do shit for me. Why is that?

I feel like crap. You know how some women get phantom pregnancies? Well I think I'm having a phantom period. I have been super bitchy irritable the past few days, and I have had a lot of cramps. I keep thinking I'm bleeding but then I check and nada. What the hell? I will ask my roommates and see if they are having their period and making my uterus jealous.

It's one week away from the big event dressy up thing... actually two dressy up things. Remember how I had been planning on losing 25 lbs? Hah that didn't happen. Well I'm not going to beat myself up. It's just another weekend and it will be over before I know it. I need to start again and this time I need to believe I can do it. I hope the nutritionist will help.

I want to work out. I just am so overwhelmed by the whole concept. I need to know I can do it.